Preparation:
I'd been contemplating and researching my first try with LSD for some time. I eventually decided that a solo trip would be best for me for a few reasons. Firstly, one of my tendencies in life is to feel responsible for and be aware of other people's emotions and experiences, and I knew if I was tripping with others there would be a higher chance that I'd get drawn into their experience, rather than being able to stay with my own. Secondly, I felt like I was at a place where I was ready to have an experience that was really about me, rather than someone else. I knew that even having a sober sitter around would likely inhibit me in some ways. I therefore decided to trip alone, at home, where I felt safe and comfortable, on a moderate dose.
I let a friend who is experienced with drugs know my plans, and she offered to act as an online/telephone trip sitter, should I need it. I created a nice environment for myself by getting blankets and pillows ready on my sofa, setting up my living room with speakers for music, and fairy lights. I found some documentaries, youtube clips and visualisations I might want to watch, and had some art supplies to hand. I wrote some notes for myself should I start to go into a bad trip (a reminder of what time I'd dosed, that it'd be a temporary experience and to change something like the music if I was feeling bad). I also wrote a note by my front door to remind myself I was on LSD and if I was going outside, what to wear and what to take with me, and got that stuff ready so I wouldn't have to go searching for it.
The trip:
I took half a tab at 7.15pm. Within about 10-20 minutes, I noticed something very slight, like a sense of stepping back from my usual mental whirring a little bit. However, I was expecting a quicker, harsher and more obvious come up, like MDMA but with visuals, but it wasn't like that at all; in fact, I was hardly sure anything was happening. After about an hour and 45, I was convinced it wasn't working or doing much of anything, as apart from feeling a bit calm, nothing much was going on.
At that point, I had an urge to open my window. It had been snowing outside, and I reached out and touched some snow, which felt nice. I then touched a leaf from the bush outside my window, which felt really good. I closed the window and had a sudden urge to touch more plants, so I went and got a house plant of mine and sat there on my sofa holding one of its leaves, and started giggling to myself. At that point I thought, okay, it is definitely doing something! I had an impulse to draw the plant, which I started, but then abandoned. I really wanted to go outside. My perception still felt very normal, so I decided it was safe and okay for me to go out.
I ventured out onto my street and decided to go for a little walk. It felt so good to be outside, and I was aware that I kept breaking out into the hugest grin. Everything felt very calm, and very simple, which is almost the exact opposite of how I'd expected to feel - I think I'd expected the world to become this complex, overwhelming visual and spiritual mess, but instead everything felt so easy and stress-free. I reflected on the fact that I needed to be outside more in my everyday life, as it felt like such a nice experience. I could've just walked around forever. No one was about, so I let myself touch some trees, some snow and leaves, which just felt amazing.
I remembered reading someone saying that oranges were amazing on LSD, so I decided to walk to the shop and buy some, which I did, and that was all fine. Got home and put the documentary Samsara on, and started eating my oranges very very slowly. They tasted incredible, and the feeling of them was also like nothing else. I had this little piece of orange peel I just kept clinging onto, and I found myself thinking about all the sunshine energy that had gone into making that particular orange, and now I had eaten it, all that sunshine was inside me, and in this little piece of peel in my hand, and how amazing that was.
I paused the film at one point, and wrote down some stuff about a realisation I had: that I live my life with a constant narrative in my head, as though I am at some future point looking back over events and describing them, rather than being in the moment. I wrote about how limiting that is for me, because it means I am always judging and evaluating things from this impossible 'future' perspective, and having emotional responses to my narrative, rather than just being in the simplicity of the moment. I'd never considered things from that point of view before, and that has stayed with me since.
After the film finished, I'd reached about the four hour point since dosing. I'd read online that most people realise they are peaking around 3-3.5 hours in, and I thought, 'well, this must be it'. I was sort of disappointed that I wasn't getting any visuals or anything more intense like I had expected. I went to the bathroom to pee, stood up, and looked in the mirror over the sink. Suddenly it was like looking in a fun house mirror; my face was sort of moving in size as I moved back and forwards in the mirror, as were the walls behind me. I started laughing hysterically and stood there for a while looking at myself and everything moving around. It was only in the mirror that there appeared to be any distortions.
I went into my bedroom, put my headphones on and started listening to some music (started with a bit of Shpongle, then onto some melodic techno and progressive house). I was compelled to dance, and started dancing around with myself in the mirror, which was really nice as I felt like I was dancing with another version of myself. After a while, I sat down on the bed and noticed the bed was 'breathing' a bit, but I could only see it when I wasn't looking at it directly. I have some 3D butterflies stuck on my wall, and if I didn't focus on them I could see them sort of moving a bit, but then when I brought them back into focus, they'd stop. None of it felt disturbing or weird, just very matter-of-fact and normal.
I guess at that point I really went into the trip. For the next three hours, I spent it a mixture of dancing, dancing blindfolded with a scarf, lying in bed blindfolded, looking out of the window, wandering around my flat a bit, having a cup of tea, all while listening to music. I kept feeling alternately hot and cold. I could get into the trip, but I found I had to sort of will myself to go into it or find ways to enhance it, and the blindfold helped with that.
With my eyes closed I definitely saw some trippy things. My friend who had supplied me with the LSD appeared to me as a massive centaur to one track, with this incredible pink masculine energy, which was really amazing. There were other images I had, sort of like waking dreams, and again I'm wondering if with a higher dose there would be less of a distinction between the outside, eyes open world and the 'inner' world of what I could see when I really focused on diving into it.
I had another kind of realisation that I often tell myself there is a kind of void in me that I am always looking to fill, because I often feel quite needy in relationships, as though I am constantly looking for connection with my partner (I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment type). In the trip, I realised that actually there isn't a void at all, I'm completely fine as I am, it is just that I am always looking for someone or something to distract me from my own inner chatter, however there is nothing at all missing from me.
One really powerful part of the trip happened about 2am. A track came on and suddenly I thought about my nan and grandad who have both died now, and I held out my arms and it was like I was flying through space holding hands with each of them. I started bawling then, proper amazing and deep grief evacuation, but it felt entirely normal and OK and matter of fact, somehow less painful than my normal emotional pain, but at the same time deeper and more profound. It was like I was getting something really important out, and I felt entirely at peace with that, almost as though on some level I was observing it without and judgement or difficulty. After a little while it passed. Between 2am and 3am time took on a weird quality, where everything felt much longer than it was, so it was hard to tell how long this actually went on for. It seemed like about 20 minutes, but was probably less than 5. I was quite restless throughout this hour, getting up, lying down, wandering around, not quite knowing what to do with myself.
Around 3am, I was listening to one particular track and noticed myself get sucked into a 'thought loop' about my other grandad who had died a few years ago, and his funeral, but after staying with that a couple of minutes I felt done with it, so I just changed the track and continued my trip, and the thoughts went away.
By the time it got to about 3.45am I was feeling really tired. I knew a lot of people said the trip lasts for about 12 hours and sleep would be impossible, but I thought I'd try anyway. I did manage to drift off quite quickly. I woke up again about 7.30am and I still had that fabulous feeling of peace, calm and wellbeing, then went to sleep again for a couple of hours.
Subsequent days and reflection
The day after I had a wonderful afterglow. Unlike comedowns from MDMA, during which I generally feel really crap and weepy, this time I only felt a little tired but also motivated and with a profound inner calm. I went out the following day to the library and took out some books on mythology, and took myself for coffee and cake. Music still had a wonderful deep quality.
I reflected that there was no point of the trip that felt uncomfortable, wrong or anxiety-provoking in any way. I was really pleased that one of the things that I felt I had learnt was the deep connection that I have with myself; I felt the experience had shown me that I can trust myself, that my connection with myself is so strong that trust in myself should never even be a question. I usually live with quite a high level of anxiety, but that has drastically reduced in the days following, and has been replaced by a deeper sense of calm and self-trust.
I can see that for me, a big part of what could potentially lead to a difficult trip would be being around others. For example, the part where I was sobbing could've been quite concerning for someone else, and it perhaps would've been quite difficult to explain what was going on and doing so would've taken me out of the moment. It didn't feel disturbing or wrong for me to be crying at all, but I could see how that might negatively impact someone else's trip, and then worrying about bringing someone else down would've negatively impacted my own. I am really, really glad I chose a solo trip, so for my first time I was completely free to go where I needed to go and follow my intuition (which at one point did lead me to dancing around in the pitch black in my boyfriend's dressing gown with a scarf tied around my head, haha).
I'd definitely do LSD again in a few months, and at a higher dose. I still have a sense that I don't know what tripping really feels like, because there was a 'separation' between the trip and my normal, conscious reality, and I imagine at a slightly higher dose the two would be more integrated. However, I know I did the right amount for that time to make it safe and give me insight into how it goes and give myself confidence that I am ready to handle what it might bring.
I feel really grateful to have had the experience. It didn't give me the insight I was expecting so much in terms of 'messages', but it was the trip itself that was a message - that there is a simplicity and an 'okayness' in me and my relationship to the world that is the best place to be, and it is only me over complicating and overthinking everything that causes me so much discontent. I feel that insight has landed at a body level, in that I can actually feel the calm that it brings, rather than it just being a 'thought'.
Tips for next time:
- Trip outside in spring/summer
- Take a big jumper with a hood
- Take oranges and water!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
roacode_sublingual
I'd been contemplating and researching my first try with LSD for some time. I eventually decided that a solo trip would be best for me for a few reasons. Firstly, one of my tendencies in life is to feel responsible for and be aware of other people's emotions and experiences, and I knew if I was tripping with others there would be a higher chance that I'd get drawn into their experience, rather than being able to stay with my own. Secondly, I felt like I was at a place where I was ready to have an experience that was really about me, rather than someone else. I knew that even having a sober sitter around would likely inhibit me in some ways. I therefore decided to trip alone, at home, where I felt safe and comfortable, on a moderate dose.
I let a friend who is experienced with drugs know my plans, and she offered to act as an online/telephone trip sitter, should I need it. I created a nice environment for myself by getting blankets and pillows ready on my sofa, setting up my living room with speakers for music, and fairy lights. I found some documentaries, youtube clips and visualisations I might want to watch, and had some art supplies to hand. I wrote some notes for myself should I start to go into a bad trip (a reminder of what time I'd dosed, that it'd be a temporary experience and to change something like the music if I was feeling bad). I also wrote a note by my front door to remind myself I was on LSD and if I was going outside, what to wear and what to take with me, and got that stuff ready so I wouldn't have to go searching for it.
The trip:
I took half a tab at 7.15pm. Within about 10-20 minutes, I noticed something very slight, like a sense of stepping back from my usual mental whirring a little bit. However, I was expecting a quicker, harsher and more obvious come up, like MDMA but with visuals, but it wasn't like that at all; in fact, I was hardly sure anything was happening. After about an hour and 45, I was convinced it wasn't working or doing much of anything, as apart from feeling a bit calm, nothing much was going on.
At that point, I had an urge to open my window. It had been snowing outside, and I reached out and touched some snow, which felt nice. I then touched a leaf from the bush outside my window, which felt really good. I closed the window and had a sudden urge to touch more plants, so I went and got a house plant of mine and sat there on my sofa holding one of its leaves, and started giggling to myself. At that point I thought, okay, it is definitely doing something! I had an impulse to draw the plant, which I started, but then abandoned. I really wanted to go outside. My perception still felt very normal, so I decided it was safe and okay for me to go out.
I ventured out onto my street and decided to go for a little walk. It felt so good to be outside, and I was aware that I kept breaking out into the hugest grin. Everything felt very calm, and very simple, which is almost the exact opposite of how I'd expected to feel - I think I'd expected the world to become this complex, overwhelming visual and spiritual mess, but instead everything felt so easy and stress-free. I reflected on the fact that I needed to be outside more in my everyday life, as it felt like such a nice experience. I could've just walked around forever. No one was about, so I let myself touch some trees, some snow and leaves, which just felt amazing.
I remembered reading someone saying that oranges were amazing on LSD, so I decided to walk to the shop and buy some, which I did, and that was all fine. Got home and put the documentary Samsara on, and started eating my oranges very very slowly. They tasted incredible, and the feeling of them was also like nothing else. I had this little piece of orange peel I just kept clinging onto, and I found myself thinking about all the sunshine energy that had gone into making that particular orange, and now I had eaten it, all that sunshine was inside me, and in this little piece of peel in my hand, and how amazing that was.
I paused the film at one point, and wrote down some stuff about a realisation I had: that I live my life with a constant narrative in my head, as though I am at some future point looking back over events and describing them, rather than being in the moment. I wrote about how limiting that is for me, because it means I am always judging and evaluating things from this impossible 'future' perspective, and having emotional responses to my narrative, rather than just being in the simplicity of the moment. I'd never considered things from that point of view before, and that has stayed with me since.
After the film finished, I'd reached about the four hour point since dosing. I'd read online that most people realise they are peaking around 3-3.5 hours in, and I thought, 'well, this must be it'. I was sort of disappointed that I wasn't getting any visuals or anything more intense like I had expected. I went to the bathroom to pee, stood up, and looked in the mirror over the sink. Suddenly it was like looking in a fun house mirror; my face was sort of moving in size as I moved back and forwards in the mirror, as were the walls behind me. I started laughing hysterically and stood there for a while looking at myself and everything moving around. It was only in the mirror that there appeared to be any distortions.
I went into my bedroom, put my headphones on and started listening to some music (started with a bit of Shpongle, then onto some melodic techno and progressive house). I was compelled to dance, and started dancing around with myself in the mirror, which was really nice as I felt like I was dancing with another version of myself. After a while, I sat down on the bed and noticed the bed was 'breathing' a bit, but I could only see it when I wasn't looking at it directly. I have some 3D butterflies stuck on my wall, and if I didn't focus on them I could see them sort of moving a bit, but then when I brought them back into focus, they'd stop. None of it felt disturbing or weird, just very matter-of-fact and normal.
I guess at that point I really went into the trip. For the next three hours, I spent it a mixture of dancing, dancing blindfolded with a scarf, lying in bed blindfolded, looking out of the window, wandering around my flat a bit, having a cup of tea, all while listening to music. I kept feeling alternately hot and cold. I could get into the trip, but I found I had to sort of will myself to go into it or find ways to enhance it, and the blindfold helped with that.
With my eyes closed I definitely saw some trippy things. My friend who had supplied me with the LSD appeared to me as a massive centaur to one track, with this incredible pink masculine energy, which was really amazing. There were other images I had, sort of like waking dreams, and again I'm wondering if with a higher dose there would be less of a distinction between the outside, eyes open world and the 'inner' world of what I could see when I really focused on diving into it.
I had another kind of realisation that I often tell myself there is a kind of void in me that I am always looking to fill, because I often feel quite needy in relationships, as though I am constantly looking for connection with my partner (I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment type). In the trip, I realised that actually there isn't a void at all, I'm completely fine as I am, it is just that I am always looking for someone or something to distract me from my own inner chatter, however there is nothing at all missing from me.
One really powerful part of the trip happened about 2am. A track came on and suddenly I thought about my nan and grandad who have both died now, and I held out my arms and it was like I was flying through space holding hands with each of them. I started bawling then, proper amazing and deep grief evacuation, but it felt entirely normal and OK and matter of fact, somehow less painful than my normal emotional pain, but at the same time deeper and more profound. It was like I was getting something really important out, and I felt entirely at peace with that, almost as though on some level I was observing it without and judgement or difficulty. After a little while it passed. Between 2am and 3am time took on a weird quality, where everything felt much longer than it was, so it was hard to tell how long this actually went on for. It seemed like about 20 minutes, but was probably less than 5. I was quite restless throughout this hour, getting up, lying down, wandering around, not quite knowing what to do with myself.
Around 3am, I was listening to one particular track and noticed myself get sucked into a 'thought loop' about my other grandad who had died a few years ago, and his funeral, but after staying with that a couple of minutes I felt done with it, so I just changed the track and continued my trip, and the thoughts went away.
By the time it got to about 3.45am I was feeling really tired. I knew a lot of people said the trip lasts for about 12 hours and sleep would be impossible, but I thought I'd try anyway. I did manage to drift off quite quickly. I woke up again about 7.30am and I still had that fabulous feeling of peace, calm and wellbeing, then went to sleep again for a couple of hours.
Subsequent days and reflection
The day after I had a wonderful afterglow. Unlike comedowns from MDMA, during which I generally feel really crap and weepy, this time I only felt a little tired but also motivated and with a profound inner calm. I went out the following day to the library and took out some books on mythology, and took myself for coffee and cake. Music still had a wonderful deep quality.
I reflected that there was no point of the trip that felt uncomfortable, wrong or anxiety-provoking in any way. I was really pleased that one of the things that I felt I had learnt was the deep connection that I have with myself; I felt the experience had shown me that I can trust myself, that my connection with myself is so strong that trust in myself should never even be a question. I usually live with quite a high level of anxiety, but that has drastically reduced in the days following, and has been replaced by a deeper sense of calm and self-trust.
I can see that for me, a big part of what could potentially lead to a difficult trip would be being around others. For example, the part where I was sobbing could've been quite concerning for someone else, and it perhaps would've been quite difficult to explain what was going on and doing so would've taken me out of the moment. It didn't feel disturbing or wrong for me to be crying at all, but I could see how that might negatively impact someone else's trip, and then worrying about bringing someone else down would've negatively impacted my own. I am really, really glad I chose a solo trip, so for my first time I was completely free to go where I needed to go and follow my intuition (which at one point did lead me to dancing around in the pitch black in my boyfriend's dressing gown with a scarf tied around my head, haha).
I'd definitely do LSD again in a few months, and at a higher dose. I still have a sense that I don't know what tripping really feels like, because there was a 'separation' between the trip and my normal, conscious reality, and I imagine at a slightly higher dose the two would be more integrated. However, I know I did the right amount for that time to make it safe and give me insight into how it goes and give myself confidence that I am ready to handle what it might bring.
I feel really grateful to have had the experience. It didn't give me the insight I was expecting so much in terms of 'messages', but it was the trip itself that was a message - that there is a simplicity and an 'okayness' in me and my relationship to the world that is the best place to be, and it is only me over complicating and overthinking everything that causes me so much discontent. I feel that insight has landed at a body level, in that I can actually feel the calm that it brings, rather than it just being a 'thought'.
Tips for next time:
- Trip outside in spring/summer
- Take a big jumper with a hood
- Take oranges and water!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
roacode_sublingual
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