Rehab vs taper vs CT help!!

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Trying to decide the best way to get myself out of the mess I've made...again have been addicted to opiates and using off and on for about 10 years. Mostly it's been small doses like 5-20mg/day of oxy or hydro but this time I've managed to get up to 60-120mg/day. Mainly because I had the bright idea to try subs to taper off back when I was only taking like 60mg max a day and all I ended up doing was increasing my tolerance and never stuck to a taper. So this bout of use has been going on overall for about 10 months but the last 2-3 months has been higher doses and then alternating with 2-6mg of subs some days when I can't get anything else for the past 2 months. I have enough subs to do a taper and can get more. Can't taper on oxy I've tried before and it never works. Should I do a short or long sub taper? Or should I just go to rehab? What is it like? Should I still taper first if I decide to go? I have insurance but it's still expensive and itd be hard to leave for a month with work and family obligations. Also worried about my career cause the field of work I'm in, if anyone found out this could be career ending for me. Idk what id even tell my work as far as why I need off for a month :/ I know I can quit on my own cause ive done it before the problem is staying quit. Also haven't ever jumped off from this big of a dose before, how horrible would it be to just jump now? I do have access to all the meds to help w wd...klonopin, clonidine, gabapentin, loperamide, supplements etc. And can go to a family members house out of state far away from everything to detox if I need to. And would plan on doing therapy either way. I want to do this as quick as possible but also want to give myself the best chance for success. I need a good plan! My husband said he'd support whatever I decide he just wants me to be done once and for all. I know I'm not as bad off as some people and to alot of people this dose isn't anything but I had a really hard wd coming off just daily use for a year or 2 of 5-10mg hydro and oxy. So this is really scary to me. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated!

 

[herbavore]

Hi and welcome to Bluelight. Lot's of new posters get super discouraged when they see 50 views of their post and no responses so I just wanted to let you know not to worry about that; it' isn't an indication that no one will respond, just an indication of how many people we actually have reading this site that don't always post. So, on to your situation.

I am not the best person to answer the pros and/or cons of a slow or fast taper so I will trust that some one with experience will come along and address that part.

It sounds like going to rehab would not be your best option considering that you have alternatives and it would endanger your career. I'm so happy to hear that you have a supportive spouse--that's fantastic! Since you have been through this at least once in the past now is a good time to honestly assess what led to begin using again. What was unresolved? Did you let the addiction convince you that you are not strong? Was it boredom? (You'd be surprised how many people fall back into habits they overcame with much suffering and effort because they were bored and thus unfulfilled in their lives.) Whatever the roots--from childhood trauma to allowing stress to rule you--your quest must be to first identify the vulnerabilities and then figure out strategies to implement when they come up.

Addiction trains the brain for instant reward. It also makes us masters of self-deception, denial and short-term deal-making with our own judgment ("just this one time"). It can feel so overwhelming when you realize all the behaviors that your brain has adapted to using against you! But when you can honestly tease each strand of the tangle apart you can adopt new ways of fighting every one of the learned responses with new, healthier responses. It can really help to see yourself as divided as you truly are in active addiction. On the one side is your authentic true self, the grateful, happy kid you started our being and still have intact; on the other side is your small self--the self that has let all the messages of unworthiness, fear, stress and dissatisfaction cause you to use medications to relieve the pain. A person can just as easily self-medicate with shopping as they can with drugs so truly curing the propensity to addiction goes far beyond drugs (and the ridiculous stigma that goes with them). You can get to clarity. It takes work and patience and above all else it takes having compassion for yourself and faith. A person has to believe him or herself capable before being willing to try.

I'm glad you found Bluelight and started a thread. Use this place for extra support in addition to whatever you decide to do outside of here. Check out all the threads in Sober Living, jump into the January (soon to be February) Staying Sober thread--you will find a very compassionate support group there. Many of us go back and forth between TDS (The Dark Side) and SL (Sober Living) but if this doesn't garner some more concrete responses before too long, I can move this thread over there.

You've made a good decision. You have support and options. You can do this and even more, you can come out stronger and more self-aware than you were and that goes far beyond addiction--that is just learning how to create the life and the self you want.

 

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply ♡ this is the very first time I've ever "talked" to anyone about this aside from my husband and my best friend so it's something I've been wanting to do for awhile but was always scared to do it. It makes it more real I guess. No one else in my life would ever guess I have this problem. On paper my life looks amazing and everyone thinks I have it all together and figured out...and in reality I do have a great life, I have an awesome family, a job I love and do good at, we don't struggle too much financially, we go on vacations, we have fun, we own a beautiful house, I married a guy I've known since we were 12, didn't have a bad childhood, etc...so I don't know why I can't just be happy and "normal" and why I keep doing this to myself.

A big part of it Im sure is my mom's death 10 years ago. It's something I never really dealt with or know how to begin to heal from. But to be honest I had done plenty of drugs long before then and don't know why I ever felt drawn to that life. I guess boredom and wanting to fit in with the crowd I was around...But I didn't start having a real problem with drugs until she got sick. I was very young, raising my son alone, had went thru a horrible relationship and breakup with his bio dad, trying to finish school, and trying to take care of her. And it was so much stress and I've never dealt with stress in the healthiest of ways. Then when she died she left behind boxes of meds and that's when things got out of control for the first time for me. That was 10 years ago. Since then Ive quit multiple times and even managed to stay clean for several years at a time but I always end up back here.

This last time I think was a combination of boredom and stress and easy access to my doc. I had changed jobs to a job I was not at all fulfilled by or happy with (but I did that in an attempt to be in a healthier work environment for myself to recover). Ended up going back to my old stressful job because I missed it and I thought enough time had passed that I could handle it better this time. Then around the same time my son, who is now a teenager, started to have his own issues with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, school trouble and his first relationship that really messed his head up and put us all thru hell. So that has taken a huge toll on me and my marriage which hasn't been at its strongest either this past year. And it's something we are still dealing with. Then I also had some health issues going on where I legit had a reason to be prescribed pain meds and thought I could handle taking them as prescribed as needed. I was so so so exhausted and crappy feeling all the time and the meds made me feel great again, so eventually I wound up back to using every day. Then a well meaning friend got me set up with subs but I think I just made it worse with those cause like I said all it did was up my tolerance and now I'm scared the wd from those will be worse than what I was facing to begin with. That's basically it in a nutshell. You are absolutely right about your mind tricking you in to just one more time or you can handle it different this time, that is exactly what happens to me. And the whole time I KNOW what I should do and what I need to do but I just rationalize myself into making the wrong choices.

So overall I really feel deep down that rehab would be amazing for me. I think it would be the drastic step I need to once and for all get past this. It'd be the first time ever taking time for myself in over 15 years to just focus on me and what I need. And it'd be the first time addressing this problem in real life in a meaningful way. I'm just so scared somehow my job would find out, probably irrational, but it's still a fear. Which is also why I'm scared to go to meetings around here. And the logistics of it would be difficult but I'm sure we could figure something out. In the end if it works itd be worth the trouble I'm sure. But my biggest hold back is...is that something I really NEED to do to get thru this? I feel like I have the resources and options to do it another way. Without risking my job, leaving my kids, and spending thousands of dollars. I just have to "man up" and do it. I don't want to put my husband thru any more than I already have, and my kids have no idea any of this is even going on thankfully and neither does any of our family. So I kinda feel like if I have the option to keep it that way and do it without taking such a drastic step I should just do that. But I also feel like I've been down this road before. I've quit on my own and I've stayed clean for awhile but yet here I am again. So why is this time going to be different and what do I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. Maybe I do need to take that step and hold myself accountable. Idk. So many thoughts right now. My best friend 100% thinks I should go to rehab. My husband doesn't think itd be a bad idea but if I can manage without of course he'd prefer not to have that strain on finances and explaining to our kids where I'm at and everything. He wants me to taper at home and then go stay with my aunt for a week or 2 to be thru the worst of it. That sounds good to me, but what about after? What do I do to make sure I stay off this time? I guess even if I do rehab I'm still gonna have to deal with "after" eventually tho. Well anywyas thanks again for your response, it really resonated with me and made me think about all of this alot more. And it's so helpful finally opening up honestly about this.

Hi and welcome to Bluelight. Lot's of new posters get super discouraged when they see 50 views of their post and no responses so I just wanted to let you know not to worry about that; it' isn't an indication that no one will respond, just an indication of how many people we actually have reading this site that don't always post. So, on to your situation.

I am not the best person to answer the pros and/or cons of a slow or fast taper so I will trust that some one with experience will come along and address that part.

It sounds like going to rehab would not be your best option considering that you have alternatives and it would endanger your career. I'm so happy to hear that you have a supportive spouse--that's fantastic! Since you have been through this at least once in the past now is a good time to honestly assess what led to begin using again. What was unresolved? Did you let the addiction convince you that you are not strong? Was it boredom? (You'd be surprised how many people fall back into habits they overcame with much suffering and effort because they were bored and thus unfulfilled in their lives.) Whatever the roots--from childhood trauma to allowing stress to rule you--your quest must be to first identify the vulnerabilities and then figure out strategies to implement when they come up.

Addiction trains the brain for instant reward. It also makes us masters of self-deception, denial and short-term deal-making with our own judgment ("just this one time"). It can feel so overwhelming when you realize all the behaviors that your brain has adapted to using against you! But when you can honestly tease each strand of the tangle apart you can adopt new ways of fighting every one of the learned responses with new, healthier responses. It can really help to see yourself as divided as you truly are in active addiction. On the one side is your authentic true self, the grateful, happy kid you started our being and still have intact; on the other side is your small self--the self that has let all the messages of unworthiness, fear, stress and dissatisfaction cause you to use medications to relieve the pain. A person can just as easily self-medicate with shopping as they can with drugs so truly curing the propensity to addiction goes far beyond drugs (and the ridiculous stigma that goes with them). You can get to clarity. It takes work and patience and above all else it takes having compassion for yourself and faith. A person has to believe him or herself capable before being willing to try.

I'm glad you found Bluelight and started a thread. Use this place for extra support in addition to whatever you decide to do outside of here. Check out all the threads in Sober Living, jump into the January (soon to be February) Staying Sober thread--you will find a very compassionate support group there. Many of us go back and forth between TDS (The Dark Side) and SL (Sober Living) but if this doesn't garner some more concrete responses before too long, I can move this thread over there.

You've made a good decision. You have support and options. You can do this and even more, you can come out stronger and more self-aware than you were and that goes far beyond addiction--that is just learning how to create the life and the self you want.

 

[Pickledlemons]

Sounds like we have a lot in common... I have also been using for 10 years. I had it all too. Good job, a family, nice car... everything that made my life look great to anybody who doesnt know me better. I have also quit many many times, and stayed off for years at a time. But I always go back. As my old counselor put it " getting off dope isnt the hard part, the hard part is staying off."

Also, a word on the in-contentment you feel with your life... I've realized that its human nature to grow bored of what we have and always strive for something else. If we were not this way, we wouldn't have began agriculture, or built cities. For me anyway, I realized that when I got a new girlfriend, then I got a new job, then I got a new car... I was happy and not using. Its when when my life stagnates that I end up using. I'm not saying you should fill the void with material things, but maybe shake your life up a bit to keep things interesting when you're off drugs. Join a club, start a new activity, take a course ETC.

Now for the short term. I would do a rapid sub taper. But it sounds like you have trouble controlling your doses. Why don't you give the sub to your husband? Have him dish them out to you. Gradually reduce your dose over the course of a week. You'll still feel like shit, but it shouldn't be as bad as cold turkey.

If you buy on the black market... delete all your numbers. Tell your doctor you are addicted. Do anything that will cripple your ability to get more. Granted, there are always ways if you are determined. But the longer it takes you to get drugs, the longer you have to re-think your decision.

Good luck

 

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Thanks for your words ♡ it's good knowing I'm not the only one like this. But sorry you are having (or had?) the same issues. Definitely need to work on finding ways to be content when I'm not using. I also do great when I have something big in life going on...when I was in school, when I got married, when I had my 2nd child, etc I was fine and totally happy without drugs. But as soon as things get stable and easy I start messing up. I honestly think some of that comes from a fear I have of being happy. Going thru what I went thru with my mom and the way I struggled when my son was young changed me for sure. I always feel like if I let myself get truly happy and stable and content I have so much to lose and the fear of losing it causes me to just sabotage things myself because it's "easier" if I don't care that much about it or if I just don't let myself feel that way. Totally ridiculous and self destructive I know. But that's definitely a problem for me. And I think somehow I also feel like with all the bad I've done and with the regrets I have especially things with my mom, that I don't deserve to be happy.

As far as controlling my doses I do have a problem there. I end up talking myself into just a little extra even if the smallest bad or stressful thing happens. And I always say tomorrow I'll do better. And sometimes I do, but usually not. My husband did bring up the idea to give me my doses every day and that's probably what I'll do. Just hard to give up that control, I'm also a bit of a control freak. But I've also not really put in any honest effort to stick to a taper either. So much was going on at the time I got the subs with holidays, travel, and my husband being gone for work I just didn't feel it was a good time to be able to taper. But now all that is over and I have no excuse not to. Do you have a recommendation for dosing for the taper? Also not sure how long I need to plan to be off work once I jump. Last time I went thru this I was coming off much smaller doses...like 20mg max oxy a day or sometimes 0.25-0.5 of sub. And it took me about 4 days to get past the super bad part and about 9 days total to feel mostly normal. I went back to work on day 11. It was tough but doable.

Unfortunately having access to my drug of choice is an issue and not one I can do much about at the moment. Reasons I don't really want to go in to right now on here, not ready for that yet, but basically I'm going to have to have a lot of willpower to not use because it's not going to disappear for me just by deleting numbers or telling my dr not to write me any scripts. However, the reason I have access is not the same way I've been obtaining them and not a way I ever plan to obtain them, just that it's gonna be in my face sometimes and I'm gonna have to be able to handle it. But I think I can do it, I definitely want it bad enough and I've done it before...just need it to stick this time. I wish I could stay on subs for maintenance maybe even long term because itd be easier. But I have to have a clean drug test when I go back to school in a few months and subs is not something I can maintain doing in my line of work reasonably without big issues.

Thanks for your help and good luck to you too!

Sounds like we have a lot in common... I have also been using for 10 years. I had it all too. Good job, a family, nice car... everything that made my life look great to anybody who doesnt know me better. I have also quit many many times, and stayed off for years at a time. But I always go back. As my old counselor put it " getting off dope isnt the hard part, the hard part is staying off."

Also, a word on the in-contentment you feel with your life... I've realized that its human nature to grow bored of what we have and always strive for something else. If we were not this way, we wouldn't have began agriculture, or built cities. For me anyway, I realized that when I got a new girlfriend, then I got a new job, then I got a new car... I was happy and not using. Its when when my life stagnates that I end up using. I'm not saying you should fill the void with material things, but maybe shake your life up a bit to keep things interesting when you're off drugs. Join a club, start a new activity, take a course ETC.

Now for the short term. I would do a rapid sub taper. But it sounds like you have trouble controlling your doses. Why don't you give the sub to your husband? Have him dish them out to you. Gradually reduce your dose over the course of a week. You'll still feel like shit, but it shouldn't be as bad as cold turkey.

If you buy on the black market... delete all your numbers. Tell your doctor you are addicted. Do anything that will cripple your ability to get more. Granted, there are always ways if you are determined. But the longer it takes you to get drugs, the longer you have to re-think your decision.

Good luck

 

[herbavore]

I honestly think some of that comes from a fear I have of being happy. Going thru what I went thru with my mom and the way I struggled when my son was young changed me for sure. I always feel like if I let myself get truly happy and stable and content I have so much to lose and the fear of losing it causes me to just sabotage things myself because it's easier" if I don't care that much about it or if I just don't let myself feel that way. Totally ridiculous and self destructive I know. But that's definitely a problem for me. And I think somehow I also feel like with all the bad I've done and with the regrets I have especially things with my mom, that I don't deserve to be happy.

It is insights like these that shine the light on where your work lies. Many people struggle with this. For some of us it is more around failure than happiness (fear of failure) but it is the same dynamic: you deprive yourself of something unnecessarily because of either fear or a misguided sense of unworthiness. These are old, old habits for most of us and it can take real effort to change all the unconscious little ways that these thought patterns are etched into our minds. I would really recommend reading Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron, et al to further your understanding of how thoughts create realities. Rick Hansen has a great blog called http://http://www.rickhanson.net/"]Just One Thing[/URL] that delivers to your email. He isn't over the top--just very practical ways to combat negative thinking patterns.

 

[BeachBum4u]

OP, definitely consider giving the drugs to your husband. My wife gives me mine every night at the same time. Yes, you do have to give up control but along with that comes the peace of mind knowing you won't run out early. Trust me, it's a GREAT feeling indeed. I do wish you all the best!

 

[Backwoodzjunkie]

Hey dude! Hope all is going well! Il try to make this as short and sweet as possible.... Cause im going through the same thing at the moment and feel like a wet sack of ass. Bout 7 years ago i went to a pretty nice rehab facility in florida, cost my family bout 20 grand for a 14 day stay. Honestly it was not worth it at all, it was just a big baby sitting play pen. They did nothing to really help besides give some clonidine and check my blood pressure at night. We were packed in that place like good damn sardines too! Food was pretty good and thier were alot of pretty young girls? but the cons outweighed the pro's big time. Plus alot of the orderlys were complete fukin dicks. And to top it of my main case worker was about 24 years old fresh outta college with no idea what the hell she was doing. So in the long run rehab in my book is only worth it if you cant get your own detox meds and need to get away for the first bit of your detox. The way i see it if you can stay at a family members house that can kinda keep and eye on you and help pass the time that is way better than some rehab facility.... Cause rehabs only give a shit about your money. I have a loving wife that has helped me detox at home several times and that is the way to go! And if shit gets to outta hand for at home detox than you can go to the hospital for a few days to straighten yourself out and by then you will be over the worst part! I wish you luck, just remember not to think to far into the future. Just take it day by day hour by hour when your detoxing

 

[Pickledlemons]

cost my family bout 20 grand for a 14 day stay.

Holy shit man! When I went to rehab it was only $700 for a 3 week stay. We got good meals... all our days were full of activities. We had group and one on one counselling. It is heavily subsidized by the government... but maybe I didn't realize to what degree. Wow.

 

[herbavore]

Holy shit man! When I went to rehab it was only $700 for a 3 week stay. We got good meals... all our days were full of activities. We had group and one on one counselling. It is heavily subsidized by the government... but maybe I didn't realize to what degree. Wow.

And that, folks, is the difference between Canada (and many other saner, more humane countries, and the U.S.

 

[Backwoodzjunkie]

Damn thats cheap! Honesly the "rich" fancy rehabs are shit, the success rate for that place was pretty damn low! I met dude that were there for thier 10th time in the same rehab. Lol plus the orderlies were selling dillys to the patients for blowjobs and shit

 

[Trabbamab]

No one else in my life would ever guess I have this problem. On paper my life looks amazing and everyone thinks I have it all together and figured out...and in reality I do have a great life, I have an awesome family, a job I love and do good at, we don't struggle too much financially, we go on vacations, we have fun, we own a beautiful house, I married a guy I've known since we were 12, didn't have a bad childhood, etc...so I don't know why I can't just be happy and "normal" and why I keep doing this to myself.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person to have this type of experience. On paper, my childhood was amazing. I went to a nice school, my family never had money problems, I had good friends, was never hurt or abused in any way, both of my parents stayed together, my mother stayed home to raise me and gave me boat loads of attention, etc. Then I just....sort of started doing drugs. I was always attracted to the "bad girls" of my school and started smoking pot mostly because I became encircled by it without really realizing it (it felt like everyone was smoking pot and I was behind everyone else, when in reality less than 5% of the students in my class were using it). After that, I became so obsessed with drugs and the effects of different types that I set out to try everything that was around at the time. Then heroin hooked me and I had a habit before I realized it when I was about 14 or 15. A lot of people gasp at my age and being on heroin, but it happened quickly. And that one stuck with me and has had impacts on my life for decades.

We can get caught up in how it seems that everyone in recovery has a story. "This is why I started using." Some kind of child abuse. Sexual abuse. Broke and desperate. Just got divorced. But sometimes we just start using for seemingly no reason. Then that can create guilt that you can't "just be happy with what you have" like you mentioned. And that guilt can push you further into your addiction. But know that once you start, then it is the addiction itself that makes it difficult to be happy with what you have. And the addiction is the reason why your addiction is continuing. My parents had a very hard time realizing that my addiction had nothing to do with them and that it wasn't the way they raised me.

Best of luck and of course keep posting and stick around. It is good that you have at least a couple of people who know about your habit so you have some help. A taper is so much easier if you have someone keeping you honest. If it is just you, suffering alone, it is so hard to stick to the taper schedule.

 

[Pickledlemons]

^^ I think a lot of people want to be the victim. It takes a big person to say "my addiction is my fault", which in most cases, it is.

 

[Trabbamab]

^^ I think a lot of people want to be the victim. It takes a big person to say "my addiction is my fault", which in most cases, it is.

This is very true. However, I do think a lot of people do get mixed up in addiction because they have been through some heavy shit and used drugs to self-medicate horrible feelings related to it. But that of course isn't always the case. The one time I went to a detox center, they kept acting like they needed to get to the root of what made me an addict. Like I would just remember this horrible thing that happened to me one day. I was an addict because I started doing drugs, loved doing drugs and then did highly addictive drugs for a long time. It was all my fault for starting. Nothing bad happened to me.

 

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Thanks everyone sorry I haven't been on in a few days I just read thru the rest of the replies and they were all so helpful. Yes I do struggle with not having what I feel is a valid reason why I did drugs. It bothers me so bad, almost to the point where I figure maybe there is some horrible memory i have repressed or something that would explain it all lol. But there really was nothing, I just thought drug culture was cool when I was younger and made bad choices and hung out with the wrong people. I think it almost makes it harder not having a good reason.

Well I am doing good with a taper. Went from 120-140mg oxy the last few days before I started subs again, to 2mg subs in the morning and 40mg oxy at night to use up the last of my pills, then 2mg sub in am and pm, then 2mg am 1mg pm, then 2mg once a day. Now I'm trying today to do 1mg only but if it gets too bad I'll take another 1mg at night and do that for a few days before I cut to just 1mg a day. I have felt pretty crappy most days, some body aches and starting to get the night sweats, interrupted sleep, crazy dreams, little bit of nausea. But I have stuck to it. I have no desire for the pills at least and mentally I'm so ready to be done with this. If it wasn't for my husband having to leave out of state for work in a week I think I'd honestly just jump now and get it over with but I don't want to be wd or freshly clean with him gone and no support. So just gonna keep tapering as much as possible and then right after he is home at the end of the month I'll jump off from what I'm at by then. I have been sticking to the taper all by myself, I'm telling my husband and my best friend what dose I'm taking each day but have kept them on me and dosed myself, I think it will help me to know I'm in control and capable of controlling myself to stick to my dose. But my husband is checking my subs every night to make sure I'm not cheating.

The biggest thing that has helped me really get my mind set to doing this is something I decided to do once I'm done. Long story short I had a dream a few weeks ago that lead to this overwhelming feeling of need to walk the Camino (trail in Spain, 500 miles, started as a religious pilgrimage). You are suppose to carry a rock from home to represent your burdens and leave it in a certain place towards the end. It takes about a month to complete. My aunt did it a few years ago. At first my husband was not on board at all but once he realized what it meant to me and how strongly I believed it could help me get thru my shit once and for all, he finally got it. For my bday the other day he got me my walking poles and gave me his blessing to go so as long as I do what I'm suppose to do with all this, I'll be walking the Camino in 6 months! All by myself! Ever since we decided for sure that I could do it, my mental state has improved so much. I feel so much more motivated and clear headed and hopeful! I really truly believe this is going to be the answer for me, my own "rehab" and therapy. I have never done anything like it before, never been on my own before, and I think just being capable of doing something like that will give me so much confidence. Not to mention the time I'll have to reflect on things. And the symbolic leaving my burdens there. Also I'll have to get my self in shape physically to go, and I know exercise is really suppose to help with getting clean, I've just never been able to motivate myself in the past to do it. Now I'm walking every day and once it's warmer we are going to do some hiking and camping. I'm really really excited and hopeful and haven't felt this great in years.

 

[Painful One]

WOW! You are one intelligent lady! Walking the Camino in 6 months! That is the greatest idea I have heard yet and I KNOW it will heal you deeply. In ways that you never imagined. God Bless you in this experience.

What I wouldn't give to be able to join you. I have my staff already made!

Sending love

 

[Pickledlemons]

That is an amazing idea! Got me thinking about it now too!

Good luck!

 

[JahSEEuS]

I found that a quick taper into CT worked best for me. You seem to have the idea.

Helping my dad in his garden and doing yardwork was also super helpful when I was finally able to get out of bed.


It's great that your husband is being supportive of this. 6 months is a long time. I always wanted to do the Appalachian, or PCT. That is a huge commitment. I wish you well.

There was a decent movie about that hike iirc

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_(2010_film)

Oops, thought the hike was 6 months, not saying that's long to wait... My bad

 

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Thanks everyone! I'm really hopeful about the Camino I think it's gonna be so healing and life-changing for me and a huge motivation to do this!!
With that said, this past week has not been good for me. I haven't completely messed up my taper but haven't progressed as much as I'd like. I was so motivated the first week but I think I pushed it a little too fast and started having alot of trouble so I bumped back up one step on the taper and have been waiting to stabilize on that before trying to drop again. I know I'll get there just impatient. Still got my jump date planned for next month and just gonna get as low as I can before that but regardless where I'm at when that day comes I'm jumping and not looking back.
The thing that has made it really hard for me this week is my teen son was admitted for inpatient psych services. He has been struggling with depression/anxiety for about a year (that I was aware of, he says it's been a bit longer tho). The past few months had gotten really rough with his first love/first heartbreak and going from a straight A student to barely passing last semester. Last week we got a text from his friend saying he had a suicide plan and was going to act on it that night. Had him admitted the next morning even tho he swore he was never intending to follow thru with it and was just upset when he said it. In my heart I don't think he wants to die but I know how easy it can be to make impulsive poor decisions when you are that low. He's been self harming also. We thought after our Christmas vacation he seemed to be doing alot better but I guess he wasn't and was just hiding it from us so that hurt alot to find out. And am scared out of my mind over the whole situation. You would think having gone thru depression myself for half my life I would know how to help him but I finally had to come to the realization that I can't give him the help he needs especially when I'm trying so hard to help myself right now (which he knows nothing about). So after he was admitted I had a few days of severe panic/depression and usually that would be a huge trigger for me to go over the top with my use, but other than bumping up one level on my taper (which like I said I think I went too fast and needed to do that anyways) I have done really good about not letting it take over the way it usually would. Hoping he will get to come home this weekend and hoping this will be what he needed to get to a better place. I'm considering trying to convince him to do Camino with me, I think itd be great for him and awesome to share that together but it will only help him if he wants it so I can't force it. I did tell him I'm planning for us to walk/train together at least a few times a week because I think the physical activity would help both of us and we could motivate each other. He sounds interested in doing that at least. Also going to get us both into therapy on a regular basis and focus on spending more time together as a family. Yet another reason for me to get myself together, can't help him if I can't help myself and feel like a hypocrite lecturing him about coping skills and healthy living when I've not done the best at that myself. Just hoping this is gonna be a turning point for both of us! My poor husband is hanging in there better than I could ask for and being a great support for both of us. So lucky to have that!

 

[Cheerupem0kidx0x]

Yep watched that movie the other day and loved It! I hope I have a good experience. I'll be walking for about 3 weeks total, can't take off long enough to do the full thing but I think it'll be enough. Trying to get my dates set it's gonna depend on when I start school back but sometime between June-august for sure I'll be going.


QUOTE=JahSEEuS;14259239]I found that a quick taper into CT worked best for me. You seem to have the idea.

Helping my dad in his garden and doing yardwork was also super helpful when I was finally able to get out of bed.


It's great that your husband is being supportive of this. 6 months is a long time. I always wanted to do the Appalachian, or PCT. That is a huge commitment. I wish you well.

There was a decent movie about that hike iirc

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_(2010_film)

Oops, thought the hike was 6 months, not saying that's long to wait... My bad[/QUOTE]