Recovery A new me.

[aihfl]

Thanks 209. It looks nasty out here and the air is so damp it feels like you could wring it out. But nothing like the Panhandle is going to get. People there went to bed last night with a Cat. 2 storm and they woke up to a Cat. 4 and the all the bridges back to the mainland closed for the folks out at the beaches. I saw on the news this morning that about 25k people are stranded on the barrier islands at Panama City Beach.

How is everyone holding up today?

 

[ladyhlove]

Yeah, I suppose the boyfriend could hold them. No one else really knows I'm taking methadone, though, and once I start getting more and more he won't be able to hold them for me (he lives 45 min south of me and we often go many days apart). If this continues to be problem for me, I may do that though. I haven't been tempted to take one in a while though. That's a lie, I've definitely been tempted, but I always remind myself that it won't do shit for my really except fuck up my Sunday. Luckily, I've ruined enough Sundays to want to keep that up.

Well guys I've been saying I'm gonna do it and I finally did it...I went to the gym last night! There's a brand spankin' new LA fitness down the road from my house I've been meaning to check out that has some pretty decent deals. I've been to a couple of different LA fitness's a time of two in my life and wasn't impressed...I used to belong to a really nice gym and the LA fitness's my friends would have me join them at sometimes were always shit holes where I pretty much ALWAYS had some guy parked next to me watching my tits bounce when I run (I'm blessed in that dept. but still...not cool). This one i went to last night was WAY NICE. It was nice and new and clean and had all sorts of nice amenities I would expect to find at the pricier gyms, but not LA Fitness. It was kinda crowded, but I didn't have to wait to use any of the machines or anything. I ended up just getting a week guest pass to try it out, but I think I'm gonna end up joining at the end of the week...I don't see why not the place seems nice, it's incredibly close to home, and having to pay monthly is usually pretty good incentive for me to keep using a gym (for awhile anyways). Monthly rates are low there too, like $20 a month which I can def swing. I definitely need to get into better shape. I weighed myself for the first time in awhile and I'm about 10 lbs heavier than the weight I prefer to be (and 5 past the weight i usually hover around)...not saying I'm fat or overweight or anything of the sort, but I'd like to get in better shape. Honestly, getting into an exercise routine is more about the mental health benefits for me than weight loss. When I was younger, I would start working out to lose weight and become frustrated after a couple of weeks when I didn't see any noticeable changes yet and then quit. As I've gotten older, I've often committed to workout routines for the sake of feeling better and having more energy and I've found that I'm way more likely to keep up with a routine if this is my motivation (and I end up losing weight and looking great as a bonus!). I know after just a few more sessions, I will become incredibly addicted to my workouts and look forward to them each day...shit, I'm already excited about going back tonight! There's an 8pm yoga class I want to check out for sure tonight.

I've been feeling like I've been falling behind on some things in my life lately and I'm trying to nip that in the butt before I dig myself in too deep. Having ADD and being a naturally disorganized/messy person, if I don't stay on top of things like cleaning, work duties, etc. I start falling behind on everything, then I get overwhelmed and ignore things more making them even worse until I have some sort of breakdown or finally decide enough is enough and try to handle them all as best as I can. When I was a younger gal, I was incredibly irresponsible because I would let this happen to myself all the time...but as I've aged I've tried to keep everything in order so that it doesn't ever fall apart (or for very long when it does). I often tell people the reason I seem like such a neat freak or organization freak at times is because I'm naturally disorganized and if something falls apart, my entire world unravels and I break down. I can't be the only person like this, can I?

Good job getting mom to hold those take homes, Drew. I see a slippery slope with all that that could really screw things up. I mean, that dude you know with methadone..how long until you have a really bad day and no done and you call him? And then what if he doesn't REALLY have methadone, or doesn't have as much as he claims, and oen day you need it and all he has is dope? You think you wouldn't get it if it were a REALLY bad day? I know I would. But hey maybe you have better self control than I do.

A, I hope you stay dry the next few days! We have CNN on all the time at my office and I just glanced up and saw Michael just made landfall as a cat 4...yikes! This one seems like it kinda snuck up...I didn't hear much about it in the preceding days as I usually do when it comes to big storms. Hope everyone is ok! Glad it's missing my mom in ft. meyers!

 

[aihfl]

I've been feeling like I've been falling behind on some things in my life lately and I'm trying to nip that in the butt before I dig myself in too deep. Having ADD and being a naturally disorganized/messy person, if I don't stay on top of things like cleaning, work duties, etc. I start falling behind on everything, then I get overwhelmed and ignore things more making them even worse until I have some sort of breakdown or finally decide enough is enough and try to handle them all as best as I can. When I was a younger gal, I was incredibly irresponsible because I would let this happen to myself all the time...but as I've aged I've tried to keep everything in order so that it doesn't ever fall apart (or for very long when it does). I often tell people the reason I seem like such a neat freak or organization freak at times is because I'm naturally disorganized and if something falls apart, my entire world unravels and I break down. I can't be the only person like this, can I?

I'm TOTALLY like that. And when I have a breakdown, that's when I start drinking, and that never leads to a good outcome. So yeah, staying on top of things is sometimes stressful, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. And it's been a lot less stressful staying on top of things after going back on the Adderall.

LA Fitness isn't a bad deal. I am a member although I haven't been in a while because the one closest to me closed down for renovations until next year sometime and the next closest one is quite a ways away. I really miss going to yoga. It's such a great stress-buster. I'm always so relaxed at the end that a lot of times I end up briefly falling asleep during savasana. Mine definitely has a kind of "meat market" atmosphere, but I'm not there to flirt and I'm not shredded enough for anyone to flirt with me, so I just do my own thing, shower and leave.

 

[ladyhlove]

Drinking just destroys and responsibility I have. Drinking makes me ignore anything important I might need to do and the proceeding hangover does the exact same. The less I drink, the more productive I am. Opiates work the opposite for me. The joy that opiates bring me creates an intense feeling of motivation and desire to right the wrongs in my life and a long opiate binge will usually result in me getting my shit together (exactly the opposite of what one would expect someone's doc to do for them lol). This is why I kept taking opiates for so long..i thought they made me a better person.

A, how you hanging in there? I know you're not coastal but I'm watching CNN right now and I see FL getting completely battered beyond recognition right now. Looks bad...I'm fearing the final death toll ..I know a LOT of people stayed and didn't evacuate bc this storm wasn't supposed to be anywhere close to this big.

 

[aihfl]

Just got a severe thunderstorm warning, so we're about to get hit with a squall, but still nothing like what they're experiencing up north.

I almost always mixed opiates with alcohol for the sweet, sweet embrace of oblivion, so it didn't motivate me to do anything except pass out, which is exactly what I wanted. If I'm out, I can't be stressing over my problems.

 

[aihfl]

WD insomnia is the worst. I've been an insomniac since I was a little kid and that was a big contributor to why I abused downers for so long. But I wish someone had told me when I started down that road that it was going to catch up with me. I was up once for about 80 hours straight coming off booze and opiates.

Everything is ok in Central Florida, we just had some severe rain squalls yesterday but they they blew in and out in a matter of minutes. It's still overcast and humid and just feels generally nasty outside, though. The Panhandle though is a different story. Mexico Beach, where Michael made landfall (a quaint little beach town) was basically blown off the map, and most of Tallahassee is without power, although it sounds like the mayor did a great job of advance planning and brought in relief utility workers before the storm even hit so they can hit the ground running to get everyone's juice turned back on. He's one of the candidates running for governor, and it can only help him (I hope), especially when his opponent was running attack ads against him as the storm has happening. I saw that Michael is forecast to be a tropical storm all the way across the Atlantic before it dissipates near Ireland, so this is definitely one for the history books for sure.

 

[ladyhlove]

Well the rain started yesterday but got pretty intense around 5 oclock (just in time for Atlanta rush hour, YAY!). The entire interstate was shut down on my way home because of a really bad wreck (literally the entire interstate..everyone was forced get off on this one little exit) so my already shitty commute was probably the worst I've ever seen it and it took me nearly 2 hours to get home (and I work about 15 miles from my job). Luckily, the worst of it hit much further south than Atlanta is...it was about 250 miles south of Macon which is already a good hour 1/2-2 hour commute south from the city. We did have some pretty violent rain/wind during the evening last night. My street was full of downed limbs this am but nothing that kept me from leaving my neighborhood or anything.

Last night, I kept my fingers crossed that the storm wouldn't get much worse...not only for the safety of myself and my loved ones, but also because if shit took a turn for the worst and power was lost or flooding occurred, my clinic might close unexpectedly. That's one of the worst parts of being on MMT...any kind of unexpected natural disaster can really fuck up dosing for some people if the clinic isn't prepared. I read an article a few weeks ago about how, during both hurricane Harvey in TX last year and Super-storm Sandy that hit the NE back in 2012, there were so many reports from MMT patients who were in absolute misery bc they were stuck in their homes for days on end without their meds and there was no way for them to dose. MMT patient's medication needs are considered unimportant and hospitals will not simply dose people instead. During these sort of situations your only options are to score (if you can leave your home) or deal with it..and I can only imagine how shitty high dose methadone wd can be on top of the already incredible amount of stress the patient is probably dealing with already from being involved in a natural disaster. Another article i read about this same subject was written by a woman who was pregnant and on MMT and her clinic closed unexpectedly because of a rainstorm that brought about severe flooding. She called the clinic in a panic and they told her she could guest dose at a clinic an hour away but she was trapped on her street due to the flooding. The clinic ended up getting her a lifeflight helicopter to pick her up and take her to the clinic an hour away, have her get her meds and several takehomes, and then took her back to her home. She noted in the article that it was insane that it was easier for her to get a fucking helicopter to take her to a clinic an hour away than it was for someone to just fucking bring her some methadone at her house. That methadone is THAT controlled. I really am considering going a couple of Sundays without my take home dose so I can have a couple of extra doses at home in case of emergencies like that. I could give them to my bf (he wouldn't take them..he's never used a hard drug in his life and has no desire to) and the temptation to take them on top of my regular dose would be eliminated. Might not be the worst idea..

I'm glad you're back to regular dosing, Drew. Don't fuck it up again! Every time you think taking those extra meds will be a good idea, please remember that A. You won't even get that much higher. You're wasting them for pretty much nothing. B. You don't wanna feel like shit from the wds again and C. This could be the gateway to fucking up your treatment which seems to be working really well for you. And A, I'm glad things weren't too bad in O-town. These hurricane seasons are getting so intense. Totally not bc of all the global warming though...couldn't be...

Things are still going pretty good with me. Went to the gym again last night...I'm already hooked again it looks like! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up joining, they have a pretty good sign up deal going on this month. I have found myself wishing I could get high again, though. i don't want to be high all the time, but I miss being able to get off work on a Friday and get a little opiate buzz to relax. I know that even if I scored some dope it would do nothing for me and that kind of bums me out a little sometimes. I know that sounds bad. I wouldn't really even call what I'm expressing cravings per say, just kind of bummed out that I can't even get high if I decide that I want to. I know, deep down, this is a good thing for me and is the reason I wanted to get up to 80mg of methadone...80mg is the amount that fully blocks all other opiates for me. Scoring would be a waste of money and would probably bum me out even more, so I'm not gonna do it. This will pass. I think I'm just dealing with a bit of boredom and restlessness. Things in my life are great, don't get me wrong...I just have a tendency to get too comfortable in my happiness sometimes and I want more. I wish that I could have the ability to enjoy the good things in my life forever, not be excited about them at first and then get used to them and take them for granted. This is when I usually start using drugs to deal with the boredom and complacency. Not this time though! Maybe a new hobby is in order?

 

[aihfl]

When Atlanta has a traffic disaster, it's a FUCKING disaster. It took me about 5 hours once to get from the Doraville/Chamblee area to the 20/285 interchange because a tanker truck turned over and exploded at the 85/285 interchange and the entire interstate in both directions was shut down between 85 and 20 and all that traffic was being funneled onto surface streets and there really aren't any big roads that can handle a large amount of traffic in that area. This was around 2003, so Siri wasn't around to tell you where TF to go. And how about that homeless tweaker who set the fire that caused part of 85 to collapse last year? If I had to live in Atlanta, I think I'd do my best to try and live within walking distance or an easy bike or bus ride to a MARTA station. We have the same issue here because there's a lot of times there's just no avoiding Interstate 4. As much as South Florida traffic sucks, the Turnpike and 95 run closely parallel to one another so if there's a problem on one, it's not that big a deal to just get on the other.

 

[Catlady45]

Hi you guys!! I have just completed reading this entire thread! LadyH, Drew, ailf, KrazyKat, Ash, Rio..... And others I have forgotten names but not the stories! You all have my heart! You are all going through so much but you all have the strength of lions!! I am amazed and strengthened by your words!

Lady H I don't know how you do it! You manage to overcome every obstacle thrown your way no matter how hard! Even in a setback you handle your business, hold your job, hold your man....need I say more? You pull it all back together And quick!!

KrazyKat I also read your thread. I am paying strict attention too your slogan Fall 7 times get up 8.

Coming off a 3yr run of high doses of kratom daily. It is pretty hellish but I still feel like it is nothing compared to you guys!

Hope you all continue to do well!! ?

 

[aihfl]

Hope everyone is having a good evening and welcome CatL. I thought about stopping for a bottle of wine this evening, but I'm volunteering for Sen. Bill Nelson's reelection campaign tomorrow morning and I don't want to feel like shit, plus I probably wouldn't get up in time to get the dog walked (he's 100 percent reliable about using pads, but he needs his bathroom needs taken care of immediately in the morning) or eat a decent breakfast, which would make me feel even worse. And tomorrow's going to be a late night with the Magic-Spurs game and Saturday a friend is giving me his extra ticket to see Jim Jeffries, and I'm working Sunday, so I don't have an open window of time to drink, which is a good thing.

I went to the local art theater this evening and saw this documentary called Pick of the Litter which follows a litter of puppies born into a seeing eye dog training program, from the time they are born, to their "graduation" when they're paired up with a visually impaired person. Good film. And I've been craving sweets all day today (I'm out of groceries and have nothing sweet around the house) so I ordered the bread pudding (this place has an in-house chef) and man, I haven't had alcohol in long enough that holy shit, that bread pudding gave me a buzz. It wasn't much of a buzz, but it wasn't one of those phantom buzzes people claim to get from non-alcoholic beer either. This was a real buzz. Good thing I just had a UA so I won't have another one until toward the end of the month.

Anyway, prob won't be around in the morning so hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

 

[EPL1]

Catlady,

Welcome to you and thanks for the kind words, I wish you nothing but success with your own struggles and I will give you love, support and friendship along the way. What an awesome person you are.

Aihfl,

Good for you, you're making such good choices and I'm really proud of you, I know I tell you all the time, and you're probably sick of it, but you really are the best.

Lady H,

Wow, I have so much admiration for you, I love your honesty and the way you manage yourself. You are one hell of a kick ass person, you will go far in this world my dear.


DrewDog,

I have ready many of your posts on here, and I just wanted you to know what a kind,wonderful and supportive person I think you are.


I consider you all my dear friends and will be here for all you anytime.

Love and support,
here for you all anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[EPL1]

Hello Drew,

That's so kind of you, and that's so funny you know, I have read so many of your posts, and I always wanted to tell you how great I think you are, I only wish I had done so sooner. Oh well, we're doing it now, right!??? ; )

Btw, I am being 100 percent genuine, you are all very special people and I love you all and I want the very best for you. I couldn't be more sincere.

I hope you're having a great evening Drew,

here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

Hey Ash... I just wanted to let you know that I have seen your post on here many times too. I always wanted to reach out to you but never did unfortunately. You seem like a very kind and friendly person who must care a lot about everyone on here. You have a great night! And thanks for your kind words.

Also, I just adore the way you always sign off with your friend Ash... You always seem so genuine... I love it!

 

[ladyhlove]

Awww y'all. My heart is so full of love from all the replies I had waiting for me this morning :D. Happy Friday to all of you and I'm happy to have each and every single one of you guys in my life these days! I have to say, this is a place I feel incredibly comfortable being my true, honest, junkie self and I appreciate all of you and the space we've been given to discuss the problems (and joys!) in our lives.

Welcome CatLady! I won't hold your preferred choice of pet against you Thanks for reading and thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I at least seem like I'm getting it together somewhat haha. As Drew pointed out, I'm incredibly fortunate that I got out just in time before I lost my job and completely ruined my reputation in this city (Atlanta may be big, but social circles, especially in the actual "city", tend to be small and run together. Me meeting a new person, then discovering we have 20+ mutual friends is not uncommon for me). This is kind of what keeps me going in spite of the occasional thoughts of missing dope and missing getting high...getting clean is the only option. Sure, there are other options....resorting to theft and prostitution to keep getting my fix for the next 20 years after I've ruined my reputation in the business world and then the bar industry (my fall back industry), jail/prison time, death...but those aren't viable options for me. That's what I tell everyone (IRL) when they tell me they're proud of me and my progress.."Well, it's kind of the only option". And YES KraziKat's "Fall down 7 times get up 8 times" has become a motto for me as well. Not so much these days because I'm doing a really good job at remaining standing, but in the past it's what's kept me on this path even when I've veered off a few times. I'm also incredibly fortunate to have dope and the "dope life" not really be my life, even when I was heavily using. None of my friends use, my sig other didn't use, no one I knew used really (except one friend of mine who's still pretty bad but is a recluse who i rarely see anymore anyways) so getting off drugs has been much easier for me than for someone who, say, has many people in their lives still using..the temptation isn't there for me like it is for some people. Anyways, I'm rambling. THANK YOU again and good luck with your kratom wd, keep us posted!

A, don't get me started on the traffic situation in this city. MARTA isn't a great alternative either, really. Ya see, this city is SO spread out that it is incredibly difficult to set up your life so that you can use it to get to work and after work activities. See, most office are around the perimeter these days and not really downtown due to real estate in the city being bananas expensive these days. I know you know quite a bit about Atlanta, but in case you dont know..the perimeter is pretty much the burbs and about 20 minutes minimum from the city. There are jobs downtown but not many and if you want a typical office job, you will more than likely find yourself working outside of the city. Also, going out in Atlanta is difficult on MARTA unless you want to go to Midtown or Buckhead which I def don't LOL (it's the stuck up, popped collar side of town). Parts of town that a lot of people like to go to, aka The highlands, little 5 points, East atl village etc are inaccessible via MARTA trains. The buses will get you there but the bus system is downright dangerous and hardly any white ppl take it (just being real here). Atlanta's infrastructure in general is super fucked up...this city wasn't expected to be this big. From someone who's lived here for pretty much her entire life, I gotta say the Olympics really changed things here for us. We were a big city, but that just really put us on the map. The city is also a magnet for people to move to. We have an insane amount of transplants, new residents arrive daily, and it's very uncommon to meet someone actually from atlanta these days. The city just keeps growing and growing but the city itself can't keep up...so they just build more and more "mixed use" properties with insanely high rent and keep adding new trendy neighborhoods but they aren't updating the roads, the sewer systems, etc so everything just becomes a disaster. I could go on and on about how poorly planned my city is...but I don't have the time...

I did it guys, 3 for 3 days at the gym! Can I call myself a gym rat yet? I'm really enjoying this workout routine. I've decided to go every day for about an hour after I get off work...during that time I used to score drugs. Now that I can't get high on dope after work every day, I'm finding that a nice endorphin rush from a good 30 min run is a decent replacement. I'm a little sore, but it's a good kinda sore ya know I have a feeling I'll be in super shape in no time. I'm gonna join the gym officially Sunday (once this guest pass ends lol)

How is everyone? Ash, it's been a minute and its so nice to see your, uh, face? lol. How did your discussion with your dr. regarding your pain issues go? I've been wondering! How have things in your life been going?

I'm so excited about the weekend, y'all, you have no idea! This week has felt insanely long. I really miss my bf, to be completely honest. I did a lot of work, during our time apart, on my codependency and squashed my need to be with him 24/7 but both of us are getting kind of sick of only getting to see each other Fri night-sun morning, then having to go the whole week apart again until the next weekend. I really need him to move the fuck out of his parents house..that's the main issue here. He lives 45 min south of me and works even further south than that so him moving into my house isn't an option, he'd still have to live down where he currently does..but at least I could come down a night or two during the week if he weren't at his parents (bc i'm banned from their home...) and break up the week some. He told me yesterday he will be out by 2019. I really fucking hope so.

Anywho, no plans for the weekend really. I've been falling behind on house work, esp after being gone last weekend, so I'll probably just try and catch up on that and maybe binge watch something in bed with the bf all weekend. Relaxing and chores are all that's lined up and I'm totally ok with that. Last night I forced myself to go out to a local band's show for a couple of hours bc I hadnt seen my crew in a while and I decided I needed to make an appearance. I really didn't wanna go but I had a good time. I made sure to dash out of there before it go too late though Oh that party life of a 32 year old.

Sorry for the rambling. Mucho caffenation this am. I hope everyone's day is great and everyone is well today!

 

[ladyhlove]

Also, where's our resident asshole, Rio, been? I hope that he's alright!

 

[aihfl]

Whew - I spent the morning pounding the pavement for Sen. Bill Nelson and I am ready for a nap, especially in this heat. I think I've guzzled a quart of water and I haven't even had to pee.

LHL, it is the same story here and in South Florida with infrastructure. It's ironic that I live in Orange County, and there are hardly any citrus groves left here anymore because it's so much more lucrative to do just about anything else with land other than grow citrus on it. Since I got here in the 90s, the population of the metro area has more than doubled. In fact, one of the reasons I think Sen. Nelson is having such a tough reelection fight is that when he was first elected in 2000, people remembered how as state treasurer he forced insurance companies to pay out on Hurricane Andrew claims, but the population of the entire state has grown by about 10 million people since Hurricane Andrew, so that's a lot of people that don't know the scale of the destruction Andrew left behind. The population of South Florida surpassed Atlanta several years ago, but only Miami has local rail service and even then, it's pretty limited for a city of its size. I tried to use our rail system SunRail when I lived close to downtown, but it's just not convenient. It doesn't run late enough to make it an option for big concerts or Magic games etc. and trying to make a train-bus connection, forget it, because the bus system rots.

209, yeah, Jim Jeffries is one funny mofo. A few months ago he was going off about how ridiculous things are getting with emotional support animals and he got a camel and registered it as an emotional support animal and brought it on the show. Earlier in the week, everyone on a flight from Orlando to Cleveland had to deplane because a woman brought an emotional support squirrel onto the plane and wouldn't get off when she was asked to get off the plane.

Well I am wiped so I'm going to turn on the TV and lay down on the couch. Happy Friday to all.

 

[ladyhlove]

Yeah, MARTA closes around midnight..which can also be a huge problem if you're using it to go out on the weekends and you end up wanting to have a nightcap that mayyy put you past midnight and then you have to wait tilll 5am when Marta starts running again (and I've seen people sleeping in the station waiting for the train at 2am). Uber is an option but can get pricey since everything is so far apart around here

 

[Catlady45]

Hey yall! Aihfl glad you made it through the storm man!

Drew I think that's great letting your mom hold your stuff!

LadyH yes that Marta is something else! I'm only a couple hours away!

I started a thread with a little of my history if you would like to read. I'm a woman of few words so it's short and sweet! All you guys are my heroes!

 

[aihfl]

Hope everyone's weekend is off to a good start. I had a good time at the game last night, although the "Tragic Magic" lived up to their nickname, losing to San Antonio by 19. They're 2-3 in the preseason, so I hope this is not an indicator of how the regular season is going to go, although Magic rookie Mo Bamba and veteran Nikola Vucevik were on fire, but were ultimately unable to carry the team. I didn't go to any games (nor did I even follow the NBA much) last season because I was too busy being fucked up. I actually have a good record over the past four years or so of not getting completely wasted at sporting events because I was either on a date or with friends in recovery or who knew I was trying to recover, so maybe buying this season pass (not season tickets - I can only get my seats assigned 90 minutes before each game) was a good investment toward recovery.

It's finally cooling down here. It's about 80 degrees out right now and the humidity is finally under 50 percent, so it is actually a pleasant 80 degrees. It was about 65 when I went out to walk the dog around 7:30 this morning and it felt downright chilly like I needed a jacket.

 

[lovemissile66]

Hey do they make a K safe big enough to fit a human??!! Or maybe that is called jail. Either way, what a fantastic device!

 

[aihfl]

Hey do they make a K safe big enough to fit a human??!! Or maybe that is called jail.

Hilarious observation. And true. I wish I had something like that when I was drinking to put my Ambien, Ativan and car keys in. My DUI class instructor told us about a guy she had in a class (and I remember this on the news, too) who hit 18 cars around his apartment complex while sleep driving on alcohol and Ambien.