tinyminnow
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2018
- Messages
- 1
hello, i'm minnow! i'm a young very anxious lesbian from the mid-to-southeast US. i'm going through hell right now and am hoping to get some people's opinions and advice on some of the shit that's stressing me to death. i recently broke my almost 2 year streak of not cutting, and have no friends to talk to about all this shit that's destroying me. my long distance partner is back into hard iv drugs again despite so many promises, and i want, NEED to do my best to help support her and somehow help her get off of them so she can stay out of jail and stay alive and keep custody of her 1 year old son, and so i can communicate with her as neccesary to move up over 3000 miles away to live with her and help in any way i can... i'll go into more detail on that in its own post.
i'm not anti-drug myself; i'm a huge stoner and i adore weed and acid and psychedelics in general. i also love benzos (i dont know if this is because they make the constant anxiety go away for a little while or because of the high?) but when i can get them i split them into as many small doses as i can take but still feel the panic and physical symptoms and urges go away. i have bad panic attacks where i can barely breathe and feel like my world is ending, and these are the main reason i've self harmed in recent years. but my prescribing nurse practitioner refuses to write benzodiazepine scripts to people so young (note: i am an adult) so i've only ever gotten a few from random sources. i have adderall for diagnosed ADD but i rarely take it as i've always had a poor appetite even when not on any stims, and i'm already on the low end of the healthy weight spectrum. and i used to have an eating disorder years ago so everyone loses their shit when i skip a meal and its just not worth it. i also take a handful of other uninteresting scripts like antidepressants, allergy meds, etc.
i attempted going to college for botany but due to mental health issues as well as physical sickness had to drop out and move back in with my parents after less than a year. right now i work part time at an upscale food chain that sells sandwiches, salads, pastries and the like. not gonna say where exactly out of paranoia, forgive me. i've been overwhelmingly depressed lately so my interests are kind of neglected right now, but when i'm healthy, i'm really passionate about gardening, planting seeds and tending to plants, growing flowers and veggies for people i love (and hopefully my own bud someday) and feeding the wild birds. and i adore cats!! not even my beastly allergies can keep me away from kitties. i also have a 5.5 gal glass tank i'm really proud of with lots of live plants and hides and a heater and filter and a cute lil blue betta fish named colby.
i don't really watch much of anything except steven universe and a few youtubers. i play a browser based lion breeding sim called lioden and before my laptop bit the dust i was a huge fan of survival video games like minecraft and don't starve. i used to be really big into pokemon but lost interest after gen 5 or so (tho my paraslash natural grace togekiss could still kick anyone's ass tbh)
i've been visiting bluelight pretty much every time i researched drugs in the past few years and hope to learn more from others in the community, or to at least get some moral support because all of my biggest anxieties are things i can't talk to anyone about in real life. i've tried therapy at least half a dozen times, bunch of different therapists and practices, since i was 12. my parents used to meet with my therapist behind my back until i was 17 or so, so i didnt feel like i could be honest about what i was going through or how i was doing at all or else my parents might find out. thus i never have been able to tell a therapist that i was even smoking weed much less of any other drug use. and being dishonest with your therapist is a great way to get absolutley nothing out of therapy, and i don't really want to try again until i at least move to a state where i can tell them i smoke and not get immediatley looked at like a drug seeker.
this intro has gone on long enough; shoutout to anyone who read this far. hopefully i'll be hanging out here on bluelight some and will see y'all around!!
i'm not anti-drug myself; i'm a huge stoner and i adore weed and acid and psychedelics in general. i also love benzos (i dont know if this is because they make the constant anxiety go away for a little while or because of the high?) but when i can get them i split them into as many small doses as i can take but still feel the panic and physical symptoms and urges go away. i have bad panic attacks where i can barely breathe and feel like my world is ending, and these are the main reason i've self harmed in recent years. but my prescribing nurse practitioner refuses to write benzodiazepine scripts to people so young (note: i am an adult) so i've only ever gotten a few from random sources. i have adderall for diagnosed ADD but i rarely take it as i've always had a poor appetite even when not on any stims, and i'm already on the low end of the healthy weight spectrum. and i used to have an eating disorder years ago so everyone loses their shit when i skip a meal and its just not worth it. i also take a handful of other uninteresting scripts like antidepressants, allergy meds, etc.
i attempted going to college for botany but due to mental health issues as well as physical sickness had to drop out and move back in with my parents after less than a year. right now i work part time at an upscale food chain that sells sandwiches, salads, pastries and the like. not gonna say where exactly out of paranoia, forgive me. i've been overwhelmingly depressed lately so my interests are kind of neglected right now, but when i'm healthy, i'm really passionate about gardening, planting seeds and tending to plants, growing flowers and veggies for people i love (and hopefully my own bud someday) and feeding the wild birds. and i adore cats!! not even my beastly allergies can keep me away from kitties. i also have a 5.5 gal glass tank i'm really proud of with lots of live plants and hides and a heater and filter and a cute lil blue betta fish named colby.
i don't really watch much of anything except steven universe and a few youtubers. i play a browser based lion breeding sim called lioden and before my laptop bit the dust i was a huge fan of survival video games like minecraft and don't starve. i used to be really big into pokemon but lost interest after gen 5 or so (tho my paraslash natural grace togekiss could still kick anyone's ass tbh)
i've been visiting bluelight pretty much every time i researched drugs in the past few years and hope to learn more from others in the community, or to at least get some moral support because all of my biggest anxieties are things i can't talk to anyone about in real life. i've tried therapy at least half a dozen times, bunch of different therapists and practices, since i was 12. my parents used to meet with my therapist behind my back until i was 17 or so, so i didnt feel like i could be honest about what i was going through or how i was doing at all or else my parents might find out. thus i never have been able to tell a therapist that i was even smoking weed much less of any other drug use. and being dishonest with your therapist is a great way to get absolutley nothing out of therapy, and i don't really want to try again until i at least move to a state where i can tell them i smoke and not get immediatley looked at like a drug seeker.
this intro has gone on long enough; shoutout to anyone who read this far. hopefully i'll be hanging out here on bluelight some and will see y'all around!!
