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Mental Health Borderline personality disorder

cj

cj

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
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I just got out of the phych hospital yesterday after a suicide attempt. Another failure. That sucks. They gave me the bpd diagnosis this time. I don't feel like it fits. They barely know me. Anyone else have this one? I don't think I'm that difficult to get along with though it fits in some areas like romance. Just trying to make sense of it at this point.
 
I have BPD as well - some things fit perfectly and others don't... even if you don't have it, DBT therapy is very helpful even if you just have some traits.
By the way, glad you are alive <3 suicide attempts are so difficult to deal with.
 
cj said:
I just got out of the phych hospital yesterday after a suicide attempt. Another failure. That sucks. They gave me the bpd diagnosis this time. I don't feel like it fits. They barely know me. Anyone else have this one? I don't think I'm that difficult to get along with though it fits in some areas like romance. Just trying to make sense of it at this point.
Click to expand...
Do you see a psychiatrist on the reg? I’ve never gotten a formal evaluation or diagnosis after a psych ward trip, it’s always been after months or sometimes years of working with someone..
Hang in there
 
Yeah I'm in a partial hospitalization program right now where I see a phychiatrist twice a week. Honestly the diagnosis makes sense the more I thought about it. Repeat suicide attempts inability to maintain relationships unstable self vision. It all fits. Except I'm not an asshole. Most borderlines come off to people as unlikeable according to literature. I've never had an issue with being likeable
 
I just relapsed on cutting for the first time since the hospital. Things have been steadily getting worse in my head for about a week and this morning I finally cracked. It feels really good no matter how I try to tell myself it's bad. I signed a contract with php saying I wouldn't cut so I don't even think I can bring it up at group. Not that any of them really understand self harm. I tried to tell them in needed to be admitted inpatient on Thursday but they blew me off. Maybe if I show up with extremely sliced up arms Monday someone will believe me about how depressed I am.

I threw away my propanolol because it's easy to kill yourself with. Someone died from 450mg where I had over 600mg in the bottle. No idea why phych doc would send a suicidal person home with a bottle of dangerous meds is very smart. I've been honest about feeling suicidal but no one is taking me seriously. I don't want to attempt because I'm not looking to die I just want the pain to stop. I dread life. I want it to go away. If that means death then so be it
 
Whoa sounds like some major bad on their part.

I guess yeah showing them the arm, telling them about the meds and that you threw it out, suicidality, and whatever else.
 
Thanks ho chi Minh. I hate feeling like a drama queen. But things are really bad right now.
 
This is YOUR LIFE and you search for yourself until you find peace! Make them do their JOB! Ask for 2, 3,4, 5th opinion until you are satisfied. Which ever mental health professional you trust ask them to show you a list of disorders that mimic BPD. Then ask that you work through each dx until you?ve exhausted every possibility. Read OldMacs last paragraph and then research because it is fact we all have traits. Some of us just swing more in one direction. In addition thanks to the 80s, Hollywood, media, BPD people are misrepresented as incurable monsters. Some of my closest friends are BPD and are AMAZING SUCCESSFUL BRILLIANT PEOPLE!


I read how much pain you are in but please remember there is another way. You can message me anytime. I don?t have the answers but I know how to listen. When I start feeling the chains rattle I listen to this on replay until I feel balance. Hope it helps
https://youtu.be/MciYE2u4S3w

 
I have this. I can relate a lot to what cj is saying. I am charming like you mentioned about yourself or like not having trouble socializing. Apart from having no confidence with women, that just isn't really a part of my life anymore and I guess I have to accept it. Had one 5 year relationship that was lovely but fell apart. My BPD symptoms got way worse with the hard drug use when I graduated from weed and psychs to heroin and many benzos and occasionally railing the stimulants. I feel like all of it cumulatively fried me when I was screwed from the start. I have chronic back pain that is pretty much all in my head, I wonder if that is correlated with BPD.
I don't think I will live to see my 30th birthday. I have a tendency to snap and one of these times I'm going to snap my neck. It's always internally directed and I started cutting into my arm recently after a long time of not doing so.
I am a benzo addict and I can't handle being low on benzos I freak. I am in a nasty life situation right now and the stress has led me to dissociate. I feel like I could die right now and not even give a fuck, it would be a relief.
I'm bored of everything. I've smoked enough weed. I've ran out of weed enough times. I've lost most of my friends and never see the others anymore. I always feel like the odd one out, the black sheep. The mood swings make me a hysteric. I've only ever really been happy in life when I was using klonopin and heroin. Eventually those started to not work so well anymore and I ran out of money.

I spent the last 2 days staring at the ceiling. I got out to a double hot yoga class tonight but nothing helps. I am very lonely, I wish I was not a romantic person as I can't take care of myself without the drugs and I always seem to be low because it's hard to work with BPD. Seems like people just hate me, think I'm stupid as fuck and someone to toy with. Until I snap that is as what's the harm in picking a good old fist fight. I'm almost 30 now and it has been 10 years too long of a life for me. I truly cannot handle it anymore and I'm not interested in detoxing off benzos. I already quit heroin oxy dilaudid that shit and it ruined my life. I'm not spending this incarnation in fucking withdrawal. I'm done. Every damn day I get closer to breaking my fuckin skull open.
 
Someone can have traits of BPD without having the whole personality disorder diagnosis. Many times personality disorders come along with other disorders. For example, Bipolar with BPD traits.

I don't know, but my guess is it's the self-harm that the med professionals are looking at when they're telling you BPD.
 
BPD...it was more of a mess when I was in my 20s. There was a constant emptiness inside that I tried to fill with dating different men. Of course dating doesn't fill that void. It feels good in the moment, but I was searching for love that I could never find. I was very impulsive which caused me to overdose after an argument with my mom. Luckily, she knocked on the door to see if I was all right, came in my room and found me. She called the ambulance and I woke up in the hospital surrounded by family. Good times...

Now in my 30s, the BPD seems to have calmed down. I'm not impulsive and going around looking for someone to fill a void anymore. I literally used to toss and turn at night in emotional and physical pain from feeling emptiness and such a longing...I was craving someone/something all the time.

I believe things will get better, You might start to even out with age, just don't give up on yourself! Someone mentioned DBT therapy, definitely get into that. It's very helpful for BPD.
 
About suicide...you think you want to die, but you really don't. There is a reason for you to live or God would have let you die. Be thankful you are still alive. I was suicidal for many years, but that has passed. Believe it or not, there is a spiritual battle going on.

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant, for your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."

The devil is looking to devour those of us who get depressed/suicidal. Those type of people are easy prey. Do not give in. You see how many people are committing suicide these days. Hopefully, you can build your faith and be strong. If you stay in peace, the devil can't trick you and mess with your mind. I think it's necessary to believe in something in order to survive this. Stay alive.
 
Heard this message today and just wanted to share it in this thread.
No matter what you've been through, you are loved and valuable. Your life is important. Be good to yourselves. <3


Miracles Out Of Mistakes

https://youtu.be/eitH1oP01sc
 
cj said:
I just got out of the phych hospital yesterday after a suicide attempt. Another failure. That sucks. They gave me the bpd diagnosis this time. I don't feel like it fits. They barely know me. Anyone else have this one? I don't think I'm that difficult to get along with though it fits in some areas like romance. Just trying to make sense of it at this point.
Click to expand...

There's quite a lot of criticism at the increasing use of BPD diagnoses as a coverall for all kinds of patient issues. And any diagnosis is only as 'good' as the person issuing it, which leaves it open to an enormous chasm of interpretation and subjectivity.
 
cj said:
I tried to tell them in needed to be admitted inpatient on Thursday but they blew me off. Maybe if I show up with extremely sliced up arms Monday someone will believe me about how depressed I am.
Click to expand...

That's fucked up. They're not doing you justice. If things are that bad you could always call 911 and tell them that you're going to kill yourself. That's pretty much a sure way to get sectioned. I'm not sure if that would help you to get into inpatient tho.
 
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