A story with antidepressants, drugs, parties and girls

[The_hypomanic]

Hello bluelight.
16 of October was the last day of SWIM. The last day he could remember as feeling "normal".
He is 20, he lost his purpose long time ago. a past of depression and anxiety with delusions since his father killed himself at swim age of 14, the teenage years instead of developing as a normal teenager he has been more and more withdrawn, depressed, irritated, aggressive, nihilistic with some delusions.
To be short, at 20 he crashed completely into the deepest depression he ever had, after he was kind-of-maniac, had some crazy ideas about everything and a totally isolated life, unable to make friends, just had people that were around for maximum few months then swim would withdrawn himself again, delete all the numbers and every now and then he would start doing things again, going out, do some socialising, to get back again to the point of withdrawing himself from people by getting some crazy anxiety with depression, and he thinks all that started since he experienced the trauma about his father(which also had a history of depression and alcohol abuse, but never abnormal behaviour of mania)
In March 2017, swim being a completely wreck emotionally, developed high anxiety and depression that would make him a very weird individual, he has been to GP to ask for help, which put him on antidepressants.
Fast forward, in the first 1 2 months he felt like crazy having increased anxiety, then slowly feeling better, summer was there already, he started to have the feeling of well being that he lost since he was a kid, it was really first time when he felt "normal", although, he never knew what feeling normal is having the emotional instability since he was really young.
Feeling good on antidepressants, getting confidence, the anti anxiety effect was working so well that he got excited, he did enjoy talking a lot, doing a lot of things, he started better jobs, getting to know a lot of people, and because he would be so excited over feeling good, he started parties, taking risks, spending money, drugs..
He felt good for few months, starting to build a life, to work, to enjoy do things, to meet girls and to not being scared to do things that he never did, his paranoia and nihilistic thoughts were gone..
Then it was October, working weekdays, parting weekends, enjoying life as never did before, he started to get paid well, talk a lot, to be confident, focused, without paranoia and delusions, and all because the Sertraline.

Then, someday, he had a 4 days party, in which he missed 2 days of his pills, took coke, mdma, weed... Then it was Monday, after a 4 days of party, 2 days missed of his pills, he came home to sleep, thinking he would wake up and continue his life, but..

The hangover, the depression that is supposed to last 1-2 days, it's been months, since 16 October(that was the Monday where everything stopped), I slowly withdrawn again from people, lost job, my car, I couldn't afford the rent, moved back to my parents, 3 months after that weekend(today) I still can barely get out of my house and buy some food..
I hate myself for ruining my life over and over again, taking bad decisions that made me lose my young years, I wish I could just feel good like last summer..
I am bipolar? I just fucked myself with drugs? (Was taking coke almost every weekend for weeks, along with weed and alcohol)
Will I ever be able to build a life, without the fear that I will ruin everything? What I should do, just stop taking any drug and just taking my sertraline?

 

[Vazkor]

Hi there!
I'm sorry you feel this way. Some time ago, I also chose social isolement because of anxiety.

I've some remarks:
- abusing xtc can have long term effects. This will slowly get better.
- antidepressants are known to stop working after some time.
- docters should really only prescribe antidepressants with some other therapy (like cbt). You cannot solve your symptoms with chemical means only. Also the therapy might have prevented the story you wrote.
- xtc and antidepressants do affect your brain the same way. It's not advised to combine them.
- don't use swim. We all know it's you, it doesn't give you any legal protection, it make your post less readable and it's against bluelight rules.
- it seems you are wasting your life. Years from now, you'll realize you were just learning.
- if you're waiting for the symptoms of your xtc abuse to disappear, they never will. Don't overanalyze your feelings.

If I may give you an advice: return to your gp, tell him to story you wrote, let him solve the medical part of your symptoms and ask for a referral to a counsellor.

Much luck,

Vazkor

 

[Escape Fantasy]

Drugs are a temporary fix. Yes, it's sad what happened to you. This is why sometimes I think we inherit our parent's "fears" and "worries".

Best thing I could tell you is DON'T DO THE DRUGS. They're not good for you. It's fake happiness. Eventually, it just wrecks you even further.

As for your mental issue, go to school, get an education, you need to have a purpose. Let that be your therapy. But, get clean first. Literally, that's the only thing that's helped me along with exercise.

Recovery is possible, you are 20 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you to make something of yourself and start a family of your own one day with a father being there, meaning you.

Take the steps, you're on your own now.

 

[chrispche]

I find this post odd as Sertraline is an SSRI which blocks the effects of MDMA. No point in taking it if you are on such medications. It usually doesn't have any effect at all, maybe a slight stimulating one but nothing more than that. Good luck with your life.

 

[herbavore]

Get yourself stable again and stop using drugs recreationally for now. You have seen the improvement that was possible and you have now learned the fragility of that improvement. Why risk everything you have gained for a few hours of fun? I believe you can get back to where you were on the SSRI that was helping you. Then take it one step further and begin to address anxiety and depression and especially self-defeating internal dialogues by studying non-drug therapies to combat these overwhelming states. You have a lot of trauma to work through and for that you need a clear mind.