Hi there, Deemgd, I hope that you're doing well. It's been +/- 2 months since last communication and in the spirit of brutal honesty as suggested by the fellowships, I'll be brutally honest: at my last, lengthy dissertation-like entry sharing my prior experience in detox, treatment and recovery with you, I felt that after having walked back down that experience in writing (typing) that I was ready to take back up my recovery program. Unfortunately, I didn't do that. And today, I'm still smoking crystal meth.
I appreciate you sharing and responding. I laugh a little inside at myself when I read these forums because sometimes it's as though I'm reading a story about myself, in our shared experiences, however different our backgrounds and stories may be.
When I undertook detox and recovery previously, there was no question that I had made a firm decision on becoming sober. But what I'd found mostly was an inability to connect (with anyone), that I was a person I had never known, that I was largely uncomfortable in general and that I was mostly bored. I constantly felt that I was missing out on something big or fun. Another responder to your entry mentioned now having progressed into adulthood, emotionally. And I totally share this same concern. Having started using so young like you, I never matured emotionally into adulthood. I graduated high school, went to college, work in management and do so, by all indications, as a responsible, committed adult. I have completely compartmentalized my abilities in life. Most of my clients would never know that at the the of 38 I have yet to teach myself those things that we're given in life when we're young by older, responsible adults. Basically, like you, at a young age, I "checked out". And to this day, there's no place I'd rather be than by myself, in my own state of mind, whatever that may be.
As I have afew things to do, I'm going to pick up from there a little later - today hopefully.
I hope you're well. Let me know, and I'll be back in touch shortly.
?
I appreciate you sharing and responding. I laugh a little inside at myself when I read these forums because sometimes it's as though I'm reading a story about myself, in our shared experiences, however different our backgrounds and stories may be.
When I undertook detox and recovery previously, there was no question that I had made a firm decision on becoming sober. But what I'd found mostly was an inability to connect (with anyone), that I was a person I had never known, that I was largely uncomfortable in general and that I was mostly bored. I constantly felt that I was missing out on something big or fun. Another responder to your entry mentioned now having progressed into adulthood, emotionally. And I totally share this same concern. Having started using so young like you, I never matured emotionally into adulthood. I graduated high school, went to college, work in management and do so, by all indications, as a responsible, committed adult. I have completely compartmentalized my abilities in life. Most of my clients would never know that at the the of 38 I have yet to teach myself those things that we're given in life when we're young by older, responsible adults. Basically, like you, at a young age, I "checked out". And to this day, there's no place I'd rather be than by myself, in my own state of mind, whatever that may be.
As I have afew things to do, I'm going to pick up from there a little later - today hopefully.
I hope you're well. Let me know, and I'll be back in touch shortly.
?