Can't imagine being happy without heroin

[GlitterBomb]

Despite my misleadingly festive username, I have been severely depressed for 20 years and am mostly a shut-in. I have anxiety and, on and off, agoraphobia. I am 34. Alcohol and drugs have been a problem since I was 13, but for most of my adulthood alcohol was my go-to. The last year and a half, I have used large amounts of all sorts on a daily basis but settled on heroin as my 'pet'. I don't IV, I usually smoke, sometimes insufflate. I don't use everyday, my binges last 2 days to a week, but on average I use 3 days a week. The only time I am happy and complete is when I'm on heroin. It makes me feel well, feel energised, feel normal. I no have goals or aspirations whatsoever.

My dream is to be able to afford to use everyday until I eventually die from mixing CNS depressants (I potentiate with a drink or two or a few xanax bars, etc.). I fantasise about this death, dream of it. I have a partner who loves me very much and I know I'd be a selfish cunt to kill myself, but I just don't understand the point in living. The only thing I seem to enjoy is heroin. I live to get high. I have no job, no friends, no motivation, no hobbies. Just heroin and suicidal ideation. I have been depressed for so long, two decades, that I am exhausted. I feel 60 years old. I feel like there is nothing more for me, I have done everything that I'm capable of and there is nothing left.

I haven't had heroin in a week and a half. During that time I've made myself sick on alcohol and DXM, disgusting cough syrup that it is, in desperation. I used to be a drunk, but I don't enjoy drinking any more, it just makes me depressed whereas heroin makes me so happy. I am getting two grams of quality heroin tomorrow but am afraid about what happens when I run out and I'm back to square one. I am so fucking depressed. Heroin seems to be the only cure, or at least masks the depression well enough. I have had some bad experiences with psychiatric medicine. If heroin weren't illegal I could be semi-functional.

I don't understand how other people are content.

 

[GlitterBomb]

I just realised my post might be considering 'triggering' in that it violates TDS's 'no glorification of drugs' rule. I didn't post it in the opioids section because it references suicidal ideation which seems to be a neddy no no in the other sections as it contradicts the harm minimisation rule. If a mod reads this, could you move it to the opioid section so I have a chance of reply? That would be greatly appreciated. I just need some sort of interaction with the world, even if it's a stranger on a forum giving obvious advice.

Edit: Ignore above, I am definitely in the right subforum.

 

[Tubbs]

I can understand where you're coming from. I've been massively depressed since quitting all forms of drugs, it is hard to see happiness without them.

Depression is a long hard road for alot of us. Hope you find some semblance of relief.

 

[GlitterBomb]

Thanks for the reply bptubbs. Sorry to hear you're suffering depression too but well done quitting, it sure isn't easy.

 

[Tubbs]

It definitely is not, it definitely has a tendency to amplify depression. Quitting doesn't really feel like an accomplishment when you had to fuck up literally everything to get there.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm around a lot, and am more than happy to help.

 

[GlitterBomb]

Quitting does amplify depression hugely, yes. Strangely enough most of my biggest fuck ups have had little to do with drugs. I tend to stuff things up straight/sober, I don't need any help in that department. Thanks again for your kind words.

 

[Tubbs]

Of course, like I said feel free to pm me, I'm always happy to help another.

 

[Mafioso]

I was in a pretty similar boat like the one you describe, not long ago. It's been about 6 months since the last time I used opiates or benzos and to be honest, things are far from perfect but they have gotten a lot better. Have you ever considered counseling? If it is a practical option I would definitely consider it. There is no "cure" for what we have, just ways of managing it and a good counselor can help give you some perspective as well as help you to find solutions.

Drug use becomes a self-destructive cycle for a lot of reasons. Apart from it being an unobtainable goal because you can't stay high forever, it becomes a replacement for a lot of healthy and productive behaviors. It's pretty easy to let your social life, and most every other aspect as well, fall apart when your getting high all the time because it preoccupies the time and the mind. You have to spend time and energy getting money, getting drugs, using drugs/being high, and, in and of itself, it doesn't lead to anything productive or positive. It doesn't really help you build healthy friendships, further your career, develop or build skills, pursue your passion, spend time with family and so on. in fact, it does much of the opposite, it takes time away from all those things, and more importantly IMO, focus. Not saying you can't be fairly productive while high, but getting high is not productive and it is distracting from life. It's like patching a flat tire for the 1000th time rather than getting a new one. You feel good until you don't, then you are right were you left off- except a few days shorter and probably just as shitty as before if not worse.

All those things you mention, like friends, a job, hobbies, and other passions are all the things that will help you feel good about yourself. They are not a cure for something like depression, but they can help to make depression bearable and manageable.

More importantly though, is how you view yourself. I think the biggest change I've noticed in my personal life since I have quit drugs is the way I view and think about myself. I used to take tons of benzos and opiates because I felt depressed and anxious a lot. I still get depressed and anxious from time to time, but I noticed that I am much more in control of my emotions than before. Your automatic thoughts and self-talk have a pretty big impact on the way you feel and behave. I know for myself, I would talk down to myself and thought I was a pretty big pos and fuck up, and a lot of that stemmed from feeling guilty about getting high all the time. I would think "I can't do what that other person does, I'm high all the time, I'm fucked up, I'm retarded" or "people aren't going to like me because I'm so high, I won't be interesting, I'lll probably be offensive and appalling". Truth is, I wasn't even giving myself a chance. I was telling myself I was a failure before I had actually failed or even tried. Even if I had failed before it wouldn't make me a failure.

Failure is a state of mind, everyone who has seen success has also seen failure.

Treat yourself like you would a bestfriend or someone you love and care about greatly. You will never succeed if you never try, and you will never try if you don't take a chance.

Also, something that helped me a lot was a quote from somewhere I can't remember: "Emotions, too, will pass". Nothing is permanent. Your thoughts and feelings will pass too, in time. If you are angry, you will not be angry forever. If you are sad, you will not be sad forever. If you are happy, you won't be happy forever. Don't let just your feelings/emotions drive your behavior and actions. I know you say you've had depression for 20 years, but I would bet you haven't completely forgot how to be happy, the happy moments are probably very fleeting, but I would guess that they are there...

Have you ever tried to look at depression as something you have, not something you are? You are not depressed, you feel depressed.. it's a way to validate your feelings without completely giving in to them. You might feel sad, but you are not sadness, sad is just the way you are feeling. Without getting too deep into it, depression is definitely real but don't let it identify you. A little hope goes a long ways.

 

[GlitterBomb]

There is no fear of this turning into a glorification of drugs thread after all, it's going a tad south.

I got my H last evening instead of later today and was over the moon although pettily, possessively disappointed that it was 1.5g instead of the 2g I misremembered. I smoked a decent amount and then decided to potentiate with a soma/carisoprodol after already taking some earlier. After a short while, feeling on edge and somewhat morbid due to an unrelated issue, I took a few more. It's been 11 hours since I dosed heroin and though the high has worn off I am still throwing up and shaking despite it being summer here and not cold. Usually I would have redosed ages ago but I am just too wretched to. It's almost 5am now. I don't sleep much on heroin, besides nodding I can go days without sleep because I enjoy the high too much to sleep, but tonight I'm not exactly exuding a jolly vibe. The soma made me very sleepy earlier but every time I started to pass out I would be brought back with a copious quantity of puke.

I stopped getting sick on heroin some time ago when my tolerance built and usually only vomit if I'm otherwise sick (e.g. migraine) or I mix drugs. It's the soma making me sick and it has a vile, slightly toxic taste and smell. It's painful to be sick whereas heroin sick is usually a more forgiving sick. I suppose it's for the best that I stayed up being sick rather than pass out and being potentially snuffed. I am annoyed at myself for ruining my buzz but also partly happy that I'm remembering the downside of it, I was idealising heroin too much in her absence. I am prone to making myself sick on drugs and ruining what could have otherwise been a great time. My husband hid the rest of the soma so I can't do it again, he knows I often don't learn from mistakes but rather embrace them in a deformed tribute to self-loathing. Despite all the sick, I ended up having an OK time chatting moderately coherently to husband in between, I felt better than usual. He always pukes on heroin and smoked a bit too much so was sick loads too even though he didn't take a soma, we just said 'one sec' mid-sentence to evacuate our stomachs. So romantic. Anyway, sorry for the vulgar details, I am hopelessly trying to type myself sane.

Mafiosa:

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. So much of what you said rings true. The only difference with my situation is that I am a complete fuck up when I'm clean. Due to mental illness, I have no friends or job etc. at the best of times. I have tried counselling but I find it to pick at old wounds and triggers obsessive mental masturbation. I have a past I can't yet come to terms with. I do agree that drugs are, at least for us, a self-destructive cycle. Though I am usually fine when I'm high, because of my binge cycle I spend half my time coming down or in outright withdrawal from heroin. The physical aspect of withdrawal is usually relatively mild due to my habit being part-time, only once was it truly horrific, and I usually have something to take the edge off but the mental aspect is near unbearable. For a while I was cycling between heroin and GHB/GBL/BD just to keep the party going but GHB turned on me in the end.

Everything you said about talking down to yourself and the importance of mindset resonated, I am by far my biggest critic. I have been happy in the past for periods, I have even naively thought myself to be 'almost cured' of depression for periods before relapsing into the abyss and during those times I had something resembling positive to say about myself. It was amazing how different I felt being able to look in the mirror without wincing and say my name without shuddering, so forth. I have come to view depression as not only something I am but the only thing I am. I know you're completely correct in saying how damaging such a mindset is.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Good luck I am in withdrawal as well and experiencing hell on earth. It has been a really long time in withdrawal I'm so worn out. It has essentially been a triple withdrawal since the autumn. I will go two months and sniff a line. I will go 2 weeks and sniff a line. I will go on a binge, try to withdraw, binge again, get back on it but that isn't even feasible anymore. I'd need to be a multi-millionaire just to support it. My first gram lasted a few months. I was doing really well in the fall but I think at 2 weeks I was feeling so good because I hadn't felt any sense of being alive in years... so it was wonderful... now this time, I am discouraged. This has been / is going to be a miserable start of the year for me because I got high for a couple weeks in December.

I'm so sick of this. You have a far way to fall, I hope you make a different choice sooner rather than later. I hope the same for myself but after 5 years I'm getting worn out. This year alone ruined me. I remember how different things were, even as little as a year ago. I'm losing everything and I wish I wasn't here to see everything around me corrode, while my reasonably healthy body waits for a hit that is a little too much.

 

[Pickledlemons]

Hey have you ever heard of Kratom? If you want to be on drugs so bad. Maybe try this less destructive one. Its legal in most places and has both stimulant and opiate effects. I've been using it to help come off opiates. I only need a small amount. 4g to make me feel motivated in the day. Its still addictive but much less addictive than heroin and its very cheap. I just bought a kilo for less than the price of dinner for 4 ( hope that didn't break the rules).

 

[GlitterBomb]

I've never tried Kratom but I am prepared to try anything at this point.

I used up all my gear in the early AM and after not sleeping for 3 nights during the binge, I was hallucinating today, walking around lucid dreaming and crying. This afternoon, I must have fallen asleep in bed with a drink because I woke up with the bedding/mattress/me soaked in whiskey and coke. I evidently changed my clothes then went into the lounge room and wound up eating pickles out of the jar on the couch (I can't remember doing any of this) as I woke up with a giant jar of pickle juice spilt all over the couch and myself. Cried as I cleaned the couch, mopped up pickle juice from the floor with a towel and had a shower whilst debating whether or not I was a robot who couldn't speak and had a one in 5000 chance of existing 8(. I am leaving a trail of sticky destruction in my wake! I feel horrible and I want to go back to sleep but my bed is wet with whiskey and coke and I cannot be stuffed cleaning or drying it out, I am so exhausted.

 

[ShroomySatori]

It would be nice, if the feeling could be kept up over the years.
Without inevitable tolerance
Likely withdrawals and relapses
Massive financial loss
Not even really feeling it anymore because that part of your brain is spent.
I know that no matter what I'll never be the same. Not like a trip. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with this too but it's a little concerning being aware of the benzo and opioid death problem and being addicted as fuck to both and running from problems at that.

Those first couple years on opiates were some of the happiest of my life... I really was happy. Had a great girlfriend, I wasn't in back pain anymore, I wasn't all of these negative things. I was happy. Not a jerk. People were happy to see me happy. Family was surprised to see me show up for dinner and stuff like that. They didn't question it because I was just happy (but why?). Then the foundations of my very life began to crumble. I could rebuild the ruins into something beautiful, if my head wasn't so fucked up at this point, but it will never ever be the same and I've made things a lot harder for myself.

I used to have a life. I think. I used to be a guy, with a name. I am called drugs now. Snapped under the stressors of panicked and depressed states, extreme loneliness, I am presently a week into withdrawal and still feel like shit. A statistic, really, at this point. It is really coming to that at this point. I'm so tired of it all.

 

[solidsnake77]

I feel your pain, man. I had an opiate addiction of 4 years, daily use, treatment for chronic pain (morphine, oxycodone, fentanyl, hydromorphone, tapentadol..) Now has been pass almost 2 years since I ended with Suboxone, and I manage my chronic pain with kratom. I still have a moderate consumpt of oxy or fentanyl smoked (patches) after that, but a few months ago I relapsed in a bad way: almost one entire week with oxy, fentanyl, snorting hydro... And today, since the year started, only three or four days that I didn't took any opiate. For the rest, opiates running for my bloodstream, I smoked fentanyl till this runned out, now I take oxycodone frequently to manage physical pain and emotional pain (my ex-girlfriend and me broke up more than a month ago, 2 years of a incredible and intense relationship, to the trash for bullshits, not even a worthy good bye, a farewell so toxical).

I had an incredible experience with LSD 2 weeks ago, that change my perspective of things enormously, and I has been much positive, so much creativity (I write songs) and optimistic, but I have my downs too. And when the downs come in (and they come with strenght), I take oxy to relieve the pain, the deep void, the meaning of life, question to myself why keep fighting when everything falls appart around me...

You're not alone mate. Without oxycodone with this lifestyle I have (barely friends, only two that I see them one time every lot of time, the broke up of my relationship, no stuff to do..) Well I do rap and write songs, that helps a lot by the way, but that isn't the perfect formula and when the downs come up, I don't see a meaning in remain alive. I lived a lot, so much experiencies, so much intense lovers, so much good friends... But now, I don't know what has the life to offer me, and having in count that I'm living in a country with massive unemployment, without hopes. I'm doing a course of data analist of 300 hours, thing that keep me focus in some way, but isn't enough to fill this great void inside my soul.

Sometimes I think that I haven't commit suicide yet, is because that would destroy to my mother, and probably she would die after me, and I don't want that creepy scenario. So my only chance is keep living, with my up and downs, with my kratom everyday to manage my chronic pain till some degree, and some oxy to fill this void for a few hours. But when the oxy runs out, hell, I don't want to think in that...

Stay strong friend, you're not alone like I said.

 

[herbavore]

I just wanted to say something about your title to this thread. I actually believe that imagination--and the lack thereof--has a lot to do with the self-defeating behaviors we get into in life. Hopelessness, fatalism and despair feed addiction by shutting down imagination. If you cannot imagine a life of calm and contentedness and fulfillment, how can you ever craft it? We cannot control who we are born to, what part of the planet and the vastly unequal socioeconomic strata we are born into, and even our natures and innate personality traits are out of our hands. But that does not mean that we cede all responsibility for creating lives that we fit into. Most of us try to shame ourselves into being different or "better". It is much more powerful to imagine ourselves capable of change and then to be accepting of the process of change. Taking a drug to instantly feel better works instantly...for a very finite period of time. Your brain craves that. But I don't think your heart does. I think your heart would love to imagine being happy without being owned by a self-defeating desire. Drug addicts are some of the most courageous people among us. They are the ones that understand best how painful it is to live in a divided self. The rest of the culture is addicted to everything from material wealth to social media but has no idea that their brains are just as divided. You can use the knowledge you have to feed your own imagination, then use your imagination to feed your courage.

 

[ShroomySatori]

^words of wisdom right there you two.

I can imagine being happy without opiates. I was when I had been clean for a month. I didn't even have chronic back pain anymore which I suffered unbearably from for 7 years and led me to all these opiates and opioids and I had no idea I would like them so much at first. I cannot for the life of me imagine being happy with those drugs.

I had nothing, really, but a long term vision for my future that came to me in the flash of an eye when I was taking 2cc habitually for a while. I saw my life calling in the flash of an eye, this was like 2 months ago and I still feel the same way.

Presently, I am focussing on my health because that is what is holding me back. So, I am going to hot yoga classes daily and if anything can actually 'fix' my spine it would be that. It's important to have good friends and keep in touch. Really though I'm getting hydrated, detoxifying through yoga, and maybe soon I will regain the motivation to read, play guitar and other creative pursuits. Find a new job and stuff but first I need to get healthy which is more than stopping the drugs.

Yoga is chill. I cut way back on the herb I used to smoke all day so I never really felt it until I wanted to smoke another joint. I gotta keep the herb low key now as I was caught red handed nodding slouched over for 8 hours straight, I'm smoking 2 joints a day now, not 20 and it's highly rewarding to smoke a joint just before hot yoga and actually get lit with some nice indica.

Yin yoga particularly chills me out. I'm pretty indifferent to being happy at this point. I don't mind being infuriated and miserable I just can't stand being sick and unproductive and feeling like shit all around. I'm at about a week today and I am forcing myself to do physical activities. Soon, more cognitive ones will follow as my fried brain reboots over the next month.

 

[GlitterBomb]

I just wanted to say something about your title to this thread. I actually believe that imagination--and the lack thereof--has a lot to do with the self-defeating behaviors we get into in life. Hopelessness, fatalism and despair feed addiction by shutting down imagination. If you cannot imagine a life of calm and contentedness and fulfillment, how can you ever craft it? We cannot control who we are born to, what part of the planet and the vastly unequal socioeconomic strata we are born into, and even our natures and innate personality traits are out of our hands. But that does not mean that we cede all responsibility for creating lives that we fit into. Most of us try to shame ourselves into being different or "better". It is much more powerful to imagine ourselves capable of change and then to be accepting of the process of change. Taking a drug to instantly feel better works instantly...for a very finite period of time. Your brain craves that. But I don't think your heart does. I think your heart would love to imagine being happy without being owned by a self-defeating desire. Drug addicts are some of the most courageous people among us. They are the ones that understand best how painful it is to live in a divided self. The rest of the culture is addicted to everything from material wealth to social media but has no idea that their brains are just as divided. You can use the knowledge you have to feed your own imagination, then use your imagination to feed your courage.

Thank you so much for your reply, I hope I someday have the clarity to believe your words.

I am currently in a pit of depression, I've taken whatever downers I have to mark time, constantly debating whether or not to score heroin.

Thank you to all the replies, especially Shroomy. Godspeed to you all.