S
scum_fuck
Guest
Okay, I'm just gonna to the chase.
When I was a young teen, I used to touch on & dry hump my cousin who is three & a half years younger than me in private every once in a while for about three years. This came to be after we would occasionally wrestle & horseplay with each other, which stimulated me, for some dumb ass assinine reason. Each time I did this don't recall ever physically harming, coerceing, forcing her, or threatening into doing it. (I also never threatened to do anything to her if she thought about about telling). Each time after I would touch &/or dry hump her, I AUTOMATICALLY felt like a piece of shit & apologized to her each time. I stopped doing this years ago, because I noticed that she was starting to get annoyed by it.
Each time I thought about this, I would always feel like the world's biggest piece of fucking shit, but I never bothered looked into it any deeper because I never had any ill-intentions as a child & I just wanted the memory of me doing that embarrassing scummy shit out of my head. This feeling of guilty & shame finally reached it's peak, when last month, I started doing research on Google about this, & I have come to the conclusion that....maybe I've sexually abused her.
Ever since then, I've been feeling like the absolute worst. I've been having difficulty trying to focus on other things, I've been crying & praying constantly for forgiveness & repentance for my sins, there were some nights where I had difficulty sleeping & I've been fearing about the consequences if this ever got out to the public. Everyone would fucking hate me & would not want to be associated with me, especially considering the #MeToo movement going on, who would probably have a fucking field day with me. My family & friends would disown me & would never forgive me of this. I've only told one of my closest friends about this, (they seem forgiving), but that's it.
The thing is, me & my cousin seem to be on good terms for the most part. We still talk, hang out, & stuff, but just...I just don't know. I don't know if she's genuinely okay or she's hiding the pain & pretending to be happy. I still feel like I may have abused her in some way. I still feel guilty about it.
I apologize for what I've done. I'm not gonna sit here & excuse what I did. There is absolutely no excuse/reason for what I did. I should've used my fucking brain & thought twice before doing this deplorable shit. I want to do something to help her out for any pain that she's currently going through. I really want to make this right.
I want you guys to tell me: was this just child experimentation or was this sexual abuse? I need to know. Please be honest with me.
Please help me. I'm considering suicide because I can't deal with this anymore.
When I was a young teen, I used to touch on & dry hump my cousin who is three & a half years younger than me in private every once in a while for about three years. This came to be after we would occasionally wrestle & horseplay with each other, which stimulated me, for some dumb ass assinine reason. Each time I did this don't recall ever physically harming, coerceing, forcing her, or threatening into doing it. (I also never threatened to do anything to her if she thought about about telling). Each time after I would touch &/or dry hump her, I AUTOMATICALLY felt like a piece of shit & apologized to her each time. I stopped doing this years ago, because I noticed that she was starting to get annoyed by it.
Each time I thought about this, I would always feel like the world's biggest piece of fucking shit, but I never bothered looked into it any deeper because I never had any ill-intentions as a child & I just wanted the memory of me doing that embarrassing scummy shit out of my head. This feeling of guilty & shame finally reached it's peak, when last month, I started doing research on Google about this, & I have come to the conclusion that....maybe I've sexually abused her.
Ever since then, I've been feeling like the absolute worst. I've been having difficulty trying to focus on other things, I've been crying & praying constantly for forgiveness & repentance for my sins, there were some nights where I had difficulty sleeping & I've been fearing about the consequences if this ever got out to the public. Everyone would fucking hate me & would not want to be associated with me, especially considering the #MeToo movement going on, who would probably have a fucking field day with me. My family & friends would disown me & would never forgive me of this. I've only told one of my closest friends about this, (they seem forgiving), but that's it.
The thing is, me & my cousin seem to be on good terms for the most part. We still talk, hang out, & stuff, but just...I just don't know. I don't know if she's genuinely okay or she's hiding the pain & pretending to be happy. I still feel like I may have abused her in some way. I still feel guilty about it.
I apologize for what I've done. I'm not gonna sit here & excuse what I did. There is absolutely no excuse/reason for what I did. I should've used my fucking brain & thought twice before doing this deplorable shit. I want to do something to help her out for any pain that she's currently going through. I really want to make this right.
I want you guys to tell me: was this just child experimentation or was this sexual abuse? I need to know. Please be honest with me.
Please help me. I'm considering suicide because I can't deal with this anymore.