Recovery I finally asked for help, still need a lot more though.

[Cake541]

I've spent my whole life dealing with depression, bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, shit social and a family that was lacking in a lot of understanding and care. I've basically traded one addiction for another in a yearly downward spiral of a binge. When I hit what I assumed was rock bottom or I had an eye opening event due to my addiction I would make a change. Sometimes I was sober, or I cutback, or o traded off and started the cycle again.

Now I'm at the lowest. I got on meth after moving accross the country for work. I was decieved and ended up stuck with nothing and no one but my fiance. We moved in with some kids and they were tweakers. A 16 year old kid handed me a pookie because I was tired from working graveyard. Now a year later I can't function without it and worse than that I have began to use by IV.

I am going in the morning to a Dr to start a rehab program and discuss my options but I'm afraid I will fail due to my fiance continuing to use and the town I live in is literally overflowing with dope. I've barely even paid for it, it's handed out like candy and everyone's doing it.

I need any advice or encouragement I can get because I don't know if I even know what life is like when your sober anymore. It sucks to realize that I lost control forever ago and I've been blind to it until I was dying and lost almost everything...

 

[Ds]

hey cake541! welcome to bluelight!! trust me dude you are not alone, I did not travel 600?miles from home to go to a treatment center, it's really where my addiction took me. like you man I traded 1 addiction for another before I found out that I am an alcoholic, I used to think naw I only did drugs, until I was broke, homeless, sleeping in recycling bins, shelters, on bedbug infested mattresses, hell sometimes I would wake up in bushes or behind dumpsters not knowing how I got there, what I did notice was every time I took a drink the blacking out would happen, because when I drink, I drink hard, I drink until I cannot function and blackout. it was the only way I knew how to go about my day. eat breakfast @ a soup kitchen, go pan handle $ for booze, eat lunch at soup kitchen, catch the working folks on their lunch and panhandle, same thing for dinner, and 'come to' on the other side of town, sometimes without pants or shoes on.

it wasn't until I came to one morning shaking, and trying to drink a hot beer to help with the shakes when that shit wouldn't help, id throw up, and theres not a feeling like not being able to control the shakes/dts with alcohol and it's not working. so I was scared man, so I lifted that 1,000lb phone and called for help, and put myself in a drug/alcohol treatment program. I was not local, had no insurance, nothing to my name, and was able to find a treatment center.

slowly things did get better, because A I had a bed, I had food(knew where my next meal was coming from), had used a cloths closet to get cloths, hygiene products, and free health care when I would get sick. I was ready man to do something different, I had no other options, and I sure as hell wasn't about to kill myself. I knew how happy I was in the past when I was sober, and I wanted that!
So I got a sponsor who was kind of young like me, and started working the steps. I was able to face a lot of fears, and give them over to my higher power.

You can get sober any where, I'm sure you know that. Hell I'm an example of getting sober in a town where all I know about is drinking and doing drugs, and this city isn't even my home (until now). If you do need to relocate then more power to you man, if your fianc? don't understand what you are trying to do, and wont respect you for trying to get clean then you might to really take a look at it.

I know you can do it!! Get sober for you =)

 

[simco]

Hey OP, congrats on taking some big steps in your recovery. Seeking help is a really good place to start...I hope you'll let us know how the rehab program turns out.

Having an addicted partner during recovery is a common problem, and unfortunately it's a pretty thorny one. See how things go in the upcoming weeks (as you get into the rehab program, which I'm assuming is outpatient...correct?). But it may become clear that some change in your relationship is necessary.

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things unfold. Partly because I'm pulling for you and will be eager to hear what's up, and partly because for many people around here, posting about their progress and challenges on SL is helpful in its own right. If you're up for it, I encourage you to use this thread (or another) as a recovery journal. A recovery journal can be whatever you want it to be, whether its on BL or anywhere else.

Good luck, man. You can do this

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Have you considered marijuana for PTSD? You live in Oregon; it's an option.

Hope you can pull through.

 

[Cake541]

So since I posted here's what's happened...

The day after I went to my intake for rehab (outpatient) DCS showed up at our house and are making us have someone stay with us until they can decide what to do. They came because some asshole tweakers we had kicked out called on us. So it's a double edged sword because they act like they want to help but now I have the stress of losing my daughter on top of trying to get clean.

The people staying with us are new to the area and we haven't ever met until DCS came into the picture so it's weird. But they are supportive and seem cool and very anti meth.

Me and my fiance relapsed 3 days ago, I barely did any and didn't IV. then I was guilt ridden, felt wierdly tired like I was going to have sleep paralysis. I passed out and didn't get out of bed until today.

As far as the marijuana goes I use it occasionally but with my tolerance being low and coming down off meth it just puts me into a coma lol. I'm trying to find a sweet spot to avoid the tiredness and help me stay calm and lessen my cravings for dope...

And thank you all for sharing and being supportive!

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Cake-

I am sorry to hear you're struggling this way. I understand and am sending positive vibes and a hug.

The stress of DCS has to be overwhelming. I know you can and will turn this around. It's a process.

Im trying to limp through to my appt w Sub Dr on March 23rd. Im feeling overwhelmed and very shaky. Not only due to the wait but it costs alot of money.

I have to count every dime this month. I wish you and your family all the best.

 

[Cake541]

Thanks for all the support. I'm 5 days sober today and starting to feel a little better. I'm waiting on DCS to get here and see what they are wanting to do from here. They are super late and didn't answer the phone which pisses me off.

The person they have doing protective action and watching our daughter since we are "incapable" is on my last nerve. She just takes our daughter back to her house with 6 kids and doesn't let us know where she's going. Acts like this is an inconvenience to her most of all and on top of that our daughter is sick for the first time, probably from all the other kids and being in her nasty house. Shit is really lame.

I hope they hurry and clear us so we don't have to deal with the BS anymore.