• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery A new me.

I've been romanticizing all day today about the early days of my drug use...when I was still just using pills and only for fun, not to function. I'd get 2 blues (roxy 30s) from a girl I worked with who's bf sold, save em till my day off. I could hardly sleep the night before I'd be so excited. I'd wake up super early, take half of one. Let it kick in and then just clean, run errands, nod out, scratch, feel amazing all day while taking 3 more 15mg doses about 3-4 hours apart until I fell into blissful sleep.

Those were the days. 2 roxy 30's wouldn't even touch my habit now. Sigh.

Probably not the best idea to romanticize this shit, but it feels harmless because I know opiates wouldn't make me feel that way anymore...they would just make me feel "normal"
 
I was thinking recently about the days when I could walk into a shady doctor's office in Florida, pay cash for a bogus MRI (to at least make it look legit) and walk out with 180 roxy 30s. I had so many I'd give them away. Unimaginable now. And that was way before the Controlled Substance Monitoring Database was up so the really enterprising addicts could hit up multiple clinics in a day and make back many times what they paid.
 
aihfl said:
I was thinking recently about the days when I could walk into a shady doctor's office in Florida, pay cash for a bogus MRI (to at least make it look legit) and walk out with 180 roxy 30s. I had so many I'd give them away. Unimaginable now. And that was way before the Controlled Substance Monitoring Database was up so the really enterprising addicts could hit up multiple clinics in a day and make back many times what they paid.
Click to expand...

Wow. 180 Blues. Good thing I didn't live in FL, or a good thing I didn't become a junkie until AFTER it became a horrible epidemic and the govt started cracking down.
 
ladyhlove said:
I've been romanticizing all day today about the early days of my drug use...when I was still just using pills and only for fun, not to function. I'd get 2 blues (roxy 30s) from a girl I worked with who's bf sold, save em till my day off. I could hardly sleep the night before I'd be so excited. I'd wake up super early, take half of one. Let it kick in and then just clean, run errands, nod out, scratch, feel amazing all day while taking 3 more 15mg doses about 3-4 hours apart until I fell into blissful sleep.

Those were the days. 2 roxy 30's wouldn't even touch my habit now. Sigh.

Probably not the best idea to romanticize this shit, but it feels harmless because I know opiates wouldn't make me feel that way anymore...they would just make me feel "normal"
Click to expand...

I started out the quartering those blues. Had my little pill cutter. One for home, one at work... just flyin high all day in the office, happy as can be.
 
Yeah, it used to be crazy.

I lived up in Seattle and had a friend who wasn't a doctor, np, or even a nurse but was a doctor's personal assistant and he trusted her enough to have his DEA number and had her call in prescriptions for him at pharmacy's all the time out of laziness. So, naturally, being a the true dumbass she was she began writing herself, and people she knew, controlled substances. Her bf was add but without insurance or a dr up there so she wrote him adderaal scrips, she wrote herself and myself opiate scrips once a week. We'd switch pharmacies so they wouldn't be able to keep track. This must've been before the SMD as well, not sure when that came about, because we never had any issues. Until she got dumb one day and decided to use a pharmacy right down the street from her dr's office (something she always said would be what got her caught..but they were one of the only 24 hour ones around and she was desperate at 2am). The pharmacist immediately called the dr's personal cell number, having it since they got some many prescriptions from that dr being so close to the office, and the gig was up. The pharmacist told her to wait the usual 15 min for fill, and promptly called the police. Her bf, who was waiting in the car outside, claimed to see her go in...2 officers come in 10 min later, and then all of them leave...together. I'm not sure exactly what happened to her, but I'm pretty sure she avoided any real jail time or anything too permanent on her record, maybe 1st offenders idk, bc she seems to be doing well for herself now (and is many years into recovery as well). I was freaking out at the time bc I wasn't sure if the police were going to do a full investigation and compare times the dea number had been used compared to the dr's own log, but I'm pretty sure the dr didn't want to push the case much further..I know he had a lot of sympathy for my friend (despite definitely firing her ass)...I would've been in deep shit had that had happened but I'm pretty sure I'm good seeing as this was almost a decade ago.

Man oh man, I've escaped some shit as well. I had a connection that lived about 2 hours south of me that was crazy cheap for morphine 30mg er's. Now, a lot of pillheads dislike thosebc they're on the weaker side and morphine based opiates tend to be a bit different, and some consider less intense, high than codone based opiates..and the lady I got them from (the mother of an old coworker I had who had a number of health problems and chronic pain issues) was prescribed 180 of them a month on top of 90 10mg dilaudid for breakthrough pain....yeah, a whole shitload. She lived off of disability and sold her pills for income and began to get paranoid about her family and others in the small bumblefuck town she lived in, so she began exclusively selling to me..and selling to me very very cheap. Since it was a nearly 2 hour drive there (and 2 hour drive back), this wasn't a trip I wanted to do daily, so I often went down once a week and bought 20+ at a time. Now, even though these were all for me (i would sell maybe 5 total out of the whole batch...and not always)...I know, had I been pulled over and searched, I would've been hit with a plethora of charges..definitely including intent to distribute..it's hard to argue that 40 morphine pills are for your personal use, I have parents who are upper middle class and surely would've gotten me a lawyer who prob would've been able to use the fact that it was my first drug charge to get me to plead down to first offenders, or get all the pills consolodated into one charge, or get me drug court, or something surely, but it sure would've sucked. One of my buddies plead first offenders after getting stung when he was 19 at a show selling molly...he's now 32 and just now getting his record sealed after being a saint for nearly a decade despite not being able to get a decent paying job bc of his felon status, or go to school even.

Oy, this is good stuff to think about as I romanticize about drug use..
 
ladyhlove said:
Yeah, it used to be crazy.

I lived up in Seattle and had a friend who wasn't a doctor, np, or even a nurse but was a doctor's personal assistant and he trusted her enough to have his DEA number and had her call in prescriptions for him at pharmacy's all the time out of laziness. So, naturally, being a the true dumbass she was she began writing herself, and people she knew, controlled substances. Her bf was add but without insurance or a dr up there so she wrote him adderaal scrips, she wrote herself and myself opiate scrips once a week. We'd switch pharmacies so they wouldn't be able to keep track. This must've been before the SMD as well, not sure when that came about, because we never had any issues. Until she got dumb one day and decided to use a pharmacy right down the street from her dr's office (something she always said would be what got her caught..but they were one of the only 24 hour ones around and she was desperate at 2am). The pharmacist immediately called the dr's personal cell number, having it since they got some many prescriptions from that dr being so close to the office, and the gig was up. The pharmacist told her to wait the usual 15 min for fill, and promptly called the police. Her bf, who was waiting in the car outside, claimed to see her go in...2 officers come in 10 min later, and then all of them leave...together. I'm not sure exactly what happened to her, but I'm pretty sure she avoided any real jail time or anything too permanent on her record, maybe 1st offenders idk, bc she seems to be doing well for herself now (and is many years into recovery as well). I was freaking out at the time bc I wasn't sure if the police were going to do a full investigation and compare times the dea number had been used compared to the dr's own log, but I'm pretty sure the dr didn't want to push the case much further..I know he had a lot of sympathy for my friend (despite definitely firing her ass)...I would've been in deep shit had that had happened but I'm pretty sure I'm good seeing as this was almost a decade ago.

Man oh man, I've escaped some shit as well. I had a connection that lived about 2 hours south of me that was crazy cheap for morphine 30mg er's. Now, a lot of pillheads dislike thosebc they're on the weaker side and morphine based opiates tend to be a bit different, and some consider less intense, high than codone based opiates..and the lady I got them from (the mother of an old coworker I had who had a number of health problems and chronic pain issues) was prescribed 180 of them a month on top of 90 10mg dilaudid for breakthrough pain....yeah, a whole shitload. She lived off of disability and sold her pills for income and began to get paranoid about her family and others in the small bumblefuck town she lived in, so she began exclusively selling to me..and selling to me very very cheap. Since it was a nearly 2 hour drive there (and 2 hour drive back), this wasn't a trip I wanted to do daily, so I often went down once a week and bought 20+ at a time. Now, even though these were all for me (i would sell maybe 5 total out of the whole batch...and not always)...I know, had I been pulled over and searched, I would've been hit with a plethora of charges..definitely including intent to distribute..it's hard to argue that 40 morphine pills are for your personal use, I have parents who are upper middle class and surely would've gotten me a lawyer who prob would've been able to use the fact that it was my first drug charge to get me to plead down to first offenders, or get all the pills consolodated into one charge, or get me drug court, or something surely, but it sure would've sucked. One of my buddies plead first offenders after getting stung when he was 19 at a show selling molly...he's now 32 and just now getting his record sealed after being a saint for nearly a decade despite not being able to get a decent paying job bc of his felon status, or go to school even.

Oy, this is good stuff to think about as I romanticize about drug use..
Click to expand...

That's crazy. Super pedantic and basically irrelevant note on terminology - "codone based" opiates doesn't make much sense, oxycodone is totally synthetic and is made from thebaine which is found in opium but the "codone" doesn't refer to its structure or molecular class, oxycodone is just a name. Since heroin itself is "morphine-based" claiming that morphine-based opioids are somehow generally weaker than others is pretty silly. Just thought I'd point it out since "codone-based" is a redundant descriptive term as it just refers to one single opioid and not a class. I could understand why people would prefer drugs like oxycodone or oxymorphone or hydromorphone to plain old morphine though, its just that terminology doesn't make sense.

And yeah, romanticising is something I'm totally guilty of as well. A couple of days of insidious romantic thoughts usually precede a relapse, so I try and be mindful to nip them in the bud before they can take hold. It's crazy how we have to literally force our brains to remember the misery & despair but they will naturally & effortlessly remember the highs we had when we first started, even when the period where our using was miserable was not only much more recent but also lasted longer than the incredible highs ever did. Ah well, that's the reward system for you!
 
My bad should have said "codeine" based. And there absolutely is a difference in morphine based opiates and codeine based opiates. Sure, there's varying strength of both...codeine itself isn't going to be as stong as say, oxymorphone (opana) but oxycodone of the same strength is going to feel like a more intense high, imo, than the oxymorphone. You're right, heroin IS of the morphine variety and, imo, a heroin high is not nearly as intense as the high from, say, the high I'd get from a comparable dose of oxycodone...but I ended up going the heroin route eventually bc I could not afford the amount of codeine based drugs to get to the tolerance I had built for myself. I guess it's a preference thing but, to me anyways, morphine based drugs gave me a bit more mellow high...I'd feel it but not so intensely, but other symptoms (like nodding out) were stronger on those drugs. Codeine based drugs always gave me much much more euphoria than morphine based drugs and always made me seem more "fucked up" than morphine based drugs. I remember an old dealer I had (who sucked, btw...overcharged like a mf..def my last resort when it came to buying) who usually sold the blue 30mg roxy's but couldn't find any for awhile and ended up coming across some 40mg opanas. Apparently like all of his customers hated the opanas (bc they weren't as intense as the roxys) so he ended up practically giving the rest away to me...so I know it isn't just me that notices less euphoria from morphine based drugs. Also, I read once that there's a certain percentage of people out there who get very little effects from morphine based drugs...and some who get great effects, I think I may lean towards that one bc I've always enjoyed them despite the diminished euphoria..still beat being sober and I could usually get them for a much lower price.
 
And to address your brain having to work to remember bad thoughts, but good memories coming so easily...it's a psychological term called "Rosy Retrospection" and it's pretty common for us humans to do to a variety of things. It's the same psychological phenomena that makes it so women want to have another child, despite possibly having a traumatic and/or very painful birth with their first child. The human mind tends to remember past events in the best light it can..usually the good feelings are remembered, but the bad feelings are forgotten. Things often seem "not so bad" in retrospection to someone, but in the reality of the situation, they seemed very distressed. It's the same reason so many people go back to shitty exes...they eventually forget all the shit that they once disliked about them and only the good traits are remembered. In other words, something has to be REALLY BAD for you to remember it that way. You know, I've had some really REALLY bad withdrawals in my day, but I always seem to go back...

Not this time! Not yet anyways! One month on the 'done today. 70mg seems like it's doing me well...I'm not waking up sick anymore. Maybe it's a placebo effect, but this new multivitamin I began at the beginning of the week seems to really be working. Check out what's in these bad boys:
url


I probably won't be around much this weekend. I have the bf coming up all weekend and we've got quite a few plans. There's a big scifi/anime/video game/all around nerdery convention every labor day here in Atlanta called DragonCon that's basically just a giant nerd party downtown that we're gonna hang a little at tomorrow. Not sure about Sunday, but Monday my friends are doing our annual Labor Day river tubing trip down the Chattahooche which should be a blast. AND, best of all, I get an extra takehome day at the clinic (YAY!)

OH! And I just gotta pass next month's UA (thc is ok :) ) and I get another take home and I phase up. Moving up :) How they allow people to pass with THC in their urine in a state that is very much NOT LEGAL, but I love it (and do not plan on switching clinics EVER). Gonna use my new takehome on sat, for sure, bc that's the hardest day to get up before 10am.

Anyways, hope everyone has a lovely labor day weekend. I got a big deadline today at 5pm so I gotta start finishing up this big work project. Much love BL
url

url
 
Hm my image didn't work. Trying again

vitadone_90ct_vli205_label-e1472043016570.jpg


Edit: there we go.

What y'all think? Am I taking the good stuff?

A, my pee is totally neon yellow btw
 
Vitamins are a must on methadone. I tried a few until I settled on Garden of Life green super food . Anything with b complex is good too. I would get lazy and stop a day or two and I could really tell I stopped it . Once I started it again I would get instant natural energy. I hated otc energy pills and drinks. They interacted with my methadone in some way .
 
I'm a coffee junkie, hik, and lately I've been drinking so much...my tolerance is high high high, I could drink 3 shots of espresso and still take a nap. Ridiculous.

buuut...after 5 days on this new vitamin, I feel great. A TON more energy. Like I said, could be a placebo effect, but I used to come home and immediately take a nap and the past couple of days I have been lasting until bedtime every night.
 
ladyhlove said:
OH! And I just gotta pass next month's UA (thc is ok :) ) and I get another take home and I phase up. Moving up :) How they allow people to pass with THC in their urine in a state that is very much NOT LEGAL, but I love it (and do not plan on switching clinics EVER). Gonna use my new takehome on sat, for sure, bc that's the hardest day to get up before 10am.
Click to expand...

Yes!

Do try to stick to your take home schedule though (somehow I missed that first time I saw this - the excitement about you getting take homes just made me kinda, well, excited).

Enjoy nerdfest %)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hi ladyhlove, how do you feel lately? I quit oxy 2 months ago and find it impossible to enjoy anything at all..
 
Hope you have a good weekend LHL. Where are you tubing on the Chattahoochee? Up in the mountains near Helen? The Chattahoochee around Atlanta always makes me of spent condoms and used needles, but that may just be my recollection from the early 1980s. It could have been cleaned up in the 35 or so years since. I was never brave enough to tube down the Chattahoochee in the mountains. I'm thin-skinned and that water is so cold! I get chilled tubing down the Ichetucknee River near Lake City, FL and that water is 72 degrees year round.
 
Hello Lady,

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, and I hope you're having a wonderful weekend with your man and your bad self. ; )

Big hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Hey yall!

I need a 4 day weekend, I'll tell ya what. Meh.

Weekend was very good but I imbibed a bit sat and sun and felt pretty awful yesterday and am still kind of recovering today too because 2 day hangovers are a thing when you're 32. Dragon Con was a blast Saturday and Sunday a buddy of mine wanted me to take him down about an hour south to this big labor day house party/music video shoot where the home's owners had a pool. an adult slip n slide, a rented giant 100 ft high inflatable water slide...the works. This friend I gave a lift to just happened to grow up with my bf (who I had met on tinder, actually, we just happened to already have a number of mutual friends despite living 45 miles away from each other) so the party ended up being a bunch of ppl I didn't really know, but who had all grown up with and were still friends with my bf so I was accepted into the group immediately and had a really good time.

Went tubing yesterday, which was fun of course...but my hangover made it a little bleh. At that point I was just ready to go home and sleep but I ponyed up. A, we actually did the part through the city but, yes, the river is in much better shape than it was a long time ago. The Chattahoochee River Keeper has been established since then, its a nonprofit that constantly monitors the water quality of the river. Parts of it are still not good to be in, but thats further south...towards the actual city. You just have to go up to the burbs about 20-30 north of the city and the water quality is fine. A good buddy of mine (the one who actually organized the tubing trip) is actually a biologist for that non-profit I just mentioned and every year we do a cleanup in the really bad part...past 6 flags and all that..but we stay safely in kayaks/canoes the whole time...but you can find some crazy stuff down there...essentially anything you can think of is down there in those waters..they even found a body one year (before i started doing the cleanups). Would've fucked me up for sure.

Hope everyone's week is well!
 
Also, in keeping as the queen of TMI:

I finally started my damn period after an almost 4 month stoppage so that has be feeling quite relieved. Guess my hormones are getting back to normal after a month without dope (well cept that one time...)
 
Sounds like you had a great weekend, LHL. I do river and lake cleanups in Central Florida too. I remember I was out with friends on the Econlockhatchee River east of Orlando and there were these boys who couldn't be more than about 14 smoking a joint and drinking Bud Lite and setting tires on fire and rolling them down into the river. That's probably the most carefree and fun they're going to be in their entire lives :\ There was another incident on the Econ (I wasn't there) with my friend who is an outfitter and guide that involved some drunk asshole on a jet ski threatening him and he had to shoot the guy with a flare gun to keep him from crashing into his kayak at 60mph. This was before all the "Stand Your Ground" nonsense but my friend wasn't charged, but the other guy was arrested for drunken boating, which carries the same penalties as a DUI in Florida. When I was a grad student at Florida State, the student scuba club cleaned out a sinkhole south of Tallahassee as a service project and we found some really weird shit in there, too. A cemetery headstone and a motorcycle were the two things that stick in my mind. Never found a body, though. Parts of the eastern Panhandle are riddled with sinkholes and submerged caves and it never fails that there are multiple fatalities a year involving divers who lack proper cave diving training drowning in those caves. I don't think I could handle being a part of those recovery operations.
 
Ugh. I still don't feel right from Saturday/Sunday's drink-fest. This is why I never drink like that anymore....fucking three day hangover, are you kidding me?? I'm nowhere near as bad as I was Monday morning, or yesterday morning even...but I'm still not 100%. My hangover was so bad Monday that I had a hard time eating anything (didn't eat anything from sunday night till lunch yesterday aka tuesday) or even keeping water down. I know eating and drinking water is the quickest way to recovery, I just couldn't put it down Monday (or much of it yesterday even). I know that that is why I feel this way...if I had eaten Monday and drank more water both Monday and yesterday, I wouldn't be feeling like this still...ugh. but alas...One thing is that I've been sweating like crazy, something that usually happens to me when hungover but I think it's a million times worse being on methadone. Monday night sweat was just pouring from my body no matter how cold it made me. I woke up in puddles of it yesterday morning.


Besides all that...still doing well. Still only on methadone...still on the 70mg. Seems to be holding me just fine and I feel stable (other than my nasty lingering hangover). Dr. and I are supposed to evaluate my dosage next Tues (we're re-checking my status every 2 weeks between doses now instead of every other day like they did until i got to 50mg) but I think this is where I will stay. 70 makes me feel fine...no cravings really (well minor ones, but they pass), and my night wd don't seem to be popping up anymore. Think I may be at my perfect dose. Haven't tried dope since getting this high on methadone, but I would imagine this is prob a blocking dose? Not sure about that...there's conflicting reports on the internet...some say 60mg blocks, some say it doesn't until you get above 80 or 90...so idk. The one time I relapsed, I had taken my takehome on top of my regular dose, for 100mg total, and i didn't feel shit from the dope the next day, so it def seems like 100mg blocks for me, but not sure if 70mg does. I don't plan on experimenting with that, btw, because I really don't feel like having to readjust to a lower dosage again.

I have a ton of work this week and, seeing as I feel meh, I don't feel like doing any of it. I really hope I'm feeling better tomorrow...le sigh...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top