• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

what to do when quitting wasn't your choice

dixon99

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 9, 2018
Messages
22
so for the last 20 plus years I've been drinking alcohol pretty regularly. I took 2 years "off" to do oxy and then suboxone (about 7 years now). then back to drinking. up until Nov 2016, I would binge drinking 2 days a week, drink in moderation here and there. some nights I took ativan. just 1mg was enough. in Nov 2016, I had a medical scare...atrial fibrillation. it happened again in Dec 2016. scared the shit outta me. I quit drinking and smoking for that. doctor wasn't sure if alcohol caused it or not (since its been discovered that most likely not). I've had multiple tests and my heart is fine...no heart disease. I'm perfectly healthy. all of this (a fib and quitting my comfortable life) gave me bad anxiety and I wad mistakenly put on an antipsychotic med. it helped for 2 weeks and then never again. I'm tapering off that now (another post about that) and I'm just about off it.

anyway...i haven't drank or smoked or anything for 14 months. it wasn't my choice to quit. I've been dealing with anxiety the last year. life just doesn't seem as fun. I'm constantly thinking about going back to drinking. my cardiologist said I can...but I should in moderation or I might be risking a fib. I've thought about taking oxy again but I have a wife and kids that I'd probably lose if I did.

I really did not want to quit the life I was living. it wasn't my choice. sometimes im not sure what to do with myself now. I'm into outdoor stuff and survivalism. I'm trying to get back to that minus alcohol, cigarettes, etc. for some reason it's hard. just not the same. I have a therapist I see a couple times a month. she's helping. but it's been 14 months. I used to live this carefree fearless reckless lifestyle. now I'm super healthy and most days am so uncomfortable.

anyway thanks for reading. I was wondering if anyone can relate. if it's normal after 14 months sober to feel bored by life still. does it get easier. I have kids I love to death and I'm desperate to be myself again...its just hard to see that without alcohol or some type of substance.
 
I think there are a lot of people out there that need more adrenaline than normal everyday life has to offer. I thought of this when you said your interests are survivalism and the outdoors. Maybe the craving to alter your consciousness to that extent stems from this?

My suggestion is to make a project out of tackling the anxiety. There are so many non-drug approaches that really do work. Just do a google search and follow all the leads and see if you cannot connect with some of the resources (self-help books that focus on developing awareness of detrimental thought patterns, mindfulness, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy,etc). So that is one thing that you could do to address the anxiety component.

But the adrenaline component may be a bigger factor. I would push myself to get out there in the wilderness as much as possible. Nothing clears your head better than wilderness ime. Maybe for the times when you cannot do that and you have to attend to the banalities of family life, work etc, you could take up something that also gives you and adrenaline rush (rock-climbing? surfing?)

And, since you are a parent, here is something worth thinking about: everything you do is observed by your kids as how to be an adult. If they observe that there is no fun to be had without a substance, no problem emotion that cannot be addressed without a substance, they will have to undo this knowledge when the time comes for them to be navigating their own way into adulthood. Show them that life has dull times (that can be borne), difficult times (that can be surmounted) and that it is all part of being human and doing the human balancing act.

Do you feel like you could drink in moderation? For me the most important thing is not feeling controlled by a substance or anything else.
 
I think you are probably right. Ive always been a bit of a thrill seeker and looking to top myself. I've had a lot of fun exciting adventures in my life. I have been working on my anxiety over the last 6 months. I actively am doing CBT. Ive tried meditation and mindfulness without too much success. I have worked a lot on my thinking and thought patterns. Its clear that my drinking was controlling my anxiety over the years (my psych doctor actually tested me and learned that my glutamate is overactive, which is an issue that is well controlled with alcohol and/or benzo's...so that makes sense).

I've been trying to get back to things I was involved in...the way I used to live...minus the drinking. Thats where I've kinda just been going through the motions of life over the last year. Not having that motivation. I dont particularly care for my work/career either so that doesnt help. I'm just kinda stuck in a rut right now and have been for awhile. Its hard because not everything in my life was perfect before but I was happy and really living life to the best I could.

Your point about my kids and being a role model for them is well taken. I agree with that and have thought of that. I never used to drink in front of my kids - they never saw me drunk. They are a little older now and I know as they got older, it wouldnt be hidden.

I'd like to say I could drink in moderation. I have before but never consistently. But I never really tried to hold myself back. I enjoyed drinking. I tell myself now that I would drink in moderation...but i dont know if I would or would want to.
 
Top