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Why does doing the right thing hurt so much

J

JustKeepSwimming33

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 28, 2018
Messages
4
In the throes of sub detox. Day 4. It hit me like a raging fist from the gods. That horrible unmistakable ball of anxiety/energy/pure hatred is sitting uncomfortably in my chest. Like it has found a new home, and doesn't plan on leaving soon. A no taper 8mg sub jump is nothing to sneeze at, and I knew that opening this Pandora's box of terribleness. But a couple weeks in hell is better than a life in limbo, and i try and remind myself of this as the ebbs and flows of emotion and sickness grips my body. I have had lots of clean years in my life sputtered here and there with various opiate addictions. First the magical pills from the "helpful" doc, then Methadone, then subs. Getting clean for a couple years than something happens. A new injury, a break up, boredom something always that gives us addicts that final push from sobriety to the darkside. So here I am once again, apparently never learning. I'm hoping this time I WILL REMEMBER THE PAIN. I'm using comfort meds low doses of kratom tea (I Know, I know) Imodium, vitamin b, melatonin, unisom. I'm alone in this struggle, afraid to let anyone down again. I feel like a weary traveler never quite finding home. Always getting close, but never ending up back where I want to be. So here I am looking for guidance, some type of solace. From the only people I know will understand, not superficially.... but from the bottom of their soul.
 
Hey, I wish you the best of luck. I just came off 5mg of sub earlier this month. I was also using a little kratom to help me through... but now I'm just addicted to the kratom. Its better than subs but its still a god damn addiction. Just be aware of that. I hope you reach your destination.
 
JustKeepSwimming33 said:
So here I am once again, apparently never learning. I'm hoping this time I WILL REMEMBER THE PAIN. I'm using comfort meds low doses of kratom tea (I Know, I know) Imodium, vitamin b, melatonin, unisom. I'm alone in this struggle, afraid to let anyone down again. I feel like a weary traveler never quite finding home. Always getting close, but never ending up back where I want to be. So here I am looking for guidance, some type of solace. From the only people I know will understand, not superficially.... but from the bottom of their soul.
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those words really connected with me this morning,giving me inspiration. i'm with ya, hopefully ya staying strong.
 
Thanks for the responses! I'm on day 5 and doing good! Keeping my eye on the prize as they say! Hard to sleep, eating is impossible but every day gets better. I just keep telling myself the hurt is good, it's my body healing itself, fighting the good fight. Kratom seriously helps. It takes the edge off, makes everything just a tad more bearable.
 
JustKeepSwimming33 said:
Keeping my eye on the prize as they say! Hard to sleep, eating is impossible but every day gets better. I just keep telling myself the hurt is good, it's my body healing itself, fighting the good fight.
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It's so important to have this attitude--not just for recovery and WD/PAWS but for all the difficult times in life. We come into this life perfectly whole but with no experiences, the more we experience the more complicated our coping mechanisms get and before long we need to start deconstructing some of the armor we inadvertently build up along the way. It's so good to remember that there is always knowledge to be gained when something hurts.
 
I took ibogaine to get off opiates, and that was the biggest thing I gained from it. I remembered that it's okay to feel pain and have bad days, that's normal. I reminded me that growth is hard and sometimes life is a battle, but these things make you stronger and you can accept pain and let it pass through you and not run away from it.
 
Day 18 or 19. Stopped counting around 15. I feel AMAZING. Mornings are hard but even normal people struggle with that...other than some remaining fatigue here and there all physical symptoms stopped around day 11. I still wake up a couple times a night but usually fall back asleep an hour or so after watching something boring. Thank god for nova and their obsession for long drawn out documentaries lol. I?m back at work full time which really does help. Physical labor and talking to normal people truly does help ALOT. In my moments of weekness (Friday nights) I pop into a random NA meetings. Being around people that understand also helps. I?m not doing the steps or anything and no one at the meetings here are pushy about it. They are just happy I dragged my ass to a meeting rather than to a dealer. Just thought I?d maybe be able to help someone with my story. I spent ALOT of time on the forums looking for answers no one can really give. How long..when will I feel ?Normal? again etc. everyone?s journey is slightly different. But IT DOES GET BETTER I PROMISE YOU! Come into the light my friends, there is plenty of life and love to be had..... FYI you are probably going to cry...a lot and random things. You aren?t going crazy it?s not depression. Feeling emotions after being dead inside for so long amplifies every feeling, eventually it will subside and your body/souls ability to cope will inevitably come back.....
 
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Congrats! That is such a good feeling. To finally be able to feel again. Good, bad, in between. What beauty is life.
 
One other nice thing is that you may burst out laughing uncontrollably at the drop of a hat.. This one I always enjoyed the most.
 
JustKeepSwimming33 said:
Day 18 or 19. Stopped counting around 15. I feel AMAZING. Mornings are hard but even normal people struggle with that...other than some remaining fatigue here and there all physical symptoms stopped around day 11. I still wake up a couple times a night but usually fall back asleep an hour or so after watching something boring. Thank god for nova and their obsession for long drawn out documentaries lol. I?m back at work full time which really does help. Physical labor and talking to normal people truly does help ALOT. In my moments of weekness (Friday nights) I pop into a random NA meetings. Being around people that understand also helps. I?m not doing the steps or anything and no one at the meetings here are pushy about it. They are just happy I dragged my ass to a meeting rather than to a dealer. Just thought I?d maybe be able to help someone with my story. I spent ALOT of time on the forums looking for answers no one can really give. How long..when will I feel ?Normal? again etc. everyone?s journey is slightly different. But IT DOES GET BETTER I PROMISE YOU! Come into the light my friends, there is plenty of life and love to be had..... FYI you are probably going to cry...a lot and random things. You aren?t going crazy it?s not depression. Feeling emotions after being dead inside for so long amplifies every feeling, eventually it will subside and your body/souls ability to cope will inevitably come back.....
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You've done so well, congratulations! Seriously, this is one of the best achievements of your life and you should feel incredibly proud. I think you seem well aware that relapsing is common but definteily not inevitable, so checking in at meetings and discussing your addiction is a great move. Have you considered therapy?

I'm on buprenorphine too, and have lowered my dose gradually to 1mg/day. I'm really looking forward to jumping off at some point, but I still feel like I need it and will persist until I feel that I don't. So, I would wonder if you could describe the timeline and effects of your withdrawal for my own future reference?
 
I know that feeling even if your physically home your not emotional home. I think it might just be change maybe change isn?t bad after all?
 
Wow - your post was well written to explain the utter and sheer awfulness that is detox. I felt you and I've been there. It will get better. Some days are a tiny bit better than others. If you quit methadone then Subs you should be fine. I kicked harder off Subs than 4, Roxy 30's a day for 2 years. Some ppl will say "oh you don't even withdraw off subs", that's the same one's who say it isn't an opiate. I was literally in the ER on the floor "kicking". My BF at the time was like Ok, now I know why they say kicking. Its the damn tremmors and leg spasms that are the worst. It only is bad for a few days tho. When I was in full Sub withdraw *4mg per day and bounced bk and forth too years " What helped me was Strawberry icecream shakes and a heater by me at all times, lots of weed and some beer at night but you still wont sleep. Just hang in there it does get better just don't let anyone fuck with you. Like no stress, lock yourself up somewhere and it will lift. I read this blog the whole time I was in full DT's and this one chicks post gave me so much strength. I don't know who she was but she said the day you think you cannot take it anymore. The day you think you'd rather die than feel that way again, that's the day it will start to get better. It gave me strength and I am only hoping to do so to you. Stand your ground though!!! Your life is worth fighting for! I'm 2.5 years completely clean of opiates and wouldn't take another one unless I'm dying in pain or something. Hang in there, the bad bad shit will lift and don't feel bad for taking Kratom. I don't think anyway. Kratom kills the really really bad shit. Take it but it is addictive but easy enough, / to wein down from. Benzo's for sure! Knock yourself out if you can!! Only my suggestions. Plus vitamins helped me a little.
 
All that being said, I never could do it on my own. Had to go away.
 
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