Where everything ends and everything begins

[Renewal]

In this Universe, I am nobody, and on this planet, I died a long time ago.
No I'm not high, and not an addict... yet... maybe... But isn't life itself an addiction? Of everything.
Everyone has a story. I have been reading these forums about... OK, many years now, more than five. Because I like to read anything with a certain atmosphere in it ever since I was a kid.
And I mainly listen and rarely speak. My story is a boring one. A metaphor. 28 years of pain, to describe it literally. About two years back someone annoyed me enough to go visit a doctor.
I don't like complaining, so that was a challenge. And sure enough, they can do nothing. Except feeding me pills.

I'm still breathing, because there was a surgeon who managed to put me back together
and a doctor who kept an eye on me to look for any signs of dying. And saved me again and again and again.

Well, this is a drugs forum. And I have shunned them all my life, starting from APAP and equivalent. Then there is this. The will to live. My stepfather lost his and got brutally murdered.
My father lost his at the end of a rope. Putting anything in your system that distorts reality comes from free will. I don't need or want an "experience", but I belong to the other side, to the distorted reality.
I have accumulated so many unfinished projects over the years, but now when I have become a customer of the Big Pharma and a guinea pig, the only thing left for me are my thoughts.
So basically, if I skip the chemicals, I'm high on pain, if I take them, I'm a zombie. Occasionally both at the same time. So I can't live my life as a corporate slave, which translates to "useless" in our society, and everything else is just hallucination.

 

[herbavore]

Chronic pain can certainly have you living in/on another plane. My condolences for your situation. I only have a very little inkling of it as I have a painful broken ankle at the moment and I completely get what you are saying about either "high on pain" or a "zombie" or both. My situation is temporary (I hope!) but to live with this reality all the time? Well, my sympathy and much respect for however you navigate it. There are two things that make a person aware of how solitary each of us really is--one is pain and the other is grief. Not everything that comes from that awareness is bad I've found.

Welcome to Bluelight. You may find, as I did when I joined, that TDS (The Dark Side) is a very wonderful community of struggling people that support each other regardless of how their struggles do or do not overlap.

 

[Renewal]

Thank you. Sincerely. What I have is headaches, 24 to 48 hour intervals, around four days a week. Every week, every month, all those years. They said "migraine". Yeah. I ended up being scripted 100mgs of Amitriptyline by my neurologist, I also went to the psychiatrist who took me off them immediately. And I was diagnosed with clinical depression, she gave me all the SSRIs on the list, one after another, which I can not take because I get a throat cramp that does not go away, from all of them. As the options ran out, I was randomly scripted Pregabalin for my anxiety and panic attacks. Nothing pharmaceutical has ever worked for my headaches, but this does. Sort of. As the final diagnosis was "post-traumatic headaches", there is only one option left, which is "chronic traumatic encephalopathy", and can only diagnosed after I die. So the joke's on me.
Currently I'm on that "wonder drug with a twist", Pregabalin, and recently switched from Diazepam to Clonazepam.

As for everything else, the only thing I remember from my life, is pain. Since my birth, they used forceps and almost crushed my head. I don't remember anything except pain, both physical and emotional, so I can't tell if it's good or bad. It's the essence of my life. I've decided that I choose the time and method when it's time to go. Just not yet.

 

[Swerlz]

Welcome to Bluelight

 

[herbavore]

Thank you. Sincerely. What I have is headaches, 24 to 48 hour intervals, around four days a week. Every week, every month, all those years. They said "migraine". Yeah. I ended up being scripted 100mgs of Amitriptyline by my neurologist, I also went to the psychiatrist who took me off them immediately. And I was diagnosed with clinical depression, she gave me all the SSRIs on the list, one after another, which I can not take because I get a throat cramp that does not go away, from all of them. As the options ran out, I was randomly scripted Pregabalin for my anxiety and panic attacks. Nothing pharmaceutical has ever worked for my headaches, but this does. Sort of. As the final diagnosis was "post-traumatic headaches", there is only one option left, which is "chronic traumatic encephalopathy", and can only diagnosed after I die. So the joke's on me.
Currently I'm on that "wonder drug with a twist", Pregabalin, and recently switched from Diazepam to Clonazepam.

As for everything else, the only thing I remember from my life, is pain. Since my birth, they used forceps and almost crushed my head. I don't remember anything except pain, both physical and emotional, so I can't tell if it's good or bad. It's the essence of my life. I've decided that I choose the time and method when it's time to go. Just not yet.

Your birth experience no doubt is related. Traumatic births are finally getting some scientific inquiry which is good but doesn't help you too much. I have a friend with severe migraines but she only gets them about once a month--I cannot imagine the cycle of 4 days a week! I'm glad at least that the Pregablin is helping. I have heard of some research being done into the use of psychedelics ( I think ayahuasca but can't remember--I'm old!) being used with some success for cluster headaches. Might be an interesting area for you to research.

 

[Renewal]

I haven't told anyone about my birth trauma, not to any doctor at least. I was crushed by a cargo truck when I was 11, this is what everything my treatment related is based on. I was fed through the tubes (jaw broken, both sides besides everything else), and they worked hard to keep me alive. Broken bones, internal bleeding and sepsis later on, I don't know who had it worse, doctors, or me. There was a child with kidney failure with me in intensive care, younger than me. He died. When I got finally home, I was somebody else, irreversibly. Today's medical conveyor belt system and the pressure put on doctors isn't helping. They have to justify and explain to the system every single script they write. They are being kept busy concentrating on their reputation and medical license rather than their patients. Cannabis for example, has not been scripted around here ever, to anyone, despite it being on the list for some ten years. It lowers the intracranial pressure and might help, but it's even refused as an end-of-life medication to terminal cancer patients. In other words, the system does not care. To be fair, I was offered a hospital treatment (experimentation), but refused. I have been brutally cut and drugged there, they saved my life, but since then I can't go near one.