found some stash from this last relapse

[Mafioso]

So because I got blacked out, I can't really be completely sure of the whole extent of this last relapse. It's frightening, shameful and scary. I do not ever want to get that far our of control again.

The trouble is that I found a small left over stash of benzos from the relapse.

I know I should throw them away. I know it's not the risk. But today i took very low, moderate doses. I felt like it had therapeutic effects and didn't even try to really feeling intoxicated. I was able to work just fine working next to my employer. Feltreally upbeat, wasn't stressed or overwhelmed about the large workload- ended up spending 14 hours at work. He was impressed by my work and attitude.


I know this isn't something I can rely on to have a good day or even something that would be practical to do more than a few times a month if that.

So my question is, what do you personally define as a relapse? Is sobriety complete abstinence? Or are you clean if you are still taking prescription meds like opioids, benzos, and stimulants if there is a "legitimate" prescription? Is any use a relapse, or is a relapse when the use becomes problematic?

Idk just want to hear others thoughts. really don't like feeling ostrosized from anyone who drinks a beer but i also need I have my own health consernces

 

[OLD.GREGGGGG]

thats hard to answer. And you kinda gotta decide yourself. Is it going to cause more common use? Do you really need it? I know when i was going to meetings it was to quit opiates and i told myself i was SOBER even tho i still smoked weed and drank occasionally. gotta make a definition of your own. If you had a black out relapse i think you know the answer here. I abuse opiates and ive been clean for a lil over 2 weeks at this point. i dont consider the mixed drinks ive had as a relapse..But to a counselor or someone who has completed a 12step, i relapsed. Hell, i still some weed.

 

[hoffsteader]

I think what matters most is whether or not the substance use is interfering with your life and causing you problems. There is a big difference in effect from high dose benzo use and low/moderate dose. I don't see anything wrong with legitimate prescription use.

 

[herbavore]

I imagine it has to be an ongoing process and that sobriety is somewhat of a moving target depending on where you are in your life. I don't believe that everyone needs abstinence at all--but I also believe that some people do. It is a very personal process--just like every other consideration in life from diet to lifestyle to beliefs. People that get addicted share some things in common but certainly everyone has their own particular triggers and blindspots and vulnerabilities. As far as benzos go, they do seem like such a slippery slope to me--a low dose takes the edge off and then you go over that and all hell breaks loose. As an anxious person since earliest childhood I truly believe that you have to slog your way step by step out of that mindset. But that process, and the drive to stay in it, becomes the cure itself--because you are unconsciously showing yourself that you are capable of changing something that at first seems as intractable as your very nature.

 

[Pickledlemons]

Its just a matter of perspective. At rehab somebody asked the question " what percentage of people relapse?" the answer was " Its hard to say because there is no agreed upon definition of relapse"

Its like when people ask me how long I've been sober I don't really know what to say. I took opiates last 3 months ago. Took kratom a week ago. Had a glass of whisky yesterday and had a cup of coffee this morning.

 

[Mafioso]

Thanks for all the responses.

It can be a complicated issue and I do believe that there can be therapeutic value to psychiatric drugs, but given my history I don't see myself every having a healthy relationship with any drug with the exception of smoking socially.

For me, the drug may help initially but I quickly start to rely on the drug rather than try to use it as a sort of supplement or assistance. Truth is I don't need them either, so why risk it, and if I do then I should see a psychiatrist or a trained professional. Anyways, just surprising how easy it is to slip back into old ways of thinking.

Hope everyone is doing ok, and if you are struggling don't give up hope despite how desperate and hopeless things may seem or be at the time. Feelings pass, emotions change, and life goes on. Work toward a better tomorrow rather than trying to escape uncomfortable emotions.