Okay well this is probably going to be a long post, but I just want to say everything and get it off my chest. First off, I'm a chronic pain patient at 25. I have very bad low back pain and nerve damage but don't feel like explaining all my conditions. Feel free to go to my previous posts if you want to know. I used to work as a stage crew member at Warner brothers studios, working on various tv shows and movies like big bang theory, two and a half men, shameless, and many many more. Pay was very good and just a great job but had to quit about 3 years due to the pain i was in.
Because of my age my doctors have said that surgery was not a good idea and basically there's nothing they can do. I've don't acupuncture, PT, nerve blocks, epidural and steroid injections and nothing has worked. They gave me extra strength anti inflamatorys but told me to stop taking them immideatly because I was going into renal kidney failure. The only way I go without pain is the percocets I get prescribed but I only get 10 a week, and now it went from 10, 9, 8, and now 7. I get roxy from a friend but they are expensive and I can't afford to keep spending money like that.
So because I've been out of work for 3 years or so now, I've been making my living off of poker and sports betting. At first I was doing very good making anywhere from 5-10k a month, but the last 6 months I've been losing literally every spot. Anywhere who knows how to play poker will understand this next statement. I lose every race, bad beats are constantly happening like I have 70% or higher chance to win, than the rivers hits and I lose. I understand poker is gambling and sometimes you have what is called down swings, but I have never had a downswing this long.
I guess because of my pain and gambling I had like a mental breakdown last night. I lost it with my brother and tried to fight him, said some horrible things to my mom, and just feel like a degerate loser. My dad died of a heart attack 3 years also and basically told her he died because of her and she stressed him out to much, and that's why he died. I obviously don't believe that but I just snapped. She was crying and I just felt horrible and I can't believe I would say something like that. Also around 3 years ago I lost 4 close friends in a car accident, than my dad dying a couple weeks after. Not long after that, I had a couple seizures from benzo withdrawal. I was taking like 6mg xanax a day.
We have never been the type of family that shares a lot of emotions or say I love you or that type of thing. I have pretty much no friends, no girlfriend, losing like 70% of my net worth, and my family hates me. Who can blame them for what I said. I don't know what happened, but i really think everyone would be better off if I just ended it. I feel so low that there is no way of turning things around. How can I be 25 and be at rock bottom?
I don't really know what else to say. I am physically in pain, but mentally feel like I have no purpose on this planet. I just keep thinking I wish I had a time machine and could go back a couple days. I used to love playing basketball and had some college offers but couldn't pursue them because of health.
How do I fix what I've done? I really want to just end this nightmare. Financially, mentally, physically, I am in such a bad place right now. All I can think about right now is every problem I have or have created will all go away with 1 bullet.
Because of my age my doctors have said that surgery was not a good idea and basically there's nothing they can do. I've don't acupuncture, PT, nerve blocks, epidural and steroid injections and nothing has worked. They gave me extra strength anti inflamatorys but told me to stop taking them immideatly because I was going into renal kidney failure. The only way I go without pain is the percocets I get prescribed but I only get 10 a week, and now it went from 10, 9, 8, and now 7. I get roxy from a friend but they are expensive and I can't afford to keep spending money like that.
So because I've been out of work for 3 years or so now, I've been making my living off of poker and sports betting. At first I was doing very good making anywhere from 5-10k a month, but the last 6 months I've been losing literally every spot. Anywhere who knows how to play poker will understand this next statement. I lose every race, bad beats are constantly happening like I have 70% or higher chance to win, than the rivers hits and I lose. I understand poker is gambling and sometimes you have what is called down swings, but I have never had a downswing this long.
I guess because of my pain and gambling I had like a mental breakdown last night. I lost it with my brother and tried to fight him, said some horrible things to my mom, and just feel like a degerate loser. My dad died of a heart attack 3 years also and basically told her he died because of her and she stressed him out to much, and that's why he died. I obviously don't believe that but I just snapped. She was crying and I just felt horrible and I can't believe I would say something like that. Also around 3 years ago I lost 4 close friends in a car accident, than my dad dying a couple weeks after. Not long after that, I had a couple seizures from benzo withdrawal. I was taking like 6mg xanax a day.
We have never been the type of family that shares a lot of emotions or say I love you or that type of thing. I have pretty much no friends, no girlfriend, losing like 70% of my net worth, and my family hates me. Who can blame them for what I said. I don't know what happened, but i really think everyone would be better off if I just ended it. I feel so low that there is no way of turning things around. How can I be 25 and be at rock bottom?
I don't really know what else to say. I am physically in pain, but mentally feel like I have no purpose on this planet. I just keep thinking I wish I had a time machine and could go back a couple days. I used to love playing basketball and had some college offers but couldn't pursue them because of health.
How do I fix what I've done? I really want to just end this nightmare. Financially, mentally, physically, I am in such a bad place right now. All I can think about right now is every problem I have or have created will all go away with 1 bullet.