Advice

[sos123sos]

Hi everyone!

As I've said in some other posts I made on this forum today, I'm very, very new to the world of drug use. I've experimented a bit with MDMA (powder), XTC, weed (I faint from smoking that shit), ... I recently got into using coke. The problem is that I seem to have lost the little self control I had. I've always been prone to addiction, from alcohol to tobacco, but I fear that the way I'm handling my usage of cocaine might really get out of hand... I get it from someone I trust for 99%, I know he gives me good coke, I know the quality is good, I know the high I get from it is amazing, but that's the problem... Today, I used coke alone for the first time, and I haven't stopped yet. Every time the effects seem to start wearing off, I just do more. I love this feeling, but I have to work tonight (at the moment I'm typing this it's 10:30am, I have to start work at 7pm, so I have enough time to sober up before work). The problem is I don't ever want to be sober again, and the biggest problem about that is I KNOW it's a wrong way to think. I just need some support, perhaps some advice on how to stay in control of how much I use... I can't go to work high, it's just a bar work in, so most people probably wouldn't even notice, but my boss is hardcore against drugs of any kind, so I really can't risk working on coke, no mather how much I would like to, that would be the end of my job...

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant, any and all tips or advice are more than welcome, even just a litle supportive word would mean the world to me right now.

 

[MrRoot]

I am pretty much in a same situation as you as it seems to menthat I don't want to live totally sober life.

I have recently quitted using opiates and now is the 29th day without them. Also I have quitted using benzos and other gabaergic substances.

I use MDMA once in every few months and some amphetamine in between those MDMA binges. Probably a half gram of speed every week or two.

I know that isn't much but still I would like to pursue sober living but it seems to me I can't yet handle every dull moment in my life. It is the boring aspect of normal life that I am afraid of and I need to think coping strategies for everyday life which doesn't involve drugs but I relapse every now and then for amphetamine which oddly wasn't my choice of drugs when doing opiates.

I don't bother about quitting MDMA use but I would like to get rid of other stimulants.

You are not alone here struggling with your use if it helps and we have some wonderful people here in BL who support each other.

 

[simco]

How involved in your life is the person you get your drugs from? If they aren't too close (e.g. a direct family member), a place to start is to try to block contact with him or her (in both directions). This doesn't touch any of the roots of the problem, but imposing a higher barrier to scoring can actually be quite effective, as part of a larger strategy for quitting/reducing.

Have you tried quitting or cutting back, to see how it feels? It sounds like this aspect of your cocaine usage is fairly new. If so, that's good in that a shorter-lived habit is often easier to change than a deeply ingrained one.

At a higher level of strategy, it might be worth laying down some goals for yourself with respect to recovery. Do you want to quit coke altogether or just moderate? Do you want to quit all drugs? What does a healthy life look like to you?

When I was still actively using and couldn't get any traction on quitting someone told me something that really helped (though it took me a couple of years before I listened to it): get committed to your recovery. Quitting habits such as these is hard business. For many of us, we have to dig pretty deep to find the strength to do what's best.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi everyone!

As I've said in some other posts I made on this forum today, I'm very, very new to the world of drug use. I've experimented a bit with MDMA (powder), XTC, weed (I faint from smoking that shit), ... I recently got into using coke. The problem is that I seem to have lost the little self control I had. I've always been prone to addiction, from alcohol to tobacco, but I fear that the way I'm handling my usage of cocaine might really get out of hand... I get it from someone I trust for 99%, I know he gives me good coke, I know the quality is good, I know the high I get from it is amazing, but that's the problem... Today, I used coke alone for the first time, and I haven't stopped yet. Every time the effects seem to start wearing off, I just do more. I love this feeling, but I have to work tonight (at the moment I'm typing this it's 10:30am, I have to start work at 7pm, so I have enough time to sober up before work). The problem is I don't ever want to be sober again, and the biggest problem about that is I KNOW it's a wrong way to think. I just need some support, perhaps some advice on how to stay in control of how much I use... I can't go to work high, it's just a bar work in, so most people probably wouldn't even notice, but my boss is hardcore against drugs of any kind, so I really can't risk working on coke, no mather how much I would like to, that would be the end of my job...

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant, any and all tips or advice are more than welcome, even just a litle supportive word would mean the world to me right now.

This reminds me of when I fell in love with cocaine. It makes me shudder thinking back to when I actually thought "I want to feel like this forever" after getting really high on cocaine.

Please be careful with cocaine. It is one of those rare drugs where use is really black and white for me. My tendency is to use cocaine until there is no cocaine/money/friends left, so I just can't use it. I mean, to each one's own, but I really resonated with how you discussed your budding relationship with cocaine.

The other thing is that there are lots of other far more wonderful drugs out there than cocaine. I don't know how anyone is able to control their cocaine use, although I've met plenty of people who seem to manage it more or less fine. You'll have to figure out what class of cocaine user you fall into.

I'd suggest being very careful about your friend giving you cocaine. Generally these kinds of people aren't friends so much as people who are using you to make money or fund their own habit. Not always of course, but the relationship isn't a normal friendship in most cases.

How do you normally use cocaine? That info might help us give you better advice. How long has it been since you first used cocaine?

 

[sos123sos]

Edit: I meant this to be a quote/reaction so simco's answer fyi.

The person who gets me the coke isn't all too involved, he's just an ex-colleague, but still a friend (not as in best friends, but we do meet up from time to time to just have a drink at a bar). Because he's a friend first, not just my dealer (he just sells to me at the exact price he buys, so he doesn't make a profit on what I use), we've come to an arrangement. In case I should come to realise I'm using too much at any given time, I'll tell him and he won't sell me anything for at least a month. This, plus the fact that I wouldn't really know where else to get coke besides him, makes me fairly confident that things shouldn't get out of hand...

At the moment I live in an appartment with 2 good friends, 1 of these has a fair bit of experience with coke, so I know I can count on him. He has seen me on coke 1 or 2 times, and he's seen the comedowns I've had after being on coke for a night at least 5 times. He also knows damn well what it feels like both to be high and to recover after a little bender. This friend (let's call him John), is my main backup in case I go too far. I have a deal with him. If (or when) John notices that I'm using too much, or am in danger of actually getting addicted, I'll give whatever coke I have left to him. He's been sober for about 3 years, and I trust him with my life, so I also trust that he won't use my stuff while holding onto it. This way, he can help moderate how much I use, and help me find out how much and how often I can use without it interfering with my personal life/work.

As you say, I am pretty new to using coke (or any drugs in general really). The problem however is that I know myself as a person with not too much willpower when it comes to stuff like this. Simple example, 5 out of 7 days a week I go to bed with after having at least 4-6 bears. The "industry" I work in (I work full time in the catering industry -mostly in a restaurant, 1-2 times a week in a bar from the same owner-) is also a dangerous one concerning substance abuse. I'm lucky enough to live and work in a small town, but I still go the bar pretty much every day. Still, I'm happy I don't work in a city, I've got a lot of friends living and working in Brussels, literally 90% of these friends are on coke at least half the time they're at work, I know myself well enough to be sure I'd be on coke 75% of my work time if I worked there. But even in the small town I work I see that most people working full time in restaurants or bars are pretty much full blown alcoholics. After work they all meet up in the bar (same bar I work in 1 or 2 nights a week), they get wasted, the drink some more after that, then they drive home and get back to work about 5 or 6 hours later. This all to say that at the moment I'm pretty much using my career choice as an excuse to drink too much, and too experiment a bit with drug usage. Also to explain to you that I fear this short-lived habit may very well grow into an ingrained habit within the course of a couple months, so I'm worried about that. Though, to be honest, I don't really care all too much, because emotionally/mentally I'm not exactly at the bests place in my life right now. (since I'm venting and writing way too much right now, I might as well keep going, so her comes. One of my best friends killed himself in the middle of may 2017, I haven't really got over it, but I'm at the stage where most of the sadness has turned into pure anger and hatred, so maybe that has something to do with why I'm trying some stuff at this point.

For your next question. My goal isn't to quit coke (or drugs in general). I'd just like to keep doing some drugs, purely for fun, at festivals or parties. I want to find which drugs are right for me, which drugs I can handle, while still staying in control of how much and how often I use. So I don't want to get 100% sober, I just don't want to get addicted on any drug.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the advice, I appreciate it a lot!

 

[sos123sos]

This reminds me of when I fell in love with cocaine. It makes me shudder thinking back to when I actually thought "I want to feel like this forever" after getting really high on cocaine.

Please be careful with cocaine. It is one of those rare drugs where use is really black and white for me. My tendency is to use cocaine until there is no cocaine/money/friends left, so I just can't use it. I mean, to each one's own, but I really resonated with how you discussed your budding relationship with cocaine.

The other thing is that there are lots of other far more wonderful drugs out there than cocaine. I don't know how anyone is able to control their cocaine use, although I've met plenty of people who seem to manage it more or less fine. You'll have to figure out what class of cocaine user you fall into.

I'd suggest being very careful about your friend giving you cocaine. Generally these kinds of people aren't friends so much as people who are using you to make money or fund their own habit. Not always of course, but the relationship isn't a normal friendship in most cases.

How do you normally use cocaine? That info might help us give you better advice. How long has it been since you first used cocaine?

The first thing I'd like to adress is about my friend giving me coke. This is a proper, genuine friend. We've know each other since long before I know he even used coke, and it was me who first asked him to get me a little too. Now, when I want some coke, I just ask him in person, and he charges me the same price his dealer charges him, so he doesn't get a profit from selling it to me (apart from his dealer liking him more because he buys more). So as far as that goes, you don't have to worry.

Next. I don't want to become a "cocaine user". I just want to experiment a bit, try some drugs, see what I like and still be in charge of how much and when I use something. I realise that I'm getting very close to becoming a regular user at the moment (if it isn't the case already). I mean, minutes before I went to check on responses here I did a line of coke, so it's probably already too late for me not to be considered a user. My goal after posting this thread was not to use coke for at least a month and I already failed, not even one week later so yeah...
These past few days i've been thinking a lot about how I want to handle my drug use. What I've come to understand is that I really don't want to quit. At all. I want to keep using from time to time. The biggest issue for me right now is to find a way to do this, while still being in control. As in not needing it to wake up, not needing it to get through the day, being able to go a few days or even weeks without using anything. And most importantly, I refuse to go to work high. Last wednesday (so the day after I posted this thread), I had the biggest comedown I ever had. I was working at the bar, feeling nauseous, feeling terrible, feeling absolutely exhausted to the point I asked in the group chat with coworkers for replacement. I ended up making it through the night and put the blame for my question on the flu. But I never, ever want to go to work like that again.

As for your question on how I normally use it, what do you mean by how? As in what state I'm in or?...
I've only ever snorted it, never smoked, and never injected through IV (not planning on either, heard nothing but bad stuff from doing that, plus I have a big fear of needles.). So that's on how I practically use it.
Mentally is a different case. Most times I've had some drinks, e.g. right now I did a -small- line after having 4 Duvels (alcohol-wise that's about 8-9 regular pints). As for my emotional state, it really varries from day to day. I can't say I'm very happy with my life, but I'm not at all unhappy either, it's a bit of a stalemate. Most of my lesser emotional moments come from having loads of social contact working in a restaurant and bar, while the people I speak with on a regular basis are either colleagues (great team, great people, but not like talking with friends/family, most talks are about work or shitty costumers) or people I'm serving at that moment. I live with 2 very good friends, yet I hardly ever see them because the hours we work are just too different. When I get home from work they're asleep, by the time I wake up and have breakfast they're already at work. So I don't really have proper conversations with people...
The other times I get down is when I start thinking about one of my best friends who killed himself in may last year, completely out the blue, and the fear of getting "abandoned" that comes with these thoughts. This quickly changes to anger and hatred almost towards him, which translates to me drinking a shitload or take drugs...
First time I ever used coke would be about 6 months ago I think.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the advice.

 

[jdfisse]

I had to laugh when I read the part about giving your coke to a former coke fiend. You might both end up with a snowstorm in the jungle.

Anytime I hear extensive plans put in place to control drug use I put a little, "don't let them die" thought out into the ether. True control doesn't require extensive plans. The illusion of control...different story. Best wishes.

 

[sos123sos]

Okay so a small update:
Turns out I have some selfcontrol left. Hadn't used in 2 weeks, yesterday (saturday night) I did 3 (small) lines. I didn't have to call in the help of my roommate, I just found the willpower to not use it too often.
Thanks to everyone who read/commented, all advice is still welcome, but I feel fairly confident that I'll be able to remain in control of my usage if I keep doing what I'm doing, so yay! I still get the high and the fun times that come with it, while not becoming dependant on the coke, so I'm actually a little bit proud of myself. My only worry now is whether I'll be able to stay in control, but the way it's going at the moment I think I will.

Peace and love, and thanks for all the support.

 

[sos123sos]

Update on the last update (from about 2 hours ago).

I might not have been 100% honest. The main reason I hadn't used in about 2 weeks is that I couldn't get my hands on anything. This past Saturday night I managed to score at a Retro House party (while looking for some simple XTC or MDMA powder, I only managed to get my hands on some (pretty damned good) cocaine). Me and 2 friends (who had never tried coke before, so I only gave them a very small line) did it, it worked wonderfully. I ended up snorting 2 more lines that night before all 3 of us went home together, slept about 5 hours, and then went to my actual home (as in, the place where me and 1 of the friends I went out with live).

This night (Sunday) however, I went to the bar for a couple drinks, and couldn't make myself go to bed straight after coming home at about 2 at night (local time). So here I am, 3 hours later, watching Netflix. Did a bit of coke (I'm at about 1/6 of a gram atm, so not too much, just enough to keep the buzz going and to stay awake), trying not to wake up my roommates.
I figured I'd just spill the truth here. I'm afraid of telling my roommates because they'll just become overly worried, and the reason my last "update" wasn't 100% honest is quite simply because I'm used to lying to my roommate who promised to help me get my usage under control. He still asks about it, and he stilll means to help, but I feel like I've got it under control pretty well and don't want to upset/worry him. So that's why I come on here (mostly when I'm high or feel like getting high) to vent.
I realise I'm coming of as a real addiction hazard (if that's how you say it in English), but even though I'm a little bit worried, I'm still fairly confident (as in 75-80% sure) I'll be able to remain in control.

Again, thanks for all the support. I'm loving this community you've got going here, I love how it's not about breaking you down or making you feel bad about what you're doing. It's just about helping each and every person on this forum to deal with whatever is going on in their lives by being supportive and giving honest, helpful advice.

Very kind, warm and thankful regards.
Me. (I was gonna put my actual real-life nickname here, but I'm not exactly sure if that's allowed/appreciated/tollerated on here, so yeah. Anyways, thanks again everyone)

Peace and love.

 

[losangeles1993]

you have an addictive personality ..just like me ..i got hooked on Heroin after my first hit...thats why i donbt gamble cause i know ill be addicted