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I can't take it anymore

That sounds like a good plan man. Take some time but don't put it on the back burner either. That sponsor sounds like someone you would be better without honestly.

Hang in there
 
CJ, I'm going to go up TN early next week to talk to a DUI lawyer and then figure out where to go from there. I'm seriously considering Bradford or the place here in Florida I went to in 2015 although I'm not crazy about the idea about going back there, but at least they are professional.
 
I went to Bradford about 9 years ago. It was strong on the medical side, clean, good setting, good enough food, it was heavy AA oriented, you left for optional outside meetings on weekdays. Master level phych ran the groups on the weekdays from 8-5. Minimal one to one counseling. In fact I think the only time I met with my counselor was to go over a discharge plan. Weekends sucked we didn't do shit and it was boring as hell. The groups where seperated by sex and age. Phychiatrist was not on staff I don't think. They detoxed benzos and alcohol with phenobarbital. If you have any other questions I'll try to remember. But do keep in mind shit can change in 9 years
 
The setting at Bradford seems pretty. If nothing else it seems like it would nice to take a walk through the woods on property on the weekends.
 
Yeah they had a little walking trail. Lots of people used it for a little private time to work out that newly rediscovered libido if u know what I'm saying. That's another cool part they where lax on the female male interaction long as you weren't just over the top about it. I left with a gf. Also you should look into there extended Care program it's like 45 days I think. It's used by doctors and nurses who want to keep there licenses so it's a more upscale proffessional type crowd. Plus man they only kept me 14 days and that includes detox. That's the worst downside I think. Also make sure you enquire about the phychiatrist issue cause I'm honestly hazy on that part.
 
Well everyone here's where things now stand. I hired an attorney and he's going to try and get the blood evidence suppressed. If that doesn't work, he's going to try to work out a deal with the district attorney so that I serve 48 hours in jail minus the time I already spent there instead of a week. He said the DA has never said no to such a deal. I asked if going to inpatient treatment would help my case and he said not for a first DUI so I'm thinking at this point going would be superfluous. I've already spent enough time in rehabs that I know everything that's going to be said anyway. I just have to get serious about working a strong recovery program. I was sober for a year before I started binging four months ago, I can do it again. I have an appointment with my own psychiatrist tomorrow.
 
Man, aihfl...I've been offline the last few weeks and just caught up with your story. I'm so sorry things have been so messed up.
 
simco said:
Man, aihfl...I've been offline the last few weeks
Click to expand...

Yeah it's been kind of lonely around here. CJ is off fighting his own battle.
 
If you’re miserable, what have you got to lose!? Things have a funny way of working themselves out and if your mom is willing to help why not have some time to really take an outside/in look ya know? Hey, you could be one of the lucky ones who decides they love that life and never give going back another thought! They?re out there:)
 
Im glad to hear that youre getting all the legal stuff figured out. I bet thats a relief.

Hows everything else coming along?
 
Hi TOC, things are going ok. I am back on my psych meds so I am feeling pretty good. I do not know if I said this in an earlier post but the crazy doctor at the hospital wanted me to quit all my psych meds cold turkey. I am still trying to decide what comes next.
 
Yes you had mentioned that. Did they mention why they wanted you to quit the psyche meds?

What do you feel your options are moving forward?
 
No there was no explanation why she wanted me off the psych meds. A blood pressure and a cholesterol med was also on the list. There is a place CJ went to that offers outpatient services where my mother lives. I am thinking about living with her and doing intensive outpatient at that facility. I also have another motive for going - I reconnected with someone I went to high school with. She is educated and funny and is about as fucked up as I am but she is not an addict.
 
aihfl said:
I have given up on the rehab I was planning on attending. They are requiring me to see a gastroenterologist before they'll admit me. I still have no idea what I'd be seeing a GI doctor for, plus if bloodwork is required there's no way the results will be in ahead of their Feb 5 deadline. I am very unimpressed with their level of professionalism and have concluded that it's time to look elsewhere. I'm not worried about relapsing in the near short term given how fresh the hospitalization memories are. My sponsor is dumping me but I never asked him for his help. In fact, I didn't even want it at the time. I'm not going to be in a rush to find somewhere to go, nor am I going to be in a rush to find someone else to work with. I've always favored slower, methodical decision making and I think that will serve me well in finding a program and sponsor that is a good fit for me.
Click to expand...

alcohol use can be severely damaging to the stomach lining (although it's also very harmful to the heart, liver, kidneys, etc.)

Perhaps it is wise to look elsewhere.
 
Just had an appointment with the psychiatrist. He was horrified at the detox experience I had in the hospital because of that hack doctor. He said I could have done just as well at home with Ativan, clonidine and propranolol. Anyway I told him about an untreated concussion from a fall down a staircase I had in 2013 so he is ordering neuro-psychological testing to check for any permanent damage. That seems to be about the time my anxiety and drinking went off the rails.
 
I've been AF for 22 days and the AA crowd is already getting on my nerves. A friend asked me yesterday what my plans were for a meeting yesterday and I told her I was planning on going to two tomorrow so I was going to stay in and watch the Winter Olympics and she snarkily replied, "Not a priority." I still didn't go to a meeting but I lied and told her I did because you know, the whole picking your battles thing. I went to a second meeting tonight and I really wish I had just stood my ground and stayed home because I'm starting to have a shitty attitude. Some people had worthwhile things to say but for everyone else I was thinking, "Blah blah blahbity blah shut the fuck up." I'm looking forward to the Refuge Recovery meeting tomorrow.
 
You probably have heard of the term "gift of desperation". It is one of the many cliches thrown around 12-step programs. I will share with you my experience with it and why your "friend" may be a better friend than you think...

Before I was clean my sanity and level of desperation had a nearly perfect negative correlation. The more insane I got the more desperate I became and vice versa. At some point the circumstances of my life were no longer acceptable to me. Out of pure desperation I sought help of others. Yeah sounds pretty simple and probably something you have come to your own realization of.

Clean, my level of sanity and the desperation of others has a nearly perfect positive correlation. Desperation went away pretty fast once I was clean and not having to do the things I did to find ways and means to get one more. The power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is only found in the room. It isn't god, or it is, it doesn't really matter. Hearing the desperation of others somehow keeps me grounded. When I have been insane for a very long time it becomes my natural state therefore, naturally I will seek to avoid situations that bring me closer to sanity.

Recovery operates at such a simplistic and basic level that considering "wants" and "needs" is overthinking and an exercise in futility. Seeking my "wants" and "needs" had me desperate enough to go to a meeting. I was sure I "needed" what was in that balloon for several decades. I am convinced that I "wanted" and better life yet couldn't stop smoking a quarter a day while watching Spongebob on my ratty old couch. When I came to terms with the reality that I have some piss poor ability to judge my wants and needs it became much easier to take someone else's ideas on a trial basis.

Meetings are a filled with life managers. Yeah annoying. Oh wait. I am the king of life managers. I can always tell someone else how to not screw up their life, yet I am completely incapable of taking my own advice. Strange, maybe the people in this meeting are equally as good at doing the same thing? Let me have a listen.

Desperation is a gift that keeps on giving. Today the gift is in the desperation of others because my life is peaceful, joyful, and free of desperation the vast majority of the time.

One last note on a restoration to sanity and why the door knob is a perfect higher power:

In my active use if I was lucky enough to have a car and that car broke down and some associate told me, "why don't you take that care to your dentist...he will fix it right up!" I would have told the dude he was insane.
And if my teeth were jacked up and he said, "why don't you see your mechanic about that grill...he is a whiz with f'd up chompers!" I would have said he was insane.
Somehow for the first 36 years of my life I took my drug problem everywhere except a room full of people that have experience at dealing with a drug problem...how insane am I? I basically took my car to the dentist and my teeth to the mechanic for 3 decades. You don't have to like it. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to want it. You don't have to need it. You just have to do it. The simplest solution will elude me every time.

I spent 36 years trying to walk through walls to get to the otherside, when all I had to do was use the doorknob...
 
The Refuge Recovery meeting was great. I was having issues with work so it was nice to just sit quietly, meditate, and empty my mind, although the tiny room was completely packed and it got uncomfortably warm. I listen to the words in the guided meditation, but I don't focus on the meaning of the words, I just listen to them, if that makes any sense. My book should be in today's mail, yay! Also, there was very little overlap between the AA and RR crowds. Lots of faces I didn't recognize.

10, what's the word on St. Jude's? My psychiatrist referred me to a very heavy duty psychologist who has been practicing for many years. I'm going to have neuro-psych testing done at the end of the month and perhaps then I can assess whether or not outpatient therapy with him would be effective. I have options, which is always nice, and even if I stayed here in Florida, my ex wife and I talk daily and I have a great support network of friends from AA and RR.

I apologize for the whiney tone of my last post. Addicts don't particularly like being told what to do. If it wasn't for AA and RR, I'd probably be passed out on my couch and my house would still be trashed.

Forgot to mention I'm looking forward to seeing Winchester tomorrow with my ex. I toured the actual house in San Jose back in 2008. It's a weird, creepy place for sure.
 
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