I remember when I first kicked my H habit. 5 years , HEAVY IV use . The paws were so intense . I remember sitting on my mom's couch alone , actually excepting the fact that , hey , I'm just one of those people . Like , my mom , my family , they will just have to except it . This is what I have to do and it's OK.
I actually convinced myself that I was going to kill myself and it was OK. I didn't feel sad about it. I didn't feel regret . I just felt like I had found were I belonged . DEAD . and it was a very nice feeling . Peaceful .
A few days later , I remembered what they kept telling us the 5 days I was in detox , about the paws and how important it was to stay in a program. I figured if I'm off drugs I don't need to stay in there crappy program.
I had NO intention of becoming a heroine addict again. I was too happy to not be sick anymore and was way too happy that I wasn't spending my time going on ridiculous drug runs.. haha no thank you.!!!
I did however feel like I was going insane. I did not remember being this dumb. I wasn't having conversations with people like I used to . I couldn't think of WORDS. I felt so STUPID. I was embarrassed and didn't want to talk to anyone.
Cognitive dysfunction . That's what happens I guess. Most people heal .
I think . But I never stayed totally sober. I drank like a fish and smoked meth and did pills every so often . Never getting hooked on anything till I met my boyfriend and did meth for a year .(quit that) the come down was a joke compared to heroine.
Anyway , one thing that helped me wake up , without my first thoughts , being that of suicide , is 5HTP . Seriously . I would wake up and not want to die. It was nice . Go get a bottle . It helps rebuild serotonin .
It sounds lame but eating healthy really helps. Food is medicine !
Exercise !! This really does help too . I promise. don't sit in in bed !!!! That's the worst thing you can do . One of em...
Back then I wish I would of stayed in a program like was recommended , and sought mental health help.
You are not alone , we all have to go through paws. I just feel like my brain never really got to much of a chance to heal . I kept doing this and that. Valium , and lots of vodka and meth. BUT . I did go stone cold sober for more then a few months maybe 6 idk.
That was during a phase I went through were i felt no drug did anything for me , anymore.
Then I got bored....
Anyway .... Don't go back on drugs . Hang in there. It WILL pass. Maybe try a program . NA. Get some support !. Talk to people who know what you are going through. Practice mindfulness , walk your dog, skate board. You gotta move around . I'm not against a LITTLE benzos IF you can handle it friend. Bear in mind , benzo wd is worse then anything. Or the weed , ya , better idea. But get OUT OF BED !!!
Don't you dare think about getting back on drugs. You can do this .
