I'm a complete degenerate loser and really want it all to end

[Trev26]

Okay well this is probably going to be a long post, but I just want to say everything and get it off my chest. First off, I'm a chronic pain patient at 25. I have very bad low back pain and nerve damage but don't feel like explaining all my conditions. Feel free to go to my previous posts if you want to know. I used to work as a stage crew member at Warner brothers studios, working on various tv shows and movies like big bang theory, two and a half men, shameless, and many many more. Pay was very good and just a great job but had to quit about 3 years due to the pain i was in.

Because of my age my doctors have said that surgery was not a good idea and basically there's nothing they can do. I've don't acupuncture, PT, nerve blocks, epidural and steroid injections and nothing has worked. They gave me extra strength anti inflamatorys but told me to stop taking them immideatly because I was going into renal kidney failure. The only way I go without pain is the percocets I get prescribed but I only get 10 a week, and now it went from 10, 9, 8, and now 7. I get roxy from a friend but they are expensive and I can't afford to keep spending money like that.

So because I've been out of work for 3 years or so now, I've been making my living off of poker and sports betting. At first I was doing very good making anywhere from 5-10k a month, but the last 6 months I've been losing literally every spot. Anywhere who knows how to play poker will understand this next statement. I lose every race, bad beats are constantly happening like I have 70% or higher chance to win, than the rivers hits and I lose. I understand poker is gambling and sometimes you have what is called down swings, but I have never had a downswing this long.

I guess because of my pain and gambling I had like a mental breakdown last night. I lost it with my brother and tried to fight him, said some horrible things to my mom, and just feel like a degerate loser. My dad died of a heart attack 3 years also and basically told her he died because of her and she stressed him out to much, and that's why he died. I obviously don't believe that but I just snapped. She was crying and I just felt horrible and I can't believe I would say something like that. Also around 3 years ago I lost 4 close friends in a car accident, than my dad dying a couple weeks after. Not long after that, I had a couple seizures from benzo withdrawal. I was taking like 6mg xanax a day.

We have never been the type of family that shares a lot of emotions or say I love you or that type of thing. I have pretty much no friends, no girlfriend, losing like 70% of my net worth, and my family hates me. Who can blame them for what I said. I don't know what happened, but i really think everyone would be better off if I just ended it. I feel so low that there is no way of turning things around. How can I be 25 and be at rock bottom?

I don't really know what else to say. I am physically in pain, but mentally feel like I have no purpose on this planet. I just keep thinking I wish I had a time machine and could go back a couple days. I used to love playing basketball and had some college offers but couldn't pursue them because of health.

How do I fix what I've done? I really want to just end this nightmare. Financially, mentally, physically, I am in such a bad place right now. All I can think about right now is every problem I have or have created will all go away with 1 bullet.

 

[Mafioso]

I didn't read it all yet, but I just want to start out by saying you are not a loser. Your circumstance doesn't define who you are. Someone isn't a good or bad person just because they have money, fame or success.

Defeat is a mindset and failure is a choice. You have only been defeated when you have decided you will fight no more. You have only truly failed when you have given up and choose to try no more.

I'm going to read the rest of your post now, but I want you to know that feelings change and emotions pass. Don't do something permanent about something so temporary.

 

[Mafioso]

I'd encourage you to tell your family that you love them if you really do. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. I still have to force myself to say it to my dad and I can tell it catches him a little off guard but I'm glad I do.

Sounds like the last 3 years hasn't been easy for anyone in your family. Have you guys spoken to anyone about together or individually? I'm guessing you guys don't talk much about how you are feeling from the sounds of things.

This doesn't have to be a bad thing. I mean it isn't something you want to repeat, but you can make this episode into something positive. It would be a good chance to open up to your mom and cousin after apologizing for your breakdown. Chances are they understand already, but it needs to be said so for the sake of the relationship. Tell them exactly what you wrote here if you don't know what to say or where to begin. Just start to be honest about your emotions... it's okay to hurt, to be angry, to be sad... those are just feelings and there is nothing wrong with them. it's what we do with those feelings that is good, bad or neutral.

You don't have to do all this alone, if no one else, we are here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi Trev, I would really consider making it right with your brother and mother first of all. I'm sure that if you apologise to them and explain how you're feeling at the moment they will understand. You need your family the most in times like this and they will be the ones that help you through. Once this has been done you should speak to them about how your'e feeling and see if they can help you with any of it. I kept things from my family for years and when I finally spoke to them it was such a relief. Can you speak to your doctor again explaining the situation your'e in? I find it crazy they're giving up on a 25 year old in pain. I can't really give any career advise and I don't know how much pain your'e in but is there no work environment you can work in say for example an office job? Just having a job alone sounds like it may alleviate a lot of stresses.

 

[SaintCecelia]

So on the chance that your mom isn’t a narcissistic psycho, she is your Mom! She carried you for 9 months Trev, you listened were closest to her heart, and connected to her for 9 months. I have 3 kids my youngest is 18, all of them have put me through a lot of pain and I have done the same to them because we are family. It happens! As a mom when it happens I cry because I too feel the pain they are in and naturally want to stop that pain. When you are physically up to it, go to her, open up, let her in to be the support you need right now. See this as an opportunity to grow and heal for both of you. Baseball bats and something to destroy are great for the anger, fear, and frustration. Also being an artist myself I read you are a creative and think that man needs something to create. Force yourself to do it, color, paint, draw, write, weave, spray paint, build, etc, ANYTHING UNTIL IT FEELS GOOD! Also I have a suicide prevention playlist I can send you. See you are not alone.
Of course this is all blind advice, I am not you, just a human with experience to share.
Please keep posting so we know you are ok ~XOXO Cecelia

 

[herbavore]

Trev, the chronic pain sounds exhausting and difficult and I know it wears people down but the situation that happened with your family may be an opportunity and not the disaster you are seeing now. I remember once having a terrible fight with my Dad when he was alive. It was ugly and damaging things were said by both of us. But the remorse we each felt took us past that to a deeper level and we just carried on healing from there. Sometimes, especially in families that do not have good communication those explosions of emotions can be catalysts for changes that really need to be made.

Your family would be devastated for you to leave with so much unresolved anger and the hurt still hanging in the air. Actually the truth is that sentence should be truncated in the middle: your family would be devastated for you to leave. Period. I lost a son. You don't recover from that. I hope you can find a way to be vulnerable and let your family know how much pain you are in (mentally as well as physically) and also that you feel terrible about the things you said. They are just words. No one breathing has never hurt someone else with words--it goes along with being human.

You are dealing with difficulties that many 25 year olds have not faced. It's OK to feel lost. Ok to feel uncertain. Just don't write the story through this fatalistic lens. You have no idea what may change or how that change will come about. Focus on finding ways to deal with the back pain and creative ways to reshape a different kind of life. Maybe right now you cannot see a single ray of light but be open to surprise. If I had shut my life down back when I was a suicidal young person I would have missed absolutely every wonderful, terrible, crazy and unpredictable thing that has happened to me (and still is!) as a middle aged person and now an older person. Feel free to PM me for extra support if you need it.

 

[Totbot]

You will help so many people by getting through this. I do believe you can. My dad was in a similar situation and after many dark nights of the soul he turned to meditation and it literally saved his life and pieced our family back together. No one ever expected anything like this to happen! My thoughts and prayers are with you...That you hold on and keep searching for the solution that is out there trying to find you. Much love.

 

[Trev26]

I really appreciate all the feedback and advise. It really means a lot that so many people actually care. I think I'm just going to stay in a hotel for a little while, as the wound is still too fresh.

I went to get 30 roxy today, so at least I'll be able to function for a couple weeks. Tried to renew my script and it hasn't got approved. The stress of wondering when or where my next pain pill will come from is so frustrating, and gives me anxiety. It's nice I have a good friend who gets the roxy straight from the source so I don't have to worry about fakes, as there are a lot of them going around in my city (Los Angeles). the way I'm spending money also stresses me out like crazy. I think somebody above mentioned getting an office job. The problem with that is I can't sit for long periods of time without being very uncomfortable, and fidgeting, and very sharp pains in my lower back.

I'm just so low right now, it's very hard seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. Also I want too travel and go on vacations, but I can't sit in plane that long, or be in a car for very long.

Well, I guess the only good thing is when your this low, you can't go any lower. Anyways I will update as the week goes on. Thanks again for the support.

 

[Iliketacostoo]

Hey Trev - I can't comment on the drug abuse - but I've been a professional poker player for the last 10 years, and now coach a group of 20 students. I'm also from LA. You should stop playing poker. It's just applied mathematics, not a series of flips to win or lose. I still spend 10+ hours every single week studying and improving, running calcs, comparing equities for different lines, and doing database analysis to identify leaks. It is a profession, and even if you are a winning player in your games - unless you approach it as a professional, you are going to have very large swings. The reason that professionals make money are because of variance - that shows recreational players that they can win in the short term. Unless you dedicate a giant chunk of time on a daily basis to studying, you will continue to lose money. Poker is a tough way to make an easy living.

You mention wanting to take a trip somewhere - so go! Big bear is beautiful right now and not even all that cold, Joshua tree, grand canyon, mexico, hike around malibu. There's lots of options pretty closeby - and so many events, concerts, games to go to all the time, take advantage of that and give your mind a break for a bit.

Everything gets better and changes into a new experience. Even though you are low now, you are never stuck.

 

[herbavore]

You mention wanting to take a trip somewhere - so go! Big bear is beautiful right now and not even all that cold, Joshua tree, grand canyon, mexico, hike around malibu. There's lots of options pretty closeby - and so many events, concerts, games to go to all the time, take advantage of that and give your mind a break for a bit.

I second this. Nature can do in an afternoon what a year's worth of therapy often fails to do. Sometimes, you just need to get outside of yourself for some perspective and literally getting outside alone is a wonderful way to do it.