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Tried cold turkey - failed. So ashamed ?

A

AddictedAnna

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Jan 28, 2018
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Been addicted to DHC (dihydrocodeine) for a year and a half. I?m very ?mood? dependent on how I take them. One day I can manage on 4/5 and others I need more. I don?t usually exceed my prescribed dose ( 2 tablets 4 times s day) but I cannot take them spread out. I have to have about 4/5 with my morning coffee then I?ll take a couple more in he afternoon. So yesterday I woke up and I?d had enough. I said screw it im going cold turkey - huge mistake. I didn?t taper or plan it out. I have 2 kids and a husband who works. The withdrawals started about midday yesterday and got worse and worse. Vomiting, shaking, sweating, the worst cramps, severe diarrhoea almost every 15 minutes. Just the worst pain, but I was determined. Moving on to this morning after managing only 1 hours sleep, I was on the toilet with unexplainable diarrhoea whilst aiming for the sink with my vomit. I also took my ?time of the month? without even realising it and long story short I wound up lying on the bathroom floor in a ball covered in my own sick, blood and feaces ?? I?m so ashamed but I knew my daughter was due home from nursery and my son from school so I showered quickly and yes I caved! I took my pillls. I couldn?t let my children see me like that. I feel so lost. I want off them so badly but with so many responsibilities I don?t see how. I?m not a big drinker at all but have a big charity event with my husbands work this weekend at an all expenses paid luxury hotel. I?m also going to be speaking at this event and it?s very important to me (ironically this charity is for a local church that feeds homeless addicts every morning) ...... so I?m back to square one. Have taken 5 and honestly feel fine now! From what felt like death to my ?normal? in just a few hours. I feel exhausted though but not unwell. Guys what do I do? I?d love to be clean. I go to bed every night terrified I won?t wake up and see me kids again cause I?m scared these pills are damaging my heart and I?ll have a massive heart attack. I love a few drinks on very rare special occasions which will be this weekend (I have no confidence without a few and won?t be able to speak if I don?t get some Dutch courage) so I?m terrified I?m going to die on Saturday night from being on these and drinking. Even though I won?t be getting really drunk I?m still terrified. I hate this life. I hate that I can?t live a normal life without medication. Does tappering really help the withdrawals or is planned cold turkey the only real option? Any help would be so appreciated.
 
Hey Anna sorry to hear about your struggle, I've been there. I'm going to send this over to sober living for you so you'll get some better answers.
 
No need to be ashamed, it's hard for all of us. It took me six months of trying to cold turkey once a week to finally hop off and stay off.
 
Anna, is a medical detox out of the question? You don't even necessarily have to go inpatient, but a physician supervised outpatient taper would be preferable to cold turkey. Don't beat yourself up over this.
 
Did you taper down slowly and what were you on? Did you ever drink alcohol? I hardly touch it but I?m very anxious person and I won?t be able to speak at this event without a drink to relax me. So I have that to worry about now to ?

Anna xx
 
I?ve nevr thought about an out patient programme, with having 2 kids and no baby sitters I would struggle with doing anything like that.

Anna xx
 
My primary problem is with alcohol. I hit 30 days alcohol free today after being medically detoxed in a hospital. When I came off opiates, that was also in an inpatient detox setting, as I was also coming off alcohol and benzodiazepines simultaneously. You mention that you are a very anxious person, I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist at the very least. The reason I drank so heavily was because I was trying to self-medicate my anxiety for years and 1. it worked until it didn't work anymore and 2. it never occurred to me that there are medications that can help with that. It is also important to have a strong psycho-social support network. It doesn't necessarily have to be recovery groups, but to have a circle of friends who are always ready to lend an understanding ear is crucial in recovery. Letting negative emotions fester is dangerous for people like us. Please seek a doctor's help. It will make things much easier for you. Best of luck to you.
 
AddictedAnna said:
Did you taper down slowly and what were you on? Did you ever drink alcohol? I hardly touch it but I?m very anxious person and I won?t be able to speak at this event without a drink to relax me. So I have that to worry about now to ?

Anna xx
Click to expand...

I ct'ed off alot of morphine daily, I would've never committed to a taper. I drank occasionally, but not often because the doses I was taking.
 
hey anna,

first of all - i just wanted to let you know that you're in the right place! lots of us here have been through what you're going through (myself included) so you're not alone.

detoxing cold turkey is hard, and you should not feel ashamed - it hit you very very hard, and it's a bloody unpleasant thing to experience - opiate withdrawal seems to pretty much always cause intense diarrhoea, and yeah, sometimes vomiting too.

it's late here so i'll keep this brief, but i'm sure you'll get some other good replies.

first of all, tapering does tend to reduce the severity of withdrawals, so i definitely think it is worth it - especially if it helps you get through the detox and allows you to get off the stuff.
it depends on your life circumstances and your personality though. some people find it easier to get all of the detoxing out of the way as quickly and intensly as possible, while others would rather take little bits off their daily dose (then stabilise for a few days or a week - then drop it some more).
i know that from tapering with buprenorphine, that the less you are taking when you finally "jump off" and stop taking it altogether, the less severe the symptoms are.
one massive benefit of using pharmaceutical pain pills (as opposed to heroin, opium, poppy tea etc) is that you know exactly how much you're taking, so you can accurately taper.

so - no, cold turkey is not the only option! it is one of the hardest ways to do it, in my opinion.

also, there are a range of things you can do to lessen the severity of withdrawal - specifically, a number of different "comfort meds" that reduce withdrawal symptoms.
i find clonidine helpful for the restless legs, and loperamide ("immodium" - diarrhoea medicine) can help with the GI issues and some of the other symptoms as well as it is an opioid that doesn't cross the blood brain barrier and mainly affects the digestive system, i believe. just don't take too much immodium, as it's dangerous in large doses.

what pills are you taking?
opiates like dihydrocodeine aren't known for causing damage to your heart. most opiates are not physically harmful, unless you overdose on them.
it seems unlikely to me that DHC (dihydrocodeine) could kill you in your sleep, and unless you too an awful lot of it, i think you're unlikely to have a fatal overdose mixing it with alcohol. (although, to be absolutely clear - it is never a good idea to mix CNS depressants like opiates and alcohol - but i do want to ease your concerns about dying. there are many opiates and opioids that are more dangerous than what you're using. which is not to say you should be complacent about it, but it's good to be realistically aware of the risks of what you are doing. that's what this forum is all about - reducing harm)

if the pills contain paracetamol (or "acetaminophen" if you're american) which is damaging to the liver in high or chronic doses.
it is very easy to remove, however, using a cold water extraction.
sounds complicated, but all you need is a coffee filter, two glasses and a bit of water :)

bluelight contains a wealth of information on opiate withdrawal.
i used for about 10 years before i ever tried quitting, and i did it for the first time (and subsequent times... :() with a lot of help from people here, their knowledge and experiences.
the more tricks you know, the easier it can be.

there are heaps and heaps and heaps of threads on this topic, but you might want to start by having a read of this;

The Opioid Withdrawal Megathread and FAQ


welcome to bluelight, and please - don't be so hard on yourself, you went through some very severe suffering, which is very difficult, especially when you have parenting responsibilities.
we can do our best to help you through this though.
knowledge is power, and armed with the best knowledge, you stand the very best chance of fighting your way out of this addiction <3
 
Hi, Anna.

What you experienced is very normal...a huge number of people who cold turkey off opioids get overwhelmed by the acute WD symptoms and return to their drug of choice. That's no failure. It's a totally understandable response to extreme distress. I think it helps to keep in mind that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It may take several tries to make it through. Other than being kind of frustrating and tiring, there's nothing wrong with that. So please just consider this event one bit of progress towards your ultimate goal.

The plan of getting some comfort meds for your detox is a good one. Spacejunk's suggestions are spot on. If you can get them, I'd add to his suggested meds (clonidine and immodium) gabapentin or baclofen and a long-acting benzodiazepine such as diazepam. A frank conversation with your doctor about all this is a good idea.

As for going cold turkey vs tapering, that's such a tough call. It's definitely true that tapering often reduces the severity of WDs. But some people have a really hard time sticking to a taper (I'm in that group...I could never taper successfully). It might be worth trying to see how you react to it.
 
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for replying to me with so much detail spacejunk. I?m so glad I found this place. I already feel a little calmer and more ?at home? if that makes sense. I would never admit to anyone who didn?t understand this what i went through this morning. I was so lucky my kids were at nursery and school and my husband at work. Had they seen their wife and mother lying on the bathroom floor covered in her own disgusting bodily fluids, shaking and crying like that I would never have forgiven myself and I don?t think I?d ever be able to tell anyone other than here just how bad it got in only a short space of time. I?ve had therapy on and off since I was 15 for Ocd and severe generalised anxiety disorder. I?ve been medicated for years but never ever addicted. I was given diazepam as needed for panic attacks and I rarely take them and even when I had a severe bad spell of anxiety that left me bed ridden and taking them daily for weeks, once my anxiety and Ocd had faded I stopped them without any issues. Same when I used to drink maybe 2/3 nights a week I noticed it was making my anxiety worse and committed to only drinking on special occasions and it was easy to stop. Not a withdrawal sign in sight and not drinking every weekend or even every month like my friends do doesn?t bother me. It?s only in very big special occasions or events where there will be lots of people I don?t know etc that I ever feel the need to drink so I can actually have a conversation with someone. I started dihydrocodeine due to s genuine painful condition just over a year and a half ago and then my papa died (we were so close) I watched him suffer a short but painful death and was at the hospital every day with my gran. The pills helped me cope. Then after he died I needed them to get through the day and help my lovely gran. Gran was a lost soul and didn?t even make it a year without him and she passed away of a broken heart after a stroke and I held her hand as she died. They were the only family I had (no relationship with parents or brother etc) but gran and papa were like my mum and dad and I adored them and they adored me and my two children. These evil pills have just been masking a whole load of pain ? so I?m now back to square one and have taken 5 n half today. I feel fine now. Other than exhausted from what happened I feel ok. Just can?t believe that coming off them can do that to me. I?d read it cold turkey was horrible but I never thought it would be that bad, and I wasn?t prepared at all. I was silly and jumped straight into it and I?ve given myself the fright of my life. I?m so grateful I?ve found this place. Hopefully I can find lots of help and encouragement from all you lovely people who actually understand me ?

Anna xx
 
Tapering does help. It will lower the intensity of the withdrawal a bit, and will allow you to not experience such intense cravings that it leads you back to a relapse. There's a reason why tapering works.

A lot of us haven't gotten clean the absolute first time we made an effort. Think of it like a child walking for the first time. Lots of falling over, stumbling, unsteady gate. But eventually we grow up and can walk at a normal pace :)
 
^ agree with all of that. :)


may i ask where you live? i'm guessing the UK?

it depends what country you're in, as to how good - as well as sympathetic and affordable - drug treatment services are.

being in australia, i was able to attend a drug treatment centre where i saw a clinical psych, a doctor and a social worker who all helped me do an outpatient detox, the first time i had to go through withdrawal.
they prescribed me a few different things (the clonidine i mentioned, as well as the diazepam simco recommended, and a few other things) and helped me deal with a lot of the stuff that lead to me falling into addiction in the first place (the psychological stuff - and for a lot of people there are physical pain issues as well).
anyway, went to that clinic weekly for 3 or 4 years, and it didn't cost me a cent.

i'm sorry to hear that you lost your grandparents - i'm sure grief causes a lot of people's addictions to begin, or spiral out of control.
but i'm sure you don't want that grief to follow you around for ever, as it may if you can't shake this habit.
i think some counselling is a really good idea if you can get it, especially from someone specialising in addiction.

i'm glad you've registered an account, and i'm sure you'll come to meet some lovely people here who (like me) perfectly understand what you're going through. <3
 
Yes I?m in Scotland. Prescription is free and on repeat which makes it even easier. I had a condition called costonchondritis which causes severe pain around your sternum etc but it has went away but my doctor doesn?t know this. He also doesn?t know however that I?m addicted. Love the analogy of the baby trying to walk and stumbling a few times before they get there. Thankyou for that. Makes me feel like less of a failure for failing in my first attempt at cold turkey. I was taking up to 10/15 some days but I?m now managing to stick to my daily limit. I simply cannot space them out or I start to withdraw. I cannot take 2 in the morning then 2 atblinch 2 at dinner 2 at bedtime. Tried that but it doesn?t work. I have to take 4/5 at a time and then if I get itchy feet a few more. Lately I haven?t went over my 8 a day though. Does anyone know if I?m doing more damage by taking 4/5 at one then another 3 to teach my max a day of 8 at once than what I would be if I spread them out?

Anna xx
 
I'm not very familiar with the pills you take. Do you know if they contain acetaminophen (aka tylenol)? Many opioid preparations do include tylenol, and this can be very hard on your liver in large doses. Other than possible mixtures such as this (and assuming you're not mixing recklessly with other CNS depressants), the opioid your taking is not toxic at the levels you're describing (full disclosure, I am just a guy on the internet, not a doctor, so please take this with a grain of salt).
 
Thankyou for responding. Having just looked up all the ingredients it doesn?t appear to have Tylenol in it. Along with this I?m also allowed (however I don?t) to take paracetamol and diclofenac (anti inflammatory). But I don?t take either. On occasion I?ve taken paracetamol with this drug simply because they actually give me head aches. I rarely even bother with diazepam anymore because they do nothing for me. I can take large doses of it and feel absolutely nothing now so I just don?t bother. I have no issues with any other medication other than this painkiller. If I can?t sleep I take Zopiclone. I take more than I should of that when I take it but I definitely don?t feel dependant in it. I just feel really demented when I can?t sleep so I just take extra so I fall asleep quickly. I managed fine a few weeks ago only taking 5 with my morning coffee and had none the rest of the day. I just don?t know if I?m doing damage because I?m taking them all at one as opposed to spreading them out. I?ve been really good lately at never taking more thab 8 in 24 hours. Which is what it says on my prescription anyway. I wish I had the confidence to stand up and speak this weekend and mingle without drinking alcohol but I will never manage it. I must add if you haven?t already seen, I am not a drinker. I think the last time I drank was before Christmas. I can take it or leave it in comfortable situations with close friends and I?m not one for drinking in the house alone or even with my husband. If we have a night off from the kids we watch a movie and go to bed. We don?t even have a drink together. I?ve not fancied it but also I?m so paranoid if I drink I?ll mess up my respiratory system and die in my sleep. I?ve been prescribed Diazepam since I was 15 so I?ve been on it in and off for 19 years. I?ve definitely grown a tolerance to this and it does nothing for me. I did take some yesterday hoping and praying it would work for the withdrawals but it didn?t at all. I could go months and months without touching even one diazepam, without touching alcohol or any other substance. I?m terrified of all other drugs and I?ve never ever tried anything like cocaine or ecstasy etc. The worst I ever tried was weed in school for about 2 months but it made my anxiety worse so I can?t touch it. I can take or leave anything else - just not these. I think that?s another reason I never imagined I?d become addicted because I?ve never been addicted to anything and I?ve taken prescribed addictive medication loads of times but this one med I just can?t shift ?

Anna xx
 
I keep googling to find out how much damage I?m doing by taking 5 at one time and can?t find any information.

Anna xxx
 
Anna - I've got my own thread and am in a very similar place as you. Spent the last week in horrible WD's and was so alone. The people here will help you so much. SO far I have learned to be kind to myself and take it slow. I have done months of research and I don't think you need to worry too much about damage. At this point focus on the fact that you are making good decisions for your future and will get there eventually. Have patience with yourself like you do for the rest of your family. Take care of yourself like you do your kids. I have all similar issues as you do - almost exactly. Instead of beating myself up I've decided to take it slow and go with the flow. Hang in there and feel free to read my thread. I"m here if you want to talk. I will be traveling for 4 days so don't worry if I don't respond right away. I will try and check at least once a day.
Desperatemom53
 
Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply. I want to stop these badly. I?ve read in other forums if I wanted to stop them so badly I?d just accept the pain of withdrawals. Maybe I?m a wimp but I couldn?t handle them. When you?re a mother who is trying to do it alone and your children are due home and you?re lying on the bathroom floor in your own blood sick and feaces and in so much pain you can?t move, it sort makes you have to take them. I really didn?t want to and as I ran down the stairs to get them I was hating myself already for what I was about to do. But I personally felt like I had no other choice. My body took the withdrawals that badly I?m still having green diarrhoea. I have 2 children to look after. This was something I jumped into without really thinking it through. I?m 100% sure I want to quit but I?m not in the position to right now. I feel stuck. I have no support from anyone except my husband and even he isn?t giving me the support I really need. I?m scared to tell my doctor for fear of them taking away as much as possible and being constantly monitored etc. I?m also afraid of SS getting involved. I don?t want to have to go into hospital because of my kids and lack of support in who would watch them and my husband can?t take anymore than a 2 week holiday at a time (and I just know I?ll need more time than that). We can?t afford the nursery fees for my daughter to go in every day and have nobody to watch them after school and nursery or at weekends. I genuinely mean that. We only ever had my grandparents who like I said I lost both in the last year n 4 months. We have friends who take them on occasion (like this Saturday for our chairs event) but it?s a rare thing and couldn?t possibly ask them to take time off their work and family for the sake of mine. If I had a choice I?d get down to 1 a day and then book myself into a bnb with NO pills until I was completely clean and then come home. But I just can?t ?

When I read that guy saying about not wanting it badly enough or I wouldn?t have given in after all those hours it made me cry. Is it me?? Am I really that weak? Are withdrawals really not that bad and I?m just a big woos? I?ve spent years on and off medication due to my severe anxiety disorder. I?ve never had an addiction to any of them because not taking any if I didn?t really need to didn?t bother me but my body has still been filled with benzodiazepines and sleeping pills and anti psychotics and anti depressants on and off for years. This is the only pill (dihydrocodeine) that got me hooked practically within a month. I was in such emotional turmoil and pain (still am) and these pills helped me to put on a smile and just get on with things. I was taking a lot during and after my papas illness just to help me through and help my gran. Then I spent months watching my poor gran go into despair over losing this man she had spent 67 years of her life with. I took her to Spain to try cheer her up, I visited almost daily, took her for her shopping and then she passed just before papas 1 year anniversary. My days were lost in a fog of grief, not knowing what to do with myself and popping loads of pills. Even my gran had noticed it and would phone me if there was anything on the tv about addiction to pills to tell me to watch it. I?d laugh it off and lie and tell her I wasn?t taking anything near what she thought and I certainly wasn?t addicted. That I took them by choice (which I guess was true) at the recommended dose (not true) because I needed to for my anxiety but that they weren?t dangerous etc. Now she?s been gone a few months she is also a driving force behind me wanting to get off them. I don?t know if I believe in the afterlife - but if there is one and she?s watching me I want to make her proud to. Tell her she was right and that I am addicted but I DO want to get off them. I despise that I?m here thinking I?m a wimp and failure for not just sucking up the withdrawals and not being able to stop ? I?m so sorry for long posts. This is the only place I can really be ME. ?

Anna xxx
 
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