Well crap

[Beenbetter]

The call I?ve been dreading to get came last Thursday night/ early Friday morning. I had made the huge decision to straighten up all the way, let the bupe take over, go through complete hell until I stabilize on it which has been the hardest thing ever. Mainly because I cannot sleep. I believe my habit was/is a little larger than what bupe can easily take care of.
I was struggling with rls badly that first night, and awoke in a panic which isn?t all that uncommon but I had this awful feeling that my dad had died. I kept trying to convince myself that it was just another panic attack and these hellish feelings would pass. Then an hr later my wife came out of the bedroom holding the puppy at 3:00 am while on the phone.
I knew.
Dad was gone. When your that close to someone I truly believe you have a special bond where they are with you at all times but I?ve never felt so alone.
Needless to say I?m pretty much back to square one after a week of using to help me through the week of preparing to bury Dad.
I know I couldn?t have handled this the way I did had I took a different route. I know it sounds horrible but it?s what I did.
My dad was/Is my hero and best friend and I made him a promise to end this struggle he knew I was dealing with. He beat his addiction issues like a boss, and I want to be just like him.
I could definitely use the prayers from those on here that believe in a higher power. I?m gonna give this shit a real go. I?m scared shitless of life without Dad and life without the crutch of being able to numb my mental pain but I must. I feel great when I get stabilized on bupe but getting there is the hardest. Wish me luck or even better pray for our family.
This has really taken it out of us.
Thx

 

[determinedmom53]

I'm new here but I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost 2 very close family members and it sucks but each day is a little better. I've only been posting for one day but I already know from the excellent moderators to give myself a break. We are all our own worse enemy so to copy Sim... be kind to yourself. You have people who love you and I believe your dad is watching you giving you strength. How nice that he knew and was supporting you. I often regret not telling mine what I was going through so now I talk to my lost loved ones all the time and somehow it makes me feel better. Sad, but better. Prayers and blessings to you and yours.

 

[simco]

I feel like a lot of us get pretty 'skilled' as handling acute WD symptoms...detoxing for one reason or another, to one degree or another, is just a part of life when you've got a habit. But what I've never seen anyone master is the fucked up headspace that WDs tend to invoke. It can be so brutal, no matter how many times you've been through it. Each time seems like its own special hell. When life drops a bomb like this, the bleakness just ratchets way up.

It's great that you've got your dad's example to follow. But your journey will be your own. Keep his example close to you as you go. But you'll beat this by finding what's authentically *you*, what allows you to be yourself without counting the minutes till you can fix. Here's hoping we all find that authenticity.

 

[Beenbetter]

I hope to find myself soon. I have to.
My dad would be soooo disappointed.
I have to finish what I started for him. Any suggestions to help me become stable on the subs.

 

[simco]

Are you getting your subs from a doctor/clinic? If so, I'd definitely start by talking to whoever is handling your case. Is that a viable option?

 

[tired of crap]

Hey bb,

Im sorry for your loss man.
I can relate though. My Mom passed last January and some days its still not easy. That first week though... It seemed so surreal.

As Sim said, use your Dads experiences in overcoming addiction as inspiration. But I too would suggest trying not to compare your recovery to his. We're all different and so are our paths.

Sending love.
Take care.
toc

 

[Trabbamab]

Very sorry to hear this. I lost my dad a couple of years ago pretty randomly and it absolutely gutted me. It sounds like you have faith, so one thing I thought of after he passed was that he is now watching me and seeing what I am doing. For some people that can be an extra push to get back on the train with recovery. You made a promise and now he is watching over you.

If you are having a really hard time with Suboxone and you get it as a prescription from a doctor, you may perhaps consider going to a methadone clinic in your area if you have one. Most of them do both methadone and Suboxone treatment now and you would likely benefit from having more daily contact with the prescriber. They could adjust your dose as needed daily and can better manage your symptoms. You may have also had a bit more of a habit than Suboxone is typically recommended for. In that case, the clinic could also meet your needs by starting you on methadone and then working you down to a dose that would make for an easier jump to Suboxone. You could always call one and go check it out to talk to them. If you like what they are offering, sign up.

Best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Beenbetter]

Thx trabba.
That is good advice. I know methadone is probably what I need to do to actually stabilize my life but there is another problem I have that keeps me from going there.
Benzos.
Without a little bit of benzos I am a wreck. I can?t sleep, have terrible panic,anxiety etc.
I really am a mess right now and need to get stable on something in the worst way. I have no coping skills to deal with my emotions. I have always masked my feelings with drugs and alcohol. My dad would be so disappointed in me. I have to make him proud as now I know he is always looking down at me from heaven and I can?t
He was such a strong man and beat his addiction and depression the old school way. The way I did it the first time.
I feel like such a failure.
I used to be the best husband, father, and son to my parents. I now feel like a loser which makes all this harder to deal with.

 

[KraziKat]

Sending vibes your way. Please, don't be too hard on yourself. As mentioned above, you'll do it, you've got this, and you'll do it your way.