• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery A new me.

ladyhlove

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2017
Messages
509
I have posted some lately but I'm going to make this my official recovery thread. I know that having support is key in the recovery process and, since none of my friends use, I need somewhere and someone to let it out to. Here is goes.

I'm Kate. I'm 31 and, from first glance, I'm your typical girl. I have a good job as a paralegal, I have a cute little house in the city with a big rottweiler, I have a very active social life with an abundance of friends. No one would guess that I am a heroin addict.

While the only thing I really ever abused for much of my 20's has been alcohol, I always had a thing for pain pills. I didn't use them too often, but if they came around I would always get a few and really enjoy the feeling they gave me. I suffer from intense depression, and have since my teenage years, and it sometimes makes it so the simple things in life (like cleaning, keeping up with homework in school, etc) seem very difficult to do. I always loved the feeling opiates gave me and, instead of nodding out and being lazy, I always felt this intense motivation and happiness on pills. I always knew if I found a regular supplier, I would be in trouble. And then I did, and then I was.

I began using pills almost daily. Not all day, but I would pretty much pick up a dose high enough to get me high every night after work. Usually between 40-80mg of oxy depending upon my tolerance at that given time. This lasted about a year and a half. I quit for a few days periodically when I was out of money or couldn't find pills, but never for more than a week. This kept going until the boyfriend I had at the time found out and left me. I went CT after this breakup for about 3 weeks and got myself fairly back to normal. However, I found myself still using on occasion, but not regularly, for a few months.

A few months later I met the love of my life. He was(is) the perfect man for me and we fell head over heels for each other. I found myself so happy in this new relationship that I didnt even want to use pills. I was honest and open with him about everything involving my past use, and he was incredibly supportive of me. Months went by in this relationship and I found myself using occasionally again. The occasional use began to happen more and more frequently and eventually I was back to using pretty much everyday. I didn't tell him about this use for fear he would leave me. However, as to be expected, my escalating pill use did a lot of damage to me financially. I knew I couldn't keep up with the cost of using pills and then one of my dealers gave me a sample of heroin to try. I resisted for a few days but, one morning while broke and out of pills, I chopped up a small line and tried it. It got me so high from the smallest amount, I thought to myself "Oh! I should just start doing this! $100 of this will get me high for days!". Big fucking mistake.

So then I began snorting H. All day, everyday, and have for the past 7 or 8 months now. As one would expect, people started to catch on, namely the boyfriend. He knew something was going on, he just couldn't put his finger on it. He eventually found my stash one night while I was out picking up cigarettes and was very upset, naturally. We had an all night talk where I confessed to him everything about my addiction and how I wanted to stop. He decided to give me another chance and I vowed I would quit. But I didn't. I tried, I really did, but the withdrawals were so incredibly bad. I had WD'd before from pills, but from H this was a whole other monster. I ended up back on the H, albeit using less than before, and was just very careful about making sure he didn't find out. I kept this up for several months until last week. I thought he was napping and I busted out 2 lines on the coffee table. He came out and saw it. I could deny all I wanted, but I was caught. He left me.

It's been about a week since that happened and I've been looking into all sorts of recovery options. I want to quit very badly. I've known deep down that my life was going to fall apart eventually because of this drug use, and him leaving me is the first step in that. I know its only a matter of time before my job catches on and I lose my career I've worked so hard to get and then my home, my friends, my rottweiler...everything. It's time to quit. I have decided on a clinic near my house that does an outpatient program involving suboxone, group therapy, and sessions with a counselor. I think this approach will work for me. Going CT during this breakup will probably kill me and I need to figure out why I continue to keep using despite all the negative repercussions that keep happening. I've been using this past week still but tonight at 9pm is the deadline for me to stop if I want to start this program in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I've been through WD a number of times and I know how it makes me feel. I know its going to be even tougher taking all of this on alone as well, without my boyfriend by my side, but I can't expect him to stick around. He doesn't trust me anymore and I know that. He still loves me dearly and wants to be there for me through this, though. He didn't want to leave me but he knows this needs to be done for me to truly make changes in my life. I know if I end up getting clean and staying clean he'll probably end up giving me another chance..but I need to do this for me. not for him. I know, even if he and I never get back together, I will just continue to ruin every relationship I get into if I keep using drugs.

So that's my story. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of my (hopefully) new life. I'm terrified but, like I previously stated, this needs to happen or my life is going to fall apart completely. I will keep this updated. Thanks for reading BL.
 
Hey NewME,

You are not alone. Wishing you all best. You can do it. I'm sure lots of great BLers more experienced and enlightened than me will be along to provide support, advice and understanding, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing by entering a program. Your story is similar to so many others – for some reason we are just drawn to numbing ourselves with that devilish opiated warmth. I too am trying to get clean from opiates, for me and for my kids, before it all falls apart. Hang in there and keep us updated. KK
 
Good luck to you, Kat.

I hope we can do it. Trust me, you don't want it to fall apart. I'm really hoping this is the kick in the butt I need to finally see this through. Like I said, I knew my life would start to crumble and I'm seeing the beginning stages of it. I just hope after I get clean and stay clean I can start to rebuild the foundation of my past relationship that I destroyed from drug use. I know I may not ever be able to...but I hope I can.
 
Great that you have taken that step. ORT really helped me and have helped a lot of others.
 
Me too. When my wife started talking about separation and stuff, I guess that was a sign of my beginning stages. Like you, I have a respectable career, friends, a seemingly good life. Apart from a couple trusted and true friends, no one knows the extent of my addiction. Those few don't know the whole truth either.

Have you taken suboxone before? I am curious as what type of sub detox/plan your outpatient program has in mind for you.
 
I haven't. This is honestly my first attempt at for-good sobriety. I've CT and used lope before but that was just to get me through till I could find my next fix or money for my next fix.

I'm not really sure the mg of subs I'm going to be starting on, I just know its going to be subutex..NOT suboxone which I'm a little scared about because it will still allow me to use if I choose to. Just have to be strong. Tomorrow is intake, I'm going to be in the clinic for a few hours...there's drug tests and such and I'm sure a lot of waiting around and talking. I'm going to be going to this clinic 6 days a week (and given a take home for when they're closed on Sunday). It's going to be a pain in the ass but fortunately the clinic is right by my home and they open at 6:30am so I can go in and dose in time to go home and get ready to be at work at 9am. In order to stay in this program I'm expected to attend group counseling and meet with a counselor one on one once a week. I'm really actually glad about these requirements because I need to fix more than just my drug use, I need to work on what it is that keeps me going back to these drugs despite the negative repercussions in my life. I wanted to start this program before but couldn't exactly do it while still hiding everything from my SO. I no longer have that excuse.

I wish I could've been brave enough to come clean to my SO before he made the decision to leave. He's told me that he wouldn't have left had I come clean to him...the main issue was the lies not my drug use itself. He loves me deeply and wants me to get better. He's still there for me to talk to, but anything romantic between he and I is off the table until I can get clean, stay clean, and work on myself significantly. And who knows where we'll be by the time all that begins to happen. Right now, we've both admitted we would like to try again but we're being realistic. God, being an adult sucks sometimes. I will say, he is incredibly proud of me for taking the initiative to find a program and begin to work at it. He realizes this whole breakup could've just inspired me to not give a fuck anymore and go on a bender, which has crossed my mind, believe me.

I will know a lot more about this program and what to expect tomorrow morning. I will keep this updated.
 
Oh, also, this is a long term thing. I will be on subs for awhile. They said on the phone that they don't even entertain the idea of tapering down until the person is at least a year into the program. That kind of scares me because I've heard a lot of people say that when it comes to subs, the shorter time on them the better. However, I'm going to have to trust that this place has a lot of experience with treating addiction and that they know whats best. I think their goal is to get your life stabilized first before taking away subs.
 
Well short term sub tapers won't address the underlying issues leading to cause and you have plenty of more time improving your socioeconomic situation if needed as well as getting therapy/counceling how to stay sober after quitting subs.
 
Yeah, and I understand that. I know coming off the subs will be a problem, but so is coming off the H. The goal is for me to get healthy mentally. I'm scared, but still looking forward to the beginning of all of this.
 
I guess also what I'm wondering is: How much should I prepare for this?

I mean, do I need to go out and get some immodium for stomach issues, or will the subs help keep that at bay? Should I make sure to do all my laundry, clean the house and stock up the house with easy food like I was going to CT? Or will I feel relatively normal after my first sub tomorrow?
 
Well I guess I'll try and keep this updated.

Day 7 on the subs, day 5 without H (if you missed that in my other posts, I used some on my first two days of suboxone, bc the wds were still so so bad)

I'm feeling really good today, probably for the first time since I began this process. Almost toooo good, if you know what I mean. I think my body has definitely adjusted to the subs, and almost the point that they're making me kinda high. I like it, but its freaking me out a little. I'm at 16mgs now, but I may have them step it down to 12 over the next couple of weeks. I spent pretty much all of last week in bed (when I wasn't at work, I mean) recovering from the wds I still experienced even getting onto the subs and its put me into a little bit of a mental funk. I'm a pretty extroverted person with a typically busy social life and I'm not used to so much alone time. That, and I'm still dealing with the sadness of a recent breakup and having a tough time with missing my ex boyfriend. We still talk all the time and I have hopes we'll get through all of this shit and back together after I get some true clean time, but I have to keep reminding myself that that might not happen, and its a pretty sad thought process. He's the love of my life and losing him is definitely the worst thing to happen because of my addiction. I'm trying not to be too tough on myself about it, but it's hard not to be sometimes. Anyways, I'm going to try and start getting out and doing more things after work this week to get myself feeling like a real human again.
 
I will add that, despite all of this, I am incredibly proud of myself for making it this far and continuing to stay away from my DOC(s). I've never been this motivated to stay clean in my life. I thought it would get harder day by day, but honestly my willpower seems to just get stronger and stronger. Dope boys still been calling me (they made a lot of money off of me and they're wondering where I am) and I've been sending that shit straight to voicemail. I know the subs are probably what's helping the most, but, for the first time probably ever since I started doing opiates to begin with, I am so dedicated to quitting and staying off of them. I kind of can't believe I got to where I was on them, honestly. I'm just so happy I didn't truly lose it ALL before getting here.
 
You should be proud of yourself! You made it past the poppy field after all and now you are starting a whole new journey with yourself.<3 It can be exhilarating one moment and terrifying the next. After all, you have given up something your brain was convinced it needed. Now every step is new--new strategies, new feelings, new experiences. It takes a lot of courage to live within your whole emotional range but imo it is the essence of life.
 
Alright. Well I'm one week in on the subs (6 days clean of dope!). I'm feeling my usual ole self again. The strange giddy high I got from the subs yesterday did not happen today, which I actually am happy about because it was kinda freaking me out a little bit. I'm physically 100% again, just kind of relearning to live at this point. My main two things I "did" everyday (besides work I mean) were drugs and my boyfriend. Both are gone and life feels empty but I know it won't always be this way. I tried suggesting to the ex that we take a little break from communicating for awhile last night, just so I could move on some, and he got really upset about it. He doesn't want to "lose me", he says over and over, but I'm like..dude you broke up with me. I know in a perfect world he wants me to get a good amount of clean time in and probably try to work things out, but I'm already getting impatient with that. I know all of this will take time, I just want to be happy NOW. But thats what I mean abuot relearning to live..I'm used to instant relief, maybe I need to learn how to work hard for something good for a change.
 
Wow lady!!!!!
You are an inspiration. Even if people don?t let you know it you are.
You are now my inspiration.
You have done what I have been trying so hard to do. Congratulations and I will send prayers that gods will be done for you.
You WILL win this battle.
 
Day 8 on ONLY SUBS (10 days since induction) and I can say with absolute certainty that I am back to the bright side. No body symptoms, mental issues a little at the beginning of the week that have dissipated into a more positive thought pattern. I'm fortunate that I only used for about 2 1/2 years..I'm 32. I spent most of my 20's NOT high on opiates and more or less was happy. I keep remembering a sober me from not that long ago and it makes my new life not feel so strange. I'm incredibly proud of myself. My willpower to stay clean gets stronger and stronger everyday. :)
 
I have posted some lately but I'm going to make this my official recovery thread. I know that having support is key in the recovery process and, since none of my friends use, I need somewhere and someone to let it out to. Here is goes.

I'm Kate. I'm 31 and, from first glance, I'm your typical girl. I have a good job as a paralegal, I have a cute little house in the city with a big rottweiler, I have a very active social life with an abundance of friends. No one would guess that I am a heroin addict.

While the only thing I really ever abused for much of my 20's has been alcohol, I always had a thing for pain pills. I didn't use them too often, but if they came around I would always get a few and really enjoy the feeling they gave me. I suffer from intense depression, and have since my teenage years, and it sometimes makes it so the simple things in life (like cleaning, keeping up with homework in school, etc) seem very difficult to do. I always loved the feeling opiates gave me and, instead of nodding out and being lazy, I always felt this intense motivation and happiness on pills. I always knew if I found a regular supplier, I would be in trouble. And then I did, and then I was.

I began using pills almost daily. Not all day, but I would pretty much pick up a dose high enough to get me high every night after work. Usually between 40-80mg of oxy depending upon my tolerance at that given time. This lasted about a year and a half. I quit for a few days periodically when I was out of money or couldn't find pills, but never for more than a week. This kept going until the boyfriend I had at the time found out and left me. I went CT after this breakup for about 3 weeks and got myself fairly back to normal. However, I found myself still using on occasion, but not regularly, for a few months.

A few months later I met the love of my life. He was(is) the perfect man for me and we fell head over heels for each other. I found myself so happy in this new relationship that I didnt even want to use pills. I was honest and open with him about everything involving my past use, and he was incredibly supportive of me. Months went by in this relationship and I found myself using occasionally again. The occasional use began to happen more and more frequently and eventually I was back to using pretty much everyday. I didn't tell him about this use for fear he would leave me. However, as to be expected, my escalating pill use did a lot of damage to me financially. I knew I couldn't keep up with the cost of using pills and then one of my dealers gave me a sample of heroin to try. I resisted for a few days but, one morning while broke and out of pills, I chopped up a small line and tried it. It got me so high from the smallest amount, I thought to myself "Oh! I should just start doing this! $100 of this will get me high for days!". Big fucking mistake.

So then I began snorting H. All day, everyday, and have for the past 7 or 8 months now. As one would expect, people started to catch on, namely the boyfriend. He knew something was going on, he just couldn't put his finger on it. He eventually found my stash one night while I was out picking up cigarettes and was very upset, naturally. We had an all night talk where I confessed to him everything about my addiction and how I wanted to stop. He decided to give me another chance and I vowed I would quit. But I didn't. I tried, I really did, but the withdrawals were so incredibly bad. I had WD'd before from pills, but from H this was a whole other monster. I ended up back on the H, albeit using less than before, and was just very careful about making sure he didn't find out. I kept this up for several months until last week. I thought he was napping and I busted out 2 lines on the coffee table. He came out and saw it. I could deny all I wanted, but I was caught. He left me.

It's been about a week since that happened and I've been looking into all sorts of recovery options. I want to quit very badly. I've known deep down that my life was going to fall apart eventually because of this drug use, and him leaving me is the first step in that. I know its only a matter of time before my job catches on and I lose my career I've worked so hard to get and then my home, my friends, my rottweiler...everything. It's time to quit. I have decided on a clinic near my house that does an outpatient program involving suboxone, group therapy, and sessions with a counselor. I think this approach will work for me. Going CT during this breakup will probably kill me and I need to figure out why I continue to keep using despite all the negative repercussions that keep happening. I've been using this past week still but tonight at 9pm is the deadline for me to stop if I want to start this program in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I've been through WD a number of times and I know how it makes me feel. I know its going to be even tougher taking all of this on alone as well, without my boyfriend by my side, but I can't expect him to stick around. He doesn't trust me anymore and I know that. He still loves me dearly and wants to be there for me through this, though. He didn't want to leave me but he knows this needs to be done for me to truly make changes in my life. I know if I end up getting clean and staying clean he'll probably end up giving me another chance..but I need to do this for me. not for him. I know, even if he and I never get back together, I will just continue to ruin every relationship I get into if I keep using drugs.

So that's my story. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of my (hopefully) new life. I'm terrified but, like I previously stated, this needs to happen or my life is going to fall apart completely. I will keep this updated. Thanks for reading BL.
...sounds familiar..I have been in the methadone clinic for several years now,I still use. Im just really unhappy and unfufilled. I don't even enjoy it anymore and the methadone also blocks me from feeling the whole effect..just a waste of the little money I have.. anyway I just wanted to reply.. felt like I should..I'm sorry I wasn't a help or hope..

.
 
Day 13 since induction, 11 days totally clean from dope. This weekend was a mixed bag of emotions. I've been avoiding drinking too much during this recovery process (still have one or two here and there) but I ended up getting pretty sauced Friday night. I didn't even mean to..I hadn't eaten dinner and my tolerance for alcohol has dropped significantly in the past couple of weeks. I woke up Saturday with an awful hangover, which always causes me serious depression. I spent most of Saturday in bed, but managed to get out and grab late night dinner with a friend which boosted my spirits a bit (in addition to the one beer that made my hangover much much better). Sunday, I woke up feeling rather low still and was surprised by my ex boyfriend, ya know the one who broke up with me because of my drug use almost 3 weeks ago. He couldn't stand being away from me any longer and drove the 32 miles between us to spend the day in bed with me cuddling, making love, enjoying each other. It was honestly a great day. He's incredibly proud of the progress I'm making and still very in love with me. We ended up going to grab some pizza in the evening and discussed "us" and where this day put us and agreed to not think about dating/relationships for awhile and to revisit "us" when a little more time has passed and I've made further progress in my recovery. As much as I miss him and want to be with him totally again now, I know the only way for us to possibly get to our "happily ever after" is this. It's shitty but I'm trying not to think about it and focus on myself and these big changes I'm making for now. Physically, I'm still feeling normal and well on the subs. I'm feeling back to normal and feel like my goals, visions of the future, life plans are starting to become clear again. When you're on drugs and just worrying about the next high you start losing sight of those things. Life's complicated right now, but it could be worse. Still staying strong and focused. Almost to 2 weeks :D
 
Day 14 since induction, 12 days clean from dope. Today has been tougher than usual. I think yesterday I was still on a bit of a natural high from the amazing day I had with my ex on Sunday but its faded some. I'm having a major issue with cravings today. I feel great physically, but I can't seem to stop thinking about getting dope after work today. I think I'm just bored. I wasn't doing exciting things while I was high, but being high made me ok with being bored. I've lost my 2 main after work activities, drugs and spending time with my significant other, so I'm figuring out things to replace that. I'm starting yoga tonight with some friends and I'm looking forward to that. I'm trying to do something every night after work so the boredom doesn't eat me up and I say "fuck it" and I'm lucky to have a fairly large group of friends, generally someone is always available for dinner or a quick chat over a beer or something. Codependency is a problem for me, and I've always known this. I hate being alone and I like to distract myself with social things so one of the things I'm trying to work on during this recovery is being ok being by myself. I'm doing a lot better with it already, but it can still be hard at times. One day at a time. Still making it!
 
Top