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Confessions of an addict and alcoholic.As But I don't

Trajal

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2018
Messages
188
Hey everyone. I've been reading, and trying to help wherever possible, and experiencing stuff with a lot of you actually. I wanted to just rambl on really, about some of the mad shit I was involved in and also how it affected me. Maybe give people some perspective when they consider how the supply chain works.

So let's see, without further ado.

My Addictions - Alcohol & Heroin
So I labelled these as addictions and there aren't really many. Mainly because, whilst I felt habitually dedicated to other stuff, when it came to both physical addiction and mental habitual addiction, these were the hardest. Sure, I smoked weed every day, but if I didn't smoke weed would I care? Not if I got a bag of dope I wouldnt.

Heroin put me in some pretty dangerous situations in some nasty parts of Europe. As a big ole arrogant git who served across half a dozen conflicts in the British armed forces, I generally didn't really respect the danger. This came to me many times later, but I can still remember the first time when I ran into some very serious people. The Heroin trade is fucking dangerous guys. Really dangerous. I've been stood outside a room wondering if people are going to burst out firing AK 47s level of dangerous. I don't scare easily, but this still gives me sleepless nights. I guess what's worse is that I do wonder if my presence intimidated people into increasing the supply chain, like we were trying to achieve. At the end of the day, I was getting well paid and I was getting Top draw dope for my time off. Win win.

Much of the work I did across Europe was essentially protecting someone. I think maybe that made it feel better for me, I wasn't actually dealing or supplying, I was just making sure someone didn't get zapped along the way. I remember once, just outside of Paris I think in an apartment in a place called Fontainebleau? Maybe? Anyway. I was just finishing injecting and heard gunfire.

i don't know if anyone has ever told you all how it feels to be armed and reacting to gunfire as you're needed, in the middle of a full hit of brown but trust me, it's the most insane and amazing experience you can have. I won't go into the full details.


I should write a book. And people wonder why, out of all that now, I seek a rush. But... chaps and chappettes, I don't habitually use, despite the challenge and desire. I may have a couple of beers, sure. And you know what, I recently had a small hit. However, I leave it at that. I leave it at special occasions. That won't work for everyone, but it really can work, if you're willing to be completely honest with yourself about your objectives.

See yourself for who you are. Be prepared to be open to the world about it if you need to be. Accept your faults. But do not let them rule you.

no idea why I felt moved to post this, sorry, I've just been thinking about it for a while and figured best to let it out.
 
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Sounds like you've had some crazy experiences.
 
It does seem absurd now. When I look back on it and think, what the hell was I doing?? I did a lot of things that I can't and won't go into online, I saw nothing of course, and besides which it was all years ago anyway. But everything is so ridiculously well organised. The most painful thing for me was the understanding of the opium trade, I think that's actually what caused me to think 'soddit'.

Before we went into Afghanistan, the opium crop was at an all time low. Two years after we disposed of the taliban regime, it was at nigh on four times the production of the former administration. It's all very well trying to talk peace but getting farmers to stop growing poppies and instead grow cabbages requires money that we weren't in a position, politically, to invest. When I learned that, and more, that's when I realised I wouldn't have a problem moving into the world I did.
 
Just thinking, maybe this is part of my living with very limited drugs/alcohol. I appreciate that for many, total abstinence has to be the route. But I can, and do, stop after a couple of beers and I only have a hit once every few months. Is this addiction still, or just a rare guilty pleasure?
 
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