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I feel nothing, like nothing, hate nothing, love nothing! If I stop will I return?

R

rick24wag

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 4, 2016
Messages
21
So I won't make this too long but I really appreciate anyone that has stopped suboxone and found thier joy for life returned. I had a great life, a great wife, great career, great friend, it seemed perfect compared to who I am today. I have an addicted personality as I used meth a lot in my late teen years but stopped after age 21. I graduated college and got married but had terrible anxiety since stopping meth. I worked as an engineer and finally my dr put me on atavan and that changed me into a normal person. I didn't worry about worrying anymore. I was finally free and felt great! I did start drinking more then I should but it never got me in too much trouble (no dui). My wife did want me to stop drinking so I did at age 35 and I had some dental work done and got vikes. I liked them and my friends had them sometimes so I started taking those.

I got into a couple car accidents and I went to a spine dr and he literally asked me "what do i want and how many"? I thought it was a trick but I said 4 10mg OC a day. The next month we went to 4x15mg a day. I only took that many and I liked it a lot. Different doctor also put me on adderall and lyrica. So I'd wake up with adderall and 1 or 2 oxys and take another 1 oxys and adderall in the evening I'd take atavan and oxy. This lasted for 2 years and I knew I was hooked. I took medical leave to kick and I did but I got back on them. I kicked again and I just felt terrible. I was in such bad shape I wanted to kill myself. It was that bad and I didn't know why. I had been clean for months. I went to the hospital and they put me on 16mg suboxone. I felt high the first time I took them and normal again. I was happy but they said I had to stop taking atavan. I was taking 4-5mg a day for 15 years and they tappered me in 10 days. I felt terrible and basically didn't leave my bedroom for 4 months.

It was the worst time of my life and my wife's. I don't know how she stayed. My little kids basically didn't see their dad for a while but I was downstairs. Finally I felt a bit better and I was still prescribed 16mg suboxone, 60mg adderall and lyrica. No more benzo. That was 4 years ago and to this day I'm still not myself. I don't take lyrica anymore and feel fine about that but i take adderall because I can't do anything without them. The sub until last year really did make me feel better and I could be active but the last 6 months its hard to get out of bed. I just feel nothing. I don't think about sex which is very very stragne for me!

I am so annoyed by my wife no matter what she does for no reason. I enjoy my daughters buy I can only be around them so much without it being overload. I have no motivation, can't finish projects, I am irresponsible, alcohol doesn't have an effect on me anymore which is strange, I can't sleep for more then a few hours then can't get out of bed until 2pm, I am just wasting my life away. I was laid off from work and I want to rejoin the world but I hardly leave my house. I never was out of control while on oxys and I only took the right amount as prescribed and my life was great. No one even thought i was taking them and in my crazy mind I think it would be great to go back on them but I know no doc with do that. I have tried to kick subs a couple times and it was so terrible and I can't stand my wife seeing me like that.

So has anyone stopped taking this shit and felt terrible on them but once you stopped WD did you return to normal? I so wish I could be the person I was and I know it'll never be the exact same but any feeling is better then no feeling. Please give me any advice, tips, stories, supplements, hell even psychedelic fixes like dmt or that super trippin root stuff in africa or mexico. I just think what's the point of this? I smoke like 2.5 packs of cigs a day just to feel something different and I secretly hope I get cancer so i won't have to deal with this horror anymore. This cloud over my life is exhausting.

I have a great family and I'm not there for them like I should be and I think yeah it'll devastate them if I die but long term it'll be best because I'm not living. I'm also so lazy though I know i'll never do anything to hurt myself so I just wish it which i know is fucking crazy and pathetic. I don't really tell this to my doc or family because I don't want to worry them and I'm sick of hurting them. Ok enough rambling. Let em know what you think since I am just tired of this but if I kick this shit and I feel like I did before and its still awful whats the fucking point right? Do i have to give it like 6 months and then life returns? thanks
 
I've been on subs for SEVEN years now and am terrified to come off. I made the mistake of dating a major dealer and had access to ALL the OXY that I could EVER want.... We are talking Scarface amounts of 80s and 120s! This was only after I got in a car accident and they actually prescribed these for two herniated discs. I DID need pain meds, but not OCs:( WAY too strong. I am down to maybe 2mg every other day of subs and am running out quickly with no insurance coverage. I don't want to just get on something else. Am fairly clean, don't drink, have taken Ket maybe a few times over ten years, and maybe a few edibles here and there or a Xanax. I eat healthy, but almost never sleep. Did you taper off the subs and how long did it take???
 
yes... been on the sub for two years, when my husband died, I had to deal with this loss after 32 years of marriage and get on suboxone to avoid major withdrawal I was at the point where I would rather die then go cold turkey again, so I felt like suboxone saved my life, in the beginning it did, then after long term use, it made me emotionally flat too, for me I am learning less is more and am down to 2.6 mg, that's an 8mg strip into thirds. etizolam 1 or 2 mg sparingly for anxiety and depression and muscle spasms cause no one will rx you a benzo while on sub. This is working..... I have seen glimmers of hope and a glimpse of my old self. When it comes to sub less is more. I wish you the best and hope this may help you some.
 
Sub Taper

The clinics start people on such high doses of sub I read that anything over 8mg. is really all the brain needs. I know that when I went from 16 to 8mg, from 2 films a day to one, it really was not that difficult, then from 8mg to 4mg I did without too much discomfort. It's when you start going down lower than 4 mg is when it gets really difficult, Even though I see a glimpse of hope of my old self, like today for instance I feel like crap. Etizolam today.. it's a slippery slope, but if it gets really bad, about every 4 days I will take an additional third of a strip to up the level slightly.
 
Good4you said:
I've been on subs for SEVEN years now and am terrified to come off. I made the mistake of dating a major dealer and had access to ALL the OXY that I could EVER want.... We are talking Scarface amounts of 80s and 120s! This was only after I got in a car accident and they actually prescribed these for two herniated discs. I DID need pain meds, but not OCs:( WAY too strong. I am down to maybe 2mg every other day of subs and am running out quickly with no insurance coverage. I don't want to just get on something else. Am fairly clean, don't drink, have taken Ket maybe a few times over ten years, and maybe a few edibles here and there or a Xanax. I eat healthy, but almost never sleep. Did you taper off the subs and how long did it take???
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I have tapered but not that long. I hear is best to taper for a long time first. I just don't know how long after being of them your old self returns. It's sucks getting of subs. Way worse then of us for me at least. I don't have many emotions but I'm very angry at our medical industry even though I own my own part
 
Thank you I know is there's probably tons of answers here for me but my attention span is horrid so it's hard to find things. I just hate the mental walls I have up and cloud over my mind. I'd do just about anything to get back my normal self. Feel cursed or banished into another world
 
rick24wag said:
Thank you I know is there's probably tons of answers here for me but my attention span is horrid so it's hard to find things. I just hate the mental walls I have up and cloud over my mind. I'd do just about anything to get back my normal self. Feel cursed or banished into another world
Click to expand...

The best thing is to start tapering down off the sub. At high doses, any opiate is going to give you that flat affect, and sub, for some people, is one of the worst. Is methadone an option for you? (Where I live there's no clinic, and I'm in no position to travel 4 hours a day to get to the closest one.) It causes flat affect in some people, but you may be one of those people who do better on it. It's possible that you may get your mojo back simply by switching from suboxone to methadone.

If that's not possible, try to get your sub dose down to 4 mg or so. Because of the ceiling effect, most people can taper that low without too much trouble. I got all the way down to 1 mg per week, divided up into every other day, before I started having trouble. Once I tried to get completely off, I went into withdrawals that never seemed to get better, so I went back on sub at that dose, and that's where I am now. The trick is, once you get to the lower doses, taper slowly to avoid withdrawal. I didn't have hardly any symptoms until I got extremely low or tried to get off.

You don't say anything about being in any type of support group. Are you? I'd suggest getting into something where you could talk to other addicts. I do AA because I live in a small town and there are few options, but I don't discuss my Suboxone maintenance. Bigger cities have groups affiliated with clinics where people can openly discuss problems with methadone or Suboxone maintenance. That might be very helpful. You WILL get back whatever is 'normal' for you after you get off Suboxone, although it may take several months. If you are still at 16 mg, your dose is way too high. Doctors don't understand that less is more with Sub, and high doses don't work any better because of the ceiling effect (which in my experience is at 4-8 mg) but can cause many more side effects. Don't lose hope, though. It will not be a completely pleasant road to get to where you get your joy in life back, but if you work at it, you will succeed. Suboxone is not the type of drug, as some psych drugs are, that affect your body and brain in ways that are permanent. Whatever effects they have will eventually go away once you get off the drug. And even though I haven't succeeded at getting off, it is possible. My other health issues make my situation a little different from most people. I'm terminal, and don't wish to spend any of what time I have left in withdrawal, and if my ability to feel things is blunted, in my situation that can be a good thing. That isn't true for the average Suboxone patient. You CAN recover!
 
So I wanted to update as I've found hearing updates gives me a good picture of what to expect even though we are all different. I started exercising last year and they really helped. I finally felt my mind get clear. That lasted 7 months and it was great but just last week I've found it hard to get out of bed. It's really frustrating. My finances and business is complicated and I've been very stressed for some time about it and maybe it's finally taking over. I've always been motivated by stress. Now I'm in bed. I've been of benzos for 2 years so they are not a problem. I'm taking 12 mg sub and 60 mg adderall a day. Adderall barely dones anything anymore. Both are prescribed. I've tried getting down to 4mg sub and it's not too hard but subs so help me get things done so I use them to work. I just know I'll never be the person I was on this stuff. I've been seriously looking at iboine (spelling?) Or ahewaska. I've heard great success stories and I have had a few amazing experiences with psychedelics. Depression, anxiety, opioids, abusive childhood, alcohol issues have been a big part of my life and I don't think I've dealt with them correctly. I'm 43 and still haven't lost anything vital like my kids, wife or freedom. My life was so much better on oxy. My career and family life were great. I only took the prescribed amount 80mg day, but I was worried so I got on subs. That has put my life on hold at I'm not consistent enough to work a 9-5 but I'm much better and closer but this recent week long time in bed tells me I'm not there. I need to make a real change. Suicidal thoughts pop in my mind and I haven't had them in 6 months. I wouldn't do it though since I know I still have options.If anyone has good experiences of taking ahewaska by getting it on dark web I'd love to hear how it went. Thanks
 
Going to leave that message there because I saw it late.. if another mod wants to delete be my guest.

First off, this guy talks about being on clonazepam in another thread, so I'm not sure why he is so arrogant. Things like getting out of bed is a struggle everyone can relate to. If you can't, you are either not being honest with yourself or never had to do anything difficult in your life, like go to school or work with the flu.

If you do not want to hear about someone's struggle, then the TDS really isn't the place for you.
 
Derschieber, I don't want to see you posting in TDS again if you're going to be arrogant and abusive. This is a place for support. You sound like an angry person just trying to vent your frustrations on other people. When you're back from your temp ban, you'll get another if you try posting like that in TDS again.
 
Hey Rick, I really feel for you. I just recently cold turkeyed heroin,subs and Xanax . I would always rotate subs and heroin. It took me a long time to realize that subs dull my emotions . I thought I was acting normal until one day I flipped out on my gf and that is out of character for me. If you were able to isolate for 4 months while kicking benzos maybe you can find it in yourself to do the same with subs. Apparently benzos are harder to kick(me personally I think opiates are harder) . Seems like you have a great life minus the drugs . I really wish you and your family the best.
 
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