• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

KraziKat's Quit II: This time it's for real!

KraziKat

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 30, 2013
Messages
458
Okay, here's the situation (my parents went away on a week's vacation...)

In all seriousness, I could use any and all advice and encouragement. During my five years of serious opiate/opiod addiction, what I have to do has never been more clear. I think deep down, I knew those previous attempts were temporary or just to appease others. I truly did not want to quit. Now I do; I'm even excited about it.

If only it was so easy. The caveat is, in order to maintain my job, marriage and home life (two kids, 5 and 3), I am going to do this ? detox and heal ? unbeknownst to my wife. She's known about two other "quits" and subsequent relapses, and well, a third confession will end things I am afraid. She knows about the kratom and thinks that's all I am doing. So, my plan is to tell her my daily kratom habit has gotten out of hand, is more serious and worse than ever, and I am quitting/detoxing from kratom. That's my story, for her. For BL, however, it's this:

The real story is, for the last few months I've been hooked back on 30 mg roxies, eating up to 7-8 of them daily. I am in the worst funk and fog of my life. I feel like they are not even doing anything for me anymore but keeping me out of WD. I am disgusted with myself. I am ready.

It all started around 5 years ago. Perc 5's turned into 30 mg roxies that I would cut into quarters. It went from 15 mg a day to 30 and so on... In between, or when I'd run dry, I'd suffer and use kratom, sometimes subs, but always went back to my DOC. I would also drink like a crazy on the days between, which I've learned is a horrible thing to do as well.

I have enough blues to last me for the next two days, I may try and taper somewhat and stretch it to 3, ideally, as it would be nice to start my "quit" after the weekend so all seems "normal" over the weekend. Then, I'll go into my toolkit, which I am in the process of amassing.

I have or will have:

6 Sub strips
A fair amount of Alprozolam aka Xanax (don't know exactly, but "enough" I think)
A small amount of gabapentin (still waiting on those) -- trading last few blues for them cause I think they'll be crucial, from what I have read. Have no exp with gabapentin
8 30 mg adderall
Lots of MJ -- high CBD content vape, flower, and 5 gummies each of 10 mg sativa and indica, as well as 1 to 1 THC/CBD tincture.
2 kilos of kratom: yellow, green, red, and white strains.
Lots of lope and tagamet, as well as white grapefruit juice
And, leftover from previous attempts, just about every vitamin, amino acid
 
Post got cut off...

Anything OTC I also have -- adpatogens, vitamins, amino acids -- a ludicrous and stupid amount of stuff.

Please advise BL, as your support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I'll try and journal here in order to hold myself accountable. My GOAL, hopefully sooner than later, is to no longer be physically dependent on anything, kratom included.

If you are reading this, babe, I am so so sorry. I love you and the kids more than anything. You deserve better. I will be better.
 
And I do not HAVE to use all six subs. I never liked em. Sub strategies with the six I have is appreciated.
 
Look up "my very short term sub taper" by rb3b on the drugs.com forum. I followed his plan, and am clean 41 days now. The thread is about as good as it gets. He details everything, and had many others in the thread follow along with him. 5yrs later people those people came back saying they were still clean. It's got 31 pages of great reading in it. Basically, 8mg day 1, 2.5 day 2, 1.5 day, 3, 1mg day 4, then jumped.
 
Look up "my very short term sub taper" by rb3b on the drugs.com forum. I followed his plan, and am clean 41 days now. The thread is about as good as it gets. He details everything, and had many others in the thread follow along with him. 5yrs later people those people came back saying they were still clean. It's got 31 pages of great reading in it. Basically, 8mg day 1, 2.5 day 2, 1.5 day, 3, 1mg day 4, then jumped.

Thanks. I'll have to do the math and see if 6 is enough. Is using gabapentin and benzos even reccomended or necesarry with sub usage? Should I try and hold off? Will there be insomia and RLS on the subs?

And congrats on 41!
 
sleep will be tough, i didn't sleep on my own for 3 wks, but .2mg of clonidine, and 3mg of melatonin gave me 3-4hrs through it. If you have benzos id only take them after the sub, and jyst for 3-5 day's at night, for sleep. My thread is on here, "new member, need help".
 
sleep will be tough, i didn't sleep on my own for 3 wks, but .2mg of clonidine, and 3mg of melatonin gave me 3-4hrs through it. If you have benzos id only take them after the sub, and jyst for 3-5 day's at night, for sleep. My thread is on here, "new member, need help".

I Alldone... thanks four your input. I read your entire thread – so impressive how you did and how you'd continuing to do so well.

So yesterday I spaced out my few remaining oxy doses so well throughout the day, basically I halved my was had become normal intake of 7-8 pills to just 4 30s. I actually have five left for today which I'll take this evening.

Tomorrow I'll start my short term sub taper, using the RB3/Alldone framework. I have a couple concerns. I could not have picked a worse time to get clean, tbh. Only a handful of selected friends know about this addiction. And I plan on keeping it that way.

I havw to be more than functional at work this -- I am on a deadline. Next weekend I'll be on a ski trip with all of my wife's family. Cousins, kids and crap. On Feb 4, my family of four is going to Disney with my in-laws for the week. OY! The thought of that trip without pills??

It has been so long that I forgot how well subs work. Will I be feeling normal? Remember, I only have 6 strips and a bunch of comfort meds, plus kratom, which I prefer not to become a daily user of again.

And I do NOT want to get physically addicted to the subs. No way. Can I do a two week taper and be done with them and scot free?
 
You really couldn't of picked a worse time. The first week i didn't work. The second, it was a struggle to make it through an 8hr day, but i made it. I just felt heavy legged, and a fog in the brain. Skiing could help though, because of the exercise, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
 
Oh, my. You do have a bit of a struggle in front of you. I think the things you have to attend to for the next few weeks will be difficult. However, I've noticed that when I really get into something; a song, a work out, a movie - I can actually forget, albeit briefly, that I feel so shitty. I agree with Alldonewithit that the exercise of skiing will help. You also have a pretty short run you're dealing with here - just a few months. So, perhaps being occupied and physically active will help you get through this in record time.

Personally, I can't stand subs. From what I've learned through all this, though, is that the anxiety I felt on subs may have just been the wd from oxymorphone (my DOC from my PMD). The worst part of the subs for me was that you cant take benzodiapines on it. Really. Don't do it. It can kill you. After the subs, The gabapentin and benzos will be a LIFESAVER. I strongly encourage you to wait to take the adderrall until the anxiety from the wd at least dies down a bit. I've read 2 or 3 people saying adderrall helps out of HUNDREDS who said it made everything magnified and worse. I'd be real careful with that "comfort" med, if I were you. I agree also, with an earlier post to reserve your comfort meds for after you have finished the sub - except for the 24 hours before you take the sub. Use comfort meds to make it a full 24 hours or you will risk precipitated withdrawals --- from the lack of time, not the lack of comfort meds. If that happens, you will not be able to hide what is happening - just surviving it will take all the strength you've got, IME.

Speaking of hiding what is happening, as a wife w/kids, doing my second and final "quit", I encourage you to share with your wife what you are going through. You obviously know her better than some random BL member, so I could be wrong. But, I bet, particularly since, from your post, it looks like she might find out anyway, if you tell her, she will surprise you with compassion and consideration. I know my husband has. She might be pissed, but assuming she loves you and want the best for you and your family, she could be vital to your getting through this. Just my $.02, though, on a subject that is really none of my business, so, I apologize in advance if that particular advise is not applicable to you.

Good luck. You can do this. It's gonna really suck, but you can do it.

Edit: 3rd and final quit. The first one was so short lived because of pwd, it hardly counts.
 
Last edited:
Thank you, Mel, and again thank you, Alldone. Anxiety is through the roof right now in anticipation, and knowing that I have selected such a horrible time for all of this. My junkie brain has terrible thoughts creeping in... "I'll just use subs and kratom for a week or so, until I can score more pills, then business as usual with the oxy's until after Disney."

I'm not ruling that out, it's an option, but I want to ride my current mental state of WANTING this so badly. This is the strongest I have ever felt, in five years, of wanting my life back.

Another option is simply do subs for a week, and then hop back on the kratom train, what I did for many months prior to this last run. Trading in the oxy addiction for a kratom addiction... and then taper, taper, taper the kratom. Or not. Basically, I haven't been "clean" in nearly 5 years. I haven't woken up jonesing for something in so long.

I openly use kratom at home. And in the spirit of harm reduction, I've convinced my wife that it's okay. That it keeps me off pills, scratches the itch and satisfies my cravings. After my last "coming out" quit, I went to therapy, wife joined me, and after all the cards were on the table it was determined that kratom was my my form of ORT. I chose it over suboxone or methadone, and it was accepted.

With that said, I'll travel with it for these trips, and it will be there if I NEED it. It really is a remarkable plant.

As its often echoed here, I am not going to be too hard on myself.

The plan hasn't changed. I'll take my last blue demon tonight, and hold off until as long as I can to tommorow induce. I'll try 2 mg and wait, then up to 4 if needed. I'm not so worried about PW. I have never had them. Every time I've taken gone from blues (oxy) to kratom I've taken the last pill at night and sub the next day with no problem. Better safe than sorry, I'll wait as long as I can.

I would love to tell her, but it would be so horrible. It was a year ago March that I told her the last time, with the pills. The first time, a year or two prior, she caught me. And last year, to say she was DEVASTATED, is such an understatement. To this day I regret telling her. And she is in really good spirits right now, she is sooo excited for these trips... she just made our kids chocolate chip pancakes for dinner and is actually happy.

Of course, being a junkie, I'm a pretty good liar. Nothing to brag about. I suck. But if things can noticeably bad for me, I can tell her that I've ramped up my kratom usage and I am want to get off. I could tell her I got into extracts or something.

Okay, I feel like I'm just rambling here. Thank you.
Krazi
 
after thinking about this more, My advice, and I'd hate to say it, would be if you can get enough blues until vacation is over, then wait till then to detox. You don't want to ruin your family's vacation. It sounds like your wife isn't pleased with the whole situation, and if you ruin the vacation, it'll compound things. You don't want sub wds, or kratom wds either.
 
Last edited:
My wife was also disgusted with me, but I've put her through much worse than seeing me in wds, so she stuck it out with me, thankfully.
 
Well, today will be Day 1 no DOC. Took my last blue and a half last night around 8 pm. Took 400 mg gabapentin around midnight. Woke up very disoriented for some reason -- took several seconds to realize even what day it was.

Physically, I feel pretty good. Maybe the gab still working?

Heading to work. Have a ton to do. I work in journalism and I'm on deadline for a magazine that I am the editor of. I have to put together about a 2000 word article today. I have my toolkit, subs at the ready.

Stay tuned.
 
And now I'm at my desk. As I was leaving for work, I took one last rummage through one of my stashing spots, and lo and behold found half a blue. Ugh. Well, I didn't eat it nor did I toss it, I just left it behind. What good would it do me to eat it? Just prolong the time I need to take sub, I was figuring.

Well, here I am, have a lot of work to do, and all I think about is opiate addiction and recovery, precip WD, suboxone, kratom, lions and tiger and bears oh my
 
Symptoms starting to kick in. Teary eyes, and always with the achiness...that's always where is starts for me.
 
I have an important question for anyone that comes across this and has an answer. My searches bring up conflicting info:

Can I take suboxone after kratom? Will taking sub shortly after kratom cause precipitated withdrawal? What's the deal with kratom and PW? TIA
 
I feel like such a piece of shit.

I'm reading all of these stories of legit pain management patients struggling with opiate addiction, and I here I am, also struggling with the same thing, but it's from my own doing, my choices. I chose this life, of simply being a scumbag, lying, double-life-living drug addict.
 
Hey man.

You are on the right path. I am just nearing the end of my sub taper and preparing to step off in the next few days. I didnt add any comfort meds excepts some unconventional items to deal with the long days. I used LSD during my first stages of wd and it got me to about 36 hours before I add sub. I kept some powdered mushrooms around and another high dosage of LSD that I haven't had to use yet.

Last week I added 2 peptides to help more with the long term side effects of being on an opioid for so long. I to was in this position by choice. It doesn't make the struggle any less real. After a few trips on the psychedelics it was clear that I was dulling other types of pain with pills. Facing that has helped me stay on my plan too. Dont be to hard on your self. You have to live in your own skin regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Stay on course and write more here. We are all behind you and you can do it.
 
Hey man.

You are on the right path. I am just nearing the end of my sub taper and preparing to step off in the next few days. I didnt add any comfort meds excepts some unconventional items to deal with the long days. I used LSD during my first stages of wd and it got me to about 36 hours before I add sub. I kept some powdered mushrooms around and another high dosage of LSD that I haven't had to use yet.

Last week I added 2 peptides to help more with the long term side effects of being on an opioid for so long. I to was in this position by choice. It doesn't make the struggle any less real. After a few trips on the psychedelics it was clear that I was dulling other types of pain with pills. Facing that has helped me stay on my plan too. Dont be to hard on your self. You have to live in your own skin regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Stay on course and write more here. We are all behind you and you can do it.

Thanks, Wolf. You know, if I didn't have to work and be present at home with the wife and kids, I'd eat some shrooms I've been sitting on. Also have some MDMA, a few pressies they call em. I too enjoy L and psychedelics, and every time I've tripped in the recent past, I can see clearly the error of my ways, and that opiates are masking something and are NOT the answer and I ask myself, "WTF am I doing?"

I dont forget the insights gleaned, but I always go back to the addiction. I wish I can go back in time to when social drinking and pot smoking and the occasional trip were enough, as far as drug use goes. I musta got lost, somewhere down the line.

Can you tell me about peptides? I have no experience there. And did you do a rapid sub detox/taper?

It's coming on 16 hours since my last roxy, have held off so far taking a piece of sub.
 
This is interesting. I have tears in my eyes. Not because of WD, but from watching replays and fan reactions of the Minneapolis Miracle. And I am a Jets fan.
 
Top