Mental Health Am I suffering with Depersonalization?

[ThomasD]

I can't tell if I'm suffering from Depersonalization. I was heavily emotionally abused as a child. I know I suffer from depression, anhedonia and anxiety, but i've been unable to tell if I have DP. That doesn't mean I don't though because I couldn't tell I was depressed when I was an early teen. The reason i'm not sure is because I match up perfectly with some symptoms, and others I don't even have slightly.

I feel as though i'm observing my thoughts and my life, almost like it's a game (feels like this more than a movie to me). Things that should worry me, like being in debt, just aren't. However, I do not feel detached from my body, just my mind. All of my body feels real to me, and this seems to be a major indication of DP, but I don't have this symptom. I do not feel in control of my speech or movements, and my words seem to be slurred a lot. My emotions are fairly numb, however I do feel them, its just not the same as it used to be. I feel like I'm on auto pilot every day, I try my best to make the day go by as fast as possible so I can just sleep. My memories feel distant and strange, and I have very few of them. My short term memory doesn't exist, and it didn't exist before I began smoking pot.

Another reason i'm unsure is because I do not feel as though the world isn't real, which is another major symptom (derealization). The world feels real, I just feel disconnected from it, and myself. I feel like i'm just existing, basically.

My doctor is shit and can't tell if i'm suffering from it. Either way it controls my life.

Another thing I should mention is that looking in the mirror scares me, I try not to do it because I feel like i'm looking at a dead body.

 

[ThomasD]

Another thing is that I can't tell if all my memories feel like they happened yesterday or a million years ago. My memory doesn't seem to have a perception of time.

 

[Escape Fantasy]

I don't know, have you been using drugs? Do you have a job? Have you been going to school? Well, yeah. If you're not doing anything with your life then real life can seem rather meaningless and dull.

Humans need to have some sense of purpose, hope for the future, social-connection, and have peace and well-being.

 

[ThomasD]

Had to quit college due to mental illnesses. It was doing me more harm than good. I'm interested in a job, but where I live all there is to do is working in shops or being a construction worker / builder / that kind of thing, really nothing i'm into. Yes, my life doesn't have a sense of purpose, hope, peace or well-being. In fact, I can tell i'm only getting worse and worse - not as a person, but my mind is going a bit crazy, I can almost see it happening each day as it comes. I get quite literally nothing out of life, and I get nothing out of socializing because I never feel like i'm actually there experiencing it.

 

[Escape Fantasy]

Hey, I know it can feel like school does more harm than good when you have a mental illness but, it doesn't. I have mental illness and I still attend, had to drop twice before I started attending regularly again to finally come to my senses that school was important. I know a lot of the kids must think I'm weird but, every month I get a little bit better and start sobering up.

It's like I can literally feel my "normality" come back to me every month in school if that makes sense. You can't be a quitter. Believe me, school is the only way! I use to know of a construction worker who would literally do cocaine every week to go to work high and rack up money in his bank only to blow it all away in Vegas.

It's not a very fulfilling life. Attend a community college, they accept anybody there. You'll make it. You get smarter there. You just need to re-train your brain and you'll see making friends and socializing isn't so hard, my dude

 

[SamanthaB]

It does sound like you are having Depersonalization symptoms, which are feelings of detachment or estrangement from one's self. Derealization are feelings that your perception of reality feels distorted and can feel like you are detached from the outside world. It can also feel like living in a dream.

Given your "heavy abuse" you suffered as a child, I think it would be very wise for you to go and see a mental health professional to deal with all the feelings you are having currently and what has happened in your past.

I had feelings of depersonalization once in my life for a good part of a day. I was going through a divorce and when people were talking what I heard was delayed. After a good night's sleep, it went away. Most people have one or both of these things happen in their lives at least once. However, I would say that what you are experiencing goes far beyond what happened with me.

I wish you nothing but the best as you deal with this.