Tried cold turkey - failed. So ashamed ?

[simco]

I didn't see the jab about you not wanting it bad enough. For what it's worth, that's a very common refrain in some of the more dismal recovery circles...it also has nothing to do with you; please try to put it out of your mind. Getting through opioid WDs is really hard.

Have you looked at all into 'opioid replacement therapy' (ORT)? Methadone and suboxone (buprenorphine) are two commonly used tools for ORT. The basic premise is to switch you to an opioid that has fewer negative impacts than your drug of choice, and that is administered in a semi-structured environment. Your desire to be off the pills tempered by your awareness that you're not in a position to quit completely makes me think this could be a good option. It's also the case that ORT is really the gold standard of opioid use disorder treatment.

Many people avoid ORT, thinking they're just 'trading one addiction for another,' but this misses a crucial distinction: you (may) currently have an addiction to the codeine. That includes a physical dependency on the substance. But it also includes unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns (e.g. guilt, desire for more, etc). In the case of ORT, yes, you will still be physically dependent on opioids. But the stabilizing nature of the medication and its program allows many people to work on their underlying addiction during the therapy.

Let us know if this idea has any appeal for you, OK?

Keep your chin up, Anna

 

[Jabberwocky]

It seems like a major stumbling block here is that you are uncomfortable talking to your prescribing doctor about struggling with opioid withdrawal. I am reading that right Anna?

Perhaps we can work with you on that aspect of this, how to talk to medical professionals while avoiding getting labeled a junkie, or helping to brainstorm other avenues of support for your kick/recovery.

 

[AddictedAnna]

Thankyou again for the replies. I am scared of speaking to my doctor and if I?m perfectly honest I?m terrified of the thought that they will cut me off to dramatically and I?m terrified that even once I get over the physical dependence - the mental torture will still be there and what if I have a breakdown and just NEED more and can?t get them. This isn?t me saying I don?t want to be free from them (I really do) ..... but after all the forums I?ve read it?s terrifying some of the things people are suffering from AFTER the initial withdrawals. Also in the last few days I?ve managed to cut down to 3 n half tablets every 24 hours. My recommended and prescribed dose is 2 to be taken 4 times a day and no more than 8 in 24 hours. I just can?t space them out. I have to take the 3 n half every morning between 7/7:30am but I am getting through the days ok. I?ve stopped everything else and I?m taking lots of vitamins snd supplements and drinking green teas. I haven?t needed a sleeping at all for 2 nights. I still keep being told I?m still over dosing because I take 3 n half at once. Is that worse for me that if I was taking the full 8 but spreading them out? Sometimes some forums can be a god send and other times people scare me. They still give me really sore heads ? I can?t remember the last day I didn?t have a sore head at some point in the day but I just crack on with it. One girl
In another forum has been clean from these for 5 months and says she wishes she never stopped because of how drastically her mental health has actually deteriorated since she done so. This really freaks me out. I seem to be getting along ok with the 3 n half a day and I do feel a lot better with all the healthy eating I?m doing and vitamins etc. I guess fear is what holds us all back. I?m still terrified of dying. This other girl said her heart was ruined from abusing them which freaked me out. It?s only 2 days until my charity event where I?m a key speaker and will be having a few drinks before I get up on stage and I keep thinking this Saturday is going to be the last day of my life because I won?t wake up as I?ve mixrf alcohol and these pills (even though before I ever really thought I had a problem or really cared I was taking many a day and still drinking and survived) - this could be the night that finally takes me. I?d love to be like a ?normal? person and not have this mental torture of needing these horrible pills. Again I thankyou all for your replies and support ?

Anna xxx

 

[Stargazer]

Hi Anna

All of us understand. You have received excellent advice from awesome BL members. They pretty much covered everything.

As a woman myself, I understand feeling ashamed and mortified at being "seen like that" . I have been through w/d more times than I could possibly count and 2 very traumatic detoxes.

After much struggling- I have finally decided to go on suboxone. I have an appt w a Sub Dr. at the end of March. And Im so relieved.

Being on suboxone will give me a chance to catch my breath so to speak. It will give me time to put a strong support system together.

What I have learned from an exstensive history w opiate addiction (both pain meds and heroin) is the brutal, traumatic detoxes accomplish nothing but generating terror Which in turn causes many to hang on to opiates tighter.

I'm sending you a big hug Anna. I feel your pain and know the struggle. You are going to find a way out. It gets overwhelming and seems impossible. Buts it's very possible. Hope you're having a good day today.

 

[AddictedAnna]

Thanks so much. Today is a good day. I shocked my system big time with the withdrawals. I don?t know about another drug though. I just realised as I was in a rush this morning I only took 3 pills. I forgot the other half. And I feel ok. I?ve been taking 3 n half since that horrible ?detox? and I?m
Now managing on 3. I have no sore head today which is amazing. I?m full of vitamins Aswell now and I?m sleeping better. Is it really better to switch now or do I stay on 3 dihydrocodeine for now and try and get down to 2??? If I?m managing on that I?m not so sure I want to start on anything else. Is suboxen better than DHC? ?

Anna xxx

 

[oldhippytony]

Today is a good day. And I feel I'm now managing on 3. Is it really better to switch now or do I stay on 3 dihydrocodeine for now

I've read this thread and you've been given plenty of good advice. There is no need to make any rash decision today. Not today. If you are comfortable on 3 then I'd recommend you stay at this level until after your event this weekend (tomorrow.. Friday.. night?). Also, do not overindulge with the alcohol. A drink or two shouldn't be a problem, if you must, as long as you are not driving or taking benzos. When I mix benzos with alcohol, all bets are off. Fortunately it's been years since I made that mistake.

I can say with almost complete certainty based on what I've read that you will be fine at the event.

You've got a lot going through your head. Take a few deep breaths. Try to keep things simple and try to keep your head where your feet are. You will get through this rough patch and your character will be strengthened because of it.

Note that determinedmom was where you are not too long ago. She now has a plan and is in a better place than she was. She may not know this but by reaching out to you, it helped her. That is one of the reason why many of us contribute to this forum. Helping others helps us because it gets us outside of our own heads.

We are happy to help so please be sure to check back with us soon.

 

[AddictedAnna]

Thankyou. The support on this thread has been amazing. It?s 5pm where I am. I took 3 at 7am when I got up. I had a half there ready to take and was running late for dropping my daughter off and I rushed out the door without taking the other half. I feel really ok. Im feeling more tired and I yawn a lot - but that?s the effects I feel and even at that it?s not a ?high? tired sleepy. First day without a sore head Aswell which is amazing. I?ve been waiting on it coming all day and nothing. God I don?t want to jinx it. I know it?s only really been 4 days of green tea, magnesium, vitamin b6, omega 3 fish oils and a multivitamin. But I?m not as agitated as I was even slightly. You?re right about taking my time. I think I know i want to continue down this path and try and get down to 2 then even 1 if it?s possible. But I can live with that compared to what I was taking at one point. I?m hoping I?m on the right path to a better and healthier way of living. If this path unfortunately fails me then I?ll have to try another one. I find the thought of living daily trying NOT to take just as exhausting as taking and I fear my life will be consumed by these pills for the duration whether I?m taking them or not. I don?t feel like I?ve over dosed by taking 3 this morning but I?ve been told that I have over dosed. I?m not familiar with all this because to me that?s not over dosing but then when it says on the bottle 2 to be taken 4 times a day then I guess I am ? but I still have to try and think to myself that 3 in the morning over 24 hours must be better for me than 8 spread out over 24 hours. I just don?t know what?s right or wrong. I?m just doing what I can to keep my withdrawals at bay and my head above the water. To me over dosing would be what I was doing a few months ago. But I just don?t know now with all the things other people have been saying. I?m really proud that I?ve managed only 3 today and to feel ok. Makes me feel hopeful but then at the same time worried that I?m blinded. In another recovery group I told them
I was on 3 dihydrocodeine and I?m doing ok, and was told I was still over dosing and should go on a methadone programme ? ..... this really took me aback because I?m not a doctor but I?d like to think I?m sensible enough to know that 3 dihydrocodeine a day must be better for me than asking my doctor to methadone. But again I keep
Thinking are they right and I?m stupid And dihydrocodeine is so much worse for me than methadone. It?s bizzarw because despite feeling like I?m on the right path - I still feel conflicted. I appreciate all the replies and advice I?m getting here. This is by far the best forum
I?ve been on looking for help for this. I?m eternally grateful to anyone who takes time out their lives to respond to me ?

Anna xxx

Oh another guy on a fb support group said I was ?just a pretty face hiding behind a dangerous addiction and I was fooling nobody with my 3 a day bullshit?!! And it?s really not BS. I?m
On 3 a day and I disagree with him that I should go onto methadone. Comments like his make me feel like absolute crap ?

 

[aihfl]

Comments like his make me feel like absolute crap

Ignore people's ignorance. People have said horrible things to me at AA meetings and I just let it roll off because I need AA, AA doesn't need me. I just don't go back to that meeting. And just about anything on the internet should be taken with heaping spoonfuls of salt. People can say whatever they want largely anonymously with little or no consequences. There are many paths to sobriety. People can get very narrow minded that what works for them is the only way but people can be narrow minded. Water off a duck's back. Ignore 'em.

 

[FLA]

I thought dihydrocodeine was between codeine and hydrocodone in terms of strength. It's not common in the US but have had it before. At first blush, Methadone seems like massive overkill for something that weak but I am often wrong. FB is where we go to lie to our so called friends, BL is where we are truthful with complete strangers. I would not give those people a chance to poison your mind.

 

[aihfl]

FB is where we go to lie to our so called friends, BL is where we are truthful with complete strangers.

Couldn't have said it better.

 

[Stargazer]

^^Exactly. Well said FLA.

 

[AddictedAnna]

That?s true. I?m trying not to. I?m just gonna remove myself from the fb group I think. It?s now midnight here, I?ve has 3 pills since 7am and I still feel ok and I?m about to go to bed and feel very hopeful that I?ll wake up and be able to take just 3 again and feel ok. This is the longest I?ve went not pumping myself full of pills and then also having to take sleeping pills Aswell. I?m just naturally tired. I?m trying to stop worrying so much about the damage I may have caused and concentrate on the fact that I?m
Taking healthy supplements - only 3 tablets a day and focus on getting myself back to health. I hope one day to be completely free from them but I?m genuinely pleased with myself that I?m managing to take only 3 a day. I do worry about the mental torture I hear a lot of recovering addicts talk about after recovery though. The random days where they feel a severe urge to take etc and often get very depressed. I hope this won?t be the case with me ? No matter how much I look it up I never find
Out of taking 3 a day at once is better or worse than 2, 4 times a day spread out. I don?t know if dihydrocodeine is a more dangerous drug than methadone or any other substance. I still feel clueless in some respect which annoys me but I just have to keep going like this as I feel
Better now these last few days than I have in months ?

Anna xxx

 

[oldhippytony]

"3 in the morning over 24 hours must be better for me than 8 spread out over 24 hours."

Imagine this: customers can park for unlimited time at a parking lot and they have 2 payment options: 1. pay $3 first thing in the morning OR be billed $2 every 6 hours. Customer wishes to park for 24 hours. What option is "better" for the customer? Everytime I take pencil to paper: 8 is 266% more than 3.

Yet I can understand why some would be concerned about you not following explicit directions given by your doctor. And if the dose you are supposed to take at any one time is 2, and you take 3, "technically," by strict definition, you are overdosing. Yet you could counter that argument by saying you are underdosing over every 24 hour period.

A better alternative (if you are considering a taper) would be taking 1 pill, 3 times per day, for now. My addictive brain can crave that flood of opiates that comes with taking more than prescribed, albeit only once per day. The trade-off, the justification, being that I'm taking less per day. Still, every time, 8 is 266% more than 3. I'd love to start exercising 266% more each day.

As I stated before, take no more than 3 in any given 24 hours, don't get sloppy drunk at the function tonight, and check back with us in the morning. Then again, as someone else said (simco perhaps), I'm no doctor, I'm just some guy on the internet with a boatload of personal experience of active addiction and recovery.

 

[oldhippytony]

5pm where I am. I took 3 at 7am when I got up.... I feel really ok.... Im feeling more tired and I yawn a lot

No surprise that you are yawning. Yawning is a classic withdrawal symptom From what I've read, dihydrocodeine has a half-life of 3.5 hours, give or take. If you took 3 pills at 7 am, then within 45 minutes you were feeling better and you were at your best at around 8:45 - 9 am and it's been downhill, albeit slowly, from there.

Ideally, for me, when I'm tapering it's always best if the amount (level) of target drug remains constant throughout the day. Of course, the trend OVER TIME should be a reduction in the amount I'm taking. Whenever I experience a spike, or surge, in euphoria, I tend to desire, or crave, a repeat of that surge. I'm not "wired" such that I always have the patience to wait another day for that repeat to occur, especially if the target drug is readily available.

This is why it's best for me to not "overdose," even if at the end of the day I might be underdosing. It's the surge, or rush, that is troublesome for me.

 

[AddictedAnna]

I used to get the urge for that rush of euphoria - until the head aches kicked in. The euphoria was still lingering if that makes sense but it was eventually over shadowed by the head aches. Some days I couldn?t leave the house they were that painful. I feel like it was sort of ?lucky? they happened because I don?t know if I?d be at the point of being so desperate to stop if the original ?high? was the same as the beginning. It simply began to become something I had to do as opposed to something I wanted to do. The high wasn?t in it for me anymore because of the headaches. I genuinely take 3 in the morning and feel no discomfort. Even the persistent yawning doesn?t bother me. It?s
Sort of relaxing. I?ve kept super busy so I?m well distracted from them during the day and I?m naturally exhausted by night time. Haven?t even had to take any sleeping pills. How bizzare that the one pill that used to help me get through the day and sleep at night turned into horrible head aches and dozing up on sleeping pills just to get a few hours kip at night. I?ve felt no need or desire to have anymore than 3 at all for the last 2 days. I did try 2 n half this morning but I guess psychologically I thought instantly that 2 n half wouldn?t be enough and I would crave that other half all day so I took the extra half anout 20 mins later. I?m waking up pretty much like clock work every 24 hours. I have to take them between 7/7:30 every morning - I tried this morning to wait until AFTER my morning coffee and shower but could already feel my stomach churning and wanting to rush to the loo. So other than 3 dihydrocodeine since Sunday I?ve taken absolutely no other pills except vitamins. No sleeping pills, no Valium (which doesn?t work for me
Anyway I just thought I?d give it a try during my withdrawal period to see how I felt) but no other opiate based drug has passed my lips. I am however beginning to feel nervous about the charity event tomorrow night, especially because I?m speaking so I?m a bit worried about how much more anxious I?ll feel in the morning and if that will push me to take 4 instead of 3. Then I?ll worry all day about the fact that I?m drinking. And I won?t lie about it. I will be having a drink. Hopefully not shit faced - but I?ll need something to get me on stage and up on that dance floor with everyone else. To meet me in person you would never imagine I have these insecurities. I?ve spoken at an event before with my husbands work and my husband was very proud and everyone was complimenting me one my ?confidence? and what a natural I was.
Ha what a joke. I had a full bottle of wine before I even turned up at the event. I?m hoping to be drunk enough to dance and have fun but not enough that I?ll want to just sleep. I?m toying with the idea of staying awake all night and then sleeping on Sunday. My fear of going to sleep and not waking up is so
Instilled in me it?s scary. I?m also hyper aware of anything bad happening in my life again, as in bad enough to drive me back to the pills. My papas death is what started me on this slippery slope. I?m also waiting to hear back about a really good job I?ve applied for, and I know if I don?t get it, that will knock my confidence and could drive me back again. Bizarrely when I was only 16 I was modelling for a local catalogue and it was mentioned I could do with losing just a couple of pounds. I was the perfect weight for my age and height but I got so hurt by this I barely ate for 6 months. Thankfully I just snapped out of it and started eating again without needing any hospital intervention. I was sitting at 6 stone by this point. I got back up on my own though. I was the same when I was drinking a lot a long time and doing crazy stuff.
One day I snapped and I?d had enough and just stopped and now I hardly ever touch it and I only ever have the desire to under socially awkward situations where
I don?t know anyone well and I?m
Out of my comfort zone. Same with the Valium. They Jusy stopped doing anything for me. There was no buzz or high anymore so I just stopped. Still allowed my repeat prescriptions to keep coming though and have hundreds of them in my medicine box. I simply cannot give up that ?crutch? despite it doesn?t appear to work for me anymore. I definitely have the physical addiction-but believe the mental
Part is what I will struggle with should
I ever be able to completely stop. Again thankyou all so
Much for new continued support.
Pray for me to survive tomorrow night and hopefully be able to post on Sunday ?

Anna xxx

 

[spacejunk]

Oh another guy on a fb support group said I was ?just a pretty face hiding behind a dangerous addiction and I was fooling nobody with my 3 a day bullshit?!! And it?s really not BS. I?m
On 3 a day and I disagree with him that I should go onto methadone. Comments like his make me feel like absolute crap ��

Ignore people's ignorance. People have said horrible things to me at AA meetings and I just let it roll off because I need AA, AA doesn't need me. I just don't go back to that meeting. And just about anything on the internet should be taken with heaping spoonfuls of salt. People can say whatever they want largely anonymously with little or no consequences. There are many paths to sobriety. People can get very narrow minded that what works for them is the only way but people can be narrow minded. Water off a duck's back. Ignore 'em.

"There are many paths to sobriety".
so very true.

FB is where we go to lie to our so called friends, BL is where we are truthful with complete strangers. I would not give those people a chance to poison your mind.

^ this!!! don't listen to assholes on facebook. shit like that isn't tolerated on bluelight, because you need a bit of understanding - not insulting judgement that upsets you. i honestly think it's best to avoid platforms where people can say nasty shit to you.
the online world is a battlefield to some sad people, and you need to be able to let your guard down to talk about stuff like this, at least in my experience/opinion.

i just wanted to say that i'm in total agreement with pretty much everything oldhippytony is saying. if you're anything like me, with decades of experience taking drugs - and over a decade of full blown opiate addiction - you come to have a lot of knowledge in these things.
i certainly agree that maintaining a constant dose is ideal when you're tapering. it's good to allow your body to stabilise after every reduction you take in dose, as well. the more gradually you can do it, the less painful it is.
if you're anything like me, and have a pretty strong fear of withdrawal, it's worth the considerable effort.

wishing you all the best tomorrow night.
just take whatever dose you're comfortable with (tapering can wait - it tends to increase anxiety if your dose isn't quite holding you).
and as old mate tony said, go easy on the alcohol, and you'll be right. just be careful and i'm sure you'll be fine.
and yeah - don't take any benzos!

 

[AddictedAnna]

Thankyou space junk. Yeah I?ve not been back on that fb group. It made me question how badly I wanted this etc and omg I really do want to be free from a daily life of pills. Just a bloody terrifying experience I had in withdrawals that has
Genuinely scared me for life. I read lots of people say cold turkey worked best because the pain was so bad it made them terrified to ever try their drug of choice again. For me the pain was so bad I had to take - and now I?m terrified of ever going cold turkey again so comments about people having to MAN UP and some pain would be worth it in the end etc etc made me feel like I was weak, not strong. Didn?t care about my kids enough to push through the
Pain and get clean. Maybe my pain threshold isn?t very strong. But I took the withdrawals really really badly. As you know I ended up on the bathroom
Floor in my own blood, vomit and feaces. Disgusting. I felt like I had no choice but to take again. Others have said I did have a choice but at the time I didn?t think I did. 2 kids die home from school and nursery and I?m on my bathroom floor like that?!! No chance. I was still having green watery diarrhoea for 2 days after it. Stomach pains like I?d done 5,000 sit ups because of all the spasms and cramps I had during it. Worst experience ever. I?ll get there one day I hope. Even if I have to accept that I may get down to 2 a day and it could take me months and months to make the final leap to 1, then 0!! I know someone with very genuine painful
Conditions who has to take these every day and more to be able
To walk across the road. She has been on them for years and her heart hasn?t given out. Granted I don?t believe she has abused them like have on and off for years - I?ve seen her Monday to Sunday pill box with every tablet she needs to take daily so I think she has always stuck to recommended dose, but apart from her brittle bones etc she has lived for years on these types of pills. She doesn?t drink though so I guess she doesn?t need to worry about respiratory failure in her sleep due to mixing them both. When I look back over the years at all the times I would literally take about 100mg Valium, beta blockers, and then go out and get blind drunk it?s really a wonder I?m
Still alive. And not once did I ever worry about respiratory failure or heart failure. Just assumed they said not to mix because it could make you more drunk. Immaturity I suppose. As I?ve aged and came to the realisation that I?m an addict and probably have been for years I started delving deeper into the long term effects of what I was doing
To myself and scared the shit out myself and now I really want to be done with them.
Are most of you who have replied clean
Now or still working on it? Did you ever have massive relapses where you ended up taking more than you did before you managed some sober time? ?

Anna xxx

 

[Jabberwocky]

I always felt the thing about pain somehow helping promote recovery is bullshit.

The reality is that addiction, especially opioid addiction, involves a LOT of pain and suffering. The vast majority of people don't find the kind of opioid use that can lead to a disorder desirable because it clearly involves more pain and suffering than their normal baseline. No one who isn't already struggling with serious emotional/psychological/spiritual/physical PAIN would ever consider getting seriously involved with opioid use. The fact opioids are so desirable for someone indicates that they experience far more pain and suffering as their baseline mood than others.

So the idea that MORE pain would somehow enhance one's chances in recovery is mind boggling to me. Pain isn't necessarily a bad thing by any means, but pain itself isn't helpful unless one has the ability to weather it and the tools to help them turn pain as an obstacle into pain as an opportunity for personal growth.

I'm a huge fan of the "gentler" approach to recovery. That is, recovery that is kind, authentic and feels right. There is so much emphasis on confrontation within the conventional wisdom on addiction and recovery. I found it entirely counter productive. Like pain, confrontation isn't helpful is the individual doesn't have the tools or ability to use confrontation as a vehicle for growth.

I'm a big fan of people learning tools to help them weather any storm. There was an okay article on mindfulness and relapse you might find interesting on this note (https://www.thefix.com/can-mindfulness-meditation-prevent-relapse). For me the missing pieces of the puzzle were long term ORT (methadone, where I spent a year stabilizing and then one and a half years tapering) and establishing a mindfulness practice. It can be difficult to find good mindfulness and meditation teachers, but the tools they teach have been absolutely life changing for me.

I struggled for about a decade with opioid use, addiction, lapses and relapses. Things a very different from me than they were when I first started trying to get into recovery seven years ago.

Also, the most effective kicks I've had were also the least uncomfortable. No kick is easy, but I find is much harder to stay sober when I really have a difficult time kicking. For whatever it's worth, it seems like people who say they benefited from the pain involved in kicking weren't able to get proper care for the withdrawal/detoxification process. Given the effective and safe treatments commonly accessible for opioid withdrawal, there is no reason anyone should ever have to suffer going through the detox process. Even with the right meds and treatment it isn't fun or easy, but it doesn't necessarily have to involve that kind of suffering.

How you identify is up to you, but I never found the addict identity particular helpful. Way to much baggage. I'm a drug user who experienced addiction, for sure, but I'm way more than either a drug user or an addict (in any sense of the term).

Although I experienced a freak OD due to struggling with grief and not taking care of myself after getting off methadone, I identify as having been sober for about four years, and I haven't touched or had any desire to use heroin/other opioids since getting off methadone (with the exception of that OD, which was exceptional).

 

[aihfl]

When I look back over the years at all the times I would literally take about 100mg Valium, beta blockers, and then go out and get blind drunk it?s really a wonder I?m Still alive.

Combining benzos and alcohol is bad news. I got my DUI when I had taken God only knows how much Ativan and I had an open container of vodka in the passenger seat next to me. I don't remember the traffic stop, I don't remember being arrested, I just remember waking up in jail. The police report was hair raising. I was on the highway and apparently when I saw the lights behind me, I drove into the median strip between the lanes of traffic overcorrected, and pulled off to the side of the road narrowly missing the trailer of a truck. It is miraculous that I didn't kill or maim myself or someone else, or both.

Are most of you who have replied clean Now or still working on it? Did you ever have massive relapses where you ended up taking more than you did before you managed some sober time? ��

I was clean and only taking benzos as prescribed for about a year. I fell off the wagon and went on a four month on again off again binge following a near arrest for assault. It culminated in a 6 day hospital stay for a medical detox. As of today, Feb. 23rd, I am 34 days clean. And yes, when I pick up alcohol, I always pick up in a worse place than I was when I stopped.

 

[AddictedAnna]

Been there Aihfl ..... not in years mind, but used to binge drink on Valium which has resulted in 4 assault charges, breach of peace, drink driving, woken up in the cells 3 times barely remembering what I?d done. After peobabtion and community service and massive fines I was told by my lawyer and the judge my next step was jail. I really got a fright that time and genuinely turned my life around. Stopping drinking was easy. I was never physically addicted. It was all
Psychological and just wanting to escape. I?ll have a drink tonight and might not touch another drop for months. I have a toddler Aswell so having her helps me a lot with not partying like I used to. Hangovers and a baby and hardly anyone to help is a huge deterrent. I always make sure I go home early on a night out Aswell. I?ve often went out at 7:30 and by 10:30 I get my husband to pick me up. I have this fear instilled in my to watch what I?m doing when I ever drink now for fear. Luckily it?s been years since anything happened and I?ve never even considered jumping into my car with even one drink in me. I won?t even drive the following day now at all. I definitely have a very addictive personality though. I?ve always needed something to cling onto. I can?t remember what it feels like
To be completely free of anything. I?m
Always looking to fill some sort of void. But i genuinely did start on these pills after a 5 day stay in hospital in pain doped up on morphine and pain killers due to a painful condition that affects your sternum and rib cage etc. I was in agony and I really did need them at first but then the pain started to go, papa got sick and it was horrible to watch every day and then he died and I just started popping them
Like sweets to get through the day. This is another fear of mine - getting clean and grief swamping me. I mean I?ve cried almost every day since I lost my papa and then my gran - but what if this isn?t real grief and when/if I ever get totally clean it just smacks me right in the face and then I will want to use again. ??

Anna xxx