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I am a HOT MESS Quitting Cold turkey! Needing Support

SaintCecelia

SaintCecelia

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2018
Messages
56
First let me say to all that are in recovery, attempted recovery, my compassion and respect for you is now REAL! You are amazing human beings no doubt. Thankful for this website.
When I was younger I partied, abused prescriptions at times, but never let it get out of control. I would see where it was going, stop it because that is not who I want to be. But here I am PTSD, 47 years old, took Kratom for 6 months. I took it as an alternative to help with the flashbacks, thoughts, and anxiety. I did not want to take Ativan, klonopin, or Valium. I knew though I needed to go back to therapy. However, last two months I noticed I was taking it everyday 4x a day. IMO not me not good therefore I quit cold turkey 8 days ago. WTH all hell broke lose! What?s hard is the first three days ended me up in the ER because I could not determine what was the physical WD or what was the PTSD. I had no control of the flashbacks NONE! Scared the freak out of me! What was worse is the first day in the ER the docs were clueless how to help me? Idk how accurate that perception is because of my state but hearing the doc say we don?t have a protocol to detox you is not helpful. They gave me clonidine and hydrox(sp?) some anti itch medicine. I don?t feel like that itching med really helps. The tingle in my hands and feet getting better, racing heart getting better, anxiety somewhat better, heart palps somewhat better. Still cannot sleep and I have the aliens(runs). I cannot workout which is driving me crazy. I am so scared I quit my ADHD meds and don?t even drink my one cup of coffee anymore.
Someone tell me when this will get better? Am I going to be myself again? Am I going to be ok?
 
I don't know much about Kratom as it is illegal to obtain in here but I do know about opiates and PTSD.

My PTSD got worse for few weeks when I did my first oxycodone taper few years ago and it got better after starting ORT and again it got worse for a while when I ended it and switched back to oxycodone as well as also when I quitted oxycodone in the start of this year.

I have now been without opiates for about one and half month and my PTSD symptoms are in check again.

I guess you could consider asking benzos (for a short time) or gabapentin/Lyrica from the doctor who is treating your PTSD as those would help with the withdrawal, PAWS and PTSD.

You'll be better but I can't give exact timeframe for that as I don't know much about Kratom.

Getting back to therapy is also a priority in my opinion as it has helped me atleast.
 
Thank you for replying. Just having someone to talk to helps. I have an appt with the therapist 26th, then an assessment to go into two weeks ptsd stabilization program. I wasted so much time not getting help for it and then this craziness. The good news is first three days could not stop the flashbacks nor distinguish the difference of symptoms. But now I can differientate the two, so the heart racing anxiety starts I just tell my self the flashbacks r just pictures BREATHE THROUGH IT! So this I now can control so I know it is getting better. I tried to drink a half a cup of coffee this morning and not good. I will stay off it till I ride this out. I want to workout but it just makes my symptoms worse. And big hugs to your progress, it helps me to remember others like me are doing it too!
 
Maybe try just going on a walk or something not too strenuous?

That's good that you are listening to your body. Have you journaled at all? It feels kind of silly sometimes but can be a good way of getting out intense emotions and a way to keep track of your thought process and feelings. Sometimes I don't realize how strongly I feel about it until I begin to express it in a medium that will not offend anyone and there is no right or wrong.

Haven't had to deal with flashbacks myself, but I have dealt with mania, dellusions, visual and auditory hallucinations, psychosis, and depression. I understand what it is like struggling to complete simple, daily tasks. Simple things like cooking, cleaning, and sometimes even eating and sleeping become challenging. Sometimes I hate how easy people make simple things seem, even though they are.

Hang in there and keep us updated. Good to hear that you are starting to do a little better, hope this improvement continues for you. Seems like working with your therapist should be a good thing for you, hope that works out for you as well.
 
Thank you for replying. I journal all the time but notice that’s a struggle now. Looking back from a few days ago I can see the negative thoughts that need adjustment. One of my lines “my life is like cupcakes and razorblades”...Idk how anyone can live in my head lol. You know the symptoms come and go now. Today the anxiety rush started at 2 which it does everyday? I was Fuck this I am not going down like this! Got out my meditation music and yoga mat. Although no way was a pose possible just sitting listening to the chanting brought it down, I put my hand on my heart and diaphragm, listened to my breathing, the music and envisioned water pouring over me. I was bawling, but refused the negative thoughts and visions. For me this helped.

Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga?"

simple translation: what the fuck world is this? Lol.From this experience, like I sit here and think of all the addicts and just want to hug them all. They r so damn brave and beautiful.

Do do you think I did some real damage to my body? Although, in the Er they did a full work up on my heart I still do not trust it. I think that’s this WD experience talking right now. At least I hope.
 
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It sounds like you are really in two crises right now--the acute PTSD and the drug withdrawals. I do not believe you have permanently damaged your body although healing physically can take time.

Is the therapist you are going to one that you have seen before? Does he/she have experience dealing with PTSD?
 
Hi herbavore! R u the one that’s got the art photo contest going? If so love love that you are doing this! I’m that kinda girl! Bring a picture you took of flowers, talk to me why you took it, tell me what you see! But please don’t bring me the actual flowers cause if so you just KILLED THEM!

Your instinct is right on. You see when I moved to Mass two years ago I knew, I felt the chains rattling from my basement. I move a lot for work, prior to Mass, I happened to be in a state with low qualified resources. My first week in this state set me back. A clinician can do more harm if not familiar or experienced with PTSD. So one of these clinicians said after 15 min of seeing me you are Bipolar prescribed me five meds, one being lithium and said if you do not check yourself into this hospital I will see to it you get locked up. I just sat there in sheer terror crying. I called my PTSD therapist from DC and the one in Kansas told them, they called her, never heard from that clinician again thank god. I think when I got to Mass that event set me back more than I admitted. Obviously it’s true, just sitting here typing the story I feel my whole body tightening up. I know from this experience I will never again take anything over the counter and self medicate. I’ve never been so scared, so out of control emotionally, physically, and mentally in my life. Never! So on the 21st I have an appt with a PTSD therapist, shes a specialist licensed in emdr, etc. If we click, she’s going to do the assessment for a two week in patient PTSD stabilization treatment program. You are so correct that this is both the untreated symptoms of PTSD and Kratom withdrawals. And you r on point to ask is the clinician EXPERIENCED?!

And I wonder if all my prior PTSD work is lost? Those first three days all my flashbacks were back in living color and I felt it all! Memories I had worked on were back and now linked to the present. I was crying to the nurse saying things like I tried I tried so hard to do my best but it didn’t work. Yeah it was an ugly first three days of WD!


Anyone diagnosed with PTSD if you are reading please understand treating yourself is not an option!
 
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PTSD is a bitch. I have experienced it longterm from an early-in-life sexual assault and from finding my son's body after he overdosed and died in his apartment. I have been able to almost completely recover from the latter but even at 64 years old, what happened to me in my early teens continues to affect my life in ways that infuriate me and make me feel very helpless.

I don't think you have lost all the previous work you did. It's all a process and so much of it comes down to neuro-retraining. I equate it to my lifelong struggle with food. I learned way back in my twenties what a good diet really meant--plant based for the majority, proteins balanced, fresh and not processed foods, more fruits and vegetables than carbohydrates, good carbs, good fats etc etc. But was I able to integrate that knowledge into my actual eating habits right away? Absolutely not. But over time, my eating continued to get better and better. And by over time, I mean decades! So, being realistic about progress is important.

I am so glad that you got someone to call that poor excuse for a mental health worker in Kansas and set them straight. Geez--the dangerous ignorance out there!

P.S. Yeah, I started the Flower Porn thread in LAVA but the photo contest has a different theme each time and it just happened to coincide with me starting my thread. :) The contest is going to be really hard to vote in this time around because they are all amazing entries!
 
Thank you for sharing cause it brought up another struggle, good. I just get so angry sometimes cause I’m like I didn’t sign up for this shit. ITS NOT FAIR! I sound like a spoiled brat I know I do! But I have to talk about it because it’s part of what holds me back, the resolve that I cannot just go on , it’s always there! A week before this big mess of a crash I found one of the men on FB that sexually abused me. I got so DAMN ANGRY. I wrote him saying, “remember me? I was 5 the little blonde girl in your neighborhood? I want you to know your smiley family pictures don’t hide what you are and everyone secretly knows how pathetically sick you and your brothers are, everyone! Despite what you and your brothers did to me I want you to know that I survived, that I am NOTHING like you, that you NEVER had that power and will die sick twisted and lonely with everyone knowing the truth. There are some things in life only God can forgive it’s not mine to forgive.” He hasn’t replied lol.

And I was in Louisiana at the time. I had to call DC and Kansas to get that absurd doc to back off! I’m scared to go in and start again but there’s no way around it.

As a mom, big big hugs, there are no words, just I am sorry, if you ever need to message, I can give some strength message me. I had to drive my son from Colorado to a treatment place in Louisiana when he was 18. Had a bp cuff, Benadryl, Xanax and bottle of jack to keep him alive till we got there. At one point my husband pulled over, got out, and threw up. I got out of that car yelled “pull your shit together get in the fucking car and don’t fucking stop unless I tell you to stop” God one of the hardest things I ever did but we made it. My son spent three years in Prison is out and clean now. Herbavore, thankful you are here on this journey with me. Thank you.

The pics r so beautiful. I going to try to upload one I took at a tulip festival. Now I am sober I see all the flaws lol.

And 1 more, how long will it take my stomach to go back to normal? Like a guess even...it’s so up and down still after 16 days clean.
 
Personally the first month is the worst depending on which benzo you w/d from. Then it gradually gets better and better until one day you realize, hey the color is back in my life.

The stomach thing, it comes and goes, the only suggestion I have is to try and relax is as much as possible when eating/digesting food. Or you can just blend your food for a while. Someone I knew had the dry heaves for the first 3 weeks but after that they were alright. Best of luck.
 
Thank you for sharing, helps my anxiety from racing into full-throttle. My brain gets stuck on, omg it’s back, you have screwed yourself for life, and snowballs. My appetite is back but I do have to force myself to eat very bland veggies, fruits, eat slowly, and not eat junk. I found for myself during this WD my body cannot tolerate even a snickers bar. Which I crave! But even a bite makes me sick. Yesterday I finally could exercise without my heart pounding out of my chest. So I see the progress. This experience has made me a believer for sure.
 
Sorry you're going through this, I withdrew from kratom and other opiates many times but I don't have PTSD, and it was terrible enough without it. It's only been 8 days after 6 months of taking it every day, you're past the main acute withdrawals but now you're in the post-acute withdrawal stage where your brain is getting back to normal without the kratom. It takes some time, but you'll be okay, don't worry, you didn't permanently mess yourself up. :)
 
Hi Xorkoth! I definitely learned a lot with this, and a hell of a lot about physical dependence. I can’t imaagine the hell you went through coming off opiates. Much respect for you and all the others. Years back they gave me percs and oxy after I had surgery on my knee. But they medically weaned me off through the end of my PT phase to avoid WD. Only thing I noticed then was my damn knee was hurting lol. Today was my first therapy appt with the PTSD specialist and I am scared but hopeful. And today no aliens! (Diarrhea). Since you mentioned it I will research paws on this site. If you have any great resources for me to read please let me know. And I will keep stressing if you have PTSD you must not self medicate. However, I do hope they find a way to use Kratom and help people. It did do the job and I could function in the beginning, unlike Ativan, Klonopin, Val and Xanax. However, without me noticing Kratom turned on me. As a result of the Kratom political climate it’s hard to find support. Therefore I appreciate your honesty. TY
 
So I was feeling better, decided to take one of my Adderall, and it all came back! I got tinglies and the anxiety! Not as bad as in the beginning but it was the same. Am I ever going to be able to take my adhd meds again? I do not mind being off of it, never been on it long term. Any experience or advice please post. Thank you
 
No stimulants for a while. If you need to, drink some green tea or take some l-theanine with your coffee/tea.
 
I just started feeling better and got so excited! And today the aliens are back(I’m not seeing them, it’s what I call diarrhea). I guess from the spin of Adderall to my system healing? My god this is teaching me about the reality of “being in control!” I will try the tea and l-theanine. Thank you for replying.
 
I also want to say that another amino acid that I feel that helps during wd's is taurine. You can take 1 gram of it 3 or 4 times a day. With the l-theanine, try and get it in powder form and take it sublingual as stomach acid will destroy it. I usually dump about 200mg of l-theanine on my tongue when im anxious.
 
Think I’m just gonna quit my ADHD meds. They don’t really help anymore and make me zombie whacked. Plus this time around in therapy I’m doing it IM sticking through the emdr and thrashing this shit once and for all! My 18 year old is also ADHD refuses meds and takes Ltyrosine? Have u every heard of it? His adhd is so much more in control than mine.
 
U think maybe all this time it was the unresolved trauma and I am not ADHD? I’m just really hyper all the time. Sometimes annoyingly hyper. This I dread when coming off but just who I am ya know.
 
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