• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery A new me.

My habit was around a g a day.
I?ve gotten it down to much less. I have been taking at least 2mgs sub daily and then using a bit on top of it to take away residual withdrawals. It?s just the cravings. And probably the fact there is some here. I?m too scared not to have something around in case wds get too bad. I will up the sub dose today and see what happens. I just don?t wanna be on too high of a sub dose that I can?t ever get off of them. Feeling trapped.
One day last week I snorted 2mgs of sub and it made me feel awful pwds even though I had some sub in me but I think that was after a binge where I stayed lit on probably fent dope for a few days.
But I am wondering if the last few days of subs are building up because the little I used yesterday I didn?t feel. I have a bad habit of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep and taking a bump.
 
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The hardest thing I have had to go through happened to me in November 2017. My now ex husband had gotten involved with some strippers and was found dead in a strippers apartment. The cause of death was accidental toxic affects of cocaine, heroin, and zanex. All that he went through with me only to die of a drug overdose just boggles my mind. I am now left alone to raise our children.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Kelly. That IS crazy he would die from an opiate (in combo with other drugs) od after the struggle you went through. Congrats on 6 years though! It's quite an accomplishment and very impressive also that you didn't go back to using after the tragedy involving your ex husband. That sort of thing would cause a relapse in a lot of people.


Well guys, I'm at day 24 of recovery! I've been a good girl all week and haven't had any minor slip ups at all! My best friend, who lives across the country in Portland OR, is coming into town this weekend. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years so I'm pretty excited about it. We're going to Six Flags on Sunday. I'm trying to convince my ex boyfriend to come with us..he said maybe. Hoping he does :) Things are going well for me, otherwise. Still feeling pretty good every day and continuing to adjust to this new normal.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that, Kelly. That IS crazy he would die from an opiate (in combo with other drugs) od after the struggle you went through. Congrats on 6 years though! It's quite an accomplishment and very impressive also that you didn't go back to using after the tragedy involving your ex husband. That sort of thing would cause a relapse in a lot of people.


Well guys, I'm at day 24 of recovery! I've been a good girl all week and haven't had any minor slip ups at all! My best friend, who lives across the country in Portland OR, is coming into town this weekend. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years so I'm pretty excited about it. We're going to Six Flags on Sunday. I'm trying to convince my ex boyfriend to come with us..he said maybe. Hoping he does :) Things are going well for me, otherwise. Still feeling pretty good every day and continuing to adjust to this new normal.
Good for you!! You are kickin butt!!
How is your sleep? Any problems there or with depression and anxiety?
Edit: goodness time flies. I remember the day this thread started. I was struggling bad and not much has changed for me. :(
 
That is so awesome!! like you beenbetter i think i connect to ladyhlove posts becuz we are all in similar positions at similar times. Honestly ladyhlove reading your posts inspires me so much so please keep posting! -JD
 
Hey guys!

Today makes one month in recovery!! I've been pretty good over the past week. Back to normal, for the most part. Having some depression issues here and there, but that was pretty common for me even before I began using drugs. I've been missing my ex a lot lately. I went out last week on a date with a guy I met on tinder. It was a good date and the guy was nice and all, but I still have so many feelings for my ex. Problem is, this new dude is absolutely crazy about me. I think he's a great guy, but he likes me way more than I like him and I still am hung up on my ex. I'm afraid I'm going to have to break this guy's heart, but I'm not just going to fake it. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to tell this guy, "look you're great but I still have feelings for my ex". Maybe I'll say just that...ughhh I shouldn't have even gone on a date..I had a feeling this might happen. This sounds cocky and I apologize, but usually when I go on dates with guys they get really hung up on me quickly (like I said, sorry this sounds cocky) . This can be a great thing if I'm feeling the guy equally, but not if I'm not.

Beenbetter, how have you been doing? Sleep has been good for me and haven't had too many problems with anxiety. Depression, as I stated above, happens from time to time. Mainly just sad and lonely regarding my breakup. Earlier in the week I had a bit of a breakdown on him last week after having a few too many drinks at happy hour. I feel like I'm doing all this work to better myself and it doesn't matter to him. He said, it definitely does matter but it's only been a month...he wants to make sure I'm in this for the long haul before reconsidering our relationship. I get it, its been a month, but I'm just impatient because I still miss him so much. Going out with this new guy makes me miss him even more because everytime I meet up with this new guy or he texts me, I wish it were my ex instead :( I think once I get things ended with this new dude, I'm going to stay off the dating sites and whatnot for awhile. I mainly got on tinder just to find some distraction for my lonliness and to boost my self esteem, but I think its too soon for me. I still have too many feelings for my former SO that I don't think are going to go away any time soon. :/
 
Today is tough. Day 30, btw, but wanting to use very badly today. I've made it this far, so I don't plan on going back at this point, though. I think I need to discover some new hobbies. I've realized boredom is a huge trigger for me. Like, if I have plans for the night after work I'm fine..but when I don't or my plans fall through, I immediately think "you should go buy some dope and just chill at home then". I've always hated being by myself, but its something I'm learning to deal with during this recovery process as well. My ex got me a knitting kit the day I started recovery (I'm add as hell, I HAVE to be doing something with my hands when at home relaxing on the couch..phone, computer, picking at my cuticles, etc) and he figured it would be something healthy and productive I could do. It's been sitting in its box for a few weeks now, maybe I'll bust it out. I also want to exercise more, but don't have regular gym access, Though, winter finally seems to have passed here in the A, as of like yesterday, so I suppose I could start running in my neighborhood some. I've got a busy weekend coming up..it's one of my best friend's birthdays and she's pretty much got a whole weekend plan involving live music, brunch, hiking, and a night of camping in a local state park. I'm really looking forward to it..weekends have been the hardest bc thats always when I made sure to stock up on extra dope and also when I spent the most amount of time with my ex. Trying to think about that to get me through. Love you guys, thanks for all your support and kind words.
 
Stay strong ladyhlove!

New hobbies is a very good idea. what about indoor climbing wall? No idea why I ended up suggesting that. If that's no go, maybe some other exercise?
Meditation, relaxation, visualizing and whatnot, just don't work when you have bad craving. Maybe they could work for you, those just don't work for me. They are in my schedule also, but different phase of recovery

Although the substances which I'm quitting are not nearly as strong as heroin, the mindset is the same I think.

Bad days come and go. We all just got find ways to survive those days to cope (like you didn't know already) Mind is your worst enemy on this, so finding something that require 100& concentration would be great.

I send you power through this message, as much as I can.

Win this battle, and also the war!
 
Thanks number! I actually used to rock climb at a climbing gym pretty regularly...thinking about getting back into that. Stayed strong yesterday! Today is much better! I have a really fun weekend ahead of me planned for a friend's birthday and its nice to have something like that to look forward to!
 
No one is really replying much anymore, but this is for my own reflection as well...so I will continue to update!

Day 34 of recovery. 20 days since my one time relapse. Doing well!

I had a really good weekend. It was a good friend of mine's birthday so we had a big night out Friday night and spent the rest of the weekend camping until yesterday evening. Its amazing how little I think about drugs and using when I have something to keep me busy all day. This month is going to be pretty busy and the weather here in GA is starting to get really nice. I got a good bit of sun yesterday sitting out around the campsite, and it boosted my spirits. Spring in the south is so gorgeous, all of the flowers are starting to bloom. I'm enjoying it before the 95+ degree 100% humidity days than plague us from about May 1-October 1 begin. I always feel a bit better during warmer months, so I'm glad that I began my recovery during the end of winter..I think if I had begun in the beginning it would be a bit more difficult. I've gone on a couple of dates with this new guy I met online. He's a great guy and is super into me, but I'm still having a lot of feelings for my ex. He knows about my recovery as well as recent breakup, and knows I'm not looking for anything too serious right now, but is still persisting. I don't wanna break a heart, but it looks like I may have to at some point soon because I'm really just trying to focus on me at the moment. I have to admit, if someone told me they were only a month into heroin recovery, I think I would be running for the hills...but, I guess it isn't a dealbreaker for him. I don't know how I feel about that, lol.
 
I'm still reading. You're doing fantastic. When it comes to your ex, bear in mind that though a month clean seems like an eternity to us, to them it's barely a drop in the bucket compared to all the time you were using, so it's going to take a while for them to fully trust you again. It also sounds a little like you're still trying to fix yourself with someone, which is a recipe for disaster. If you make another person the foundation of your recovery then you're putting your entire life in their hands. Everyone argues, everyone fights, people are fickle and depending on them to keep you sober (and alive) is a huge risk that I've seen end in disaster time & time again. If I were you I'd stay on good terms with your ex but really try to stop pining after him until you're further down the line & cut contact with the guy that you're using just to boost your self-esteem.
 
Yeah, already about to cut things off with new guy. I have major codependency issues and I'm trying to work on that as well.

You're right...a month clean has felt like an eternity to me..and it's nothing to my ex. I'm trying not to pine after him, but it's difficult. I miss him a lot. I'm trying to keep myself busy with friends and activities to keep my mind off of everything. It helps
 
You're doing great. I suggest trying to be patient when it comes to matters of the heart. I swear, my wife has no clue the constant inner turmoil, both physical and mentally, I am in. And because of this, it's taking it's toll on the relationship.

Get right with you, or string together more time on this path, and hopefully things like love and relationships fall into place. They will. They always do. And it may be with your "ex" or it may be with someone fantastic in other ways. I need to do the same.
 
I'm trying to be patient, I really am. My ex put it well the other day when talking. He said, "you see, you're doing all this stuff to fix your life and its working and you're doing really well...but you can't fix this one big thing in your life. And you want to and you can't because only time can fix that. And it's driving you crazy,". He's absolutely right.

I'm kind of regretting going on those 2 dates with this new guy. I was just trying to get back out there some and, ya know, meet new people. I've had this happen in the past a few times...gone on a date with someone who I wasn't planning on making any sort of serious relationship with ever...and then they fall in love with me like from the get go. I had a feeling this might happen again. I think after I officially break this off, I'm avoiding any sort of dating with ANYONE for a while..like 6+ months.
 
I'm still following your thread as well...your recovery inspires me! Im struggling myself i get a week here or thete go back for a week (just because i lobe sub pws - im being sarcastic of course).... but when i read your progress it reminds me that i can do it so PLEASE keep posting its helping more people then you know! So thank you for sharing !!
 
I'm trying to be patient, I really am. My ex put it well the other day when talking. He said, "you see, you're doing all this stuff to fix your life and its working and you're doing really well...but you can't fix this one big thing in your life. And you want to and you can't because only time can fix that. And it's driving you crazy,". He's absolutely right.

I'm kind of regretting going on those 2 dates with this new guy. I was just trying to get back out there some and, ya know, meet new people. I've had this happen in the past a few times...gone on a date with someone who I wasn't planning on making any sort of serious relationship with ever...and then they fall in love with me like from the get go. I had a feeling this might happen again. I think after I officially break this off, I'm avoiding any sort of dating with ANYONE for a while..like 6+ months.


Good idea. I'm struggling a little to understand why you keep posting that you will do this and why we've yet to hear that you've done it yet. You're stringing a guy along for the sole purpose of boosting your own self-esteem while you pine after your ex. Has this guy done anything to deserve that? Why is he so unimportant that you feel totally fine with stepping on him to boost yourself up and then discarding him without a second thought? He didn't sign up to be an emotional tampon for a newly sober heroin addict, the guy might be really falling for you and every day you wait to tell him the truth - that you don't care about him, at all, and are just using him - it's just going to make it harder for him.

Sorry if I seem like I'm being hard on you. I'm sure you already know this is typical addict behaviour. We get so used to using & manipulating everyone around us that it can become our default state - we're so self-important & self-obsessed that we get used to using other people like they're objects placed on earth for our own whim, and it's hard to lose that mindset. However, if we want to recover we simply must stop. If we keep using - whether that be drugs, people, food, money, gambling etc - then we're building the path right back to our old addiction.
 
Wow tell us how you really feel Rio...hahaha it just seems to comeoff a bit judgmental (which ironically I find alot of people in recovery revert to as a coping mechanism ). ladyh is working thru a new journey and she is finding what works for her. Relationships have their own currency and we know very little about this relationship ... at any rate im sure you didnt mean it this way only to be helpful. You cant hear tone in a post which I suppose is one of the drawbacks of an online forum. At any rate ihope i didnt overstep here i just dont wantto discourage as h withdrawls willdo that enough... have a great day rio and ladyh!
 
Rio- I keep posting it? I mean I posted it twice...in one day, within 30 minutes of each other. Guess I should've used those 26 minutes to breakup with him or I'm a bad person? lmao. I'm trying to figure out where I said I was using this guy to boost self esteem? I'm actually not. Not using him either. I've paid for everything I've consumed/partaken in on the TWO dates I've gone on with this guy. Not sure how I'm stepping on him either..I've made it very clear to him that I still have feelings for my ex, he knows i'm a month into recovery, and I've expressed to him multiple times that I don't want a relationship but he still persists...alas I must break things off. If he truly just wanted to get to know me (WHICH IS WHAT HE SAID AT FIRST, NOT A DATE), it'd be one thing but his intentions were obviously different than he originally stated to me, and THATS why I have to break it off. Was really just looking to meet new people to hang out with, not even romantically and I made that clear from the start. Not stepping all over or stringing anyone along...I have been completely honest from the get go with this guy...and I've posted that. I'm not understanding what you mean by "every day you wait to tell him the truth"...because, um, I've never told him anything BUT the truth. I told him no multiple times to dates until he made it clear it wasn't a date, it was just two people hanging out and getting to know each other. If anything he's been the one pressuring me into something I clearly stated I wasn't ready for. I can't help it if someone develops feelings for me. All I can do is make it clear to them where I'm at as far as that goes, which I have been incredibly up front about. And I don't not care about him..I mean, I care about him as much as someone who's spent 6 hours of their life with a person can. Have you actually read anything I've posted, or just toothpastedog's reply? You seemed to jump to a bunch of conclusions that aren't really there. And quite aggressively, might I add. In the future, I recommend reading someone's entire thread before lashing out with accusatory statements, such as you have presented here.


Anywho. day 35 and having a really good day. Not sure why, but feeling happy and incredibly motivated at today. i'll take it!
 
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Wow tell us how you really feel Rio...hahaha it just seems to comeoff a bit judgmental (which ironically I find alot of people in recovery revert to as a coping mechanism ). ladyh is working thru a new journey and she is finding what works for her. Relationships have their own currency and we know very little about this relationship ... at any rate im sure you didnt mean it this way only to be helpful. You cant hear tone in a post which I suppose is one of the drawbacks of an online forum. At any rate ihope i didnt overstep here i just dont wantto discourage as h withdrawls willdo that enough... have a great day rio and ladyh!

LOL RIGHT?! People in recovery can be the most judgemental, quick to jump to incorrect conclusions, group of people I've ever met. Case in fucking point.
 
Rio- I keep posting it? I mean I posted it twice...in one day, within 30 minutes of each other. Guess I should've used those 26 minutes to breakup with him or I'm a bad person? lmao. I'm trying to figure out where I said I was using this guy to boost self esteem? I'm actually not. Not using him either. I've paid for everything I've consumed/partaken in on the TWO dates I've gone on with this guy. Not sure how I'm stepping on him either..I've made it very clear to him that I still have feelings for my ex, he knows i'm a month into recovery, and I've expressed to him multiple times that I don't want a relationship but he still persists...alas I must break things off. If he truly just wanted to get to know me (WHICH IS WHAT HE SAID AT FIRST, NOT A DATE), it'd be one thing but his intentions were obviously different than he originally stated to me, and THATS why I have to break it off. Was really just looking to meet new people to hang out with, not even romantically and I made that clear from the start. Not stepping all over or stringing anyone along...I have been completely honest from the get go with this guy...and I've posted that. I'm not understanding what you mean by "every day you wait to tell him the truth"...because, um, I've never told him anything BUT the truth. I told him no multiple times to dates until he made it clear it wasn't a date, it was just two people hanging out and getting to know each other. If anything he's been the one pressuring me into something I clearly stated I wasn't ready for. I can't help it if someone develops feelings for me. All I can do is make it clear to them where I'm at as far as that goes, which I have been incredibly up front about. And I don't not care about him..I mean, I care about him as much as someone who's spent 6 hours of their life with a person can. Have you actually read anything I've posted, or just toothpastedog's reply? You seemed to jump to a bunch of conclusions that aren't really there. And quite aggressively, might I add. In the future, I recommend reading someone's entire thread before lashing out with accusatory statements, such as you have presented here.


Anywho. day 35 and having a really good day. Not sure why, but feeling happy and incredibly motivated at today. i'll take it!

Sorry if I got the wrong idea. There's no need to get so angry and curse.

ladyhlove said:
I mainly got on tinder just to find some distraction for my lonliness and to boost my self esteem,
 
That's why I got on tinder, yes. Having guys like my pictures def helped boost the self esteem. That wasn't why I eventually accepted a date from this guy. I didn't really want to but he pushed it. I figured, it's one first date...can anyone get that attached? the answer is yes, I guess. Anyways, I told the guy I was looking for friendship only right now and he's cool with it. No harm. Like I said, we've known each other for 6 hours.
 
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