Mental Health I Often Wonder If I Have A Gift Or Am Just Slightly Crazy?

[LandsUnknown]

I've never been "crazy" in the sense of wilding out and going berserk for no reason, but I have some very strange thoughts at times. Not always or anything, but every now and then I get paranoid in a very strange sort of way......... thinking that there's somebody "after me" or something of the sort. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I have the sense not to tell anyone about my idea. Which in a way should be cue to me that I'm just making it up in my head, but sense I have the sense not to talk about my ideas and know there's nothing that I should do about it so I just kind of say fuck it and sort of go about my business, I pretty much act and seem the same while having these ideas. And it doesn't impair my function in any way. For example, once a job I applied to didn't call me back when they said they would (though they did hire me and called back a couple days later), I thought that some sort of secret agents showed up at the place and sandbagged me.

I have no idea who or why, just some sort of mysterious organization that controls the world sort of thing. I didn't tell anyone my idea because I thought to myself "no one would believe me and there's nothing I can do about it anyways". So, it never really affected me much, but the whole thing did bother me and caused me a lot of stress until I realized how absurd my "idea" was later in the day. I was totally sober at the time. I'm always paranoid about electronics and often believe that I am being hacked and often wonder if some sort of secret organization is spying on me on a very low level...... like not spying on me all the time but just kind of eyeing me because of some sort of gifts that I have that they want to suppress or something, even though like I said I know enough not to tell anybody as they'd just think I'm nuts....... and I also know it isn't true, but I get myself convinced of this sometimes but still have the thought to know how crazy and absurd it sounds.

I've always thought like this as well. What brings me here is that I had one of my ridiculous "ideas" this morning that's too idiotic and absurd to even mention, just more of the same kind of crap, and I was drug-free. Didn't do any psychedelics or anything real recently..... and I hadn't even taken my adderall script that I got several months ago and actually hadn't even taken that in days, while I get that binging on it is a bad idea of course and honestly I never did go on any stim binges with it, when I take it if anything I'm in a better mood and less likely to go into my paranoid headspace honestly.

Just me in my sober state. However, prior to any substance use of any kind, I had similar thoughts. In fact, from the time I was probably 13 until I was in my late teens/20 or so, every night I would re-arrange objects in my room thinking that I was putting them where the aliens wanted me to put them and that if I put them in just the right spot they wouldn't abduct me. Also, completely fucking stupid and retarded. At the time, I believed it fully yet I also had the sense on a strong enough intuitive level that it didn't really freak me out enough to really affect my behavior in any significant ways, just felt strongly compelled to engage in this OCD like re arranging out of this "idea". I knew that's how other people would see it that way, so when my Mom asked me why I would compulsively re-arrange stuff in my room prior to going to bed, I always had some bullshit reason to tell her.
The thing is this part of it seems like it's more in the "crazy" category (e.g. paranoid about very odd things). Weirdly enough, I'm not even necessarily more paranoid while on anything vs off anything generally speaking. While I have gotten into the paranoid type headspace while tripping, on stims, high, etc., I'm almost as likely to start unknowingly begin concocting these strange paranoid thoughts if I haven't taken anything.

The thing that makes me think I have a gift is that I also have developled the ability to see auras, which is quite incredible. I have had this ability for several years now, yet I still don't know how to use it which kind of sucks honestly. I can see them in full color and all, and while I suppose it does give me vague ideas about people...... I haven't been able to make practical use of this ability. I don't need drugs or anything to see them. I can see them while fucked up, yes. Though, alcohol makes it a bit harder for me to see them. Yet I can generally still do it as long as I'm not completely plastered. I hung out with a group of people who were very knowledgeable about the metaphysical, and they confirmed that I was in fact seeing auras and not just deluding myself on this.

Overall, I feel basically fine and all, and none of this interferes with my life. So, I certainly wouldn't "see someone" about this. Yet I'm not sure what to think. Sometimes, I feel like my experiences have to do with being in contact with some sort of very high energy/a higher power of some kind. I've always thought this even before I took any drugs, yet on the other hand I also wonder if perhaps my "experiences" are nothing more than having a minor tendency towards delusional thinking and essentially just a very mild form of being crazy. My thinking is that it's a combination of the two somehow, which I bet is rather common. However, most people either get lumped into either having a "gift"/"psychic abilities" or being "crazy" when really it's nearly always a sort of combination of both. At least, that's what I think from my experience.

 

[JessFR]

I'll be honest, yeah I think you're slightly crazy.

But hey, we all have our quirks, so long as you're not violent or a threat to anyone, it's nobody else's business. And if you can function fine in life, I agree that there's little need to see a doctor or something if you don't want too.

Depends on if you like being the way you are. What you're experiencing, I'm sorry to say they are almost certainly delusions. You could probably receive treatment for them. Such treatment is of varying effectiveness and generally has side effects.

You're your own person and no one has any right to tell you right way of living is wrong. Provided you're not at risk of hurting anyone, and nothing you've said suggests to me that you are.

All I'm saying is, if these thoughts your having bother you, you can get help. And if they're not bothering you. All the more power too you.

I'm sorry if anything I've said offends you. But I assumed you'd want an honest opinion rather than a sugar coated lie. I really don't think there's anything inherently "wrong" about having these thoughts. It all depends on how it affects your life and the people around you.

I just wanted to say, if now or in the future you start to feel concerned or afraid, I just wanted tell you that help is out there and it can be effective.

For whatever little it's worth, I'm absolutely sure that there's no government agents out there trying to hurt you or steal your thoughts. I know it must feel very very real, but it almost certainly isn't.

I tend to think drug users are a bit better than most people at realizing how fallible and unreliable our perceptions are. So even if you don't agree with me, I hope you understand what I'm saying when I say I know what your feeling can seem very real even if it's not.

Good luck hun, I mean that. I wish you well.

 

[psyfiend]

I'm always paranoid about electronics and often believe that I am being hacked and often wonder if some sort of secret organization is spying on me on a very low level...... like not spying on me all the time but just kind of eyeing me because of some sort of gifts that I have that they want to suppress or something

I share this too, even when I'm sober. Electronics make me paranoid. I got a vpn finally to "help?" and it'll randomly disconnect/ re-connect when I visit something "sensitive".

I recently decided to encrypt my entire data drive. It was going well.. 6/ 20 hours left... I come back after work computer crashed. Lost my OS (it wasn't on the same drive :s?) tried to bring it back. Failed. Backed up. Re-installed took 5 hours to do updates just to connect/ use programs.. :s installed a Linux distro, so I can dual boot without live cds. Had to use 3rd party software to enable boot menu options just to get to it. I notice linux will still crash... but after longer periods of time.

I noticed somedays I'll get txted from friends randomly only when I step outside. My internet will also go offline in apps when using gps when data is always on. Or I'll get someones number and call them but and there's no audio on other side, weird glitch. I also had a shitty hidden cam and it died after someone came over and another time it recorded a parking accident but the footage was missing from it. My computer crashed other day the exact second when a friend came to the door.

I had another free camera app. it said 4gb max "in the cloud". The phone will bug out.. out of memory. sign me out etc. really annoying. I check it says its taking 5.7gb.. I cant access the files in the cloud via computer there's "nothing" there. only on the phone. I cant move them or transfer them either only a few files.

I admit I try to not overthink it though, it just gets worst the paranoia.

 

[Skippwiggins]

Background: I am intelligent, confident and have no mental illness. I dropped out of college for addiction reasons but I have worked full time since I was 18(6 years). Come from a loving and compassionate family. Opiate addiction issues(on Suboxone Long term).

You are not crazy. Thousands are going through this right now as am I.

I posted on a chaos magic website and ever since my life has been like yours. My life was normal before this and if I have one regret in my life it was making that post. It might also be a blessing. Beings enter my dreams. My dreams are comprised of drug use, sex, and fear. Snakes and cats dominate my dreams. Snakes represent kundanili rising or serpent fire as they call the powers you receive once attaining enlightenment.

No FBI agents or CIA. You are being hacked, listened to, and followed. It's the free masons. There are thousands of novice/apprentice masons. The free masons own the world. I've spent literally thousands of hours researching online and reading books. The proof is undeniable. Look up "gangstalking" literally thousands all over the world are being followed and harassed. Their goal is for you to commit suicide or put yourself in jail or institutions. Its a test. If you dig deeper and communicate with them psychicly you will learn that the reason you are being 'gangstalked' is because you are special. Only those with powerful auras, those attaining enlightenment and kundalini rising are being followed. Why? Because the truth of magic cannot be revealed. You either die, get locked up, or join them.

I have not abused psychedelics o stimulants or benzos in 18 month. I do not smoke marijuana. I take Suboxone and occasionally steroids.

Look up mason magic, gangstalking, neo-paganism, and kundanili(sp) yoga and it's benefits and negatives.

I have met with and spoken to free masons. They do watch your digital trail but mainly psychicly. The can learn everything about you through your thoughts dreams And subconscious. Their goal is to end this world. Their goal is power. They might kick your ass but they won't mortaly harm you unless needed. We are in a time trap from Saturn's rings and their is a soul trap we are all in a constant never ending cycle of reincarnation. Billions of souls that have attained enlightenment have regressed back to this physical dimension. Why do think the world is so populated right now?

You are special. Do not give into any fear or paranoia. Any paranoid thoughts are to be dismissed. Just live your life as normal as you can. Don't tell anyone about your delusions. No need to lose friends or family.

They want Isis and osiris to reunite so their Satan can be resurrected.

The 'beings' you talk about are the annunaki. Whom I have psychicly spoken with. The free masons work with many different beings. Mainly those from the Orion constellation. Ever hear the metallica song Orion? You know what the brand Gap is backwards? Its Pag -pagan - founded 1969... 1, 6, 9 all have great symbolism power in paganism and wiccah. This symbolism is seen all throughout popular culture, music, televisions, movies, art,etc.

Godlikeproductions is OK but try biblioescalaydes that Is a great source. I'll post other sources when I have time.

Note: for may safety all my written word on bluelight.org is fiction.

 

[yompf]

^@skippwiggins your post was really unsettling. Sorry you are going through all that.
.I advise OP to search his own heart for truth and avoid putting any thought energy towards fear based beliefs .
OP , I kind of feel like sometimes the more open you are psychically , the less grounded you can become . Like people with schitzophrenia , it's my opinion that often they are TOO open , and arnt able to process the information they receive properly . So their thoughts manifest in all sorts of ways that lead to paranoia and what people call crazy. They do suffer because of it. Not saying this is you though.
If you are awakening into your psychic abilities etc , it's really important for you and really everyone, to stay grounded. There are stones and simple meditations that will ground you.
I would suggest talking to someone whom can help you out on a deeper level.
Obviously not a doctor. Try alternative medicine. Like a shamanic practitioner .
Do you believe in past lives? Your story about the OCD you developed due to fear of abduction or something bad happening to you, made me wonder if it was related to a trauma you experienced in a past life.
Sometimes that can happen . You can experience problems in your current life , because of something that happened to you in the past .
If you are having these bothersome thoughts that don't make sense , you should get to the bottom of them.
A past life regression could reveal answers.
A Shamanic practitioner (a good one) could help with other things , at least take a look at you , cover some bases a doctor would just call crazy.
Best of luck

 

[d1nach]

Have you tried mood stabilizer or antipsychotics?

I mean its always up to you. But, id be exhausted having to deal with what you experiance.

Personally, I take lithium and depakote because they havent given me any side effects.

 

[relentlessgenjin]

I have black electrical tape and a smiley face sticker over the screen side camera on my phone not because of a gift I am worried about sharing rather I am about as sane as harvesting guano shrooms

 

[wallywogs]

Haha yeah yer nuts...who isnt really. The fact that you put this together so well tells me you are not stupid....maybe a bit crazy though. I have a therapist I talk to and I tell him all kind of crazy shit. Gets it all off my chest. Take Care

 

[demonapocalypse]

There’s a lot of people in a similar boat who believe they are being “gangstalked” (not sure if this is an accurate use of the word but it’s definitely what you’re describing)

But if you think about it logically, you’re not special enough for someone to devote their life to surveying you. Sorry but no matter what you do (unless you’re some incredibly famous celebrity I guess) there is no chance that anyone cares about you enough to be watching you. Whenever I get scared that there’s someone watching me or something I just remember that I’m not special enough for someone to devote their life to watching me. And I tell myself that if I’m wrong I’ll just laugh it off because some idiot is really stupid enough to devote their life to my boring existence. Or maybe I’d just take it as a way to inflate my ego, someone really thought I was special enough to watch!

 

[lilbitstrange22]

I am just here to vouch and say yeah

It's the Masons. Mine are Mormon Masons lol.

They have waaaay too much time on their hands. Self righteoussss

I love them though. I actually benefitted from the experience it was like an initiation. I had fun. They had fun. We all win

 

[washingtonbound]

I've never been "crazy" in the sense of wilding out and going berserk for no reason, but I have some very strange thoughts at times. Not always or anything, but every now and then I get paranoid in a very strange sort of way......... thinking that there's somebody "after me" or something of the sort. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I have the sense not to tell anyone about my idea. Which in a way should be cue to me that I'm just making it up in my head, but sense I have the sense not to talk about my ideas and know there's nothing that I should do about it so I just kind of say fuck it and sort of go about my business, I pretty much act and seem the same while having these ideas. And it doesn't impair my function in any way. For example, once a job I applied to didn't call me back when they said they would (though they did hire me and called back a couple days later), I thought that some sort of secret agents showed up at the place and sandbagged me.

I have no idea who or why, just some sort of mysterious organization that controls the world sort of thing. I didn't tell anyone my idea because I thought to myself "no one would believe me and there's nothing I can do about it anyways". So, it never really affected me much, but the whole thing did bother me and caused me a lot of stress until I realized how absurd my "idea" was later in the day. I was totally sober at the time. I'm always paranoid about electronics and often believe that I am being hacked and often wonder if some sort of secret organization is spying on me on a very low level...... like not spying on me all the time but just kind of eyeing me because of some sort of gifts that I have that they want to suppress or something, even though like I said I know enough not to tell anybody as they'd just think I'm nuts....... and I also know it isn't true, but I get myself convinced of this sometimes but still have the thought to know how crazy and absurd it sounds.

I've always thought like this as well. What brings me here is that I had one of my ridiculous "ideas" this morning that's too idiotic and absurd to even mention, just more of the same kind of crap, and I was drug-free. Didn't do any psychedelics or anything real recently..... and I hadn't even taken my adderall script that I got several months ago and actually hadn't even taken that in days, while I get that binging on it is a bad idea of course and honestly I never did go on any stim binges with it, when I take it if anything I'm in a better mood and less likely to go into my paranoid headspace honestly.

Just me in my sober state. However, prior to any substance use of any kind, I had similar thoughts. In fact, from the time I was probably 13 until I was in my late teens/20 or so, every night I would re-arrange objects in my room thinking that I was putting them where the aliens wanted me to put them and that if I put them in just the right spot they wouldn't abduct me. Also, completely fucking stupid and retarded. At the time, I believed it fully yet I also had the sense on a strong enough intuitive level that it didn't really freak me out enough to really affect my behavior in any significant ways, just felt strongly compelled to engage in this OCD like re arranging out of this "idea". I knew that's how other people would see it that way, so when my Mom asked me why I would compulsively re-arrange stuff in my room prior to going to bed, I always had some bullshit reason to tell her.
The thing is this part of it seems like it's more in the "crazy" category (e.g. paranoid about very odd things). Weirdly enough, I'm not even necessarily more paranoid while on anything vs off anything generally speaking. While I have gotten into the paranoid type headspace while tripping, on stims, high, etc., I'm almost as likely to start unknowingly begin concocting these strange paranoid thoughts if I haven't taken anything.

The thing that makes me think I have a gift is that I also have developled the ability to see auras, which is quite incredible. I have had this ability for several years now, yet I still don't know how to use it which kind of sucks honestly. I can see them in full color and all, and while I suppose it does give me vague ideas about people...... I haven't been able to make practical use of this ability. I don't need drugs or anything to see them. I can see them while fucked up, yes. Though, alcohol makes it a bit harder for me to see them. Yet I can generally still do it as long as I'm not completely plastered. I hung out with a group of people who were very knowledgeable about the metaphysical, and they confirmed that I was in fact seeing auras and not just deluding myself on this.

Overall, I feel basically fine and all, and none of this interferes with my life. So, I certainly wouldn't "see someone" about this. Yet I'm not sure what to think. Sometimes, I feel like my experiences have to do with being in contact with some sort of very high energy/a higher power of some kind. I've always thought this even before I took any drugs, yet on the other hand I also wonder if perhaps my "experiences" are nothing more than having a minor tendency towards delusional thinking and essentially just a very mild form of being crazy. My thinking is that it's a combination of the two somehow, which I bet is rather common. However, most people either get lumped into either having a "gift"/"psychic abilities" or being "crazy" when really it's nearly always a sort of combination of both. At least, that's what I think from my experience.

Sounds like psychosis

 

[Eryximachus]

There are a lot of delusions here. It's really sad, and I wish there was something persuasive that can be said. I had meth induced delusions almost 3 years ago, so much so I got fired from a good job. Antipsychotics worked fast.