Mental Health I am so sick of it all!

[LynnD]

I posted in another thread that I suffer from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had found out that the only drugs that treat Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder are drugs that cause me to have seizures and doctor's won't prescribe them even though I'm already on anti-seizure medication (I'm on Lamotrigine and Keppra). I also take Clonazepam and BuSpar but the only thing BuSpar does is increase my anxiety and the doctors want me to take the BuSpar anyway, since it seems to "lessen" the severity of my Simple-Partial Seizures (the anti-seizure medication I am on doesn't directly treat Simple-Partial Seizures; the last Grand Mal Seizures and the last Grand Mal Seizure I had was in 2008!)

Even though Clonazepam can also treat seizures that is not what I'm on that for. I'm on it for anxiety. I have severe feelings of anxiety when it comes to being around people; today, I had to go to the Emergency Room to have my Clonazepam prescription refilled since my doctor wasn't available! I usually take 2 mg as needed (I have always had a natural "high tolerance" when it comes to benzodiazepines; even when I first took them - Ativan doesn't work at all unless I take at least 4 mg, Valium just makes me have a headache and feel freezing cold even though I took the recommended dose and Xanax made me throw up (and I don't drink or do any drugs so there was nothing else in my system to interact with the drug or make me sick)!

I am always feeling depressed or anxious; I lost my keys and can't find them (so I had to call a locksmith) and I'm now worried that my mother (who is the person I live with) will make me go to the mall I'm "banned" from (I talked about this in an earlier post) to replace the keys! I think the ban ends in March (since I was told I was banned in March 2017 but wasn't given a piece of paper stating that I was banned - however, I am allowed to use the pharmacy in the mall to fill my prescriptions (which I do once a month). The Security Guards that told me I was banned (there were only two of them) remind me of this whenever they see me (which isn't very often - I make sure I'm in and out of the mall before they notice, even though I'm allowed in there for the pharmacy. I once went into the pharmacy and when I came out one of the security guards that was with the one that told me I was banned reminded me that I wasn't supposed to be in the mall. I responded by saying that it was only for a year and the ban should expire in March 2018. The security guard said the ban is probably extended because I entered the mall, even though it was to pick up a prescription. (when I went in the pharmacy was closed for their Holiday Party; I didn't know that they would be closed for that since it was November - I thought workplace holiday parties happened in December!) I asked how long the ban would be and the security guard claimed he didn't know and would have to get back to me and let me know. I gave him my contact information and haven't heard back. This was on November 18, 2017. It's now January 12, 2018 and I still haven't heard anything. I don't plan on calling them either. And the irony is today, when I was looking for my keys, I spoke with a security guard in the mall (thinking someone may have turned them into the mall even though I was only in the pharmacy part of the mall - I am allowed there). The security guard said he didn't see any keys and asked if I contacted Customer Service, which I did. It's strange that only two security guards are harassing me, claiming I'm banned, yet the security guard I spoke to today didn't say anything about that (and he has been working there for a while, I see him sometimes on my way to the pharmacy).

I have felt sick because of things like this for a while; I suffer from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the years of bullying I have endured - by both people my own age and older people. Truthfully, my life is almost identical to Carrie White's (from the movie and book "Carrie").

I'm sick of living this life; anytime I express a feeling and opinion I get yelled at. I called my neighbor to see if she saw any keys and she said no, and that someone will probably turn them in. I stated they might not, because we live in an area with people who are not honest and do bad things. She then snapped that I have done lots of bad things too. I guess I deserve to hear that. After all, I am a bad person - if I stand up for myself (such as telling someone to shut up when they are being mean) that is bad and yes, when I was younger, I shoplifted but not at the mall I got banned from! I did those things years before the security guard harassed me or banned me - he didn't even work at the stores that I shoplifted from (the stores were not in the mall nor were they located near the mall)!

I have been bullied, called names, had mean things written about and to me, had mean things said about and to me, and have been physically attacked too. And guess what? Every time something like that happened, the person that was mean to me got away with it; they didn't even get scolded yet if I did or said anything back, even if it was to just tell the person to shut up, I would be in trouble! I got the message that I'm supposed to be a punching bag that is supposed to take bruises without fighting back, that much has been made loud and clear since whenever I reported it, even if someone in authority witnessed it, nothing was done!

I got the message that I don't matter, a fucking flea probably matters more than I do. One of my mom's boyfriend's sons (who will go by "S.") gave a gift card for my mom and her boyfriend, plus a gift card for his brother (who will go by "A.") He didn't get anything for me, even though I knew him the same amount of time I knew "A."

"A." gave gifts to everyone - he gave a gift card to me, my mom, a gift card to his father, and a gift card to his brother, "S."

I've known both "A." and "S." the exact same amount of time and spent just about the exact same amount of time visiting both of them. When "S." excluded me from the gifts that hurt but mom used the excuse that he had just built a new home for himself therefore couldn't give gifts to everyone. If I did what he did I would be reprimanded! This is just another example of how much I'm worth.

Schools allowed students to bully me even if the teachers saw it happen; the teachers never did anything about it, yet if I stood up for myself at all or if a bully claimed I did or said something when I didn't, I would be in trouble and the bully wouldn't get any repercussions at all.

I guess because I have Autism it justifies that people can treat me like shit - I guess I'm not worth much in anyone's eyes - people could care less about me; to them, I'm just some freak that they can treat like shit.

I keep hoping for death but each day I wake up, I'm disappointed. It's thanks to the shit I've gone through (and am still going through) that I don't want to be here anymore. I took 6 mg of Clonazepam (since when I took 2 mg the other night it didn't work) and it doesn't seem to have worked either, despite the last time I ate was 9:30 a.m.; I took the pills at approximately 9:20 p.m. (it's now 11:11 p.m. here) I just wish that I could die already and be free from all of this shit. If I was put on earth just to endure pain and suffering, then I don't give a damn if I go to hell when I die, since to me, I'm already there. And I know all about the "life's what you make it" stuff and I've TRIED making it good but when you experience the things I've experienced each day (and I mean experience from birth onwards) than maybe you'll see that I'm not being "over-dramatic" and have a right to feel the way I feel. To me, there is no real point in life; the only purpose I've managed to figure out is that I'm supposed to be a punching bag for others - that's the message I got a long time ago and still get with family members.

And no, I'm trying to be negative, this is just how I feel.

 

[LynnD]

Thank you for the reply; I appreciate it.

I am sorry that you are going through some stressful things as well. I do try to think each day will be better but that hasn't exactly worked for me. I'm better off staying at home and not going out unless I absolutely have to; that's what I've decided based on all of the things that have happened whenever I have been out. I have an exercise bike downstairs so I use that for exercise, I'm not going to become lazy.

When I was in the hospital yesterday, I was told that the only way to treat Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is to participate in a group therapy. I can't do that since I am afraid to be around people.

I went to the mall last night to see if I could find my keys and was scared the entire time because of all of the people, and one of the people who isn't very nice to me tried to chase me (because I accidentally bumped into him). I had called a taxi and the taxi pulled up just in time for me to get in so the person couldn't get me. I don't feel safe where I live; if I had the money or resources, I would have left the province I'm in (I'm in Canada) and moved to another province instead, one where nobody knows me. I am tired of this shitty feeling. I try not to feel this way but when you have experiences like mine, even experiences like someone chasing you because you bumped into them, you want to leave. I posted in an earlier post about the things that contributed to the development of my Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and because of all of that, I hate where I live and want to get out of here. Being in this province makes me feel sick, both emotionally and physically.

You may say that it won't change when I leave. That's not necessarily true. If I leave, I won't be speaking to anyone unless it's necessary; I will be keeping more to myself as ever, I am already starting to do that, or be as helpful as I was when I was here. (that's probably why people hate me anyway, because I, as someone else said in a nasty post "try like a fucking psychopath to be your friend", when all I do is help if I notice they need help with something!)

I am sorry if this seems negative but it makes me feel sick that this has been my life so far; I've tried to change it but can't so the only thing I can do now, since I can't move, is to shut just about everyone that isn't immediately related to me or someone I need to see, such as a doctor, out. I used to be helpful and nice but that's coming to an end. I'm not going to start saying nasty things but I won't be immediately offering help if I see someone who might need help, either. As I once heard, you can only push someone so far before they break. Well, I'm now broken.

 

[Trev26]

I'm very sorry too hear all the hard times you are going through, and I can relate to many of the same things as you. I too am familiar with the thought of just ending it all. I want to put a bullet in my head but would hate too devastate my mom and brother, so I just pray every night I don't wake up.

I'll be 25 next week and have 2 herniated disks, degenerative disk disease, spodilosis and nerve pain. I am constantly in pain every second of the day and cause of my age, the doctors say there's not much they can do. I've done PT, nerve blocks, acupuncture, and epidural shots and nothing has given me any relief. My doctors also give me limited pain medication because of this opioid epidemic. (I live in southern California btw) Also because I'm so young my doctors say I am not a candidate for surgery.

Every time it seems like my life is maybe getting better, I'm hit with a heavy blow that sends me into a deeper depression. About 4 years ago I was in a car accident that killed 5 of my friends, and I was the only one too survive. You can probably find the article on Google or something,( Burbank car accident on Scott road) anyways as you can imagine I was severely damaged mentally and physically. Then the next year my dad passed away from a massive heart attack a week before my birthday. We were pretty close so that was very painful, and I had a trip planned for Vegas for us.( my birthday is 1/26 and his birthday was 1/14) speaking of Vegas I was also staying at Mandalay bay during the massacre on 10/1, and even though I wasn't attending the concert, I can still hear the endless gunshots clear as day, and I can still see the panic and stress of everyone wondering what was going on when I close my eyes.

I used too have a good paying job at Warner brother studios, but because of the lifting and other manual labor, I had too quit. Now money is very tight and I'm always stressing if I can pay the bills and stuff. I make my living by playing poker now, so like any other gambling, there is good months and bad months.if you don't mind me asking, what part of Canada do you live in? I ask because poker is regulated their, and like you stated, I just want too dissaper and start over.

I don't have a gf or I don't even really like leaving the house that often except for pt, or to go to the pharmacy. I guess maybe because of all the traumatic events I've been through, I have a hard time talking to people whether it's a girl or a guy. I just can't keep up a conversation and don't know what to say most of the time which then brings that awkward silence and is so uncomfortable.

I don't post on here very often but I like lurking and reading other people's threads and opinions. I have found this forum to be very supportive and there are a lot of good people on here who have very wise advise, and helpful suggestions. Honestly I wish I can say it will get better but life is hard and the truth is, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I hope my story inspires you too keep fighting and know there are a lot of people who care deeply for you, and be crushed if you were too die, including your mom.

Best of luck too you. Were all routing for you!