C
CheatingHart
Guest
So I think I'll be at it again. i was a cheater until I met someone I was cheating with whom I decided to finally settle down with. I have been faithful for almost 4 years when all of a sudden something happened. I want to get mad at him because of this but I can't. He'll just hate me for making a big deal out of something petty. But idk, it's not petty for me cause I have decided to spend the rest of my life with him. And if my life coexists with someone who has too many issues and baggages in life (his own personal psyche has too many unconscious motives that he keeps on denying but is evident), I don't want to be the woman left hanging in the end. If these are petty things, what more the grave things...???
So anyway, I suddenly "woke up" ... like I realized if I am controlling my anger now for fear of our relationship, what then is left of me? I am taming myself to please him. Because he never understands me, he ends up turning everything around and self-pities. I tried to communicate but what else is left if he himself shuts an eye and manipulates me. So maybe I am needy or clingy or whatever. But truth is, he is, too. I don't have guy friends anymore, especially if they are "good looking," he also distanced himself from his guy friends for fear that they are the type to steal me. A year in this relationship i felt sad because i felt like i was trapped, wherein i can no longer be friends with people just because he gets jealous. I was a very open book to him but it was never enough. Because I did not like seeing him like that I voluntarily distanced myself away from others, just to compromise (and when he hears this, I bet he'd say he did not ask me to do it so it's nit his fault.) I knew in my heart he was the one i'll fight my life for. And I was willing to let everything go despite me being a flower who loves the spotlight and having many MANY friends. Everything I do I think of him. Will he be mad or sad or what. And i try to make sure he is happy of me. Sometimes of course I end up joking around with guys that he hates, and he gets really mad because apparently "i'm giving the wrong impression". I was never a timid and demure girl. I was liberal and carefree. I am a woman and proud of my sexual power over others. But i changed into a less flambouyant girl. If that's what being with him entailed.
But then again.... he hates me comparing. And i know i shouldn't compare but I guess today marks that day (and I told him about this day) that one day I'll wake up and not care anymore. In my heart I am grieving. I am heartbroken because I suddenly realized that maybe the forever I was dreaming of wasn't there in the first place. I am now at that stage that I am scared of, when I am no longer angry, I am just indifferent. And indifference scares me, because that's when I cheat. I cheat for assertion, power, and sense of control.
Now I'm trying to have a chat with some boy. I realized he manipulated me to have none when this day comes. The reason I loved him was his trust in me, but now I realized there was none. Just repercussions and measures to do to assure my faithfulness. If he did trust me, then there would be boys around and it's just a matter of trust. I feel there is none.
So why am I even here now? When the reason why I chose this relationship is trust.... truth is I am still trapped in that identity. And I guess it's that acceptance and indifference that I'll slowly be back at it.
Sadly, I feel it coming. Little by little I won't care anymore. Little by little not caring becomes indifference. Indifference means not caring much and letting him live his life (which I guess he'll be more than happy to do so no more asking the gf and needing to manipulate indirectly). And letting him live his life will make me go back to my old ways as means of escape.
So anyway, I suddenly "woke up" ... like I realized if I am controlling my anger now for fear of our relationship, what then is left of me? I am taming myself to please him. Because he never understands me, he ends up turning everything around and self-pities. I tried to communicate but what else is left if he himself shuts an eye and manipulates me. So maybe I am needy or clingy or whatever. But truth is, he is, too. I don't have guy friends anymore, especially if they are "good looking," he also distanced himself from his guy friends for fear that they are the type to steal me. A year in this relationship i felt sad because i felt like i was trapped, wherein i can no longer be friends with people just because he gets jealous. I was a very open book to him but it was never enough. Because I did not like seeing him like that I voluntarily distanced myself away from others, just to compromise (and when he hears this, I bet he'd say he did not ask me to do it so it's nit his fault.) I knew in my heart he was the one i'll fight my life for. And I was willing to let everything go despite me being a flower who loves the spotlight and having many MANY friends. Everything I do I think of him. Will he be mad or sad or what. And i try to make sure he is happy of me. Sometimes of course I end up joking around with guys that he hates, and he gets really mad because apparently "i'm giving the wrong impression". I was never a timid and demure girl. I was liberal and carefree. I am a woman and proud of my sexual power over others. But i changed into a less flambouyant girl. If that's what being with him entailed.
But then again.... he hates me comparing. And i know i shouldn't compare but I guess today marks that day (and I told him about this day) that one day I'll wake up and not care anymore. In my heart I am grieving. I am heartbroken because I suddenly realized that maybe the forever I was dreaming of wasn't there in the first place. I am now at that stage that I am scared of, when I am no longer angry, I am just indifferent. And indifference scares me, because that's when I cheat. I cheat for assertion, power, and sense of control.
Now I'm trying to have a chat with some boy. I realized he manipulated me to have none when this day comes. The reason I loved him was his trust in me, but now I realized there was none. Just repercussions and measures to do to assure my faithfulness. If he did trust me, then there would be boys around and it's just a matter of trust. I feel there is none.
So why am I even here now? When the reason why I chose this relationship is trust.... truth is I am still trapped in that identity. And I guess it's that acceptance and indifference that I'll slowly be back at it.
Sadly, I feel it coming. Little by little I won't care anymore. Little by little not caring becomes indifference. Indifference means not caring much and letting him live his life (which I guess he'll be more than happy to do so no more asking the gf and needing to manipulate indirectly). And letting him live his life will make me go back to my old ways as means of escape.