• NMI Moderators: Snafu in the Void

Can I give up my addiction, but still take my drug of choice in moderation??

Partyboy888

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 17, 2018
Messages
1
Hey everybody,

Ive been reading blogs and peoples journeys on this site for many years. Its really helped me out in dealing with my addiction. Hearing what others have done to try to help themselves get out of some of the dark places they have been in. Ive been in many dark places myself over the years, but I now see some light at the end of the tunnel, but only because I have had to change my mind set, as Im getting very ill and the realisation of the permanent damage I have done to my health is now very apparent.
Ive always used and abused drugs from a very early age, and I don't remember a time when I was not doing something. Ive been around the block with substances from silly kids stuff at school like lighter fuel gas, tipex thinners and glue, moving on to alcohol, weed, acid, speed, ecstasy, coke, MDMA, mkat, ketamine and prescription drugs throughout my life. Ive been able to hold a good job throughout everything and on the outside everything is pucka. But realistically Im killing myself with my addiction and the cracks are starting to appear.
I always thought, (as my health until recently was fine) I was indestructible. I was always able to take what ever I wanted, whenever I wanted, but now the realisation of massive memory loss, lung problems, nasal problems, headaches, bladder problems, teeth & gum problems, Tinnitus, eye sight problems etc has made me think about my future and how I can possibly save myself.
Im now in my 40's, so my journey has been a good 30 years long. I have to say I wouldn't change it for the world, as it has made me the person I am today, and I am very lucky to be that person, but the good times must come to an end, at least on a daily basis.
Up until 6 years ago I would of classed myself as a recreational user, although if I'm honest I did have a bit of a coke problem for about 4 years, but generally I would only do stuff 3 times a week. I left the silly kids stuff behind when I was a kid. I don't do weed, acid, speed, ecstasy, coke, MDMA, or mkat anymore and haven't done for a decade or so, apart from the mkat, but my problems are ketamine and alcohol which I have been taking daily for the last 6 years but these are the only ones I take now.
It started off with Ketamine recreationally once or twice a week in 2012 but within 6 months I was doing 2-3g a day, then 6 months later it was 4g+ a day. I have to say I learnt so much about myself over the 6 years and so much about life in general, and it changed me from the arrogant coke head, to a more humble, respectful, patient person. So there were some benefits from my last 6 year journey.
Dont get me wrong, Ive suffered the ket cramps and been hospitalised quite a few times, Ive had the massive paranoia, Ive been the selfish little wanker putting ket before my friends and family and life in general which I'm not proud of. But I also did some amazing things which I am proud of. But Ive been in many many dark places with the drug and trying to weigh the benefits of the good places with the dark places are very difficult especially now I have the realisation of the permanent damage I have done to my health.
I noticed a couple of years ago my memory was failing, trying to remember the most basic of things was becoming difficult, but a good line always made things better. Everything's ok, no need to worry.....If only!! Then all of the other problems mentioned above slipped into play, but again a good line said it all...everything's ok.
In the last 6 months Ive had to reduce my intake so Im only on a g a day + a bit if I'm stressed.
Im at the hospital for my bladder. Im really struggling. Pain every time I go to the loo. Passing blood, its becoming a nightmare. They want to do a bladder neck incision on my bladder, but i haven't been honest with them about my addiction, and I don't really want the surgery as it will totally fuck up my sex life which is amazing.
If I could only ditch daily abuse and use once or twice a week to keep my spirits high that would be amazing. IS THAT POSSIBLE??
Ive had 3 days off over the last week, one on and another 2 off. Ive purposely spent all my money so I cant buy anymore till next Wednesday which is 7 days off. Im struggling like fuck to do my day to day work and just general living as my body is going into free fall and my mind is now panicking knowing I cant get any for another week.
Is there anything I can do to stop my cravings and help my panic brain, as I am getting a bit depressed and I suppose Im at rock bottom??
Any advice would be amazing :)
Thanks for reading :)
 
Once you're addicted, it's very hard to do them in moderation.
 
Welcome to bluelight

like bptubbs, once you've become addicted it becomes very hard, if not impossible, to use "recreationally". It's only a matter of time before you're back to square one again. I would suggest being 100% with your doctors so they can best treat you. I know it's hard to tell a medical professional about your illicit drug use but it's the only way for them to properly get you straight again. Ketamine and it's metabolites cause hell on the bladder as you're experiencing, but if you want to get well I talk to them honestly before they go ahead and cut you open.
 
moderation is key ive done alot of damage over the years but the days comes when you need to slow down and heal or quit imo substances are like a tool they open your mind to let you explore for a bit times i wouldve never had without them you know with wisdom comes responsibility but when a want becomes a need its time i wish you well and also hope you are in good health in due time.
 
I had a major drinking problem after experiencing depression after having two kids back to back. I drove off a cliff quickly with my drinking, and I did AA and kept relapsing. There was a lot of drama with my husband who was using opiate pills...and a former heroine user. Thankfully, we both got to a turning point and quit drinking and doing drugs. My life has completely changed for the better, as his did. And thankfully our kids hopefully never see us in that state, if we keep it up.

However...I have begun to smoke an Indica vape pen I obtained in Cali. It's a nice option at the end of a 16 hour workday and two Toddlers which Mounts to stress levels that are terrible. I don't foresee this getting out if hand....so far. Since it makes me tired. I'm also taking Zenzedi for ADHD. I've begun to exceed recommended daily doses on long work days. That has me concerned. And I'm turning myself into a workaholic, albeit a necessary evil when my husband is a stay at home dad.

I guess telling you all that could be summarized by saying addiction is progressive and if you quit one another usually follows. Ketamime is terrible for the body and you REALLY need to be honest with Dr's when surgery is involved as meds could have adverse reactions, resulting in more harm.

Good luck!
 
welcome to the forum,
I don't post much, but wanted to reply to you because your question is one that has been on my mind for years. At what point is recreational use deemed an addiction?
addictions cannot be beaten, they can be managed - or replaced.
First things first, taper down hard and fast. get to half of where you 'want' to be. ie, if you want to use it twice a week, get down to being able to manage one once a week, once you can prove to yourself that you can achieve this, the 2nd time a week becomes your 'reward'
the bad news, you will probably fail with this, the good news, you are still better off and get to work on improving it.
second thing, replace an addiction with a hobby. but be warned, it will become an obsession, so make it something you don't need to spend money on.
third thing, look around this forum, lots of people who are both ahead and behind you in your situation. Learn how others dealt with it,, help others to avoid it.
good luck and keep posting your progress.
 
I’ll just add my 2 cents. I’ve gone through addiction various substances then gotten clean. Once clean I try to use recreationally but I have always gone back to addiction. You may be different but in my opinion it’s a bad idea.
 
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