Here I am again

[Wafflestomp]

So, about 5 months ago I successfully kicked methadone after a 5 year maintenance. It surprisingly was relatively easy. Because I'm an addict I convinced myself that I could go cop some dope and it not be a problem (funny right). At any rate that was about 2 months ago and ice been secretly trying to kick about once a week for the last month.
I'm not working at the moment so I have that going for me. All I need to do to go back to work is be able to pass a drug test. I have some meds (clonidine) to help with the WD and it does a wonderful job with the symptoms. The biggest thing I'm struggling with us craving like I've never known. How have you guys been able to deal with this in the past.
I'm really struggling here. I know many of you know what its like to use against your will. That's where I'm at. I promise myself every night that its over but the longest I've made it is about 36 hours before succumbing to the intense cravings. Looking for some ideas and some support. I remember this forum being indispensable when I kicked methadone.
Thanks in advance.

 

[herbavore]

Cravings that I can't control make me feel so divided from myself. How is it that we can rationally see something for what it is, passionately want to refuse it and then, as if our bodies have been snatched by the aliens and had automaton chips implanted in the place of our own brains, just go do it anyway???

What have you tried so far? Have you tried just cramming your day so full of activities (especially ones that might involve exercise, being far away from temptation like out in nature somewhere, etc). For me distraction will sometimes get me through a hard patch but you need to plan those distractions to piggyback one right after the other.

 

[Wafflestomp]

That's my plan. I caved again today and did 2 bags around lunchtime. It makes me feel like such a failure. My plan tomorrow is to sleep as late as I'm able, as I know it nay be a minute before I sleep well again, then go to a park and try walking sine trails. I know that any natural endorphins will help. I've also read that 20 or so minutes of sunlight will help. I just really want to be on the other side of this again. I know its there and I know its achievable. I can't understand rationally why I continue to do this to myself.

 

[weegee]

clonidine is still a drug in progress supposed to lower bp and anxiety ( to a degree ). 12 years on opiates for me all forms and is the devil can be used responsibly but media epidemic. anyway the cravings will lessen as time goes on but will always be there like nicotine its in the mind just breathe slow day by day is a success know you are not alone.

 

[Trabbamab]

While I know this may not be the answer, have you considered going back to the methadone clinic and asking to do a detox? Methadone clinics can function in a lot of different ways. Probably the most popular is as a long-term solution (which both you and I have experience with). But they can also do a more short-term detox, where the idea is that they know you are coming in on dope and getting sick when you stop. They put you on a minimum dose that will hold you, and then start working you down slowly and safely. Most people in these scenarios are off and out in about 2 - 3 months with very minimal WD. It would also have the benefit that even on low doses, methadone blocks other opiates so you really couldn't slip up.

I can understand after coming off of it that this could feel like going backwards. But if you are at a state where it really feels impossible to go through WD and stop, this could be an option. The problem with heroin is that you can't taper off of it. Since you never know the exact dose, getting a strong bag or a weak bag will keep messing-up a taper. At least with the methadone you are getting a controlled, highly-calibrated dose every day. And if you are afraid that you will change your mind, start taking the dose up and decide to stay on it again, most good clinics try to keep people on their original goals and hopefully your clinic counselor would not approve for your dose to go up.