• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

KraziKat's Quit II: This time it's for real!

Hey you?re in my backyard although I?m headed up to Tennessee to consult a DUI attorney. I might stay with mom for a couple of days but I?m undecided. She?s another 2 hours and some change up the road. Kratom is illegal in Tennessee but if I go to mom?s I might make the short drive into Kentucky to get some. I?ve been such an anxiety ridden basket case recently I have been more dependent on benzodiazepines than I?d like to be. And detoxing off benzos ain?t fun.
 
Well, back from the family vacation, and it really went well. I used kratom daily, but the real MVP was these CBD/THC gummies I had. They really helped. Also, running around like crazy helped keep my mind at bay.

All that said, now back home, while sitting back at work, and back at my desk.... my cravings for my DOC are through the roof. I know they are phone call or text away. What's wrong with me?
 
My thread title reads: this time it's for real!

Why am I suddenly waffling on that and thinking otherwise?
 
Congrats on making it through last week !

I can't tell you why you are waffling because I'm no expert, but I might be able to give you a tool that worked for me (I'm sure you've heard this before):

1 Day at a time
1 hour at a time
1 minute at a time
1 second at a time ...

Replace the habit of using with something that concentrates the mind so that you no longer dwell on using can be helpful. It can be anything from chopping wood to throwing pottery, heck anything ...

Physical addiction is easy to break. Not so easy to break the habit that surrounds the physical addiction
Eventually you will change the habit patterns that prior use has created and self re-enforce each time we chose to use again.

You've got this!
 
Thanks, Rose. I re-read my very first post, and it helped. I also texted my dealer. We chatted back and forth, caught up, but I never asked to meet and she never offered. Last time I saw her I told her I was quitting and the reasons why.

I'm on one second, minute, day at a time right now.
 
Any addiction is shitty. Who wants to be controlled by constant craving? It takes hard work to go through all the deepest layers of addiction but it is worth it. List all the positives to quitting--write them down. Then list the positives (yes, positives) for going back to using and write them down. The positives for using would be temporary relief of _____ (whatever it gave you, for instance relief from anxiety or relief from despair) but do note the word temporary. Everything that you can think of--from euphoria to mitigated social anxiety to "feeling normal" can be achieved in other much healthier and more sustainable ways. But you have to give yourself the chance to develop those--they are not instant like a drug but the advantage is that t. Addiction is so much like an abusive relationship. The victim convinces him or herself that 1) this is all s/he is good for 2) at least it is familiar and there is comfort in that 3) the abuser or in this case the drug is really good and if you, the victim, can just act right (use right) the bad things will not happen this time. So much denial goes into that thinking that it can be very convincing. Be a warrior for yourself--fight for yourself like you would fight for your own child.
 
herbavore said:
Any addiction is shitty. Who wants to be controlled by constant craving? It takes hard work to go through all the deepest layers of addiction but it is worth it. List all the positives to quitting--write them down. Then list the positives (yes, positives) for going back to using and write them down. The positives for using would be temporary relief of _____ (whatever it gave you, for instance relief from anxiety or relief from despair) but do note the word temporary. Everything that you can think of--from euphoria to mitigated social anxiety to "feeling normal" can be achieved in other much healthier and more sustainable ways. But you have to give yourself the chance to develop those--they are not instant like a drug but the advantage is that t. Addiction is so much like an abusive relationship. The victim convinces him or herself that 1) this is all s/he is good for 2) at least it is familiar and there is comfort in that 3) the abuser or in this case the drug is really good and if you, the victim, can just act right (use right) the bad things will not happen this time. So much denial goes into that thinking that it can be very convincing. Be a warrior for yourself--fight for yourself like you would fight for your own child.
Click to expand...

All so true. And your last line, Herbavore, sent a chill through me and brought a tear to my eye. I love my kids. I don't want this junkie life. Time to warrior-up.
 
KraziKat said:
My thread title reads: this time it's for real!

Why am I suddenly waffling on that and thinking otherwise?
Click to expand...

Dude, waffling is just part of the game! ;) Seriously, I think everybody who quits opioids faces that challenge in a deeply conflicted state. It's OK to feel off-balance, waffly, ambivalent, whatever...just try to keep yourself moving in a positive direction, long-term. And on that count you're doing awesome.
 
Hi there, KK. Just checking in on you. Everybody's right. Just keeping moving forward. I like the term "warrior-up"!
 
Aaaaannnd I'm back. Thanks to all for checking in on my thread and providing support. I'm still here, there have been some bumps in the road (road to recovery) that is, but to quote the soon-to-be-late Elton John, "I'm still standing."

I've taken a couple steps backwards and sideways, but I am more aware of my triggers now, and hopefully more able to get better and progress.

I'll back up the Deetz truck and update more later. And I have no idea about Elton's health or near demise. Just talking shit and being stupid, which I'm pretty good at!
 
This time it's for real, reboot. Short term sub taper in progress. 6 days since DOC, started my own newly invented short term sub detox and taper last Thursday with 2 mg. I had relapsed with blues a week ago Friday. By the following Weds I had one left and was back where I started.

Sub use: Thurs 2 mg, Friday 2 mg, Sat. 1 mg, Sun 1 mg, Today 1 mg.
 
Kat, I'm now reading your story after you took some time to read and reply to mine.

You seem to be in a very similar place that I am. May I suggest something you may not like? I would advise coming completely clean with your wife. I know it's hard and you're afraid you'll lose her, but TRUST ME the problem here is not your drug use. The problem is the lying. I just lost the love of my life because I had been hiding my addiction from him. Like you, I had *come clean* several times and was so afraid to tell him I'd relapsed again because I was afraid he'd leave me. Well he found out, and left me, not because I was back on drugs but because I lied to him. He told me if I had come clean to him and asked for his help in quitting, he would've stuck by my side. Now, I have to do this alone but I'm still going to do it. I have no other choice. He's still there for me to talk to and help give me support during this, but not in the way he could've been had we still been together. I can only try to work on me at this point and hope that down the road we can try to rebuild what I've broken. It won't be easy though. Just some advice for you.
 
^Thanks for the support and advice, Lady! I am very curious as to how Day one is going for you!!

As for me, I am on 1 mg of sub a day, Day 5 of sub use. No kratom or doc since 6 days. Though I am quite achy and craving my DOC. But I'm not caving. Is it possible 1 mg isn't holding me anymore after the initial 2mg dosages wore off? idk.
 
Well, today is day 8 of my short-term sub taper, and I dropped to .5 -- damn those pieces are small. I may have even screwed up the ROA, with the crumb dissolving somewhere other than my under my tongue. I had swished with some vodka prior to it, as I read someone here once describe that method as melting hot butter in a pan.

But, feeling rather crappy, I just took a small (for me) dose of Red Malay kratom. I went back on my word. But it's kratom, not my DOC, so there's that. Feeling stable atm, so much so that I volunteered to read to my kid's pre-k class a Dr. Suess book. Heading out to do that soon. Stayed home from work today, which or may not have contributed to feeling so uneasy... idle minds and hands or something like that.

Drinking at night remains a challenge. Last night I drank too much, but two days prior I only had 2 light beers in the evening. My insomnia is real. I am running quite low on my comfort meds, as I've been taking either .5 or 1 mg xanax nightly as well to induce sleep. I know I should be saving them for when I am totally done with subs....Alas, the polydrug life.

Well, it's been 10 days since DOC, so there's that. I really wish I was more inclined to lean on MJ and edibles more... I have so much. But for some reason I don't want to. Will try and change that.

For now, need to be very careful about falling back into a daily kratom routine.
 
You're doing well on your taper. Just don't get too crazy with the kratom. It can be pretty addictive too and you don't want to bring your tolerance up that you've been bringing down with the sub taper. I'm finding some unisom (I take more than they say to, I'll admit it, I take like 4) and some MJ help me sleep. Not the best sleep, but enough to not feel totally worthless the next day. Also, careful with the drinking. I am always known to drink my withdrawals away as well but I think it makes them worse. I'll wake up with a particularly bad hangover and call one of my dealers on autopilot because pain meds are always awesome for hangovers. I've had about an average of 2 beers a night since starting, last night only a half of one. Just been trying to go to bed early and hope tomorrow will be better. Though, I have no children so I get that luxury :p
 
Today is day 10 of my sub taper from daily oxy/kratom use. I used kratom once in that time, yesterday, and whether or not it did anything it's unclear. Took another .5 sub today, day 2 at .5

Today will be hard. It is already. I'm alone with my two kids, wife is going away. Oh how I wish I could just lay on the couch binge-watching Netflix all weekend. I've never had that luxury, prob why I could never truly do a CT quit. I feel somewhat stable at the moment. Still prob have the 1 mg in me from two days ago I guess.

I'm mostly kinda bored right now... a case of anhedonia. Thinking I'll take em to the movies, the little ones. That'll kill two hours. I kinda wish I had... something... I guess that's the cravings, the addict, the demon talking.
 
I don't know where you live but is there any way to plan some outdoor activity for a whole day? Or maybe a fun baking day where everybody helps?
 
Hi Krazi, I too need to get back into all the fun stuff I used to do, but it's going to have to wait since I've been sick for about the past week. I've basically just been laying on the couch and watching cable news since the cough medicine the doctor prescribed makes me a bit loopy. Enjoy the time at the movies with your kids.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top