Childhood Expereimentation or Sexual Abuse?! PLEASE HELP ME I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!

[scum_fuck]

Okay, I'm just gonna to the chase.

When I was a young teen, I used to touch on & dry hump my cousin who is three & a half years younger than me in private every once in a while for about three years. This came to be after we would occasionally wrestle & horseplay with each other, which stimulated me, for some dumb ass assinine reason. Each time I did this don't recall ever physically harming, coerceing, forcing her, or threatening into doing it. (I also never threatened to do anything to her if she thought about about telling). Each time after I would touch &/or dry hump her, I AUTOMATICALLY felt like a piece of shit & apologized to her each time. I stopped doing this years ago, because I noticed that she was starting to get annoyed by it.

Each time I thought about this, I would always feel like the world's biggest piece of fucking shit, but I never bothered looked into it any deeper because I never had any ill-intentions as a child & I just wanted the memory of me doing that embarrassing scummy shit out of my head. This feeling of guilty & shame finally reached it's peak, when last month, I started doing research on Google about this, & I have come to the conclusion that....maybe I've sexually abused her.

Ever since then, I've been feeling like the absolute worst. I've been having difficulty trying to focus on other things, I've been crying & praying constantly for forgiveness & repentance for my sins, there were some nights where I had difficulty sleeping & I've been fearing about the consequences if this ever got out to the public. Everyone would fucking hate me & would not want to be associated with me, especially considering the #MeToo movement going on, who would probably have a fucking field day with me. My family & friends would disown me & would never forgive me of this. I've only told one of my closest friends about this, (they seem forgiving), but that's it.

The thing is, me & my cousin seem to be on good terms for the most part. We still talk, hang out, & stuff, but just...I just don't know. I don't know if she's genuinely okay or she's hiding the pain & pretending to be happy. I still feel like I may have abused her in some way. I still feel guilty about it.

I apologize for what I've done. I'm not gonna sit here & excuse what I did. There is absolutely no excuse/reason for what I did. I should've used my fucking brain & thought twice before doing this deplorable shit. I want to do something to help her out for any pain that she's currently going through. I really want to make this right.

I want you guys to tell me: was this just child experimentation or was this sexual abuse? I need to know. Please be honest with me.

Please help me. I'm considering suicide because I can't deal with this anymore.

 

[JahSEEuS]

The fact that you are bothered by this shows that you have some understanding and remorse.

You have stopped doing it which is good. You should talk to a professional about your feelings if possible.

It sounds like you've apologized to her countless times, and she seems ok. I don't know if it's a good idea to hash this out with her, or how old she is, or how mature and mentally capable she is of putting her feelings about it into words and forgiving you.

I think it's pretty natural for children to become aroused and become physical. If you make a real account here, PM me I can talk to you about some of my experiences, the sort I'm not comfortable about discussing here.

 

[BeachBum4u]

I'm sorry if I missed this but what were both of your ages when this was happening?

I remember way back when I was probably around 7 or 8 my cousin-F and I -M used to talk about "playing doctor" or the good old, show me yours and I'll show you mine game. It never went anywhere but honestly I think this kind of thing is a lot more common than folks may think. Please let me know your ages, OK?

 

[Larimar]

I think it was just experimenting. When I was younger I messed around with my friends and some neighbor boys . The normal playing doctor and pretending sex. If everyone was honest I think most people have done that kind of stuff. If your cousin has no problem with you and you guys are friends now , then I would just leave it alone . Dont beat your self up ! If it was not done maliciously and there was no coercion then it was just experimenting and no harm was done .

 

[simco]

You were just a kid. No, it's not behavior I'd dwell on. But I think, as others have said, that it's within the bounds of normal experimentation and boundary finding. Larimar makes a great point--I think almost all of us did some stuff when we were young that chills us now.

 

[HarryKeery]

Our brains are incredibly far from the completion of development at the ages you're speaking of. We're essentially changing entities from day to day during those stages of growth; top that off with a healthy dose of hormones and chemicals naturally running through our bodies in massive doses, and at times completely out of whack.

To illustrate this: this is why our courts of law and other legal entities have special dealings with minors. Even though you may feel you were "who you are now", or that you were "already grown up": You weren't.

From what I'm reading of your post, you were incredibly confused. You would engage in such behaviours, but immediately afterwards feel great remorse, guilt, shame and the like.

What's more important is that you recognized this as something which disgusted you while doing it in the past, and you're most certainly disgusted and feeling shameful about it now. I'm of course not a professional in these regards, or some sort of psychologist, but I think it's very healthy that you feel this was wrong. It would be alarming if you DIDN'T think it was wrong, which is clearly not the case.

First, please do not act on, or further consider suicide as an option to this. It isn't. It's an option for very few things, really.

When was the last time you've spoken with her about this, if I may ask? Was it in the past when you were apologizing, or have you since had a discourse about it after becoming adults?

As well, how old was she at the time? And how old would you be now, dude?

Cheers.