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Mental Health Can someone help me define what it is I'm feeling?

mal3volent

mal3volent

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
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Okay, so I've had depression and anxiety pretty much as long as I can remember. They obviously got worse in my teenage years when I started developing my drug use and alcoholism, etc. I'm in my late twenties now and still struggling with everything but there's one particular feeling that has always cut me like a knife. When it happens it takes all the air out of me and I have to sit down and compose myself before I can go on with what I'm doing.

I've always been an extremely nostalgic person. I think about old friends, times I wish I could go back to, animals I had when I was a kid, and so on. I realize this is a common thing and an aspect of depression a lot of people have to deal with.

but the specific sensation I'm talking about is like nostalgia times a thousand crossed with some kind of out of body experience where I feel like I'm literally there. Yesterday I was just doing laundry and it happened. I smelled rain on asphalt before I even realized what was going on. I wasn't wearing a shirt but I felt the weight of my old black hoodie on my body. The one I had on constantly during the height of my crazy drug days. Then I smelled thick, damp and dank smoke.

The smell of the rain and the feeling of the hoodie then produced the actual memory, one where me and a couple of my friends broke into this old rundown factory building. The roof had fallen in on the second level and allowed the vines growing up the side of the building to spread inside. We hung out there and got high several times after we discovered it. But the first time we were up there smoking and it just started pouring the rain out of nowhere. We got soaked but didn't care. It was warm but the rain was cold so I put my hoodie on and just sat there letting it rain on me. My hoodie was thick and I was able to wipe most of the rain off before it soaked all the way in.

but standing shirtless in front of my washer, I swear I felt my skin dampen as the rain soaked through my hoodie. The aroma from the smoke felt caked to the inside of my nostrils. My legs got weak and I started crying. Just balling for no god damn reason. I went and layed down for awhile and eventually I was fine.

Did any of that make any sense whatsoever? Can someone shed some light on what it is that is going on when this happens to me?
 
nuttynutskin said:
Some sort of flashback maybe?
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I don't know. I also don't know what flashbacks are a symptom of.

but this happens pretty often. Maybe not a full on episode like I described, but there will be a smell or a feeling come over me out of no where. And it's as real as anything. If I end up making the connection to the memory I feel like my mind has come out of my body, and for a moment I feel as if I'm literally there. When I come out of it, it's jarring and depressing because I feel like there are pieces of myself spread out. My body is here but my brain never made it back. I feel hollow and detached.
 
Any trauma that may be causing this? I've got severe ptsd and have flashbacks very similar to what you're experiencing.
 
Idk why I didn't think of that... But yeah could be a number of things like ptsd, derealization or depersonalization. Best to see a psychiatrist if what you're describing is affecting your quality of life.
 
bptubbs said:
Any trauma that may be causing this? I've got severe ptsd and have flashbacks very similar to what you're experiencing.
Click to expand...

My brother and I were molested as children, he was 10 and I was 5. What I don't understand is, all of these episodes are focused on what I perceive as happy times in my life. Experiences that have nothing to do with trauma.

I tried therapy but didn't like it very much. It was a lot of me talking with very little feedback or insight into any possible solutions. And as of right now I have no money and no insurance.

I'm just curious how and why this is happening. How can I smell and feel things that aren't there? Why do I feel like my mind is separated from my body and why does that make me feel so sad?
 
I wish I had answers as to how and why, but I have almost the exact same thing happen, it's almost like a mini blackout, and it feels like I'm back to where the memories are from, quite often it's good memories, but not always.
 
It sounds like you experienced depersonalization or derealization which are related to disassociative disorders. Note, it’s just my layperson opinion but I have had both of the foregoing and it’s related to PTSD.

It isn’t DID, which is essentially a newer name for multiple personality disorders, where the self is split into alters due to trauma.

*hugs* if needed
 
Mal, to be honest, it sounds like you are a very sensitive person. I am. My late son was as well. I experience what you are talking about although I never thought to describe it as profound nostalgia. I like that description. I think people that experience life emotionally--and almost synesthetically --will have these types of emotional time travel. Not long after my son died, in the midst of my own breakdown, I dragged myself outside through my side door and was immediately transported by the scent of honeysuckle to my childhood--long before I knew what loss life could actually contain. I have always felt that moment saved me. The two experiences--profound grief/pain and almost transcendental overload of the positive childhood experience of being inside the scent of honeysuckle seemed to be conjoined--as if one could not exist without the other. Perhaps the childhood trauma that you and your brother experienced (and I am truly sorry you suffered that my friend) is linked to these "nostalgic" flashbacks; perhaps we need the time travel to those experiences of complete bliss--when we got to experience being completely held inside a physical moment, rain on sweatshirt, scent of honeysuckle--in order to live with the more terrible experiences we also contain?

This is a fascinating post for me. It is opening the doors to contemplation of something I had never actually put into words.
 
I'm a sufferer of PTSD also and this is almost identical to how it feels when I've had some terrible flashbacks. I would suggest talking to someone if you're able. I ignored mine for years and it led to a very dangerous situation involving me having a psychotic episode, various specialist firearms police units were deployed to my apartment and I was forcibly hospitalised in a psychiatric unit where I had to be kept sedated for several weeks.

strongly recommend talking to a medical professional, if nothing else, for peace of mind.
 
herbavore said:
Mal, to be honest, it sounds like you are a very sensitive person. I am. My late son was as well. I experience what you are talking about although I never thought to describe it as profound nostalgia. I like that description. I think people that experience life emotionally--and almost synesthetically --will have these types of emotional time travel. Not long after my son died, in the midst of my own breakdown, I dragged myself outside through my side door and was immediately transported by the scent of honeysuckle to my childhood--long before I knew what loss life could actually contain. I have always felt that moment saved me. The two experiences--profound grief/pain and almost transcendental overload of the positive childhood experience of being inside the scent of honeysuckle seemed to be conjoined--as if one could not exist without the other. Perhaps the childhood trauma that you and your brother experienced (and I am truly sorry you suffered that my friend) is linked to these "nostalgic" flashbacks; perhaps we need the time travel to those experiences of complete bliss--when we got to experience being completely held inside a physical moment, rain on sweatshirt, scent of honeysuckle--in order to live with the more terrible experiences we also contain?

This is a fascinating post for me. It is opening the doors to contemplation of something I had never actually put into words.
Click to expand...

this makes so much sense to me. :( I've been trying to figure this out for years and you seemed to know what was going on instantly. I've obviously never met you but you have meant a lot to me since I've been here on BL. You are a very special person Herby <3

thank you for sharing the story about the honeysuckle. It breaks my heart but it's beautiful and I relate to it so much.
 
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Damn... that does make alot of sense, Herby you never cease to amaze me.
 
I have times where I don’t even know if I feel anything anymore like I know I feel sadness and anger but things like regret and stuff I don’t know if I feel those emotions anymore I do feel happy sometimes but other then that when my parents get mad at me and start yelling at me I just sit there and I don’t say or do anything but listen to what they say is this a bad thing for me to not know what or if I feel anything
 
^Newbie, that sounds like you have developed a working strategy for enduring the family dysfunction. A working strategy is a plus when used appropriately to get through a temporary situation but becomes problematic when your mind convinces you it is needed all the time. That's what we call "shutting down" and that will impact your life a lot. Try to see everything as temporary and that will really help you. Even the most dysfunctional families can change. Parents need to listen as much as they talk but its hard ( I know because I am one). If your parents are talking at you, would it be possible to ask for a time when they would be willing to listen with no response? You could even put a time on it; say, "I have hard and difficult things to say and I can't say them because I feel your perception stands in the way. Could you let me talk and not respond for a couple of days and then I will let you talk? Maybe we can break this dynamic that is causing us all to suffer."
 
Ever since my sister died when I was 13 I guess I just became like the family rock because after my sister died there were other family members that died too and I would just let my parents cry on me for as long as they needed to and when my sister had died my I cried when my dad first told me then I went numb when he was crying on me and the only thing I was thinking was this is awkward when is my dad going to let me go because I wasn’t used to seeing him cry ever and I haven’t really seen him cry since so I guess that’s another reason why I just shut everything down and don’t respond to anything
 
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