aihfl
Bluelight Crew
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- Nov 5, 2015
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Yeah that was pretty amazing
KraziKat's Quit II: This time it's for real!
- Thread starter KraziKat
- Start date
This is the longest I've gone without either a roxy or kratom in as long as I can remember. And I have surprised myself by not taking kratom or a piece of sub yet. I feel achy and lethargic, shitty, but it's fairly manageable at the moment. Maybe it's the Adderall or last night's gabapentin working for me.
Way to go! You're doing awesome. It sounds like you are one of the people Adderrall helps. That is terrific considering what you've got ahead of you. I believe you should stick with the meds you've got. I believe in you, that you can do this even with the challenges you have laid out.
If the Adderrall and Gabs are keeping you somewhat sane, I'd save the subs incase you need them on that ski trip. Sensitivity to cold was pretty brutal for me. However, you'll have a good excuse to be all bundled up and getting exercise - which will help immensely (for me - it particularly helped with the cold. A good work out or a hot bath were the only times I felt warm enough for a while).
I think some important questions to ask yourself (I only say this because of your thoughts on relapsing for the sake of the trips you have coming up), because you may be sick/not at your best during some of the time you are on these trips, are 1) do you think it would be better to be under the weather during DL and your wife and kids have you back full time once you return? I mean, they're gonna be in DL, how bad could it be for THEM that you don't feel good? (That's a real question, as pompous and shitty as I sound asking it - sorry) and 2) more difficult-ly answered, if you decide to go buy more Blue Shackles, are you sure you will be in the same place - mentally - as far as being absolutely done with them when you return?
If you're still reading, I think you're being way too hard on yourself, too. We are all here reading and posting because we are/were/soon will be in the same situation you are in now. The how's and why's of getting here don't matter as much as being ready get the f outta here. If you're ready to let go of those Shackles, Do it. You're the only one with a set of keys.
If the Adderrall and Gabs are keeping you somewhat sane, I'd save the subs incase you need them on that ski trip. Sensitivity to cold was pretty brutal for me. However, you'll have a good excuse to be all bundled up and getting exercise - which will help immensely (for me - it particularly helped with the cold. A good work out or a hot bath were the only times I felt warm enough for a while).
I think some important questions to ask yourself (I only say this because of your thoughts on relapsing for the sake of the trips you have coming up), because you may be sick/not at your best during some of the time you are on these trips, are 1) do you think it would be better to be under the weather during DL and your wife and kids have you back full time once you return? I mean, they're gonna be in DL, how bad could it be for THEM that you don't feel good? (That's a real question, as pompous and shitty as I sound asking it - sorry) and 2) more difficult-ly answered, if you decide to go buy more Blue Shackles, are you sure you will be in the same place - mentally - as far as being absolutely done with them when you return?
If you're still reading, I think you're being way too hard on yourself, too. We are all here reading and posting because we are/were/soon will be in the same situation you are in now. The how's and why's of getting here don't matter as much as being ready get the f outta here. If you're ready to let go of those Shackles, Do it. You're the only one with a set of keys.
Thanks so much for the support, Mel. I am indeed still reading, as this is the only place I am telling the whole truth.
Update: So on the drive home from work last night, I started to feel like shit. Felt nausea, run down, very achy, headache -- just crappy. I was coming up on 22 hours since last oxy pill. So, of course, I thought of the half a blue I'd found and left behind at home. I called my wife, who was working from home, told her I wasn't feeling well and asked her to pick up the kids from daycare. I got home, popped the 15 mg of oxy along with a 5 mg hydro I had left, my last of any real opiate stash aside from some tylenol w/ codeine pills I have (no interest in those).
What I took must have taken the edge off, cause I felt a little better achiness wise. I was still out of it. Not myself. Quiet, lethargic and withdrawn when the wife and kids came home, just paying attention to my physical state. I was cold too.
Played some video games with my son, we had some dinner, TV, and I just endured the discomfort, counting hours and minutes until bedtime.
Here's a sad little anecdote. My naive wife says, "I feel like you get sick, like every month." ::::sigh::::
I rode out the night, quietly, and took two 400 mg gabapentins and a 10 mg ambien. And I probably slept from 11 pm to 7 am, which is really good for me.
I woke up, with my son next to me, in withdrawal. RLS, watery eyes, achy joints. Got ready for work. Dismissing the small amount of oxy I took last night as not being problematic, I finally caved and took 2 mg of the sub strip. With sub strips, I'm always paranoid that "I'm not doing it right." Like I screwed up ingesting it. With no relief felt, (of course I hardly waited), 20 minutes later in the car on the way to the office I took another 2 mg.
And now I feel normal, even a little buzzy. I have dull headache. I guess suboxone is no joke. I definitely feel medicated. Maybe ever-so-slightly high.
And that's where I'm at. Luckily, I have an office where I can even close my door and be alone. I have a lot of work to do, but I can work at my own pace, hence taking the time to write this lengthy post. With the sub in me and working, I am actually being more productive than I've been in awhile.
Update: So on the drive home from work last night, I started to feel like shit. Felt nausea, run down, very achy, headache -- just crappy. I was coming up on 22 hours since last oxy pill. So, of course, I thought of the half a blue I'd found and left behind at home. I called my wife, who was working from home, told her I wasn't feeling well and asked her to pick up the kids from daycare. I got home, popped the 15 mg of oxy along with a 5 mg hydro I had left, my last of any real opiate stash aside from some tylenol w/ codeine pills I have (no interest in those).
What I took must have taken the edge off, cause I felt a little better achiness wise. I was still out of it. Not myself. Quiet, lethargic and withdrawn when the wife and kids came home, just paying attention to my physical state. I was cold too.
Played some video games with my son, we had some dinner, TV, and I just endured the discomfort, counting hours and minutes until bedtime.
Here's a sad little anecdote. My naive wife says, "I feel like you get sick, like every month." ::::sigh::::
I rode out the night, quietly, and took two 400 mg gabapentins and a 10 mg ambien. And I probably slept from 11 pm to 7 am, which is really good for me.
I woke up, with my son next to me, in withdrawal. RLS, watery eyes, achy joints. Got ready for work. Dismissing the small amount of oxy I took last night as not being problematic, I finally caved and took 2 mg of the sub strip. With sub strips, I'm always paranoid that "I'm not doing it right." Like I screwed up ingesting it. With no relief felt, (of course I hardly waited), 20 minutes later in the car on the way to the office I took another 2 mg.
And now I feel normal, even a little buzzy. I have dull headache. I guess suboxone is no joke. I definitely feel medicated. Maybe ever-so-slightly high.
And that's where I'm at. Luckily, I have an office where I can even close my door and be alone. I have a lot of work to do, but I can work at my own pace, hence taking the time to write this lengthy post. With the sub in me and working, I am actually being more productive than I've been in awhile.
You are so welcome, KK. I'm really glad to hear from you. I thought about you a lot since yesterday evening. I was a little worried that my attempt at a gentle nudge had come across as a preachy, judgemental shove. It certainly was not meant to be. I'm glad you are still working toward getting away from the Shackles. You'll be in my thoughts.
D_K1984
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2016
- Messages
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You're doing great KraziKat. I'm far from an expert or even close to being out of the woods with my own addiction so I don't know if I've got any advice to offer but I can give my support.
I also got that whole "You seem to be sick all the time." thing from people who don't get it. Most of the time I was just proud I got out of bed when I was in one of my many 'ran out of pills early' w/ds. People who haven't gone through it will never understand the sheer amount of willpower it takes to, not only stop, but endure enough to function. I give my props to you because you've got a family and job while you're doing this. That's some crazy strength.
You've got this. Little slips are ok in my opinion as long as you acknowledge it and don't jump back into it full blown. That was always my problem when I slipped. I would convince myself I already screwed up so I might as well go ham now.
I hope you're having a great evening and sleep well my friend.
I also got that whole "You seem to be sick all the time." thing from people who don't get it. Most of the time I was just proud I got out of bed when I was in one of my many 'ran out of pills early' w/ds. People who haven't gone through it will never understand the sheer amount of willpower it takes to, not only stop, but endure enough to function. I give my props to you because you've got a family and job while you're doing this. That's some crazy strength.
You've got this. Little slips are ok in my opinion as long as you acknowledge it and don't jump back into it full blown. That was always my problem when I slipped. I would convince myself I already screwed up so I might as well go ham now.
I hope you're having a great evening and sleep well my friend.
Well, I was doing well. I screwed up last night. And I have to be honest here.
I got drunk. Call it a trigger, but my Mother-in-Law came over last night, and my wife wasn't even home. She is an absurd woman. To take the edge off, I drank vodka, way too much. My wife asked me "what I was on." I told her I was just drunk. She then asked what I was on last night, when I was riding high from 4 mg of subs alone -- I told her gabapentin, which I am taking to try and come of kratom, said.
She said I need help. That I keep thinking the answers are in more pills, different drugs. She just doesn't get it, or me, and my urges, cravings, addictions.
So today I am moping. I am sad and feeling rather shitty. I know I shouldn't drink while on subs, but I have never had a problem. Yesterday I only took two mg. None yet today.
I am not WD symptoms very much, just a hangover. I suck. No more boozing.
We leave tonight for the ski strip. What I wanted to avoid is happening –– a heaviness over my sobriety or lack thereof. Did I drink because subs dont get me high, and I miss the pills? I do miss the pills. I am a mope today.
I got drunk. Call it a trigger, but my Mother-in-Law came over last night, and my wife wasn't even home. She is an absurd woman. To take the edge off, I drank vodka, way too much. My wife asked me "what I was on." I told her I was just drunk. She then asked what I was on last night, when I was riding high from 4 mg of subs alone -- I told her gabapentin, which I am taking to try and come of kratom, said.
She said I need help. That I keep thinking the answers are in more pills, different drugs. She just doesn't get it, or me, and my urges, cravings, addictions.
So today I am moping. I am sad and feeling rather shitty. I know I shouldn't drink while on subs, but I have never had a problem. Yesterday I only took two mg. None yet today.
I am not WD symptoms very much, just a hangover. I suck. No more boozing.
We leave tonight for the ski strip. What I wanted to avoid is happening –– a heaviness over my sobriety or lack thereof. Did I drink because subs dont get me high, and I miss the pills? I do miss the pills. I am a mope today.
Blueeyes01
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2017
- Messages
- 56
I miss the pills too, Krazi. Damnit they're evil but so damn nice. Suboxone is a miracle, I agree. I felt so normal on Subs. This time i didn't have access to Sub, but I'm feeling better today. Still miss the pills and even the shitty dealer I had. He was fun. Are you trying to not drink either? I've never really cared for alcohol but it'll have to be my new occasional way of stress relief after hard long days. Hugs!
Edit to add: I drank on subs and was fine
Edit to add: I drank on subs and was fine
I think because I feel "normal" on them I am drawn to drinking in order to feel a "high," when in reality I should be cutting down on alcohol. I shouldn't be drinking. I don't want to! Lesson learned. Again. Should stick to MJ.
Sounds like you are navigating some pretty tricky waters, KrazyKat. I hope you find a way through this unscathed. I used to drink pretty regularly but have been too afraid to in a while. Really, before I started detoxing, after I realized how hopelessly hooked I was on opiates, I was afraid to drink because of the stuff I heard about mixing them with alcohol. I'm not sure why being hooked made it seem different to me than it did before I had that realization. I know it's not. I'm actually missing alcohol, a little. I'm so sorry this is proving to be so difficult. It's hard enough without outside factors negatively affecting how you feel. Please know that you have a lot of people who think you are a deserving person cheering you on - no matter how it is that it turns out you have to get free.
I know it. Two steps forward, one or two back. I do it to myself. I'm having a hard time. I really do not want to leave my family and go to a rehab or something. I really don't. And I am deathly afraid of losing them. I wish I was more comfortable in my own skin sans medication. I wish I didn;t have this "thorn" in my side, this devil on my shoulder.
No more getting drunk for me. I can't shake this feeling of shame, remorse and guilt.
Of course this family ski trip we headed to tonight will be a 3-day and night booze-fest. No hard liquor, and no getting drunk.
I cannot discern if what I am feeling physically is withdrawal or hangover symptoms. Sigh.
Of course this family ski trip we headed to tonight will be a 3-day and night booze-fest. No hard liquor, and no getting drunk.
I cannot discern if what I am feeling physically is withdrawal or hangover symptoms. Sigh.
Stargazer
Bluelight Crew
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Hey Krazikat:
Hang in there. It's not a straight line to getting clean. Definately like a lightening bolt (up and down)
If my mother-in-law stopped in while I was trying to get clean it would destroy my efforts. She enjoys causing chaos and upsetment. She puts me on edge. Your reaction is very relatable and understandable.
I'm rooting for you KK.
Hang in there. It's not a straight line to getting clean. Definately like a lightening bolt (up and down)
If my mother-in-law stopped in while I was trying to get clean it would destroy my efforts. She enjoys causing chaos and upsetment. She puts me on edge. Your reaction is very relatable and understandable.
I'm rooting for you KK.
I'm still here. Things have been bad. I've been all over the place, literally ? emotionally, geographically, mentally and physically.
Cliff notes: Was in Vegas, Used some blues, some subs and some kratom. Marriage is in utter disarray, talk of separation. Cravings through the roof. At work now in office. Tears (as in crying.) Feeling weak, ashamed, confused and addicted.
Cliff notes: Was in Vegas, Used some blues, some subs and some kratom. Marriage is in utter disarray, talk of separation. Cravings through the roof. At work now in office. Tears (as in crying.) Feeling weak, ashamed, confused and addicted.