Hello, I'm 19 and here to ask of others opinions on weather or not I have a mental illness or if I just experienced a one time episode of psychosis, possibly drug induced.
I had taken acid for the first time this past summer. However I was convinced that the tab was just a square of plain paper because there was no difference after taking it. It felt as if I didn't even do acid at all. There was one visual of the clouds morphing into letters but that was it. And I felt like that was all in my head, like a placebo affect. After I took the acid I hadn't slept for days. 1 and a half weeks went by since the acid and this is where the psychosis began. However I should provide you with factors that may have contributed to the situation. Not only was I sleep deprived but I was accidently starving myself. I barely ate or drank any fluids. Furthermore work was stressful. Also I had been listening to a lot of terrance mckenna and alan watts videos and may have went a little too far down the rabbit hole. I was chronically thinking about life.
I began to feel attacked at work due to my guilty conscious of not taking it that seriously. I felt like everyone thought badly of me and that I wasn't good at my job. Which I was aware that I was not at all invested into the job and didn't care for it at all. One day everything got so overwhelming that when my boss asked me to simply write a contract for someone I completely freaked. I couldn't even think what I was suppose to do. That night I felt really bad so I stayed all night trying to fix things. Unable to get anything done I came in super early the next day too.
When everyone came in I heard everyone talking about me discreetly. It felt like everyone hated me. It got to the point where people were asking me questions and I was frozen. Just stared back at them. I started thinking, and I came to the conclusion that everyone was working against me. I worked at a martial arts studio as the "front desk lady". I came to the conclusion that since I started working there (it was my 6th month working there) that no one had been learning martial arts, but had been paying all this money and they thought I was some how stealing the money and they we're creating a huge lawsuit against me and gaining more and more evidence as they went along. So at the end of the night my boss asks me what's going on. I tell him I didn't realize what was going on this whole time. He asks me what was going on this whole time. I don't respond. I had the delusion that he wanted me to call the cops on myself and confess to stealing an immense quantity of money.
So I call 911 and I say Id like to report a crime that I've committed and to which they reply what was the crime to which I reply not doing my job. Lol stupid when I look back on it. But so then I yell to my boss PLEASE CAN I JUST SPEND ONE MORE NIGHT WITH MY FAMILY AND TOMORROW I'LL GIVE YOU A FULL CONFESSION. I go home crying convinced that I was going to go to prison and die there. I hug my siblings, niece and mom and kiss them all on the cheek and continue to say Im so sorry I'm so sorry! They tell me to calm down and tell them whats going on. I thought the cops we're on their way to my house. I told them it was hard to explain and I didn't do anything wrong but they have so much evidence against me to put me in prison forever. They we're acting strange. Like the cops had been there and talked to them. I felt like cops were outside listening. We went to bed, i slept with my mom (of course I couldnt sleep) i saw lights outside like flash lights looking in the windows. I heard walkie talkies and thought the cops were gonna bust in and take me. I then thought the swat team snuck into my house, i tensed up prepared to be shot in the head.
Then I felt someones hand grab my ankle and I screamed I SURRENDER or I CONFESS or something like that. My mom jumped up and kept asking me questions. I was convinced that she had an earpiece in telling her what to say so they could get a confession out of me. I don't respond to anyone now bc I thought my whole family had earpieces and cameras. My aunt comes over and tries to get me to talk. I hear her say things like do you know you were on the news for killing someone. And I lost my job bc of you. I remain silent becoming more and more delusional. I then thought they could read my mind. And that everyone in the world could read minds except for me. And that I was on a reality show and everyone was watching me. I literally thought the whole world was watching me.
My mom takes me to the ER, she keeps telling me to tell her what I did that was so bad. I then start confessing to things like I molested my sister and cousin and little brother (which I never did of course) and my mom asks whats the most recent thing that I did involving my job. I kept saying the money, i don't know where it is. The doctor tries to take my blood and I flip out. I thought she was going to harm me because I was convinced the whole world wanted me dead, even my mom. When I was younger my dad molested my sister and then fled to cuba to escape going to jail. I had the delusion that I was actually the one who molested my sister when I was little but in attempts to make me better my dad took the blame and left my mom. I had the delusion that something was seriously wrong with me and my parents devoted their lives to trying to make me better. But I took my mom for granted and now she was giving up on me and didn't care if I died.
In the ER I kept hearing the voices of my coworkers outside the door. Saying really bad things about me. I heard them swinging numchucks and thought if I walked out there they would all brutally torture me to death. The voices I had outside the door had me convinced that the world was ending because of me and people we're dying and starving to death. I heard my ex's moms trembling moans of dying outside the door, I tell my mom I have to save her and bring her food. My ex shows up and tries to comfort me, I apologize to him over and over and then a docter comes in with a shot for me. I thought the shot was going to kill me. I was happy because I thought I deserved to die and was relieved that it would all be over. However the shot just put me to sleep. I wake up in a psych hospital. It was like being in a horror movie. I thought the nurses wanted me to kill myself so I attempted to twice. Failed of course.
Got put in a solitary room with nothing but a bed in it. No pillows or blanket or window. I refused to come out of the room when they wanted me to eat. I refused to eat and sleep at first. Making the delusions worse, i thought everyone in there were actors. So when a psycho man came into my room and got on my roomates bed I hesitated to call for help when she told me to. They of course put me on abilify and lexapro. Which I was refusing to take and would pretend to take. Whenever I would go see the doctor all I would say whenever he would ask me something was I don't know where the money is. I didn't do anything wrong. Every night I was expecting cops to come in and get me and take me to jail.
Finally I started to just try to be positive and make the best out of it. So I started eating and taking the medicine but I could not sleep at all. 2 weeks went by and since I was behaving they decided to let me out. When I got out I still thought Id be going to prison. Till I asked my family if they had earpieces in and they told me no. And then I started asking more questions about what was real and what wasn't. That got me back into reality. They diagnosed me with psychosis and bi polar disorder. They said that I had an under lying case of bi polar disorder which taking acid brought to the surface. They recommended staying on the medication for bi polar disorder. However I got off of it because I don't think I have bi polar disorder. I think it was just drug induced psychosis. What do you think?
I had taken acid for the first time this past summer. However I was convinced that the tab was just a square of plain paper because there was no difference after taking it. It felt as if I didn't even do acid at all. There was one visual of the clouds morphing into letters but that was it. And I felt like that was all in my head, like a placebo affect. After I took the acid I hadn't slept for days. 1 and a half weeks went by since the acid and this is where the psychosis began. However I should provide you with factors that may have contributed to the situation. Not only was I sleep deprived but I was accidently starving myself. I barely ate or drank any fluids. Furthermore work was stressful. Also I had been listening to a lot of terrance mckenna and alan watts videos and may have went a little too far down the rabbit hole. I was chronically thinking about life.
I began to feel attacked at work due to my guilty conscious of not taking it that seriously. I felt like everyone thought badly of me and that I wasn't good at my job. Which I was aware that I was not at all invested into the job and didn't care for it at all. One day everything got so overwhelming that when my boss asked me to simply write a contract for someone I completely freaked. I couldn't even think what I was suppose to do. That night I felt really bad so I stayed all night trying to fix things. Unable to get anything done I came in super early the next day too.
When everyone came in I heard everyone talking about me discreetly. It felt like everyone hated me. It got to the point where people were asking me questions and I was frozen. Just stared back at them. I started thinking, and I came to the conclusion that everyone was working against me. I worked at a martial arts studio as the "front desk lady". I came to the conclusion that since I started working there (it was my 6th month working there) that no one had been learning martial arts, but had been paying all this money and they thought I was some how stealing the money and they we're creating a huge lawsuit against me and gaining more and more evidence as they went along. So at the end of the night my boss asks me what's going on. I tell him I didn't realize what was going on this whole time. He asks me what was going on this whole time. I don't respond. I had the delusion that he wanted me to call the cops on myself and confess to stealing an immense quantity of money.
So I call 911 and I say Id like to report a crime that I've committed and to which they reply what was the crime to which I reply not doing my job. Lol stupid when I look back on it. But so then I yell to my boss PLEASE CAN I JUST SPEND ONE MORE NIGHT WITH MY FAMILY AND TOMORROW I'LL GIVE YOU A FULL CONFESSION. I go home crying convinced that I was going to go to prison and die there. I hug my siblings, niece and mom and kiss them all on the cheek and continue to say Im so sorry I'm so sorry! They tell me to calm down and tell them whats going on. I thought the cops we're on their way to my house. I told them it was hard to explain and I didn't do anything wrong but they have so much evidence against me to put me in prison forever. They we're acting strange. Like the cops had been there and talked to them. I felt like cops were outside listening. We went to bed, i slept with my mom (of course I couldnt sleep) i saw lights outside like flash lights looking in the windows. I heard walkie talkies and thought the cops were gonna bust in and take me. I then thought the swat team snuck into my house, i tensed up prepared to be shot in the head.
Then I felt someones hand grab my ankle and I screamed I SURRENDER or I CONFESS or something like that. My mom jumped up and kept asking me questions. I was convinced that she had an earpiece in telling her what to say so they could get a confession out of me. I don't respond to anyone now bc I thought my whole family had earpieces and cameras. My aunt comes over and tries to get me to talk. I hear her say things like do you know you were on the news for killing someone. And I lost my job bc of you. I remain silent becoming more and more delusional. I then thought they could read my mind. And that everyone in the world could read minds except for me. And that I was on a reality show and everyone was watching me. I literally thought the whole world was watching me.
My mom takes me to the ER, she keeps telling me to tell her what I did that was so bad. I then start confessing to things like I molested my sister and cousin and little brother (which I never did of course) and my mom asks whats the most recent thing that I did involving my job. I kept saying the money, i don't know where it is. The doctor tries to take my blood and I flip out. I thought she was going to harm me because I was convinced the whole world wanted me dead, even my mom. When I was younger my dad molested my sister and then fled to cuba to escape going to jail. I had the delusion that I was actually the one who molested my sister when I was little but in attempts to make me better my dad took the blame and left my mom. I had the delusion that something was seriously wrong with me and my parents devoted their lives to trying to make me better. But I took my mom for granted and now she was giving up on me and didn't care if I died.
In the ER I kept hearing the voices of my coworkers outside the door. Saying really bad things about me. I heard them swinging numchucks and thought if I walked out there they would all brutally torture me to death. The voices I had outside the door had me convinced that the world was ending because of me and people we're dying and starving to death. I heard my ex's moms trembling moans of dying outside the door, I tell my mom I have to save her and bring her food. My ex shows up and tries to comfort me, I apologize to him over and over and then a docter comes in with a shot for me. I thought the shot was going to kill me. I was happy because I thought I deserved to die and was relieved that it would all be over. However the shot just put me to sleep. I wake up in a psych hospital. It was like being in a horror movie. I thought the nurses wanted me to kill myself so I attempted to twice. Failed of course.
Got put in a solitary room with nothing but a bed in it. No pillows or blanket or window. I refused to come out of the room when they wanted me to eat. I refused to eat and sleep at first. Making the delusions worse, i thought everyone in there were actors. So when a psycho man came into my room and got on my roomates bed I hesitated to call for help when she told me to. They of course put me on abilify and lexapro. Which I was refusing to take and would pretend to take. Whenever I would go see the doctor all I would say whenever he would ask me something was I don't know where the money is. I didn't do anything wrong. Every night I was expecting cops to come in and get me and take me to jail.
Finally I started to just try to be positive and make the best out of it. So I started eating and taking the medicine but I could not sleep at all. 2 weeks went by and since I was behaving they decided to let me out. When I got out I still thought Id be going to prison. Till I asked my family if they had earpieces in and they told me no. And then I started asking more questions about what was real and what wasn't. That got me back into reality. They diagnosed me with psychosis and bi polar disorder. They said that I had an under lying case of bi polar disorder which taking acid brought to the surface. They recommended staying on the medication for bi polar disorder. However I got off of it because I don't think I have bi polar disorder. I think it was just drug induced psychosis. What do you think?
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