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Recovery A new me.

Hope everyone had a nice 4th! I spent the day at the pool with friends concluded by some fireworks downtown. Had a bit too much to drink, nursing a small hangover headache at my desk at work at the moment.

Wed night, I picked up a small bag of H and dosed 2mg after work followed by a couple lines. Yesterday, I woke up feeling good. Took 2mg subs, felt fine..took 1 more...started feeling kinda crummy so I used some of the H i had left over from Wed. Dosed another 2mg in the evening ans felt fine, so I didn't dose any more dope. Woke up today, took 4mg and felt fine..I still have a little bit of h left if I need it, but it's looking like I probably won't. Definitely don't feel 100% but I think that's because of the many beers I drank yesterday. But, it seems i'm back on the subs and back to normal. Fortunately, it was pretty painless this time. Just gotta start slow and build up with subs. In the past, I've just gone for the big dose when I've gotten back on (8mg or more) and regretted it immensely. Subs are such complicated little drugs...I've learned so much about them since starting this journey.
 
Sigh, why do I even update this? Anyone reading?

Well, in case you are...I'm still on the sub struggle bus at the moment. I haven't been as good about the transition from dope to subs this time around as I have been in the past. While I'm trying to cut out the dope, I've yet to have a full day dope free. Today. I dosed 4mg subs and nothing else and am feeling good at the moment so hopefully I won't need to dose any dope today and today can be my official DAY 1.

I ended up not going to the beach with my friends due to some financial constraints due to a new car I just purchased (registered the tag and it cost me like 500 dollars!). I ended up spending the weekend with my ex again. It was nice, but I think he suspects I may be using again. He has no proof, but he told me that he still doesn't trust me. Which sucks, but it is what it is. Trying to get fully back on subs before I'm outed for my relapse.
 
Hi lady,

Hurry and stop the drugs and get stable on the subs, if he's a good man, which it sounds like he is, he's not going to put up with any more lies. Sorry, but you kwim, right? I'm here rooting for you always, I just think it would be easier if you still had your man in your corner. ; ) YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

HUGS,
Ash.



ladyhlove said:
Trying to get fully back on subs before I'm outed for my relapse.
Click to expand...
 
He LadyH, let me say I read your story and thread all the time...i find strength in your strength (if that makes sense) and we are in similar boats! I also want to say that you did it before and u can do it again!! I am really struggling with the transition myself... i was trying the burnese method but eventually dropped the subs instead of the dope (oops!) so it didnt work very well for me...at any rate im on my "day 2" AGAIN but I believe in you and am sending prayers your way!!
 
Hey guys! Well I'm back on the subs only and feeling pretty good (as good as one can on subs, anyways, haha)

Thanks again for the support, everyone. I hate letting myself and others down, but I'm trying to pick myself up when I fall and there's no sense in lying to a bunch of strangers online about it.

I've been doing well..have my 32nd birthday coming up this weekend and a bunch of my friends (s.o. included) are taking me camping. Didn't get the dream job, but I got another promotion and a raise at my current job, so things are looking up.

Hope everyone is having a good week!
 
Good for you love!!!

I always say, good or bad, I still want to hear from you. ; ) Very proud of you and happy that you are solely on the subs!!!

I'm glad you got a raise, that's really great!! Have fun camping!! I'm a city girl so I'm more of a glamper myself...lol.

And Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!!! If I don't talk to you before your lovely special day!! I hope you have the best day, you deserve it!!

Hugs,
here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
Z

ladyhlove said:
Hey guys! Well I'm back on the subs only and feeling pretty good (as good as one can on subs, anyways, haha)

Thanks again for the support, everyone. I hate letting myself and others down, but I'm trying to pick myself up when I fall and there's no sense in lying to a bunch of strangers online about it.

I've been doing well..have my 32nd birthday coming up this weekend and a bunch of my friends (s.o. included) are taking me camping. Didn't get the dream job, but I got another promotion and a raise at my current job, so things are looking up.

Hope everyone is having a good week!
Click to expand...
 
I have found with my 7 years on subs, bad things happen when I drink alcohol. It is a given, for me that when the alcohol kicks in, I start looking for a dealer. So dangerous, I stopped drinking. I have been told by every doctor I have seen not to drink alcohol when taking subs. They are a terrible mix. I am dreading coming off the subs. But my gosh I have been on them for 7 years already. I remember when I first started subs hearing of people who were on them for 5 years and thought to myself, that's crazy. But look I am already 2 years past that. I know for a fact that I am in a way better place because of the subs there is no doubt about that. I would probably be dead like my son's father and he would be an orphan and I think of that everyday of my life and I am scared to death of the day I will stop taking the subs. I can see myself at 75 going to the sub doctor.
 
Thank you for this thread lady h. It's been a great source of comfort for me as I stumble through my own new sub journey. So yes, even when you think you're just posting to yourself (I often feel the same way lol) - others are reading.

^^welob1977- Thanks for the information regarding alcohol and subs. So true!!! My husband drinks "when there's nothing else" and his drug seeking behavior is worse than usual. And it's really fucking up my attempt at sobriety. I really want this. He's making this so stressful.

His drinking is causing alot of fights. Besides the drug seeking (and finding) he's an asshole when he drinks.

I was never told by the Dr about mixing alcohol. Only benzos. So thanks for sharing that with me.

Knowing that I cannot control the actions of another human being- I'm trying to establish a network of sober friends that I can reach out to during his shenanigans.
 
Hey guys. So I have a couple of major updates. Some good and some bad.

I'll start with the bad, or kinda bad anyways. I relapsed again on my birthday. The addict in me decided I wanted to be high and I deserved it bc, ya know, it was my bday so I ended up using all last weekend. Luckily, the ex (well not so much...but, I'll get to that part next...) and friends didn't notice, but I felt like shit Sunday night once we got back from north GA and I was alone to actually let the fact that I relapsed...yet a-fucking-gain. As a result of some of these more frequent relapses, I've been failing my UA's for the clinic I get my subs from. The clinic is a methadone clinic that also does subs and requires me to do UA's and see a counselor once a week, for those of you who don't remember or don't feel like going back and reading all my previous posts. My counselor is concerned that my relapses are becoming more and more frequent. Honestly, the subs do absolutely nothing for me in terms of cravings. I crave so bad and the longer I stay on the subs, the worse it becomes. We've tried upping my dose, dropping it, etc but nothing seems to be helping and I'm finding myself sliding further and further into my old ways. Because of my failed UAs and me missing some clinic days to avoid having to see my counselor to address my dirty tests, they were about to kick me out of the program. They didn't, however, but that's because they offered me this option: go on methadone.

I know I know, I know how hard it is to come off of 'done and I'm aware of the hell on earth that the wds from it can bring. However, both the dr at the clinic and my counselor think it might be what's best for me and to not be afraid, that sub withdrawal isn't a whole lot better. They promised me they were gonna take me down and off of it as quickly as possible (they noted that getting off of it is a lot easier if you're only on it for 2 years of less, that more than that is where things become more difficult...I've had this confirmed by the other 'done patients there). As much as I wanted to avoid getting on it, it's now become pretty clear to me that it may be best for me. I keep relapsing on subs and I've figured out ways to still get high while still on it, making it so I use subs to stay well and then get high towards the end of the day. I understand that subs are not a magical cure all, that they're a tool, but I'm not finding success with them and I WANT to stop, believe me, but its like the cravings take over my thought process...they tell me that its ok to relapse "just this time", i know if I don't make some major changes I'm GOING to get arrested for this shit or slip up either at work or with the bf and my life is going to continue to spiral out of control. So, I started methadone yesterday, guys. I know a lot of people have hang ups about it, but it's what I've decided to do. They started me low, 30mg which equates to about 2mg of subs. Needless to say, I feel kinda shitty but I can already tell I'm going to feel much better soon and it's only day 2. They can bring me up 5mg every 2 days. I'm gonna try to keep it as low as I can get to without having wd symptoms or massive cravings. I already go to the clinic every day for my subs, so its not like much is going to change for me (minus the fact that now I have to drink a nasty liquid vs have a nasty pill under my tongue for 30+ min). I understand that people have their issues with methadone, but this is what they think will work best for me, so if you don't have anything supportive to say, please can it. ;) Thanks :D Haha

Good news: the bf and I are pretty much completely back together at this point. He came camping with my friends and I this past weekend and he asked me if we could officially start rebuilding our relationship again. That we already had been, but he just wanted to make it "official". I'm so incredibly happy! I got the love of my life back! This is another reason I'm deciding to go on methadone, I can't keep relapsing..I WILL lose him again if he catches me using or having drugs on me and I know that, the next time, there will be no chance of ever making it work. I almost lost him already, I will NOT lose him again.

Other than those 2 major things, everything is going well...work, social life, etc. The birthday camping trip was a blast and I felt very loved by having my BOYFRIEND :) and 11 of my closest friends there. We did, however, have a black bear guest that wasn't invited who kept showing up whenever someone started cooking which made everyone on edge, however, once he snatched a loaf of bread he took off and we didn't see him again. Still got everyone to be very cautious the whole time, especially at night, though.

In response to yall's most recent replies regarding alcohol, I'm a little different. See, using opiates curbs my drinking big time. Before I became an opiate addict, I would binge drink often, and I'm NOT a "good" drunk...I get very sloppy, obnoxious, and always had a horrible hangover the next day. Actually, one of the reasons I began taking opiates was because I could take them, go out and drink 1 or 2 like a "normal person" while still feeling good, go home and wake up then next day feeling fine. Obviously this was before my body became physically dependent on opiates and then the next day was far from fine. Nowadays, I find that. while on subs, I have the binge drinking urges that the opes had suppressed (I don't act on them, but they're there). Luckily, I get hangovers so bad that I won't let myself drink like that too often, but the urge is much stronger without being on full fledged opes. When I am drunk, however, I don't find my urge to use my doc any stronger than when I'm not drunk. Idk, that's just me though. And yes, mixing subs and alcohol is not recommended, however, mixing alcohol with ANY opiate is not recommended. It's not something I worry about too much (the problem is that people can stop breathing in their sleep if they mix the two) but my clinic does get onto me about testing poz for alcohol (they do a test that can locate metabolites from breaking down alcohol from use from up to 3 days). They get concerned about alcohol and benzos showing up in my UA and even have threatened to kick me out if I test for alcohol a bunch more times. Lately, I've just been abstaining from ANY booze, even my "responsible" ONE glass of red wine with dinner, if I'm even close to maybe having to take a UA in the upcoming days. Not worth it to me.

Alright, sorry for the novel. That's the latest with the Kate (that's my name, btw). I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone with my medicine switch, but I gotta do what's best for myself. I will keep everyone updated with my progress. Love yall! <3
 
You sound like you made a good choice . Subs aren't for everyone. Watch out for the clinic upping you too fast . You'll be puking and nodding. Watch for sweating . I was in it for 18 years. If you want to message about truthful answers then hit me up .I'll answer happily
 
No shame in that Kate! Whatever it takes!! Im going on done this tues myself but whatever works- works! Im just glad everything is ok. Please keep us updated on your done experience- great to see u posting again!!
 
Thanks guys! I was almost not going to tell anyone because I felt ashamed, mainly due to the stigma surrounding methadone, but I figured there was no sense in lying..and its nice to see some support. I really wanted to make the subs work but they were just not curbing cravings and my relapses were becoming more and more frequent and longer and longer each time. I knew it was only a matter of time before I was back "in". Methadone makes it harder for me to skip doses at the clinic (they watch me take the subs, but its easy to take them out of my mouth in my car when I leave) and keeps me honest. I'm not sharing this with my personal friends because many of them feel like methadone is just like legal heroin, but it's not their business anyways. I have told my ex but told him it was because suboxone was making me feel bad when I took it (I know I know, I need to be more honest with him but I know he'll leave me again if I tell him I've been relapsing without telling him). Now that he's back, I knew this is what I really needed to do or else I'm going to slip and lose him forever and ever.

<3 yall thanks for the continued love and support. Good luck JDGRAMZ and let me know how your 'done induction goes! Do you know where they're gonna start you? They started me at 30mg yesterday and I can go up by 5mg every other day till I get to a good spot. Since 80mg is, according to my clinic, the average dosage for most patients, it seems like its gonna take me awhile to get there..but it'll be worth it. Dale, if you're reading this...let me know because I know you have methadone experience. I know it's a bitch to get off of, but my clinic assured me they would take me down incredibly slow and it wouldn't be that bad so I'm gonna trust them. Ugh, I hope this works out.
 
You sound very similar to me . I didn't tell anyone I was on it exept my parents and wife . How far is your clinic ? Mine was an 1hr drive one way . I had to keep clean or I'd go broke and wear out my vehicle. I worked up to a 3 week take home . It was nice exept for the call backs , which I didn't have a cell phone then (2003) . They made us get one to reach us anytime. If you didn't answer or call back then I'd lose my take home privilege. You gonna like the methadone better I believe.
 
Hello my darling and good for you!!

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, ever. You live your life and do what works for you!!!!

So happy to hear this lovely update and yay that you and your most awesome man are official again!!!!

Much support and love to you gorgeous!!!

Your friend and here for you always,
Ash.
 
Lady h-

Whatever works for you. There's no right way to do this. I was on methadone before - both in a clinical setting and a pain management setting.

It didn't help w my cravings. But, as with everything, different things work for different people . I wish you the best and hope you find relief from cravings. They suck.

It sounds like things are going great!
 
How are you feeling today ladyH ? I hope the transfer is going smooth . I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this , but your gonna need a laxative (tmi). You may not, but most will during induction phase . I used a stool softener and a couple times I needed senokot. Just throwing that out there for you . I'm here to help if you have any questions. You sound like a good candidate for methadone.
 
^^oh yeah. A laxative is definitely in order. I took senocot daily.

For some reason Colace (stool softener)gives me horrible stomach pains. Like it turns everything to sludge in my intestines(I know gross and tmi lol) but nothing came out.

Yes. Welcome to chronic constipation. I really did have to take senekot daily and sometimes a laxative.

At least you don't have to stress about precipitated withdrawal w methadone. Hope it goes well for you!
 
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