AnonyTails
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2018
- Messages
- 11
Hello there BLers.
My intentions were to have this started in a blog. Seeing as I am a Greenlighter still, that will have to be postponed. This will touch on a few things, drugs, relationships, and a multitude of others. While starting this, I am still contemplating on where and how to begin. I know as of right now I have complete anonymity (which is a huge relief and definitely an encourager). I feel comfortable knowing that I can say my wrongs in this story. I don't want to make myself out to be a saint. I am far from that.
This will be mainly to get my confusing feelings off of my chest.
***!!NOTE!!*** I welcome any and all feedback. Just try not to keep the focus on bashing my PAST behaviours and or tales.
A brief history...
Sex was a "thing" in my life from an early start. I'm nearly 30 now, but had been exposed to porn early on in my life. Seeing it on the old school desktops in 95. Instantly I was intrigued. I had even messed around with my babysitter while my parents were out and doing their own things. Only now do I sorta understand the impact that had on my life. Later on, I had "hooked" my mother up with my sub-teacher in during my third grade year in elementary school only to be separated from my mother and brother and molested for 4 years. At the time, I was getting the new Gameboy SP and trips across the country. It didn't seem all that bad. Later, I was "arrested" for running away. I was to be a ward of the state for 6 years. Locked away with none of my family to visit... Aside from one time that my father had came to visit on a Sunday. No liquor on Sundays, yet Illinois was a mere 10 min drive from the facility.
I met her at a party, I was nearly 20, her 16. My social skills were that of a 16 year old due to the lack of "independent living skills" I received from the state's "independent living" programs. I lived back with my mother and her one of umpteen boyfriends and had no clue on how to really be a man and live on my own. After meeting her and our little escapades I had moved in with a family friend. David... He was a father I had never had, only he treated me as more of a friend. He allowed me to have her over some nights unknowing of her age. While we were only 3-4 years different... I was afraid of that. While I only saw her, I was selfish and every time it would consist of sex. I couldn't get enough and her (being her amazing self) loved it too.
She had gotten pregnant... I avoided her like the plague and finally David had confronted me. She had gotten a hold of him and told him about it. I was scared shitless. I had always said how I would NEVER be like my parents and I would Man up and take care of my children. Yet, I was afraid of her family, my age, the whole situation. Finally I puffed my chest out and went to tackle it head on. To my relief, I was accepted. I felt comfortable. There were problems on both sides of the family spectrum, as there are with any.
During her pregnancy I was young and doing me. Heck, I had been forced to be institutionalized for 6 years, I thought, I am entitled to do so. I let her go through most of everything on her own. I was self centred and only worried about me... It was me, me, me... Fuck if I could go back and change things... This eats me alive to this day and still does. She would call, message, show up at my living spot and I would avoid her. I only manned up a few times with doctors apts and seldom made an appearance. I was a complete pile of shit. I worked a ton of different jobs but for a week or two at a time. I couldn't hold a job because I always felt that I deserved a better one. I would quit for some bs reason. She loved and adored me all through it. I took advantage of that...
She would always be there, regardless.
I felt untouchable. I was getting 'some' all the time now, she was horny and pregnant and hell, I was living perfect. I was staying with her for days at a time with her mother and two brothers. Going home to play World of Warcraft and while I was home, I would ignore her or feel bad for having her come over because I "felt" I was over welcoming my stay due to not being able to carry my own weight.
Finally having this beautiful girl who adored me, I would be jealous at anyone who talked to her. I was demanding and embarrassed because her friends were either the brother or sister of people who I went to school with. They knew about the molestation thing from school, they thought it was attention thing when police came in and pulled me in and out of classes daily for a few weeks. I had a low self esteem, although I portrayed otherwise. I felt anyone could come and take her away from me. Mainly people she had known for a while.
Finally a month before my beautiful daughter had been born I had a job that would pay for most anything we needed and some of the wants. I had secured my first car. A blazing red Pontiac Grand Am. Sedan for the baby of course. It was time for the baby to be born. I had recalled seeing a post she had on facebook with ultrasound pics. They ultrasound lady had asked her if the baby was Mexican... Due to the head of hair on her. I was young and dumb and figured she just had a head full of hair. We had agreed on the name and shortly after she was born. I stayed the entire time of labour and that night, sleeping on the couch in the room with her and our daughter. I had left to go to work.
Well, that job was short lived and I began to use more drugs and more frequently. I love my job and eventually moved in with her and her mom and siblings. She had her best friend that lived across the street and I became great friends with her friends step dad... We would wrench on cars and drink coffee early in the morning. Her friend had a boyfriend who I became close with. While doing drugs and neglecting my lady and daughter, I became homeless again. Her mother had kicked me out due to my wrong doing. I slept in my car at the parking lot a house down from her. My buddy, owned a car and too lived with my lady's friend was kicked out and we pulled our cars right next to each other and passed bowl after bowl until we would fall asleep.
I worked countless more jobs and was in and out of the house throughout two years when I finally landed a security job. I loved every aspect of it. I was left to my own devices and guarded a huge addition to Pratt. Ind. (under construction)... Like a kid in a candy shop. Myself and another guard would explore and climb the tallest of the tall of virtually anything. I was finally able to get her and our baby our own place. She was working a job as a waitress and we were splitting up and getting back together again. She cheated on me with her manager and yes, admittedly flew off the handle, we worked it out. Later I had saved and gotten us a loan and eventually our own place. She had also just given birth to my son. She had admitted to sleeping with someone once while we first started talking and I said that it wasn't an issue. I had my family, and drugs. I worked and stayed up speeding my balls off while neglecting them and everything else. During this, things grew worse between her and I. Sex was damn near non existent. I had made a huge mistake and at a site I was stationed at... slept with a cashier. I even brought her to our home. Something I will never forgive myself for. Ultimately this ended up with me losing my job. For almost a month I pretended to be going to work while all the while I was getting fucked up and lying. Push came to shove and I had to tell her that I lost the apt and she needed to go back with her mom. I had gotten to the point that I only catered to my drug problem.
While I love my children with my soul and never knew what unconditional love was until them... I put them to the side. She is letting this guy see my daughter, he might not even be the father. I know that regardless of the outcome from the dna test, that is my little girl. My daughter, now 5 and and my son, 2. I havent seen them since before Christmas. I moved away due to my drug use, I have burned nearly all of my bridges. I use ocasionally still.
I haven?t seen my kids in I don't know how long... I cannot even look at pictures of them on my phone without breaking into a crying hysteria. So, I don't... I have to shell out money to be able to even talk to them. I give her money even when it puts me out of the bare needs. I jump through hoops now trying to fix this, and I going to drive myself crazy in the mean time.
***NOTE***
I so intended for this to be on my blog, it will in time be moved over there and more detail put into things...
I guess my thing is, it's been two years and I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone else, I feel horrible when I try. But FUCK, I need to get laid, I am in a terrible funk and everything I do is not helping. I love this woman, I try to tell myself she is doing what ever she wants... I should be able to get out and explore after two years of separation. What is wrong with me...
***WAIT FOR MY BLOG TO BE ALLOWED***
I will be active on here like true religion.
Until then,
Tails
My intentions were to have this started in a blog. Seeing as I am a Greenlighter still, that will have to be postponed. This will touch on a few things, drugs, relationships, and a multitude of others. While starting this, I am still contemplating on where and how to begin. I know as of right now I have complete anonymity (which is a huge relief and definitely an encourager). I feel comfortable knowing that I can say my wrongs in this story. I don't want to make myself out to be a saint. I am far from that.
This will be mainly to get my confusing feelings off of my chest. ***!!NOTE!!*** I welcome any and all feedback. Just try not to keep the focus on bashing my PAST behaviours and or tales.
A brief history...
Sex was a "thing" in my life from an early start. I'm nearly 30 now, but had been exposed to porn early on in my life. Seeing it on the old school desktops in 95. Instantly I was intrigued. I had even messed around with my babysitter while my parents were out and doing their own things. Only now do I sorta understand the impact that had on my life. Later on, I had "hooked" my mother up with my sub-teacher in during my third grade year in elementary school only to be separated from my mother and brother and molested for 4 years. At the time, I was getting the new Gameboy SP and trips across the country. It didn't seem all that bad. Later, I was "arrested" for running away. I was to be a ward of the state for 6 years. Locked away with none of my family to visit... Aside from one time that my father had came to visit on a Sunday. No liquor on Sundays, yet Illinois was a mere 10 min drive from the facility.
I met her at a party, I was nearly 20, her 16. My social skills were that of a 16 year old due to the lack of "independent living skills" I received from the state's "independent living" programs. I lived back with my mother and her one of umpteen boyfriends and had no clue on how to really be a man and live on my own. After meeting her and our little escapades I had moved in with a family friend. David... He was a father I had never had, only he treated me as more of a friend. He allowed me to have her over some nights unknowing of her age. While we were only 3-4 years different... I was afraid of that. While I only saw her, I was selfish and every time it would consist of sex. I couldn't get enough and her (being her amazing self) loved it too.
She had gotten pregnant... I avoided her like the plague and finally David had confronted me. She had gotten a hold of him and told him about it. I was scared shitless. I had always said how I would NEVER be like my parents and I would Man up and take care of my children. Yet, I was afraid of her family, my age, the whole situation. Finally I puffed my chest out and went to tackle it head on. To my relief, I was accepted. I felt comfortable. There were problems on both sides of the family spectrum, as there are with any.
During her pregnancy I was young and doing me. Heck, I had been forced to be institutionalized for 6 years, I thought, I am entitled to do so. I let her go through most of everything on her own. I was self centred and only worried about me... It was me, me, me... Fuck if I could go back and change things... This eats me alive to this day and still does. She would call, message, show up at my living spot and I would avoid her. I only manned up a few times with doctors apts and seldom made an appearance. I was a complete pile of shit. I worked a ton of different jobs but for a week or two at a time. I couldn't hold a job because I always felt that I deserved a better one. I would quit for some bs reason. She loved and adored me all through it. I took advantage of that...
She would always be there, regardless.
I felt untouchable. I was getting 'some' all the time now, she was horny and pregnant and hell, I was living perfect. I was staying with her for days at a time with her mother and two brothers. Going home to play World of Warcraft and while I was home, I would ignore her or feel bad for having her come over because I "felt" I was over welcoming my stay due to not being able to carry my own weight.
Finally having this beautiful girl who adored me, I would be jealous at anyone who talked to her. I was demanding and embarrassed because her friends were either the brother or sister of people who I went to school with. They knew about the molestation thing from school, they thought it was attention thing when police came in and pulled me in and out of classes daily for a few weeks. I had a low self esteem, although I portrayed otherwise. I felt anyone could come and take her away from me. Mainly people she had known for a while.
Finally a month before my beautiful daughter had been born I had a job that would pay for most anything we needed and some of the wants. I had secured my first car. A blazing red Pontiac Grand Am. Sedan for the baby of course. It was time for the baby to be born. I had recalled seeing a post she had on facebook with ultrasound pics. They ultrasound lady had asked her if the baby was Mexican... Due to the head of hair on her. I was young and dumb and figured she just had a head full of hair. We had agreed on the name and shortly after she was born. I stayed the entire time of labour and that night, sleeping on the couch in the room with her and our daughter. I had left to go to work.
Well, that job was short lived and I began to use more drugs and more frequently. I love my job and eventually moved in with her and her mom and siblings. She had her best friend that lived across the street and I became great friends with her friends step dad... We would wrench on cars and drink coffee early in the morning. Her friend had a boyfriend who I became close with. While doing drugs and neglecting my lady and daughter, I became homeless again. Her mother had kicked me out due to my wrong doing. I slept in my car at the parking lot a house down from her. My buddy, owned a car and too lived with my lady's friend was kicked out and we pulled our cars right next to each other and passed bowl after bowl until we would fall asleep.
I worked countless more jobs and was in and out of the house throughout two years when I finally landed a security job. I loved every aspect of it. I was left to my own devices and guarded a huge addition to Pratt. Ind. (under construction)... Like a kid in a candy shop. Myself and another guard would explore and climb the tallest of the tall of virtually anything. I was finally able to get her and our baby our own place. She was working a job as a waitress and we were splitting up and getting back together again. She cheated on me with her manager and yes, admittedly flew off the handle, we worked it out. Later I had saved and gotten us a loan and eventually our own place. She had also just given birth to my son. She had admitted to sleeping with someone once while we first started talking and I said that it wasn't an issue. I had my family, and drugs. I worked and stayed up speeding my balls off while neglecting them and everything else. During this, things grew worse between her and I. Sex was damn near non existent. I had made a huge mistake and at a site I was stationed at... slept with a cashier. I even brought her to our home. Something I will never forgive myself for. Ultimately this ended up with me losing my job. For almost a month I pretended to be going to work while all the while I was getting fucked up and lying. Push came to shove and I had to tell her that I lost the apt and she needed to go back with her mom. I had gotten to the point that I only catered to my drug problem.
While I love my children with my soul and never knew what unconditional love was until them... I put them to the side. She is letting this guy see my daughter, he might not even be the father. I know that regardless of the outcome from the dna test, that is my little girl. My daughter, now 5 and and my son, 2. I havent seen them since before Christmas. I moved away due to my drug use, I have burned nearly all of my bridges. I use ocasionally still.
I haven?t seen my kids in I don't know how long... I cannot even look at pictures of them on my phone without breaking into a crying hysteria. So, I don't... I have to shell out money to be able to even talk to them. I give her money even when it puts me out of the bare needs. I jump through hoops now trying to fix this, and I going to drive myself crazy in the mean time.
***NOTE***
I so intended for this to be on my blog, it will in time be moved over there and more detail put into things...
I guess my thing is, it's been two years and I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone else, I feel horrible when I try. But FUCK, I need to get laid, I am in a terrible funk and everything I do is not helping. I love this woman, I try to tell myself she is doing what ever she wants... I should be able to get out and explore after two years of separation. What is wrong with me...
***WAIT FOR MY BLOG TO BE ALLOWED***
I will be active on here like true religion.
Until then,
Tails