I can't take it anymore

[aihfl]

I tried to find my recovery thread but I can't find it. I got pinched for DUI on the second. My mother is offering to send me somewhere. I think I'll do it. The attorney I hired also thinks it's a good idea because I was so wasted that the DA wants to upgrade my charges to a felony and returning to treatment may mitigate. Also I just need to get away from the shitshow that is my life; "deranged carousel" as one friend eloquently put it. Because I wasn't a Tennessee resident I had to post my own $3k bond. Shit just got real.

 

[cj]

Hey man like we talked about before this is a temporary setback. Not catching the felony is obviously the main concern for a person like yourself with a professional type career. Rehab will only be a month this day in age so it's not forever. We both know they won't tell you anything ground breaking but society sees it as a necessary step so play there little game. At the very least your going to end up having to do IOP from the court anyway more then likely.

Keep your head up.

 

[aihfl]

Thanks CJ. I'm in a really dark place right now and am wondering if I made the wrong choice in 2013 when I drove to the Tappan Zee Bridge with the intention of jumping off and didn't.

 

[Tubbs]

Hang in there man, be strong, I think the rehab would be a good idea. Partly because I believe the state is less likely to pop you for the felony if you're getting help, and partly to help you get your mind in a better place.

 

[achemicalreaction]

rehab isn't that bad. can you qualify for outpatient? i see your in the ny area and can tell u a couple spots if ya want. def. a good choice not going tappan zee, that bridge is the worst! but yeah feel free to pm me

 

[Downwardplane]

Rehab is a cake walk, it beats jail. Get in treatment and let your lawyer work some magic. Good luck to you.

 

[aihfl]

rehab isn't that bad. can you qualify for outpatient? i see your in the ny area and can tell u a couple spots if ya want. def. a good choice not going tappan zee, that bridge is the worst! but yeah feel free to pm me

I left the northeast after my divorce but there's a non 12 step place near Albany that I'm interested in. There's also another place in northwest Connecticut that sounds appealing. I think this is the first time I've actually wanted to go to treatment. When I flirted with the idea of jumping I was parked in a lane closed for maintenance but a NYS Cop cruised past and I didn't want to go there. There's suicide prevention phones on the bridge but I figured I was either going to do it or not.

Rehab is a cake walk, it beats jail. Get in treatment and let your lawyer work some magic. Good luck to you.

Yeah a diet of PBJ and wonderbread isn't appealing for the long term.

 

[achemicalreaction]

I bet Albany would be great for that. The shitty isn’t a fun place when things get hard. Hope it works out for you.
If you have insurance, take advantage of it! Or if fam can help.

 

[aihfl]

Yeah the place in Albany and Kent, CT don't bill insurance so I would need mom to come through. If not there's some options in the south where I live now. There's a couple of places in Alabama (including one at the University of Alabama medical school in Birmingham). Just a matter of who will accept my insurance. I just want to get the fuck out of my house and be fed decently for a while.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

what was your BAC, or are they claiming drugged driving?

 

[aihfl]

what was your BAC, or are they claiming drugged driving?

I don't even know - Tennessee doesn't breathalyze, they take blood. Given that I don't even remember the stop and arrest, things aren't looking good.

 

[cj]

I don't even know - Tennessee doesn't breathalyze, they take blood. Given that I don't even remember the stop and arrest, things aren't looking good.

Looking around it looks like you would of had to be over .20 to qualify for enhanced penalty. That seems unlikely Imo.

 

[aihfl]

I don't know CJ. I've been hospitalized with a BAC of .55. The doctor couldn't believe I was conscious and somewhat able to communicate with him.

 

[Stargazer]

aih-

You and I are in the exact same place--or on the same horse on the deranged carousel.

I feel trapped and unable to explain my actions-to myself. Please don't jump off a bridge. I totally get it though.

When I was in Gabapentin w/d Friday night into Sat morning- I was considering ending everything too.

I would take your mom up on the offer. St Judes sent me a really nice folder w a dvd. If there is any way I can get in there I would leave jump on it.

Take a breath. We will get this. Because we want to.

 

[aihfl]

Thanks for the positive vibes, 10. I'm also looking at High Watch Farm in Kent, Connecticut and they will bill insurance now, which is a change from when I was looking at going there in 2015. They are hardcore 12 steppers but I've known people who have gone there and it just seems like a lovely comfortable place with gourmet food. I have other options closer to home as well. CJ was telling me about the University of Alabama medical school in Birmingham and there is another place in Alabama. All depends on who will accept my insurance. I'm done with the Florida rehab racket though.

How much gabapentin were you taking? I find it makes me weirdly dizzy so I only take it at night and I only take 900mg. I've read accounts of people taking insanely high doses.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I don't even know - Tennessee doesn't breathalyze, they take blood. Given that I don't even remember the stop and arrest, things aren't looking good.

Damn.

Well, I think your lawyer has the right idea. I would seek treatment and hope for the best. Stay strong.

I've been hospitalized with a BAC of .55. The doctor couldn't believe I was conscious and somewhat able to communicate with him.

People typically die around this level. I'm glad to know you are still alive man.

 

[tired of crap]

Morning (here anyways) aihfl,

Been a while. Im sorry to hear that things have taken such a turn.

I know its of no use to tell you not to worry, so I wont ... but know that your in my thoughts.
A wise man once said "Hope for the best and plan for the worst"... I dunno how quick these sorts of cases push through the courts but the last thing your gonna wanna do is WD in the clink.As others have said, take the rehab. Not only will it look good for the courts (Lord knows it/a good lawyer were the only things to prevent me from jail, all those years ago) but you might find something that you can use too.

As far as the "deranged carousel" your on called life. Well Im reminded of a Bill Hicks quote

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time....
But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice."

Though the choices arent always easy, and sometimes it feels like choice is only an illusion...we can change.

Much love brother.
TOC

 

[cj]

I don't know CJ. I've been hospitalized with a BAC of .55. The doctor couldn't believe I was conscious and somewhat able to communicate with him.

Damn man your a fucking beast. I did some research last night for you. It looks like your going to be required to do IOP at the minimum if you plead guilty so you may as well go ahead and knock it out on your terms when it can still effect sentencing. At least you didn't wreck as those penalties are stiff to say the least.

Keep your head up. Give uab a call they are really good by all accounts

 

[KraziKat]

The reality is, the Tappan Zee Bridge is gone but you're still here. Hang in there.

 

[aihfl]

I broke down and ordered vodka delivery from Publix liquors. Going on 24 hours with no sleep and I'm starting to hallucinate and see shadow people. I don't need to be driving in this condition.