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Recovery A new me.

You wrote:
Actually a good guy...Golly, wtf is wrong with people. He knows my struggle
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Anyone that does that is not what I'd call "a good guy." More like a selfish guy that took advantage of someone to get out of paying back the loan. It's a good thing to see the good in everyone as you do, but try to be aware of those whose goals don't match with your best interests.

Congratulations on your promotion at work. It's great that you recognize that job will ask more of you. Going cold turkey and that kind of job are a bad mix. I hope that you can get on a slow steady taper. I bet you know that is likely the only good plan when you're facing life pressures like yours.

I wish you a lot of peace and even more strength,

Dale
 
^^^^^
your right.
i spent all day yesterday turning over my bites to the man.
it was sposed to be closing a door for me.
then of course today, two people I haven’t seen in years HMU
its like I will never get out of this shit of life.
im close to giving up
 
its like I will never get out of this shit of life.
im close to giving up
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Start brand new tomorrow. Promise yourself you'll try hard to get in a better situation. And I recommend you start some kind of diary where you write about the life you wish you had, then work on getting there a little at a time.

You have more strength in you that you realize. Believe that you can have the life you want because you can. Drug addiction is tough, but it is all coming from inside your head. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but the dragon pulling you back into drugs is something you can overcome - I promise you that you can. If you need help, please get it.

Can I also suggest that you start a post for yourself. You may get more responses and helpful ideas that way. If you are good with that, here's the link back to the main sober living area: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
Once there, scroll to the bottom of the page, and on the right side, click on the "New Post" button.
Peace,
Dale
 
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Ladyhlove is a living example how people can success and give hope to others. Keep up the good work.
 
I agree with Mr Root
Also I wanna point out that success has a relative definition. Everyone's goals are different but yes we can ALL succeed at living without dependency on substances.
 
LadyH failure is part of success...actually i think of you and beenbetter ...i went on a 3 week run got my tolerance way up there and today is day 1 for me. I am trying to wait until thursday to induct as i need suboxone to work the way it used too (if it doesnt i wont be able to keep my 2 jobs). But you have really inspired me and i continue to check these threads to see how everyone is doing. Hope your well!
 
Hi Beenbetter,

This is nothing more than a temporary blip on your radar my friend. You faltered, okay big deal, we all do. No shame in that, but you must keep going and trying. You have a lot going for you. NEVER give up, we are all here for you, come here and post and we will be here to support you!!!

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ashley.

Beenbetter said:
^^^^^
your right.
i spent all day yesterday turning over my bites to the man.
it was sposed to be closing a door for me.
then of course today, two people I haven’t seen in years HMU
its like I will never get out of this shit of life.
im close to giving up
Click to expand...
 
Hey guys. Glad my post could inspire some of you (and warm your heart toothpaste ;))

I actually wrote this long, inspiring post last weekend on my phone on this post while sitting and waiting for a friend in the grocery store last Saturday, then when I went to hit POST, it deleted everything :p. So I gave up and said, fuck it I'll reply next time I'm at work (I never get on my laptop at home), but I've been so completely swamped with work lately. That, along with a new boss who likes to be nosy about what I'm doing on my work computer, have kept me away this past week but I'm back and I have great news: I'm back on, and totes stable on the subs again!!

Yayyyy hoorayyyyy!! Thank GOD! I was about one more shitty day away from telling my clinic, FUCK IT PUT ME ON METHADONE. My therapist at the clinic has suggested switching me, especially after I told him that I relapsed (I tested poz on my drug screen, no hiding it). Subs help me feel "normal", but don't seem to help with the cravings to get high much. Most days, its no big deal, but there's other days when I just want to get off work and sit on my front porch with that nice warm nod. I've been keeping myself busy after work doing stuff with friends, Monday night yoga, Tuesday night trivia at a local bar..things like that, but the cravings are still there, especially on nights when I come home with nothing to really do. I know this will pass, and the longer I keep away, the less and less cravings will fill my head. It's just tough right now. Being single and having no family close by, I have no one to really answer to or keep tabs one me and the thought of "oh, I could just get high tonight and no one would know" often pops in my head. I have the ex and lots of friends, but its easy to hide use from them, especially use thats only sporadic. I'm working on self control currently.

Things with the ex are basically the same. We just passed 3 months since the big breakup and my decision to enter into recovery and I feel like he and I are exactly where we were back in February. Still love each other, still talk all the time, but still not "together". Neither he, nor I, are seeing anyone at all (I completely ended things with the guy I went on a couple dates with back in March) and we still act like we're together when we see each other (which is usually once every 2 weeks or so). I kinda just let it be for awhile, and didn't think much about it, but its starting to creep into my thoughts more and more. I'm scared one day he's just gonna decide I'm not worth it anymore..that he's going to meet someone new, someone who doesn't have addiction problems, and decide he'd rather be with them instead of me. Honestly, he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who would do that (and he swears to me he wouldn't do it, also), but I've had my heart broken by others in the past and they did things I never thought possible for them, so I'm scared. I know I know, he could break my heart if we're "together" as well..I just feel like something like that would be detrimental to me in a time when I'm so all over the place emotionally anyways. I'm worried I'll completely give up recovery if that were to happen, and I don't want to because this should be about me and not about him. Trying to work on being stronger, lol...however I can. Logically, I know me relapsing after him breaking my heart would only hurt me, but I'm not always the most logical.

beenbetter, how are things going for you this week?

One thing thats been helping me in the past few days has been getting outside and getting some sun. I went hiking with friends saturday and spent both sunday and yesterday afternoon after work by the pool. Some sun does wonders for the mood!
 
Good Morning,
Your wrote:
I'm scared one day he's just gonna decide I'm not worth it
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I'd like to share some good advice about the relationship issues. Remember back when you and your partner first met? Remember how much you went out of your way to do little things for them; like sweet messages, gifts and talk of love? Remember your partner returning those same kindnesses and feelings of love back to you? If you love that person and don't want to loose them, then try to get all of that back. You'll have to start first by doing those same things again, and you will likely need to stick with it before your partner responds, but they will respond if love is still there. Start doing the same things you two used to do. Invite him to lunch or something else you both really enjoyed. I believe this is something a lot of relationships kind of slip out of, but these things are the building blocks that made your relationship so special. When they say relationships take work - I believe this is what they mean. I hope this gives you some good ideas.

I'm glad you're trying to get free of drugs or get stable on subs. It takes a lot of willpower, a whole lot of inner strength, but when you really truly want to make a change in your life, you can do it. Those cravings will go away if you stay away from the drugs. It means forming a new mental "habit" of not thinking about drugs. It takes time to get things our of our heads. Remember how much you've suffered for using when those thoughts creep back in. Take it day by day. How about getting a calendar on your wall and mark a big red "X" each day you make it without "slipping." I believe you can beat this and find your way back to a life you love. Today you get to start all over if you want to. Don't let the past get in the way of your future.

You write so well in your posts; what do you think about writing yourself a letter? Write about the struggle things have been for you and what you could do to make your life and your relationship better. Write about what it would be like to be clean of drugs. Think about a time when you go anywhere without having to think about making sure you have a supply, and to not suddenly feel those withdrawals creeping in while you're in the middle of a dinner with friends or family. Write about love and how much your partner means to you. Write about the things in you that are good: your kindness and ability to show love and compassion to others. I'd save that letter if I were you, and I'd read it every time you feel weak inside.

I wish you the best,
Dale
 
Thanks for the advice, Dale!

As far as our relationship goes, honestly he and I are still very in love. When we're together, it's beautiful and very much like those first few weeks/months together. Just the way we look at each other is intense. He and I definitely fell into a rut that has dissipated with our "breakup". We only see each other about once every other week or so, but when we do, it's truly magical. i know he wants to be with me too, but he needs me to put in more time. He's so worried we'll get back together and I'll have a massive relapse. Honestly, he's right to be worried seeing as I had a nasty relapse just a couple of weeks ago.

Good idea with the writing. After a successful dope free run, I start to forget about the negatives of use and really miss the positives. I need to remind myself how much the negatives outweigh the positives. I'm glad you reminded me today, I was getting some cravings settling in.
 
Hi again LadyHLove (I giggle when I see your name cuz I used to score H from someone who went by the name Lady D.) I just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm still following you, and while it may not seem like much, I am actually officially off boy 3 days today!! Since the last time I posted I got in some serious trouble (caught a Dui and Schedule 1 possession charge in Lilburn/Gwinnett Co and spend 26 hours dope sick in Gwinnett Co Hilton/Jail... Don't know why they call it a Hilton, it's a shit hole.)

But anyways, I digress, and I have to admit I keep coming back to your thread /journal to see how you are doing. My boyfriend (who I fell into all this with got on subs a month ago and I would half hearted try but fail after a day or so every time.) The fact that I am facing a felony drug charge and have to be driven to work (car seized for some unknown reason) I realized that enough was enough and I finally jumped on the sub train! I haven't missed any work this week and even went to my arraignment yesterday for my 1st charge ever-shoplifting- back in April.) why does it seem like doing the normal things that people do every day takes so much more effort for the rest of us??? But any way, I'm here with you and I'm further from H than I have been in 3+ years. Keep posting PLEASE because I can guarantee you at least 1 person really needs to know how you are doing, good or bad, because im right down the road cheering you on!
 
I keep checking, but no one replies. I start writing sometimes and go...eh no one's fucking reading anyways. THANK YOU!!

You live in Gwinnett? I work in Duluth and grew up in Lawrenceville. I've sat in that same "Hilton" many a time. I honestly think the reason inmates prefer Gwinnett so much is that they let you smoke (in population). Plus, it is a shit hole but not nearly the shit hole that, say, Rice Street or a bumblefuck county like Coweta (where I spent 3 lovely days this past October due to a FTA from a traffic ticket I didn't pay bc I spent the money on dope) is.

I'm still doing well and stable on subs since my last slip up. Some days are great and I'm like "I GOT THIS", other days are hard. The subs do a great job at keeping the wds at bay but they're not doing much for cravings. I feel normal but some days I want to feel better than normal, and pot and the one or two beers I allow myself to have sometimes cut it..but sometimes not. Generally these bad days happen when I have nothing to do...weekends when I have no plans, work days when I know I don't have shit to do once 5 oclock hits, even times when I do have something to do but its something thats kinda boring (like going to visit my dad out in Monroe) and I wish I were high instead, My friend gave me a keychain he received from another friend of ours when he was going through a rough time that say "courage". He decided I needed it more than him now and he passed it along. It helps, I don't know why, but it does. Just that physical reminder to be strong goes a long way. I still suffer from the "just one more time" thoughts...and have alllmost given into them. In fact, just giving into the thought mentally makes me feel so much better, physically and psychologically, that it freaks me out. Usually, at that time I realize how much my brain affects me and I move on. It's a dangerous thought pattern, though,
 
You nailed it on the head about the withdrawals and cravings!! A lot of people tell me to try methadone, but with a smallish child, an ex that lives 2 hours away that I share custody with, a SO and his son (both SO and our kids both depend on me as the primary caretaker/source of income) there is no way in hell I could find time to go to a clinic every day. Shit I don't even have a car right now or any outside help!

It's SO FUCKING Hard to deal with cravings and getting through work or household chores or even spending time with my son that I start panicking and thinking that I'm falling apart, I'm slipping, I don't really have the skills/brut force to be everything I have to be without a little help. And I keep telling myself that's the drugs! You've done this for sooooo long you are doubting yourself.

My history with opiates goes back to when I was 20 and started on Tabs. And I stayed there taking only 10-40 mg/day for 9 years. But then divorce /getting cut off caused me to find Roxy 30s (blues) and within a year and a half it was H... Almost 3 years later and I'm broke, in debt, and facing felony charges and generally miserable. I may have a history with opiates but considering where I've ended up, there is no denying that my "crutch" did more harm than good. The day to day life sober seems so much harder but the years of opiate abuse don't leave me with any fond memories of being high, just regret and remorse over bad decisions and my own weakness to change before it was too late.
 
I sent you a friend request and a message BTW but not too sure how that works as a blue lighter
 
Hey lady. I have kept up with the site but I lost my phone and it took me forever to get a new one and remember my password. I’m an idiot. Anyways, I’m glad to hear you’re doing well again on the subs. I’ve stayed away from opiates and on very little subs every other day or so. However, my drinking and depression became out of control for a while and I woke up in rehab. No shit!!! I checked myself out next morning. I knew what I needed to do. Stay away from liquor. I just turn crazy. Instead of rehab, I went and stayed in the keys for a week and fished and spearfished every day. I’m sitting in atl at the airport on a layover waiting to get home and thought about u.
You WILL win this. Keep your path. Fuck dope!!! Shit ruined my brain for so long. I’m starting to feel normal again.
i pray for you often and I’m being honest about that. I hope everything works out the way you would like it to with your ex. If it doesn’t maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I’m still worried my wife doesn’t love me the way she used to because of the shit I’ve put her through but I’m doing everything I can to gain her trust back.
 
SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU BEENBETTER! And I'm so glad you are doing well. I think you made a great decision going down to the Keys and getting your head straight. I think a good couple of days of reset is all anyone needs (in the beginning), and the key is being away from the drugs completely during this time whether it be rehab, vacation, whatever. Rehab would've cost you an arm and a leg too, probably much less than your trip to the Keys cost. It sounds like it did you a world of good. Depression is something I deal with as well. I had a hard week last week, depression wise, myself. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my ex is also in a crummy place in life as well which has affected me some. He's a chemist and had a great career going until he got laid off last October and hasn't been working since. He moved home with his family (who are terrible people who I've never gotten along with) and its made his life hell. When we broke up, we vowed to both work on the problems in our relationship, me getting clean and him finding work/independence again and last Thursday I just finally got frustrated with him. I felt like I've done all this work over the past 3 1/2 months, getting clean and going to therapy..working on my co dependency issues and learning to be ok alone, while he hasn't done shit. He literally plays World of Warcraft all day for 12+ hours at a time, I told him he's become a living breathing stereotype. I told him I was reaching a point where I didn't know if I should continue to hold on to "us" or start to think about truly moving on because I didn't see anything getting any better. He agreed, he too is frustrated not working and living at home, but he also said something to me that he hasn't said in these almost 4 months we've been apart...he told me he's holding on to "us" still, he didn't want either of us to move on, and he wants us to get back together..and sooner than later. It brought tears to my eyes. I had a feeling he hadn't given up on us, but hearing him say it was a true relief. And..miraculously...the day later...he got a job offer! He had done a few interviews recently, thinking none had worked out since he hadn't heard anything, and then he got an offer letter! The job is perfect for him and paying more than he's ever been paid before. Today. he officially accepted it :) So..things are really looking up for us. We're planning on seeing each other in the next couple of days and I absolutely cannot wait! Thank you so much for your prayers, beenbetter, I'm not religious at all so I'm glad someone's telling God about me ;)

This may sound weird, because its a celebrity and someone I've never met, but Anthony Bourdain's suicide last week really stuck with me. I spent a good portion of Friday with a dark cloud over me. I've been a huge fan of his for most of my adult life and felt very connected to him as he, too, is an addict (former heroin user) and dealt with depression quite openly. I had always thought of him as someone who "made it out" of the crummy depressed, drug addict lifestyle and who was happy and successful. Having him kill himself really hit me hard. You hear all of these former addicts say how happy they are without drugs and whatnot, but his suicide made me think "well shit, was he really happy? are any former addicts truly happy when they quit?". I spoke to my ex about this some, he reminded me that I have no idea what was going on in his life and why he did what he did, and to not assume that a life full of depression was what awaited me as I continue to abstain from hard drugs. I know he's right, I'm sure there was much more at play in Tony B's life than the world knows, it just created a pretty negative thought pattern in me. I was so close to using Friday, I really was, but I didn't...and I"m really freaking proud of that. One of my dope boys has been blowing me up this past weekend..I finally just blocked his new number (already had his last one blocked, but I guess since he got a new number he thought he'd try and get me again). I haven't been keeping track of how many days I've been completely clean this time (22 I believe, now that I'm looking at the calendar), but I'm not disregarding my previous clean time. Even my relapse has been part of this recovery process...so, all in all, its almost 4 months in recovery.

s&em, are you still going on just the subs? I meant to ask in my last post, how are you feeling? I'm prescribed 16mg subs and I've recently been trying just 8mg and I'm actually feeling much better on this dosage. I had heard that less is more when it comes to subs, and boy is that true. I'm actually finding the cravings less on this amount..strange medication, I swear. How many days have you got now? Sorry to make my last reply so self centered I meant to ask all of this then. 3 days IS a big deal! I know once I have made it to 3 days without dope, it gets so much easier from there. Both times I've gotten on subs, day 4 was when I started to feel like a real human again.

beenbetter, have you sat down and talked to your wife about this stuff? Like REALLY talked to her? Women love letters and signs that their man truly cares...have you thought about writing her a letter to tell her how you feel? I think she would really appreciate hearing you apologize for your past actions and your future plans of sobriety. Maybe some flowers with it..haha. We women are suckers for these kinds of things.

Thanks again everyone for your continued support. I woke up in a great mood today and have a feeling that its going to be an excellent week! :)
 
Hello ladyhlove,

Just wanted to come on and see how you're doing today?

Man you've gone through so much and are doing such a great job!! You're a very strong person and a very special one too.

Hugs,
your friend, here for you always,
Ash.
 
Sorry I missed this yesterday, Ash, I spent the work day running around Atlanta filing various documents at various courthouses and didn't get my computer time. I need to be better about checking this more often.

I'm doing GREAT this week :D Due to the fact that I work for a shady company, I'm always a little fearful of my job security so I casually send my resume at job opportunities that seem interesting via linkedin every other week or so. Well, I found an office manager position at a law firm right by my house and sent them my resume. The owner reached out to me almost immediately to schedule a phone interview for today. It went really well! I have a second, in person, interview tomorrow :) The place is totally what I'm looking for, a small firm with some room for growth, but I just gotta make sure the pay is at least equal to what I'm making here. I don't make anything crazy salary-wise, so hopefully it'll be on par.

I think a new job will be great for my recovery because I still have a lot of triggers here at this current office that I fight daily. I can't even use the stall I used to snort my drugs in anymore. I just can't. Also, I work in a 95% Korean company and, being a non korean female, I face a bit of discrimination from a lot of the other employees (mainly the female ones) for being too "American". Defintiely don't feel like I fit in here and I'd like to have a work environment I enjoy more. Stay tuned, hopefully things will be getting better on that end.

I get to spend this weekend with my love and I'm incredibly excited about that. It's keeping me in a positive state of mind this week :)

I hope everyone else is finding some success in their recovery :) Thanks always for the support guys! I am not a 12 step kinda gal so this is, essentially, my "meeting"
 
^I feel you about the job change. I am treading water here in my "recovery", kind of running in place. I associate work with drinking and doing drugs, especially when I travel, which is quite a bit. I work in a rather toxic environment, filled with liars, cheats and paranoid power-hungry hypocrites. I want to get away from all of them.
 
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