This is my first contribution to this site, even though I've frequented it numerous times over the years. I guess there's a first for everything, right? I kinda landed on this thread just by chance. The title stuck out to me, maybe. I'm 34 and not having the easiest time in life right now, emotionally/mentally/etc. I was going to put an entry into my online journal (something I wanted to do occasionally to keep track of where I am as I start on bupropion again) but maybe this will serve a better purpose. I need an outlet and you seem to need to be reassured that you're not losing your grip on reality.
I've kinda put myself through it all over the years....stints that total years of sobriety, periods of hopeless addiction, periods of recreational use that came and went with unnerving ease, and periods like now where I'm kinda.... Well, I don't know where I am lately. Got off work three hours ago, laying in bed with my wife passed out next to me while I type this, and I'm going on 48 hours of no sleep. You could probably guess that I haven't been drinking.
But what spacejunk said and the way he said it kind of rang true for me. Like I said, I've been around "the circuit". There hasn't been a lot of substances that I haven't befriended. My wife and I are as close as I could imagine me being with anyone else; we've had hours of conversation about much of what's talked about in this thread, and we've come to the same conclusion: alcohol is a monster of a drug. It kind of baffles me how our society plays it off like it's not even a drug. Some kind of weird veil has been placed over most people's eyes about it. It's acceptable. It's accessible. It's tolerated simply because it's legal, while if I were to drink, say, heroin water, I'd probably be the scum of the Earth to a lot of people. And a lot of THOSE people would be looking so far down on me with a beer in their hand. "Drugs and alcohol". It sounds right because it's been drilled into us. It's a stupid mental label we use to make.... whatever it is.....easier to accept or make sense of. Let's cut the shit, alcohol IS drugs.
I'm never going to endorse or promote or push drug use on ANYONE. I can't condemn or condone. You do what you feel like you have to and we can just hope that you'll do stupid things as intelligently as possible and without hurting other people. That being said, without exception, the only time where my life had taken a drastic turn, or a horrific incident occurred, or a memory where regret is the only thing I could pull from a past event, or physical harm was done to me BY me, ALCOHOL was the driving factor. I'm not saying I'm blaming alcohol. I'm the one that performed all those actions. Alcohol was my happy-to-oblige enabler. Hand me meth and a pipe. Toss me heroin and tinfoil. None of those are "smart" ideas, but they're far from the worst (if we're talking about drug use specifically). You want to see a bad night? You want to see Jekyll and Hyde? You want to see a blackout-driven shitstorm that ends in blood, cops, picking fights, crying, peeing in my own closet, and jumping out of a moving vehicle? Then hand me a bottle of whatever you can get from any store at any hour in America. Perfectly legal. Taxed and everything. Nothing extraordinarily horrific happens on ANY other drug for me. Alcohol is to me what society wants you to think meth is for everyone. I know I'm not alone in that. Alcohol is what I should never take, if something is to be taken.
I'm rambling. Did I mention this is my first comment on bluelight? Did I mention I should've been asleep 24 hours ago?
Phoenix517, my point in this wasn't to ramble about myself. My point was to hopefully reach out and relate to someone else that's also having problems and going through shit. I've been where you are. More than once. It's terrifying. And there's that knot of tightly-wound regret that you can physically feel at your core. Like all you want to do is close your eyes and go back to redo it. All of it. It always felt like a strange desperate anxiety. Like I wanted to crawl out of myself. It's awful. And if you're feeling anything like that, I really am sorry.
It's not the end of your world though, obviously. Realistically, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure that won't stop the feeling though. We're human. We're messed up. I mean, look what we're given to work with. Of COURSE crazy stuff is bound to go down. If I had to give advice from my own experience, I'd say try to look at it as objectively as possible. Drowning in shame won't do anything for anyone. Obviously things need to be addressed. That's up to you and if you both choose, your boyfriend to decide on. But it's not as horrible as it feels. Be as honest as you can with yourself, ask for help if you need it (I need some as I write this), and don't punish yourself while you figure this out. I think you've already gotten that part out of the way. ;-)
Sorry everyone if the length of this was in poor taste. On the flip side, I haven't spoken this many words in a long time.
