• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery A new me.

hey, Lady H. I've been away from BL for a while and just got up to speed on your thread... you're doing great! I really identify with your story, and I'll be pulling for you as I read your journal.

sending you good vibes ))) )) ) ) ) ) )
 
ladyhlove-
This one's for you:

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Your friend,
Dale
 
Wits up lady??? How u doing? Hopefully great.
Im back working and normal and happy again. Took me forever to get off the shit. Also torture. Haha
going to the keys for a week was the perfect decision.
Ive kicked two serious opana habits down there and never noticed the detox cause I was spearfishing and partying the whole time.
lol
just wanted to stop in say hello and Godspeed.

oh, and yea I’ve talked w the wife about everything. We both have our flaws. I’ve never cheated on her but I’m an addict and have put her through some serious stress and shit.
shes cheated. I never can get over it but I could never imagine being without her. Tough spot huh.
luckily she doesn’t remember anything of it cause of liquor and she doesn’t drink anymore so..... we’ll keep it together. Can’t kill true love.
Let us know how u r doing.
 
Beenbetter-
You wrote:
I never can get over it
You can get over it. If you bring that up over the years during rough times, you will harm your relationship a lot. I had a spouse cheat on me too, but time does heal everything. Let it go to the past (where it happened) and move on to what's happening now. You won't ever forget, but you'll get over it - especially if you really love your wife.
Treat your wife like you are the luckiest person alive to have her in your life. If you do that enough, she will return it just as much back to you.

"When the power of Love overcomes the love of Power, there will be world peace."
Take care,
Dale
 
Everything you say is so true Dale. If you keep this up I'm going to have to switch your name to YODA. ; )

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your friend,
Ash.



Beenbetter-
You wrote:
You can get over it. If you bring that up over the years during rough times, you will harm your relationship a lot. I had a spouse cheat on me too, but time does heal everything. Let it go to the past (where it happened) and move on to what's happening now. You won't ever forget, but you'll get over it - especially if you really love your wife.
Treat your wife like you are the luckiest person alive to have her in your life. If you do that enough, she will return it just as much back to you.

"When the power of Love overcomes the love of Power, there will be world peace."
Take care,
Dale
 
LHL,

I'm so happy you're having a great week and spending time with your man this weekend!!!

I'm sure things will get better on the work front, doesn't sound like they appreciate you as they should anyway, things have a way of turning around.

My fingers are crossed you get that great new job!!

Keep up your awesome quit and great attitude, really happy to see this from you!!

Enjoy your weekend, you deserve to be happy!!!!

your friend,
Ash.





Sorry I missed this yesterday, Ash, I spent the work day running around Atlanta filing various documents at various courthouses and didn't get my computer time. I need to be better about checking this more often.

I'm doing GREAT this week :D Due to the fact that I work for a shady company, I'm always a little fearful of my job security so I casually send my resume at job opportunities that seem interesting via linkedin every other week or so. Well, I found an office manager position at a law firm right by my house and sent them my resume. The owner reached out to me almost immediately to schedule a phone interview for today. It went really well! I have a second, in person, interview tomorrow :) The place is totally what I'm looking for, a small firm with some room for growth, but I just gotta make sure the pay is at least equal to what I'm making here. I don't make anything crazy salary-wise, so hopefully it'll be on par.

I think a new job will be great for my recovery because I still have a lot of triggers here at this current office that I fight daily. I can't even use the stall I used to snort my drugs in anymore. I just can't. Also, I work in a 95% Korean company and, being a non korean female, I face a bit of discrimination from a lot of the other employees (mainly the female ones) for being too "American". Defintiely don't feel like I fit in here and I'd like to have a work environment I enjoy more. Stay tuned, hopefully things will be getting better on that end.

I get to spend this weekend with my love and I'm incredibly excited about that. It's keeping me in a positive state of mind this week :)

I hope everyone else is finding some success in their recovery :) Thanks always for the support guys! I am not a 12 step kinda gal so this is, essentially, my "meeting"
 
Hello Lady,

I just popped in to say I hope you and your man are having the BEST weekend!!! Proud of you, you've come a long way baby!! ; )

Here for you anytime,
your friend,

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Ash.
 
Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in a minute. I'm the worst!

Things have been well! The job interview I spoke about the last time I posted ended up going ok, but I didn't get the job. I'm pretty sure they were going to offer me some ridiculous $10 an hour salary anyways (they had really young, just out of high school aged girls working there...I can't imagine they were getting 40k+ a year salaries) so I'm not too upset about it. I've been kind of furiously applying to jobs lately and I've had a couple more leads. One is an accounting firm and one of the top firms in Atlanta to work for. It's a small firm, but it's a "boutique" firm, meaning they serve very high end clients like CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, famous athletes/celebrities, other sorts of rich people, etc and the owner seemed about as amazing as a boss can be. We had a phone interview and it was very apparent that she cares a lot about her staff. Also, the position is paying almost twice the salary I'm currently making and comes with a whole bunch of benefits (healthcare, 401k, etc) that I've never had offered to me in a position before. The owner flat out told me that I do not have the amount of experience she was looking for but I have an amazing resume and we had such a good phone interview, she offered me an in person interview. I spent the 5 of so days leading up to the interview prepping my ass off...looking up the best answers to common interview questions, researching THE FUCK out of the company and it's history/culture, and doing mock interviews with friends. I think all my hard work paid off though because. after our interview, the owner told me she was incredibly impressed with me. Her only concern is my lack of knowledge in the field but I think I demonstrated to her that I'm a smart gal and a quick learner so hopefully she will decide to take a chance on me. I should hear something by next week, apparently. Honestly, I NEED this job. This job would finally get me out of being low income and allow me to provide for myself so much better than I currently do. I make ok money currently, but its not enough to properly save, especially when little emergencies (like car repairs, traffic tickets) pop up..and they allllways do *eyeroll*

I didn't end up getting to spend that weekend with my fella. His grandmother had a stroke (she lives with him and his family) and he pretty much was the only one around when it happened and he had to take her to the hospital and stay with her till his family came back into town. Luckily, the stroke was very minor and it looks like she'll pull out of it ok. He and I had dinner a few days later, but other than that, we haven't spent much time together in the past month. Fortunately, he plans on coming up to stay with me this upcoming weekend and I couldn't be more thrilled. I've been feeling kind of lonely lately and I could use some good snuggles and love this weekend. Still working on my codependency issues. I thought I had overcome them for the most part, but I've been eaten up with loneliness lately. I've been tempted to try and start dating again to fill that void but then I remind myself how stupid of an idea that is, especially if one of my goals is to fully reconcile with my ex. I'm just impatient and it hasn't happened as fast as I want it to. Patience...something else I'm trying to work on. Ugh, being a healthy adult is fucking work. He often tells me to hang in there, that our situation won't be like this forever, so I'm trying.

Still dope-free though, guys! Not sure how many days exactly now but yesterday was 4 months since beginning recovery. While I've slipped up a time or two in that time, I consider it part of the recovery process as I've tried to learn something from each relapse. Things in my life are really starting to get better and I owe it all to quitting heroin. I'm also down to 8mg of subs a day (I was at 16mg). I thought cutting my dose in half would be really difficult, but it wasn't..like at all. If anything, 8mg makes me feel way better than 16mg did. I think, while I needed 16mg at first, they shouldn't dropped me down to 8mg a lot sooner. From my research, it's not uncommon for someone to need a high dose of subs at first, but be able to easily drop down once their body adjusts to the drug. Subs are funny. I feel like I'm 100% sober and sometimes I forget I'm still on an opiate. Sure doesn't feel like it. One of my friends took a piece (prob 2-3mg worth) of one of my subs the other night to see what it was like and he got super high off of it. This friend obviously doesn't have an opiate tolerance. I kind of wish I hadn't given it to him because now he, and many of my other friends, think I'm getting high like that when I take my subs and that's not the case at all. That's one thing I've kind struggled with in my friend group, actually...judgement about ORT. All of my friends are happy I'm off H but there's a few of them that kind of disapprove of me using suboxone to get clean. They think of it as "replacing one addiction for another", me "still going through life fucked up", and of course there's always the "still a slave to big pharma" statements. It kind of pisses me off because none of them have any idea what being addicted to opiates is like and how hard it is to get clean. They really don't get it...they say things like, "well why don't you just quit?" and "Just don't do it. Just don't call the dealer. I don't get it, it's that simple!". I try to not let it get to me. I try to remind myself that this is my issue, not there's, and they have no say in how I deal with it. They're starting to kind of chill on the judgmental statements, but I'm sure they're still going on behind my back. The other night, while in a conversation with two of my more judge mental friends, I reminded them that one of the criteria for being addicted to something is that it has a negative effect on my life...and, well, my life has been improving since on subs. They agreed with that so hopefully that'll shut em up for awhile ;)

I hope everyone else is doing well in their journeys. After I post this, I'm gonna surf around the other recovery journals and see how everyone's doing. Love yall! Thanks for the continued support <3
 
Hey lady!!!!

You are most definitely NOT the worst, you are the BEST!!!! You are busy living life and maintaining your most awesome quit, like I knew you would!!!!! I am so happy to hear your progress, be kind and patient with yourself, you really have come SO FAR!!!

Too bad you and your man didn't get together this weekend but be patient, I know I know, that's hard,but things will continue to improve for you, you have a great attitude!!!

I really hope you get that new boutique job!!!! And anyone saying anything negative about your quit can stuff it!! You're doing it your way, hell, the right way!!!

Much love, respect and eternal support to you my dear friend,
here for you always,
Ash.
 
Well folks, *sigh*, I fucked up again.

The night of my last update, I was doing some cleaning around my house...and I found it. What is it, might you ask? Well, it's the 2 g bag of dope I lost this past New Years Eve. I had gone to a party with my boyfriend (the now ex), and drank abundantly (as one does on New Years). I had just come back from a work trip to Vegas where I had won 1,000 bucks playing slots so I had a lot of money to throw around and had stocked up, dope wise, for the NYE holiday knowing my bf would be with me for a few days and I wouldn't get a chance to leave and score. I woke up on New Years day morning in my typical moderate wd and went to look for the 2gs I knew I had to have left after the night before (had 3g the night before, and clearly remember my last use and still having about 2g left). It wasn't in it's usual spot. As my bf slept soundly, I quietly tore apart all my usual hiding places...but still couldn't find it. Did I leave it in the bathroom of the party I had been at? Did it fall out of its hiding place (my cigarette pack usually) in the uber on the way home? Did I stash it somewhere when I got home (my ex was notorious for random drug searches, so I often hid my dope pretty well when at home just in case)? I had a vague memory of hiding it somewhere when we got home, but I wasn't sure. I ended up running out and scoring what I needed to feel well that morning without bf waking up, but I continued for the next week or so to tear up my home looking for that 2g bag. I could never find it, my friend who had the NYE party never said anything about finding a "strange bag of drugs" in their bathroom or anything, so I assumed it mustve slipped out in my uber ride and that was that.

I was wrong. I was doing some deep cleaning in my closet Thursday night and found an xmas ornament that had never made it back to its box after I had taken down the xmas tree. After locating the proper box it belonged in, I reached in the box to get the plastic bag the ornament normally sits in whilst in the box when I found it...the 2gs. I stared at it for a few minutes trying to decide what to do. Flush it, I told myself...but that would be like flushing $200 down the drain. I'll sell it, I decided. I still have one friend who uses who would gladly buy this off of me for a slightly discounted price...but then, in my weakness, I decided, ok I'll sell it...but I'm gonna do a little line of it first. Ya know, just for old times sake. STUPID.

Well, I never sold it. I continued using throughout the weekend. I ended up spitting out my sub doses Fri and Sat (and not taking my take-home Sunday dose) and just using. What a fool I am, sometimes. Well, it's Monday morning and I DO NOT plan on making this my life again, so here I am, back at square one again. However, I've learned a few things since last time. First, I made sure to NOT dose my full 8mg this morning. I last used around midnight last night and when I woke up at 7:30am this morning, I didn't feel bad at all. Therefore, I took probably around 0.5-1mg of sub. An hour later, I felt fine. So, I dosed about 0.5 more. Waiting for that to fully kick in, but so far everything seems fine. I seem to get PWD even if I wait 18+ hours, so I'm kind of doing a shotty Bernese induction. I made sure to save a couple of hits of dope just in case I start getting sick from these subs. So far, so good but I'll keep everyone posted.

I'm so mad at myself for this but, like KraziKat said earlier, fall down 7 times stand up 8 times. You'd think I'd be tired of this shit by now.
 
Also, life update. Spent the weekend with the fella. While using, might I add. Luckily, my tolerance is so low from only being on subs that I didn't need to redose H very often so I didn't display my usual sketchy "using" behavior around him (constant trips to the bathroom, just acting sketch in general), so he didn't think anything was amiss. Whilst snuggled up in bed Friday night, he did kind of go into a long speech about how he can't watch me every day, and he hopes I'm still doing the right thing...it made me feel pretty awful but not enough to fess up to my relapse. I know I know...it's just...in these last four months I feel like we've come so far and are so close to being back together and I know admitting I had slipped up again would put us right back at the beginning again. Honestly, it might be the final straw. However, his words are ringing in my head at the moment and giving me the strength I need to get back on these subs and hopefully make this last relapse my VERY LAST. I can't lose him for good. I almost did but my participation in this program has been keeping him from completely abandoning me. I know if he caught me using again that would be it. He would never, ever be able to trust me ever again.

Still waiting to hear back about the job. I was told I wouldn't hear anything till the middle-end of this week anyways, but I'm still crossing my fingers. I think a new job and a new environment might be just what I need to finally and officially ditch these god damned drugs.
 
Well, after my second 0.5-1mg dose, I felt it. Those familiar cold sweats, stomach tightening up...but, alas, this is what I brought dope with me for! Took a small bump. All is well. I only plan on using dope sparingly today and tomorrow as I adjust to the subs again. In the past, this has worked for me so I'm hoping it'll work again. Man, I wish I had known about this method when I first inducted...would've saved me a lot of pain. For those of you reading this that have a hard time switching from a full agonist to a partial, please look up the Bernese Method. I'm not following it exactly, per say, but something like it. I'll dose subs low, and when I start to feel like shit, do a little dope, and then I'll feel normal. A few hours later, I'll dose another little bit of subs, then do some more dope. Tomorrow, I plan on waking up, taking about 2-4mg subs, but keeping a little bit of dope on hand in case I start to feel bad. By day 3, I should be fine to dose just subs and be back to normal again. Luckily, this relapse was only 3 days and my tolerance is nowhere near where it was when I originally inducted, so it should be fairly painless. I'll keep everyone updated
 
I always post post post when I'm relapsing/reinducting and then I'm so sporadic when I'm not. Maybe this is my problem. Maybe I'm not as "all good" as I like to believe I am after adjusting to subs bc there's obviously something pulling me back, even when I'm physically ok. The high I get when I use after only using subs for a few weeks is super intense, like it was when I first started using vs. the just feeling well feeling I get after I've been back on the dope for a bit. I think that's what keeps bringing me back. I get this stupid idea that I can be a "chipper", but I know deep down I have the world's shittiest willpower..I'm an all or nothing kinda girl, with opiates anyways, and I need to remember that.

Only 2 more hours left in the work day and, I've gotta say, this is the best "day 1" i've ever had. I think I'm going about this the right way. I used up the two lines of dope I brought with me today (last one was right before lunch, so I could have a bit of an appetite). I don't feel high at all, like I normally would after 2 decent sized lines of dope, so I know the subs are working, but I didn't go into PWD (THANK JESUS!). I'm gonna pick up the smallest bag possible my dealer will sell me tonight and then try 2 more mg of subs when I'm off work. If this throws me into PWD at least I'll have something to bring me back. I'm gonna try and dose 2mg at once tomorrow (while keeping some backup dope) and hopefully i'll be back on track. Just having the dope makes me feel better psychologically. Addiction is so fucked up.

Some girlfriends of mine are renting a beachhouse down in Jacksonville Beach, Florida this upcoming weekend. My goal is to be well and stabilized and without dope by the time I make the drive after work Friday. Wish me luck.
 
Day 2 trying to get back on subs. Didn't do much dope last night, took another 1-2mg of subs in small increments and felt fine. Woke up feeling fine. Dosed about 2mg subs and didn't feel like shit an hour later. So, its looking pretty good. I may use this as an opportunity to stay on a fairly low dose of subs. Maybe try and stick in the 4mg a day range. We'll see. Not bad for a day 2 on subs after a relapse so far
 
Sup lady!! I like it when I log in and see that your thread is back up top.
wanted to say hey. I’m alive. Just barely tho. Had a rough time when I got back from vacation. I was doing so good even when life tested me BIG TIME with stuff on the home front(dryer broke, kitchen sink collapsed, ac froze up and leaked all into my daughters upstairs ceiling and fan ruining both). Then my older sister was found to have a brain tumor. It scared and hurt the shit out of me, and I’ve sliped back into my old ways. I’m planning on getting back to the “new me,” see what I did there lol, on July 5th if I can handle doing this while working.
I’ve got too much to say To type so hello. Love ya and good luck! Let the love for your man and the fear of him axing you for good be the motivation to stick with your plan of being the new you. Look at me. The guy in the middle of a relapse after literally slaying the dragon, giving advice. Smdh. I was at the point I didn’t take subs except for maybe 1/20th of a mg every three days.(it was psychological. I was just scared,thinking I would be hit with wds when I knew I wouldn't)
Now, I don’t know what will happen. My brain is already hooked again. Body probably is too. Idfk
i just can’t believe I did this shit again. Wtf is wrong with me? FUCK!!!! I even had normal sleeping patterns and depression lifted. I need help, but not the rehab shit. I just can’t be without my family. I get sooo homesick so easy. Plus rehab is just a place to meet new hookups, as I learned in my short, less than 24 hr stay. I’m rambling. I have to get some work done or I’ll have to fire myself. Hahaa!
Good to see you back on here!
 
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Hi beenbetter,

So good to see you posting, I posted replies to your threads a whIle back but I guess you weren't on for a while. No matter about the slip up, what matters is that you get back on it!!! There's nothng wrong with you, you faltered and you're moving on now. No big deal. You can do this!!!!

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

Sup lady!! I like it when I log in and see that your thread is back up top.
wanted to say hey. I’m alive. Just barely tho. Had a rough time when I got back from vacation. I was doing so good even when life tested me BIG TIME with stuff on the home front(dryer broke, kitchen sink collapsed, ac froze up and leaked all into my daughters upstairs ceiling and fan ruining both). Then my older sister was found to have a brain tumor. It scared and hurt the shit out of me, and I’ve sliped back into my old ways. I’m planning on getting back to the “new me,” see what I did there lol, on July 5th if I can handle doing this while working.
I’ve got too much to say To type so hello. Love ya and good luck! Let the love for your man and the fear of him axing you for good be the motivation to stick with your plan of being the new you. Look at me. The guy in the middle of a relapse after literally slaying the dragon, giving advice. Smdh. I was at the point I didn’t take subs except for maybe 1/20th of a mg every three days.(it was psychological. I was just scared,thinking I would be hit with wds when I knew I wouldn't)
Now, I don’t know what will happen. My brain is already hooked again. Body probably is too. Idfk
i just can’t believe I did this shit again. Wtf is wrong with me? FUCK!!!! I even had normal sleeping patterns and depression lifted. I need help, but not the rehab shit. I just can’t be without my family. I get sooo homesick so easy. Plus rehab is just a place to meet new hookups, as I learned in my short, less than 24 hr stay. I’m rambling. I have to get some work done or I’ll have to fire myself. Hahaa!
Good to see you back on here!
 
GOOD GIRL!!

You slipped but you're getting back on track, that's what counts!!! Be kind and patient to yourself, you're doing a lot of great things right now okay?Just a temporary blip on your radar, you WILL overcome this!!

Proud of you for coming back and admitting your slip up, holding yourself accountable, I have a lot of respect for you. You can do this!!

Here for you always,
your friend,
Ash.

Day 2 trying to get back on subs. Didn't do much dope last night, took another 1-2mg of subs in small increments and felt fine. Woke up feeling fine. Dosed about 2mg subs and didn't feel like shit an hour later. So, its looking pretty good. I may use this as an opportunity to stay on a fairly low dose of subs. Maybe try and stick in the 4mg a day range. We'll see. Not bad for a day 2 on subs after a relapse so far
 
Yeah, I wish I could just put down the drugs and do this the hard way this week and make it through the usual 3-5 shit days of sub induction, but alas I have to keep up things at work and with this recent promotion, I've gone from an admin to management level position so my workload and responsibility levels have increased dramatically. My first induction into subs, I was working as the assistant to a friend of mine in the company who, more or less, knew what I was going through at the time (knew I had an opiate problem, didn't tell him it had gotten as bad as heroin). So I could sit at my desk quietly, leave early/come in late, and look like shit without much being said. Not this time. I've already sort of gotten the vibe that there may have been rumors in the past that I may be a drug user (I think they think I used cocaine...not at work, but at night after work which led to me not sleeping which led to my occasional work nod outs)..but those rumors seem to have kind of dissipated along with my recovery. I know if I come in looking like I'm in the middle of drug wd, it'll be noticed and things may not go so well for me here. I've been using very minimally, however..just enough to keep me functioning like a regular human being while I adjust to the subs. I'm on about 2mg today, gonna do maybe 1mg more when I get off work and maybe just a bit more dope to help me eat/sleep ok tonight. I haven't decided whether I'm going to try to do tomorrow dope free yet, or make it my last day using. Part of me thinks, hey you should use..it's a holiday and you're going to be with friends and it'll make you enjoy the day and your time more..but I know the dangers the Bernese induction method can create...a lot of people have a hard time dropping their doc and end up just using subs and their doc and I don't have the kind of money to do that sort of thing. If I do use tomorrow, I'm going to try to barely use at all and make it my last day till I'm full on subs. I know the first day dope free will be hard, but I think it'll be a bit easier since I've kind of let my body build up its levels before jumping completely off a full agonist. At least, in my experiences in the past, it always made it much easier.

Y'all, after getting post-acute withdrawal last time I went on a minor 9 day relapse and got back on subs, I will NEVER, and i mean NEVER EVER experience that shit again. You bet your ass I've looked up all sorts of ways to avoid it, and luckily I've found a way that works for me. beenbetter, I remember you telling me that you had PTSD from subs, I think I finally understand after going through PWD. Though, just having a full agonist on me when I dose my subs after a long break helps so much with that...knowing that I have some relief if I really need it. Like I said above, addiction is weird. I wish I could just tough out 24-36 hours and take the sub properly, but I can never work it out that way. Thank god I've found it isn't the only way.

Thanks for the support, Ash. I feel real shitty for still ending up here. Like, I stopped this problem (using heroin) right before shit got bad, and I'm afraid it'll get bad...even if I'm just relapsing for a couple days. All it would take would be one cop to pull me over and search me...one car accident where intoxication is suspected...one day for my stash to fall out of its place and onto the floor around my desk at work and be seen by a supervisor....and my life could be headed downhill so much faster. I'm trying to remember this...sometimes I get too comfortable with the: OH I'M AN ADDICT, IT'S OK IF I RELAPSE IT'S PART OF MY RECOVERY idea. Just bc it's something that CAN happen during recovery, doesn't mean it should happen and the fact that its happening still shows I still have a long ways to go.
 
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