The Cheater

[CheatingHart]

So I think I'll be at it again. i was a cheater until I met someone I was cheating with whom I decided to finally settle down with. I have been faithful for almost 4 years when all of a sudden something happened. I want to get mad at him because of this but I can't. He'll just hate me for making a big deal out of something petty. But idk, it's not petty for me cause I have decided to spend the rest of my life with him. And if my life coexists with someone who has too many issues and baggages in life (his own personal psyche has too many unconscious motives that he keeps on denying but is evident), I don't want to be the woman left hanging in the end. If these are petty things, what more the grave things...???

So anyway, I suddenly "woke up" ... like I realized if I am controlling my anger now for fear of our relationship, what then is left of me? I am taming myself to please him. Because he never understands me, he ends up turning everything around and self-pities. I tried to communicate but what else is left if he himself shuts an eye and manipulates me. So maybe I am needy or clingy or whatever. But truth is, he is, too. I don't have guy friends anymore, especially if they are "good looking," he also distanced himself from his guy friends for fear that they are the type to steal me. A year in this relationship i felt sad because i felt like i was trapped, wherein i can no longer be friends with people just because he gets jealous. I was a very open book to him but it was never enough. Because I did not like seeing him like that I voluntarily distanced myself away from others, just to compromise (and when he hears this, I bet he'd say he did not ask me to do it so it's nit his fault.) I knew in my heart he was the one i'll fight my life for. And I was willing to let everything go despite me being a flower who loves the spotlight and having many MANY friends. Everything I do I think of him. Will he be mad or sad or what. And i try to make sure he is happy of me. Sometimes of course I end up joking around with guys that he hates, and he gets really mad because apparently "i'm giving the wrong impression". I was never a timid and demure girl. I was liberal and carefree. I am a woman and proud of my sexual power over others. But i changed into a less flambouyant girl. If that's what being with him entailed.

But then again.... he hates me comparing. And i know i shouldn't compare but I guess today marks that day (and I told him about this day) that one day I'll wake up and not care anymore. In my heart I am grieving. I am heartbroken because I suddenly realized that maybe the forever I was dreaming of wasn't there in the first place. I am now at that stage that I am scared of, when I am no longer angry, I am just indifferent. And indifference scares me, because that's when I cheat. I cheat for assertion, power, and sense of control.

Now I'm trying to have a chat with some boy. I realized he manipulated me to have none when this day comes. The reason I loved him was his trust in me, but now I realized there was none. Just repercussions and measures to do to assure my faithfulness. If he did trust me, then there would be boys around and it's just a matter of trust. I feel there is none.
So why am I even here now? When the reason why I chose this relationship is trust.... truth is I am still trapped in that identity. And I guess it's that acceptance and indifference that I'll slowly be back at it.

Sadly, I feel it coming. Little by little I won't care anymore. Little by little not caring becomes indifference. Indifference means not caring much and letting him live his life (which I guess he'll be more than happy to do so no more asking the gf and needing to manipulate indirectly). And letting him live his life will make me go back to my old ways as means of escape.

 

[SamanthaB]

Well, I sure don't know what is going on with him from a distance, other than to say he seems controlling. But, I think that it would be very helpful for you to go and see a therapist if you can. You have a lot to sort out and a site like this is not going to be able to wade through all the issues the two of you have. I think that it would be premature to go to therapy together and best to sort yourself out first, hopefully see things more clearly and then decide where you want to go with your relationship with him after you do that. It sounds like he needs therapy as much as you do. Maybe you can suggest he get some therapy as well, since you are going for yourself. After you both have gotten some insight into yourselves, you might want to get some couples therapy at that point, should you both decide you want to stay in this relationship. Good luck with this.

 

[vancity]

yikes

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It sounds like a toxic relationship.

How do you know you're in a toxic relationship:
1. It feels like love, a type of love you've never felt before (the highest of highs combined with the lowest of lows)
2. The more time you spend with them, the less you know yourself.
3. You start to doubt yourself, who you are, what you felt, and what you've experienced. Your "truths" start to sound like "incorrect opinions/perceptions"
4. The longer you're with them, the weaker you become.
-- Try taking a break, see if you feel stronger and more independent as a result.
5. You're insecure. No longer confident.
6. Your whole purpose seems to be about making HIM happy. Making HIM feel worthy. And not making him upset.
7. You're lonely most of the time. Friends and family are no longer close relationships. You feel like you only have him.

If you feel more than 3 of these.... it's time for you to get out.

Start with taking a break. Get some space... some distance.

 

[Asclepius]

So I think I'll be at it again. i was a cheater until I met someone I was cheating with whom I decided to finally settle down with. I have been faithful for almost 4 years when all of a sudden something happened. I want to get mad at him because of this but I can't. He'll just hate me for making a big deal out of something petty. But idk, it's not petty for me cause I have decided to spend the rest of my life with him. And if my life coexists with someone who has too many issues and baggages in life (his own personal psyche has too many unconscious motives that he keeps on denying but is evident), I don't want to be the woman left hanging in the end. If these are petty things, what more the grave things...???

So anyway, I suddenly "woke up" ... like I realized if I am controlling my anger now for fear of our relationship, what then is left of me? I am taming myself to please him. Because he never understands me, he ends up turning everything around and self-pities. I tried to communicate but what else is left if he himself shuts an eye and manipulates me. So maybe I am needy or clingy or whatever. But truth is, he is, too. I don't have guy friends anymore, especially if they are "good looking," he also distanced himself from his guy friends for fear that they are the type to steal me. A year in this relationship i felt sad because i felt like i was trapped, wherein i can no longer be friends with people just because he gets jealous. I was a very open book to him but it was never enough. Because I did not like seeing him like that I voluntarily distanced myself away from others, just to compromise (and when he hears this, I bet he'd say he did not ask me to do it so it's nit his fault.) I knew in my heart he was the one i'll fight my life for. And I was willing to let everything go despite me being a flower who loves the spotlight and having many MANY friends. Everything I do I think of him. Will he be mad or sad or what. And i try to make sure he is happy of me. Sometimes of course I end up joking around with guys that he hates, and he gets really mad because apparently "i'm giving the wrong impression". I was never a timid and demure girl. I was liberal and carefree. I am a woman and proud of my sexual power over others. But i changed into a less flambouyant girl. If that's what being with him entailed.

But then again.... he hates me comparing. And i know i shouldn't compare but I guess today marks that day (and I told him about this day) that one day I'll wake up and not care anymore. In my heart I am grieving. I am heartbroken because I suddenly realized that maybe the forever I was dreaming of wasn't there in the first place. I am now at that stage that I am scared of, when I am no longer angry, I am just indifferent. And indifference scares me, because that's when I cheat. I cheat for assertion, power, and sense of control.

Now I'm trying to have a chat with some boy. I realized he manipulated me to have none when this day comes. The reason I loved him was his trust in me, but now I realized there was none. Just repercussions and measures to do to assure my faithfulness. If he did trust me, then there would be boys around and it's just a matter of trust. I feel there is none.
So why am I even here now? When the reason why I chose this relationship is trust.... truth is I am still trapped in that identity. And I guess it's that acceptance and indifference that I'll slowly be back at it.

Sadly, I feel it coming. Little by little I won't care anymore. Little by little not caring becomes indifference. Indifference means not caring much and letting him live his life (which I guess he'll be more than happy to do so no more asking the gf and needing to manipulate indirectly). And letting him live his life will make me go back to my old ways as means of escape.

Spend some quality time on your own, and acquire head-space and clarity from relationship drama - its not meant to be that complicated - get out of the nonsense. Relationships only work if you can add something to your SO and, vice-versa (with any potential partner, that is always the case but if two people dont fit; no amount of willfull wishing, sex or hope is going to change the situation - if it isnt working just gtfo - stop analysing to the point of self-doubt).

Satisfaction in relationships is a rare thing, most in them are desperately unhappy/feel stuck and under a guise of pretence, in order to carry on - get your head together; have (safe)sex when you need; if you do end up finding someone worthwhile; you will feel content about it, them and yourself ( this is the only reason to bother); if you dont, consider that youve probably missed one or, two potentially lovely partners through circumstance, but actually dodged hundreds of idiots and psychos - so the reality and odds of life life are a lot kinder than expected, despite our high expectations.