Can't Talk to People -- Bad Anxiety

[Michael_25]

Hi all

I have bad social anxiety, so it affects my relationships. Thus, I don't have any friends and obviously no girlfriend. It's terrible. The worse part is trying to have a conversation with someone, as my voice gets croaky and fluctuates between a high and low pitch, and you can hear the trembling in my voice. I have been on diazepam for 5-odd years now and it is no longer effective in even somewhat curbing my anxiety. I therefore live a life of solitude.

It sucks having such low confidence that I can't even hold a conversation without it being odd and stilted. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'd like a normal life like everyone else; most people have a good social circle, and have had girlfriends. Me? Nothing. I asked out one girl for a coffee about 7 months ago but she stated that she's too busy with her studies to date. Bullshit. But I guess people don't want to be around a socially inept male. I've been seeing a clinical psychologist for over a year now but have made little headway, despite his protests saying that I have improved since I first saw him over a year ago. I call bullshit. He's saying that to humor me. I have the same anxiety when talking to him, too.

To pour salt onto the wound, I'm not physically attractive, or girls would actually look at me when I'm out and about in, say, the mall. Nope. In all my life I've had only two girls give me a double-take.

What can I do? I'm lost. All advice is appreciated. Thank you.

 

[touchofgrey92]

I am in nearly the same boat, been single for 25 years, severe social anxiety. I have not found a cure other than faith and trying to be positive. Just know your not alone.

 

[Michael_25]

I am in nearly the same boat, been single for 25 years, severe social anxiety. I have not found a cure other than faith and trying to be positive. Just know your not alone.

Can you at least hold a conversation without your voice breaking up badly?

 

[touchofgrey92]

Can you at least hold a conversation without your voice breaking up badly?

Nope, PM me anytime, I've got one of the worst cases known to man. and im unemployed because of all this. Currently breaking from Cannabis to see if that might help. But we'll see

 

[Michael_25]

Nope

Interesting. Most people who I met and were loners could at least carry on a normal, although rather mundane, conversation without a trembling voice. You and I are anomalies.

 

[pofacedhoe]

you have no self confiudence, people feed off the self confidence of others, if you think you are not good enough it will come through in your body language and people will pick up on it.

you have to learn to lie to yourself to convince yourself that you are more confident, thats how it begins.

most people are to some extent bullshiting themselves and the first step is to learn how to do it to yourself in a constructive way

 

[touchofgrey92]

That's interesting advice thanks.

 

[Michael_25]

you have no self confiudence, people feed off the self comnfidence of others, if you think you are not good enough it will come through in your body language and people will pick up on it.

you have to learn to lie to yourself to convince yourself that you are more confident, thats how it begins.

most people are to some extent bullshiting themselves and the first step is to learn how to do it to yourself in a constructive way

My psychologist says the same thing about my lack of self-confidence; that is, fake it till you make it. How do I do it in a "constructive way", as you stated? I have little going for me other than my academic credentials. However, in saying that, I still can't even find an entry-level job. People are judgemental creatures -- as they say, first impressions last. My first impression comes off as having little self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. If I had positive experiences in my life that would be a stepping-stone to building these vital interpersonal skills. I have had zero success and believe, by and large, people dislike me because I come off as so odd, which further compounds my current beliefs and confidence issues. How do you become confident when nearly nothing to date has panned out?

 

[wallywogs]

Maybe try and do things around other people where you aren't necessarily in a position to have to interact but can escape. I am thinking like a gym, library, coffee shop. Don't sit in your shit Brother. I am really fucked I am an introvert that can turn on extrovert at will. It saps my energy though..

 

[Michael_25]

Maybe try and do things around other people where you aren't necessarily in a position to have to interact but can escape. I am thinking like a gym, library, coffee shop. Don't sit in your shit Brother. I am really fucked I am an introvert that can turn on extrovert at will. It saps my energy though..

Yes, I do go to the gym. But painkillers kind of hinder my progress and goals. I self-medicate to ease the loneliness. The gym is one place, however, where I feel comfortable.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

OP I'm very similar to you, women just fucking hate me for some reason, so i hate them too... its all about confidence like someone else said, and if you don't got it, then pretend to have it

i like to pretend that i have confidence even tho i hate myself deep down, this accomplishes a few things: 1. it allows me to meet women initialy, sure I'm able to get sex from them, it doesn't matter that I'm a somewhat ok looking guy, you must appear to be confident/ sure of yourself even if your not. 2) when it goes badly you sort of bold up a tolerance for rejection and not care as much when you lose them

now heres the important part, heres how I'm able to fake having confidence- i like getting off lying to women pretending I'm a confident guy when really I'm not, it puts me in control makes me feel powerful because I'm sort of manipulating their minds... like i said it works at first but then i guess they can see through you after you have intercourse with them a few times...

i my sound like a psycho, but I'm just a guy trying to survive and adapt to this world

 

[Michael_25]

OP I'm very similar to you, women just fucking hate me for some reason, so i hate them too... its all about confidence like someone else said, and if you don't got it, then pretend to have it

i like to pretend that i have confidence even tho i hate myself deep down, this accomplishes a few things: 1. it allows me to meet women initialy, sure I'm able to get sex from them, it doesn't matter that I'm a somewhat ok looking guy, you must appear to be confident/ sure of yourself even if your not. 2) when it goes badly you sort of bold up a tolerance for rejection and not care as much when you lose them

now heres the important part, heres how I'm able to fake having confidence- i like getting off lying to women pretending I'm a confident guy when really I'm not, it puts me in control makes me feel powerful because I'm sort of manipulating their minds... like i said it works at first but then i guess they can see through you after you have intercourse with them a few times...

i my sound like a psycho, but I'm just a guy trying to survive and adapt to this world

I know what you mean. I seem to grow more resentful towards women as each day goes by. How else are you meant to feel when you have been treated with nothing but contempt from women? I don't even have to say shit -- they see me and and I can see the snarl form on their faces. Sucks. But such is life.

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Are they snarling at you or is that just your perception?

Everyone has some issues with insecurity however if you are giving off open hostile vibes how can you expect someone to be receptive towards you?

I don't believe in lying to someone just to make yourself feel good at the end of the day who wants to base a relationship based on a lie?

Be yourself that's my advice, remember not everyone is going to like you and vice versa - its not the end of the world.

Chalk it up to being different that's all.

 

[Michael_25]

Are they snarling at you or is that just your perception?

Everyone has some issues with insecurity however if you are giving off open hostile vibes how can you expect someone to be receptive towards you?

I don't believe in lying to someone just to make yourself feel good at the end of the day who wants to base a relationship based on a lie?

Be yourself that's my advice, remember not everyone is going to like you and vice versa - its not the end of the world.

Chalk it up to being different that's all.

First, I don't openly display any open hostility. I appear nonchalant.

Second, yes, we are all different. But 99.5% of the population can hold a 90 second conversation without their voice quivering -- it gets so bad that I have to repeat myself at times because certain words weren't even audible.

Third, "being myself" has got me NOWHERE in my life to date. Who wants to be with an unattractive male who can't even hold eye contact and hold a normal conversation? Nobody.

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Who says you are unattractive? You know what I might find attractive might not be what someone else does.
And if you are uncomfortable talking have you ever tried to get yourself out there more, practice makes perfect.
I think if anyone doesn't want to try understand you or get to know you that they might not be worth your time

 

[Michael_25]

Who says you are unattractive? You know what I might find attractive might not be what someone else does.
And if you are uncomfortable talking have you ever tried to get yourself out there more, practice makes perfect.
I think if anyone doesn't want to try understand you or get to know you that they might not be worth your time

Nobody has said it orally. I know because the opposite gender acts as if I'm invisible. Girls never flirt with me, eye fuck me, etc.

 

[Vastness]

Girls never flirt with me, eye fuck me, etc.

This doesn't mean you're unattractive - it doesn't mean anything. Girls generally will not approach people first, so the fact that you don't get stopped in the street by any number of beautiful women is not a good measure, because this is true for 99.999% of men.

As for "eye fucking"... are you certain that if a girl was "eye fucking" you, you would even notice? Or would you assume, "oh, she must be staring at me because I'm acting so weird" ...or because of any other self-defeating reason you could come up with?

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Nobody has said it orally. I know because the opposite gender acts as if I'm invisible. Girls never flirt with me, eye fuck me, etc.

I used to have serious issues with my looks.
Am I too thin or too fat and as I surrounded myself with genuine people that all subsided
IMHO most people feel insecure at some stage.
You are very articulate and I'm sure the right girl is out there for you.

 

[pofacedhoe]

My psychologist says the same thing about my lack of self-confidence; that is, fake it till you make it. How do I do it in a "constructive way", as you stated? I have little going for me other than my academic credentials. However, in saying that, I still can't even find an entry-level job. People are judgemental creatures -- as they say, first impressions last. My first impression comes off as having little self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. If I had positive experiences in my life that would be a stepping-stone to building these vital interpersonal skills. I have had zero success and believe, by and large, people dislike me because I come off as so odd, which further compounds my current beliefs and confidence issues. How do you become confident when nearly nothing to date has panned out?

you have food you have shelter i presume, your organs have not failed?

you just have a high bench of normal and what you deem to be shit life

imagine one where you struggle to exist to eat

then tell me your life is not a success.

just to exist is in itself by lifes definition to succeed

 

[BeachBum4u]

Dude, looks are very overrated. There are plenty of men out there in relationships who aren't good looking (by whoever's definition). Be yourself. Personally, sense of humor, paying attention to what the lady is saying are all traits that could help you land in a relationship with the opposite sex. And just put yourself out there. Yes, you may flop a few times in the process but accept that going in. Just keep at it and you may surprise yourself and things may just fall into place one day. Good luck!