I was severely bullied from the time I was in Kindergarten onwards (I am still bullied sometimes now, but not by all of the same people that bullied me while I was in school). Due to the fact that I have been bullied all of my life I have developed Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (which I have had) include:
Here is a story I posted on October 19, 2017 another website that is titled "Living With PTSD after bullying":
I moved a lot and in 1998 I moved far away from where I had been living since I was four years old – ten hours away, but in the same province (I’m in Canada). I was eight years old, in grade four, and people would throw things at me; two particular incidents stand out during this time: In Halloween of 1998 kids threw candy at me on the bus; the bus driver didn’t do anything about it nor did the teachers when it was reported, even though I had candy stuck in my hair and all over my clothes. I cut all of the candy out of my hair myself (you couldn’t just pick it out since it was sticky) and removed it all from my clothes, but told my mom. We reported it but nothing was done. Then, a few months later, one of the main girls that was bullying me ganged up on me one day and pushed me down, then proceeded to kick me; three of her friends joined in and kicked me. Mom and I reported it to each of the girls’ parents but again, nothing was done.
Then, in 1999, we moved away from that place because mom switched jobs, and moved to a city that was nine hours away from that place. Nobody in the city knew those people but because I have a mild form of Asperger’s Syndrome I was made a target for bullying. People started calling me “Scary Terry” even though my name wasn’t Terry (and isn’t even close to Terry – my middle name isn’t even close to Terry). I couldn’t even go outside without people calling me that name, chasing me, or beating me up – I would try to ignore them but these things would still happen.
Once, in 2005, when I was 15 years old, a girl that would regularly call me names and say nasty things to me, found me in the playground, by myself. She came with a bunch of little kids and claimed that I owed them apologies – she claimed I said nasty things to them when I had not spoken to them in a long time – and the last time I had spoken to them was a few years prior, and I only said “hello” to them – I guess if I speak it’s considered rude too! I tried to explain to the girl that I never said anything to them but she would not listen – instead, she pushed me down and kicked me until I apologized; I tried to escape but she grabbed me and had people surround me so I could not escape. I apologized just to get her away from me and had to ask for a couple of the kids names – if I had called them names, wouldn’t I have known what their names were? This isn’t the end of it though. Later that day, the girl knocked on my door and when I stepped outside, she dumped dog shit in my hair. Mom wouldn’t do anything about it; she refused to contact the police until later, when the girl came to our house again and mom answered. The girl said that if I was seen on the street ever again that she would kill me. Mom then contacted the police, who went to the girl’s house, but only gave her a warning – they only addressed the threat; they did not address the fact that she pushed me down and kicked me or that she dumped dog shit in my hair.
This was during a time that I was attending a school that I was bullied frequently – I would be shoved down the stairs and the person who would push me would say “go fucking die you retard!” and even though a teacher was present when it happened, and my foot got broken, nothing was done, because apparently, it was an “accident” – yet if I did something like that I would be suspended or given detention! If I ever fought back, by pushing someone out of my way who was trying to do something to me (like hit me) I would be suspended since the person would claim they never did anything to me and would get their friends to back up their lie and because I didn’t have any friends and was “retarded” (peers would call me that and teachers even said it to my mom) I would ALWAYS be the one at fault! I attempted suicide many times because of this but obviously each time failed and nobody knew about the attempts – I would always claim they were stomach bugs since it would be due to overdoses – I would suffer out the heart palpitations along with the nausea and vomiting but the only things people like my mom would be aware of would be the nausea and vomiting.
The only redeeming factor that saved me for a while, before the girl physically assaulted me but while I was being bullied both in school and outside of school was a TV Show that I got introduced to, and not from someone telling me about it or just seeing it on the TV – I dreamed about the TV show before I actually saw it, since it was on a TV channel I rarely looked at. The TV Show is called “Rescue Heroes” and it is still my favorite TV Show, and I am now 27 years old. When I first dreamed of the TV Show I woke up feeling good, then after two more dreams about the TV Show I looked it up online to see if it was a movie or something (not aware that it came on a channel that I barely looked at). The official website had a description of the episodes and a list of the characters and I had already dreamed of some of the characters; in my dreams I joined the team and was friends with the characters! I started to watch the TV Show and discovered that I liked it so at least I had something to look forward everyday – that TV Show would come on in the afternoon, after I finished classes as well as on the weekends. So in a way, I got some “friends”.
However, this did not stop the anxiety due to the bullying. After the girl threatened me, mom went for a walk with me one day and heard people yell nasty things to me. She then decided to sell the house we were living in and move to a city nearby. When we moved, I switched schools and was happy for the first three months in my new school. Then everything changed. One of the bullies that attended the school that started the name “Scary Terry” (this wasn’t the bully that started the name) began attending the school I switched to. He told everyone that I was Scary Terry and despite my attempts to ignore the people calling my name, the name still spread like wildfire and the only difference between my former school (where the name “Scary Terry” started) and the new school, is that in the new school nobody called me “retarded”.
People would still physically attack me – I had one girl push me down just outside the school’s doors one day in 2006, during a snowstorm, and she kicked me in the side many times and broke my glasses while calling me various names like “fucking bitch”, yet I don’t know what I said or did to her to make her do this. I reported it to the school but they claimed because they didn’t see it, nothing could be done.
The same girl that physically attacked me during the snowstorm also wrote me a fake “love letter” for April Fools’ Day, in 2008, except it wasn’t a nice letter at all – it said things like “I love your greasy hair” (even though my hair isn’t greasy), it made fun of my sinus issues (I have times where I can’t breathe and an inhaler won’t work, so I end up making this sniffing sound to relieve my sinuses – doctors are unable to correct this problem and it is unknown what is the cause of this issue), and she ended the letter by saying “Would you marry me and bare my child?” and signed it as Sango, The Demon Slayer (my favorite Japanese Anime is “InuYasha” – I would have to bring a laptop to school sometimes for a class and my background was of the characters from “InuYasha”); I figured out that she wrote it because the way the “i”‘s were written in the letter matched hers – her writing of “i”‘s is unique.
I brought the letter to the principal but she was in a meeting and unavailable. I was also busy because I had an important assignment due the next day and an important test to study for that would take place on Friday. I ended up tearing the letter up into tiny pieces and putting it in the garbage – if anyone found the letter they would have a difficult time putting it together since I tore it up into several tiny pieces. However, before I tore up the letter, I showed it to a couple of people who I thought were my friends at the time. One was a girl that will go by A. and another was a boy that will go by N. Neither A. or N. knew who wrote the letter. That is when I decided to bring it to the principal, but ended up destroying the letter since the principal was busy and, because I had an assignment due and an upcoming test, so was I. Because I was busy, I pretended it was a “nice” letter – I didn’t say anything else about it but I didn’t want anyone to know that I was upset either.
A few days after I showed A. and N. the letter, N. did something that I will never forgive him for (since this is something that I ended up developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from; all of the bullying incidents I have listed have contributed to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but this incident alone contributes to both Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder AND Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
N. went on a local website where people from the province I live in could post. Someone that was from the school I previously attended (the one where the name “Scary Terry” originated from) started a hate thread about me. This was also the person who started the name “Scary Terry” to begin with. I tried reporting the thread to the police when the person started the hate thread (I was alerted to it after another friend, who did not contribute to the thread nor did they know anyone who was posting in the thread, let me know about it) but the police would not do anything since no threats were being made in the thread. The administrators would not do anything either – it turned out that one of the users who was contributing to the hate thread was someone that was in school with me, and that person was an administrator! Anyway, N. made the username “Fearing_Scary_Terry” and said the following:
I know Scary Terry, she’s so fucking nuts it’s not even funny…however I do laugh at all the people who are in fear of her and just pretend to be her friend…I mean, NOBODY actually likes her…nobody can stand her at all and you can tell she knows it yet she tries like a fucking psychopath to be your friend. I know somebody who she randomly walked up to (and NEVER talked to before) and she was like “Hi wanna be my friend, do you like my hair!?” I fucking cracked up shes a fucking mess. She likes this dude in school who can’t wait for her to be gone next year..she fucking terrorizes him. There is SO MUCH shit on her I could type but I honestly don’t have the patience right now…
In other news…apparently for april fool’s day somebody stuffed a fake love letter in her locker…I’m looking into this and trying to find out who it was so I can thank them and possibly get a hold of that letter and post it up here.
I reported the post and threatened to sue the website (I can’t actually sue the website but I wanted to see if that would make them do something about that post or any of the other posts). One administrator responded (not the administrator that contributed to the hate thread) and said that the guy’s account “Fearing_Scary_Terry” was renamed “douche” and was banned permanently, his IP Address was banned indefinitely, and his actual account was banned for two months. I found out that it was N. since I had N. on MSN Messenger at the time (thinking he was my friend – just to let you guys know, I never once went up to someone and said “Hi, do you wanna me by friend, do you like my hair?” and I don’t know why he would say I “try like a fucking psychopath to be your friend” since I was only nice to people; I would offer help with things they were having trouble with, such as spelling, but I wouldn’t be in their face constantly or talking to them constantly), he sent me a message shortly after he made the hate post – I had not reported it yet nor had I told anyone about it yet, so he just revealed it was him when he did that. I asked him if he did it and he denied it but the following Monday, mom and I went to the school and brought the post to the principal. The principal said there wasn’t anything she could do but offered to call N.’s mother and tell her what happened. Mom and I said that was fine. A few days later, I was called to the principal’s office. N. and his mother were there. N. gave me an apology letter, claiming he was sorry for what he did and he should never have done it. His mother claimed that N. was now grounded and banned from using the computer for one month.
However, he also gave me the “real” apology letter, except this wasn’t an apology letter at all. In the “real” apology letter, he claimed that it was all my fault that he made the post (because I’m a freak with multiple issues) and that I should be thankful that he didn’t say more in his post, like how I liked “Rescue Heroes”. I don’t give a shit who knows I like that show since people in the school, including the people that bullied me, were always going around with “Dora The Explorer” items (apparently “Dora The Explorer” was “cool” for High School Students, which I was – I was in Grade 12 and he was in Grade 11; he took Theater Arts with me and A. – A. was also in Grade 12, like me).
A few days after N. “apologized” he started telling everyone that I hacked into his MSN Messenger account and that if they received any messages, the messages were from me! Since I thought A. was my friend I asked her to speak to him and tell him that I didn’t hack his account; I don’t even know how to hack for fuck sakes! She said she would, but when I went to see if she spoke to him I saw they were playing Crazy Eights! I asked her if she spoke to him and she said no, she then told me to “let it go”. She never once helped me when any of this happened – the assault during the snowstorm, she never told people to leave me alone when they called me names, and she never defended me when N. claimed I hacked him.
I had suspected that A. wasn’t a real friend anyway, before any of this happened, when we had to choose who we wanted to sit with at the grad. I asked A. if she would include my name on her list of who she wanted to sit with and she said yes. I put her name in, but when she handed in the list my name wasn’t on it. I ended up sitting with people I knew but wasn’t friends with.
Also, while at the grad, which was in May 2008, they had this thing called the “Humor Awards” – they had categories like “Most Likely To Die Studying” and “Most Likely To Take Over The World”. I was one of the nominees for “Most Likely To Take Over The World” (but I didn’t win). I looked over at the table that was next to the one I was sitting at and the girl that beat me up during the snowstorm and wrote the fake April Fools’ Day Love Letter and quietly asked her if she was one of the people that nominated me for that. She nodded. This was another way for the bullies to say “Scary Terry”.
Even though these things happened from the time I was in Kindergarten (during that time, before I moved in Grade Four, I was just called names and made fun of for liking certain things) until I graduated school in 2008, it still hurts, despite that it is now 2017. I still see people who bully me and they will sometimes make snide remarks and say things such as “freak”, “Scary Terry”, or scowl at me.
I have 211 people blocked on Facebook; they are all people who have bullied me and I don’t have anyone from any of the schools I attended as friends on Facebook either – I don’t feel comfortable having any association with people who made my life miserable. The reason that the list is so long is because these are people that either contributed to the hate thread about me, beat me up, wrote mean things to me, wrote mean things about me, or drew mean pictures of me (in school this happened – someone drew a mean picture of me on a desk and wrote my name underneath it; I showed it to the teacher and she recognized the writing but then I erased it, the next day, the person did the same thing except wrote “haha” this time and when I showed it to the teacher again she claimed she didn’t know who would do that but after I said that she identified the person yesterday she denied doing that – I found out that the person who drew the pictures did not receive any punishment at all).
I have begun to believe that my role in life is the Scapegoat – if I do something wrong, or if someone says that I did something (even though I never), I will be punished yet if someone does something to me, such as draw a nasty picture and the teacher knows who did it or physically assault me, they are not punished at all. I wish I had been told that was my role in life when I was younger. I would not have liked the role but would understand that is why people can do and say what they want to me and, for the most part, get away with it – because my job is to be a punching bag. I still wouldn’t like it but would understand that it was part of my job, just like a janitor having to clean up someone’s puke. I’m sure the janitor does not cleaning up someone else’s puke but it’s part of their job, just like being treated like dirt is part of my job as Scapegoat.
Sorry for the long post, I just felt that my story should be shared; it's not a "poor me" story, the point of the story is to fully explain the development of my Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am wondering if anyone else has a similar story to mine.
- Re-experiencing is when you relive the moments in your mind. This can get triggered from something like being in a school environment or it can happen in the form of nightmares. What makes this so scary is that you can feel like you've gone right back in time to when the bullying happened and you can feel everything just as you did then.
- Avoidance is when you try to avoid things that would trigger flashbacks or emotions. This is where you might avoid the place where the abuse happened, or you might avoid certain people who either did the bullying or are related to them in some way. You just know that it would be too difficult to face these people or situations again. I went to the Emergency Room last night and one of the girls that I went to Jr. High with, that was one of the people that bullied me, was the receptionist. I felt upset and almost left after she spoke to me but I didn't. I did, however, tell her that thanks to the way I was treated by the people at that Jr. High, I developed Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She didn't say anything when I mentioned that. I try to stay home as much as possible because of the anxiety this has caused (I have been staying home a lot since last year). I have looked for help but was told that the only way I can get help is if I participate in group therapy - that means being with other people. I am unable to do that because of my extreme social anxiety, which is caused by people bullying me.
- Arousal is when you're hyper aware of dangerous situations. This is most common right after the trauma. It's that always looking over your shoulder and not trusting anyone feeling. You might find that you have difficulty sleeping or trouble concentrating because you're expecting something bad to happen. You might also get startled very easily, especially if the bullies liked to sneak up on you and do things. I am bullied by a security guard in the local mall; he has stalked me since 2012 and last year, in March 2017, when I put in a complaint, two days after I put in the complaint he waited for me to come out of the pharmacy (after picking up a prescription) and proceeded to tell me that I was banned from the mall, but he wouldn't give me a paper stating that I was banned! I tried to find out why I was banned but I didn't receive a response so the only reason I can think of is that I complained about him, and the unfortunate part is, he is the head of the security guards. I would always leave the mall whenever I saw him anyway, I did this after noticing in 2012 (and 2013) he would follow me wherever I went. I thought I was paranoid but I wasn't. I had friends with me a couple of times and they would ask why was he following me. I didn't know why since I don't loiter, vandalize, or steal nor do I "look like a criminal". The way this man has treated me has contributed to the development of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; the fact that he waited for me to come outside of the pharmacy just to tell me that I'm banned (without giving me a reason) was enough to make me develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder! I ended up going to my physician when this happened and my physician prescribed Ativan because I was shaking and hyperventilating when I saw my physician (which was only a few minutes after the incident with the security guard happened)!
Here is a story I posted on October 19, 2017 another website that is titled "Living With PTSD after bullying":
I moved a lot and in 1998 I moved far away from where I had been living since I was four years old – ten hours away, but in the same province (I’m in Canada). I was eight years old, in grade four, and people would throw things at me; two particular incidents stand out during this time: In Halloween of 1998 kids threw candy at me on the bus; the bus driver didn’t do anything about it nor did the teachers when it was reported, even though I had candy stuck in my hair and all over my clothes. I cut all of the candy out of my hair myself (you couldn’t just pick it out since it was sticky) and removed it all from my clothes, but told my mom. We reported it but nothing was done. Then, a few months later, one of the main girls that was bullying me ganged up on me one day and pushed me down, then proceeded to kick me; three of her friends joined in and kicked me. Mom and I reported it to each of the girls’ parents but again, nothing was done.
Then, in 1999, we moved away from that place because mom switched jobs, and moved to a city that was nine hours away from that place. Nobody in the city knew those people but because I have a mild form of Asperger’s Syndrome I was made a target for bullying. People started calling me “Scary Terry” even though my name wasn’t Terry (and isn’t even close to Terry – my middle name isn’t even close to Terry). I couldn’t even go outside without people calling me that name, chasing me, or beating me up – I would try to ignore them but these things would still happen.
Once, in 2005, when I was 15 years old, a girl that would regularly call me names and say nasty things to me, found me in the playground, by myself. She came with a bunch of little kids and claimed that I owed them apologies – she claimed I said nasty things to them when I had not spoken to them in a long time – and the last time I had spoken to them was a few years prior, and I only said “hello” to them – I guess if I speak it’s considered rude too! I tried to explain to the girl that I never said anything to them but she would not listen – instead, she pushed me down and kicked me until I apologized; I tried to escape but she grabbed me and had people surround me so I could not escape. I apologized just to get her away from me and had to ask for a couple of the kids names – if I had called them names, wouldn’t I have known what their names were? This isn’t the end of it though. Later that day, the girl knocked on my door and when I stepped outside, she dumped dog shit in my hair. Mom wouldn’t do anything about it; she refused to contact the police until later, when the girl came to our house again and mom answered. The girl said that if I was seen on the street ever again that she would kill me. Mom then contacted the police, who went to the girl’s house, but only gave her a warning – they only addressed the threat; they did not address the fact that she pushed me down and kicked me or that she dumped dog shit in my hair.
This was during a time that I was attending a school that I was bullied frequently – I would be shoved down the stairs and the person who would push me would say “go fucking die you retard!” and even though a teacher was present when it happened, and my foot got broken, nothing was done, because apparently, it was an “accident” – yet if I did something like that I would be suspended or given detention! If I ever fought back, by pushing someone out of my way who was trying to do something to me (like hit me) I would be suspended since the person would claim they never did anything to me and would get their friends to back up their lie and because I didn’t have any friends and was “retarded” (peers would call me that and teachers even said it to my mom) I would ALWAYS be the one at fault! I attempted suicide many times because of this but obviously each time failed and nobody knew about the attempts – I would always claim they were stomach bugs since it would be due to overdoses – I would suffer out the heart palpitations along with the nausea and vomiting but the only things people like my mom would be aware of would be the nausea and vomiting.
The only redeeming factor that saved me for a while, before the girl physically assaulted me but while I was being bullied both in school and outside of school was a TV Show that I got introduced to, and not from someone telling me about it or just seeing it on the TV – I dreamed about the TV show before I actually saw it, since it was on a TV channel I rarely looked at. The TV Show is called “Rescue Heroes” and it is still my favorite TV Show, and I am now 27 years old. When I first dreamed of the TV Show I woke up feeling good, then after two more dreams about the TV Show I looked it up online to see if it was a movie or something (not aware that it came on a channel that I barely looked at). The official website had a description of the episodes and a list of the characters and I had already dreamed of some of the characters; in my dreams I joined the team and was friends with the characters! I started to watch the TV Show and discovered that I liked it so at least I had something to look forward everyday – that TV Show would come on in the afternoon, after I finished classes as well as on the weekends. So in a way, I got some “friends”.
However, this did not stop the anxiety due to the bullying. After the girl threatened me, mom went for a walk with me one day and heard people yell nasty things to me. She then decided to sell the house we were living in and move to a city nearby. When we moved, I switched schools and was happy for the first three months in my new school. Then everything changed. One of the bullies that attended the school that started the name “Scary Terry” (this wasn’t the bully that started the name) began attending the school I switched to. He told everyone that I was Scary Terry and despite my attempts to ignore the people calling my name, the name still spread like wildfire and the only difference between my former school (where the name “Scary Terry” started) and the new school, is that in the new school nobody called me “retarded”.
People would still physically attack me – I had one girl push me down just outside the school’s doors one day in 2006, during a snowstorm, and she kicked me in the side many times and broke my glasses while calling me various names like “fucking bitch”, yet I don’t know what I said or did to her to make her do this. I reported it to the school but they claimed because they didn’t see it, nothing could be done.
The same girl that physically attacked me during the snowstorm also wrote me a fake “love letter” for April Fools’ Day, in 2008, except it wasn’t a nice letter at all – it said things like “I love your greasy hair” (even though my hair isn’t greasy), it made fun of my sinus issues (I have times where I can’t breathe and an inhaler won’t work, so I end up making this sniffing sound to relieve my sinuses – doctors are unable to correct this problem and it is unknown what is the cause of this issue), and she ended the letter by saying “Would you marry me and bare my child?” and signed it as Sango, The Demon Slayer (my favorite Japanese Anime is “InuYasha” – I would have to bring a laptop to school sometimes for a class and my background was of the characters from “InuYasha”); I figured out that she wrote it because the way the “i”‘s were written in the letter matched hers – her writing of “i”‘s is unique.
I brought the letter to the principal but she was in a meeting and unavailable. I was also busy because I had an important assignment due the next day and an important test to study for that would take place on Friday. I ended up tearing the letter up into tiny pieces and putting it in the garbage – if anyone found the letter they would have a difficult time putting it together since I tore it up into several tiny pieces. However, before I tore up the letter, I showed it to a couple of people who I thought were my friends at the time. One was a girl that will go by A. and another was a boy that will go by N. Neither A. or N. knew who wrote the letter. That is when I decided to bring it to the principal, but ended up destroying the letter since the principal was busy and, because I had an assignment due and an upcoming test, so was I. Because I was busy, I pretended it was a “nice” letter – I didn’t say anything else about it but I didn’t want anyone to know that I was upset either.
A few days after I showed A. and N. the letter, N. did something that I will never forgive him for (since this is something that I ended up developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from; all of the bullying incidents I have listed have contributed to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but this incident alone contributes to both Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder AND Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
N. went on a local website where people from the province I live in could post. Someone that was from the school I previously attended (the one where the name “Scary Terry” originated from) started a hate thread about me. This was also the person who started the name “Scary Terry” to begin with. I tried reporting the thread to the police when the person started the hate thread (I was alerted to it after another friend, who did not contribute to the thread nor did they know anyone who was posting in the thread, let me know about it) but the police would not do anything since no threats were being made in the thread. The administrators would not do anything either – it turned out that one of the users who was contributing to the hate thread was someone that was in school with me, and that person was an administrator! Anyway, N. made the username “Fearing_Scary_Terry” and said the following:
I know Scary Terry, she’s so fucking nuts it’s not even funny…however I do laugh at all the people who are in fear of her and just pretend to be her friend…I mean, NOBODY actually likes her…nobody can stand her at all and you can tell she knows it yet she tries like a fucking psychopath to be your friend. I know somebody who she randomly walked up to (and NEVER talked to before) and she was like “Hi wanna be my friend, do you like my hair!?” I fucking cracked up shes a fucking mess. She likes this dude in school who can’t wait for her to be gone next year..she fucking terrorizes him. There is SO MUCH shit on her I could type but I honestly don’t have the patience right now…
In other news…apparently for april fool’s day somebody stuffed a fake love letter in her locker…I’m looking into this and trying to find out who it was so I can thank them and possibly get a hold of that letter and post it up here.
I reported the post and threatened to sue the website (I can’t actually sue the website but I wanted to see if that would make them do something about that post or any of the other posts). One administrator responded (not the administrator that contributed to the hate thread) and said that the guy’s account “Fearing_Scary_Terry” was renamed “douche” and was banned permanently, his IP Address was banned indefinitely, and his actual account was banned for two months. I found out that it was N. since I had N. on MSN Messenger at the time (thinking he was my friend – just to let you guys know, I never once went up to someone and said “Hi, do you wanna me by friend, do you like my hair?” and I don’t know why he would say I “try like a fucking psychopath to be your friend” since I was only nice to people; I would offer help with things they were having trouble with, such as spelling, but I wouldn’t be in their face constantly or talking to them constantly), he sent me a message shortly after he made the hate post – I had not reported it yet nor had I told anyone about it yet, so he just revealed it was him when he did that. I asked him if he did it and he denied it but the following Monday, mom and I went to the school and brought the post to the principal. The principal said there wasn’t anything she could do but offered to call N.’s mother and tell her what happened. Mom and I said that was fine. A few days later, I was called to the principal’s office. N. and his mother were there. N. gave me an apology letter, claiming he was sorry for what he did and he should never have done it. His mother claimed that N. was now grounded and banned from using the computer for one month.
However, he also gave me the “real” apology letter, except this wasn’t an apology letter at all. In the “real” apology letter, he claimed that it was all my fault that he made the post (because I’m a freak with multiple issues) and that I should be thankful that he didn’t say more in his post, like how I liked “Rescue Heroes”. I don’t give a shit who knows I like that show since people in the school, including the people that bullied me, were always going around with “Dora The Explorer” items (apparently “Dora The Explorer” was “cool” for High School Students, which I was – I was in Grade 12 and he was in Grade 11; he took Theater Arts with me and A. – A. was also in Grade 12, like me).
A few days after N. “apologized” he started telling everyone that I hacked into his MSN Messenger account and that if they received any messages, the messages were from me! Since I thought A. was my friend I asked her to speak to him and tell him that I didn’t hack his account; I don’t even know how to hack for fuck sakes! She said she would, but when I went to see if she spoke to him I saw they were playing Crazy Eights! I asked her if she spoke to him and she said no, she then told me to “let it go”. She never once helped me when any of this happened – the assault during the snowstorm, she never told people to leave me alone when they called me names, and she never defended me when N. claimed I hacked him.
I had suspected that A. wasn’t a real friend anyway, before any of this happened, when we had to choose who we wanted to sit with at the grad. I asked A. if she would include my name on her list of who she wanted to sit with and she said yes. I put her name in, but when she handed in the list my name wasn’t on it. I ended up sitting with people I knew but wasn’t friends with.
Also, while at the grad, which was in May 2008, they had this thing called the “Humor Awards” – they had categories like “Most Likely To Die Studying” and “Most Likely To Take Over The World”. I was one of the nominees for “Most Likely To Take Over The World” (but I didn’t win). I looked over at the table that was next to the one I was sitting at and the girl that beat me up during the snowstorm and wrote the fake April Fools’ Day Love Letter and quietly asked her if she was one of the people that nominated me for that. She nodded. This was another way for the bullies to say “Scary Terry”.
Even though these things happened from the time I was in Kindergarten (during that time, before I moved in Grade Four, I was just called names and made fun of for liking certain things) until I graduated school in 2008, it still hurts, despite that it is now 2017. I still see people who bully me and they will sometimes make snide remarks and say things such as “freak”, “Scary Terry”, or scowl at me.
I have 211 people blocked on Facebook; they are all people who have bullied me and I don’t have anyone from any of the schools I attended as friends on Facebook either – I don’t feel comfortable having any association with people who made my life miserable. The reason that the list is so long is because these are people that either contributed to the hate thread about me, beat me up, wrote mean things to me, wrote mean things about me, or drew mean pictures of me (in school this happened – someone drew a mean picture of me on a desk and wrote my name underneath it; I showed it to the teacher and she recognized the writing but then I erased it, the next day, the person did the same thing except wrote “haha” this time and when I showed it to the teacher again she claimed she didn’t know who would do that but after I said that she identified the person yesterday she denied doing that – I found out that the person who drew the pictures did not receive any punishment at all).
I have begun to believe that my role in life is the Scapegoat – if I do something wrong, or if someone says that I did something (even though I never), I will be punished yet if someone does something to me, such as draw a nasty picture and the teacher knows who did it or physically assault me, they are not punished at all. I wish I had been told that was my role in life when I was younger. I would not have liked the role but would understand that is why people can do and say what they want to me and, for the most part, get away with it – because my job is to be a punching bag. I still wouldn’t like it but would understand that it was part of my job, just like a janitor having to clean up someone’s puke. I’m sure the janitor does not cleaning up someone else’s puke but it’s part of their job, just like being treated like dirt is part of my job as Scapegoat.
Sorry for the long post, I just felt that my story should be shared; it's not a "poor me" story, the point of the story is to fully explain the development of my Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am wondering if anyone else has a similar story to mine.
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