I'm writing this in hope that someone will read it and help me. I know its long but I really need opinions and I cant take it anymore. I'm not one to beg but I just need some more knowledge on what I should do about this or what is even going on.
I'll start from the beginning. My crippling anxiety/social anxiety started in Late Middle School as a young teen. (I'm now 20) I would only get anxiety in random situations, and over the years up to late high school it progressed and got worse to full on anxiety all day everyday. The anxiety I feel/felt is purely physical, my body would be freaking out but in my mind I knew/know everything is completely fine.
This made me isolated, and couldn't keep friends because I couldn't go out or do anything without having panic attacks or feeling like I was going to die. It honestly felt like my body was holding me back from who I truly was. I had many doctors and psychiatrist appointments and tried almost every SSRI, SNRI. None helped they either made it worse or gave me horrible side effects.
This continued up until my senior year of Highschool when I tried an Opioid, Oxycodone. I already know people are going to say "Well yea of course you feel better you took a opioid" But it wasn't that. When I first took it was almost like something clicked. I felt More compelled to go out and talk and to make more conversation, I actually wanted to go out and do things. I was more active and had no body anxiety and felt the closest thing to "normal" that I had in years. I called up friends I haven't talked to in months and talked to them for hours which never happened. Obviously when you have been tortured by anxiety for almost your full life you want to continue feeling normal so I continued to take Oxycodone. And My life absolutely changed for the better.
1) I was actually able to get a full time job and hold it down.
2) My first time in my life I was able to have a relationship.
3) I was happy and anxiety free and was able to be myself and my best.
4) I actually would be out with friends more than I would be home.
*But the thing that really is important and weird to me is I wouldn't need to take it everyday to keep these effects. I would really only take it maybe twice a week sometimes I wouldn't take it for a week or 2. But seemed as long as I took it at least once every other week I was fine. Which makes no sense to me because Its not like I was high on a drug all the time it was almost like gas for a car like I would do it one day and be good for awhile which leads me to think it could be a chemical imbalance or possibly the calm clarity I had while on oxycodone allowed my brain to retrain its self.
Things were so good while I was in that regime that I 100% believed I had conquered my anxiety I felt like a changed person and things were great. And so I decided I wasn't going to take Opioids anymore. I just didn't want them to be apart of my life anymore So I stopped. And everything still was good I was still able to go out, my anxiety was non existent, and I felt fine this continued for a month and then I started to feel subtle hints of anxiety slowly returning. Only thing I can compare to is like running an engine with low oil (Oxycodone being the oil). It just slowly kept getting worse and worse until I broke down again.
Now its a year and a half later. I have lost my relationship because she said I'm not the same, I lost my job I hang out/talk with hardly no one. (I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me and don't want anyone to feel bad for me I just want to get across how drastically my life has changed) I still haven't touched any Opioids or any drugs because I been trying to naturally work on my anxiety but it seems no matter what I try or do its still there which leads me again believe it must be some sort of chemical imbalance or something that cant be naturally fixed.
I have been up countless nights staying up to 3am doing research looking for answers on what it could be the only things I could dig up is a possible Dopamine Deficiency ,Opioid Deficiency or an Over Active Fight or Flight Response.
My questions are:
What do you think is wrong with me? and why do you think taking Oxycodone every other day or every other week drastically helping me. I personally think it is either a chemical imbalance or overtime my brain retrained its self kind of like CBT and since stopping it slowly reverted back.
What could take to get back to where I was? I thinking one of the options below
-Low dose Buprenorphine
-A Long Acting Benzo Like Klonopin or Valium
-Dopamine Agonist/Dopamine Promoter.
-Stimulant or Wellbutrin
I'm really at a cross road because I know Buprenorphine can lower testosterone and effect libido and sex in my life is important to me, A Benzo long term and wreck havoc on GABA receptors And become virtually impossible to come off And a Dopamine Agonist/Dopamine Promoter or Stimulants can be dangerous and make things worse. But I just want my life back I want to be happy again.
Thank you for reading I would appreciate any and all responses.
I'll start from the beginning. My crippling anxiety/social anxiety started in Late Middle School as a young teen. (I'm now 20) I would only get anxiety in random situations, and over the years up to late high school it progressed and got worse to full on anxiety all day everyday. The anxiety I feel/felt is purely physical, my body would be freaking out but in my mind I knew/know everything is completely fine.
This made me isolated, and couldn't keep friends because I couldn't go out or do anything without having panic attacks or feeling like I was going to die. It honestly felt like my body was holding me back from who I truly was. I had many doctors and psychiatrist appointments and tried almost every SSRI, SNRI. None helped they either made it worse or gave me horrible side effects.
This continued up until my senior year of Highschool when I tried an Opioid, Oxycodone. I already know people are going to say "Well yea of course you feel better you took a opioid" But it wasn't that. When I first took it was almost like something clicked. I felt More compelled to go out and talk and to make more conversation, I actually wanted to go out and do things. I was more active and had no body anxiety and felt the closest thing to "normal" that I had in years. I called up friends I haven't talked to in months and talked to them for hours which never happened. Obviously when you have been tortured by anxiety for almost your full life you want to continue feeling normal so I continued to take Oxycodone. And My life absolutely changed for the better.
1) I was actually able to get a full time job and hold it down.
2) My first time in my life I was able to have a relationship.
3) I was happy and anxiety free and was able to be myself and my best.
4) I actually would be out with friends more than I would be home.
*But the thing that really is important and weird to me is I wouldn't need to take it everyday to keep these effects. I would really only take it maybe twice a week sometimes I wouldn't take it for a week or 2. But seemed as long as I took it at least once every other week I was fine. Which makes no sense to me because Its not like I was high on a drug all the time it was almost like gas for a car like I would do it one day and be good for awhile which leads me to think it could be a chemical imbalance or possibly the calm clarity I had while on oxycodone allowed my brain to retrain its self.
Things were so good while I was in that regime that I 100% believed I had conquered my anxiety I felt like a changed person and things were great. And so I decided I wasn't going to take Opioids anymore. I just didn't want them to be apart of my life anymore So I stopped. And everything still was good I was still able to go out, my anxiety was non existent, and I felt fine this continued for a month and then I started to feel subtle hints of anxiety slowly returning. Only thing I can compare to is like running an engine with low oil (Oxycodone being the oil). It just slowly kept getting worse and worse until I broke down again.
Now its a year and a half later. I have lost my relationship because she said I'm not the same, I lost my job I hang out/talk with hardly no one. (I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me and don't want anyone to feel bad for me I just want to get across how drastically my life has changed) I still haven't touched any Opioids or any drugs because I been trying to naturally work on my anxiety but it seems no matter what I try or do its still there which leads me again believe it must be some sort of chemical imbalance or something that cant be naturally fixed.
I have been up countless nights staying up to 3am doing research looking for answers on what it could be the only things I could dig up is a possible Dopamine Deficiency ,Opioid Deficiency or an Over Active Fight or Flight Response.
My questions are:
What do you think is wrong with me? and why do you think taking Oxycodone every other day or every other week drastically helping me. I personally think it is either a chemical imbalance or overtime my brain retrained its self kind of like CBT and since stopping it slowly reverted back.
What could take to get back to where I was? I thinking one of the options below
-Low dose Buprenorphine
-A Long Acting Benzo Like Klonopin or Valium
-Dopamine Agonist/Dopamine Promoter.
-Stimulant or Wellbutrin
I'm really at a cross road because I know Buprenorphine can lower testosterone and effect libido and sex in my life is important to me, A Benzo long term and wreck havoc on GABA receptors And become virtually impossible to come off And a Dopamine Agonist/Dopamine Promoter or Stimulants can be dangerous and make things worse. But I just want my life back I want to be happy again.
Thank you for reading I would appreciate any and all responses.
